A guy 40 years older? Marriage or not?

[AnnieTheConfused]

I never thought this would happen to me. I was always so judgemental of people that go for much older guys.. For money? Career shortcuts? Now that I met someone 40 years older, I'm totally lost. I admire him as a person, and I learn a lot from him all the time. I am very happy around him, and he is around me. We both find ourselves wanting to spend every minute of our free time together. Here's the question:

 

One of my major concerns other than the obvious is his history. He has had 40 years more experience with women and was married twice. He was seeing couple of women when he met me and tells me that he has stopped with them except for one, who is deeply in love with him and he is waiting for the right time to break the news. He tells me that he is only deeply and completely in love with me and that he wants to live the rest of his life with me. He assured me with words over and over again, that he is committed to me and his words are important to himself, and they are his honest feelings. It's impossible to tell if what he says is all true, or part of the truth, or just smooth talk. I can't seem to trust him completely, and I'm starting to doublt my own voice.

 

I now catch myself hot and cold toward him, and don't really know what I should do concerning this relationship. With the age difference and the trust issue (women issue), should I get away and stop wasting my time in this, or should I work with him to wait and see what is headed in the future for us?

 

Annie

[quankanne]

are you equipped to deal with the situations that arise when dealing with a senior citizen? Most obvious are the reactions you're going to get being with a man old enough to be your grandfather. Less obvious is the part where physically, his body is well along the way toward breaking down, where health issues are going to become more constant. Even if he's in the best of health, his body is going through changes that cannot be stopped: aches, pains, memory loss or dementia, etc. On top of that, because he is of a different generation, he's going to have certain expectations of his partner that are much different than your contemporary would have – if you think your parents are bad about expecations, imagine what a husband that age has in mind.

 

are you really prepared to give up life as you know it to be with someone so old? What about kids? Are you prepared to raise them on your own? Are you prepared to be changing their diapers and his should his health go into decline?

 

last, are you sure you are not confusing genuine affection for this man you admire with love that has solid, equal basis?

[submart]

Hello,

 

I'm in an age gap relationship as well! My man is sixteen years my senior. I don't see anything wrong with age gap relationships, as long as both persons are comfortable (and of legal age). There are many couples out there with significant age gaps.

 

As for your trust issues, it's hard to have a positive relationship with a person you don't trust. He should break off ties with the other women COMPLETELY before entering into a serious relationship with you. You deserve to be his only woman. Make sure he does this!

 

I also encourage you to think why you have trust issues with this man (other than the other woman).

1. Has he lied to you before?

2. Does he make you feel uncomfortable in any way?

3. Have you heard "things" about him?

4. Does he completely trust you?

5. Have you been honest in all your prior relationships?

6. Have you ever been cheated on?

~Just think about these...no need to post your response as this is for you.

 

How long have you been dating this man by the way?

 

If you would like some information about online age-gap relationship forums, articles, research, etc please contact me.

 

Good luck to you!!

[AnnieTheConfused]

Thanks for your replies. First, let me provide a better description of this guy. He is 68, EXTREMELY healthy. In fact, that is one of the things I admire about him so much. Physically, he is more active and efficient than ANY guy my age that I have ever met. He takes on a tremendous amount of work everyday without getting tired. He is one of those people with so much energy that you can't even believe what you see. He is very accomplished in everything he pursued in his life, and people really enjoy being around him.

 

At one point in his life, he was a motivational speaker, and taught many students everywhere. He is like my teacher, but giving me the freedom to learn on my own. He is very smart about allowing me to develop and grow into the person I want to be, on my own. In another words, we really do share a complete equal relationship. It is amazing how nice it is, and it is something I never even knew existed.

 

Now, onto the trust issue. I've known him for over a year, and we only recently got involved. He is a man with a lot of passion and love for women, a lady's man. I'm fully aware of it. However, he explained that he was faithful to his former wife for 25 years during their marriage, only after the divorce, he started seeing a few women. Since we were friends for a while, he told me about them. The one woman he actually cares a lot for, is married. He said that he thought he would be happy marrying her someday, but that changed after he realized his love for me.

 

I don't know how much of his words I should trust, I know that I don't feel right that he still hasn't acted on clearing things up with that lady. She calls a lot and he acts secretive when she calls.

 

As in any relationships, there are pros and cons here. I don't feel that I'm completely sure about this relationship, but I don't want to regret later.

[RecordProducer]

I can't believe you are jealous of this guy who is 40 years older than you. Hopefully you're not a troll so he must be in his 60s and you in your 20s?

 

If he says he loves you and you're the only one, I would actually believe him. But I don't see any happy perspective for your relationship given the age difference (unless if you hope that he will die soon ). Are you in love with him? Do you want to have children? Has he proposed to you?

[Neptune]

Let`s see, if you are 25 he is 65. If youre 30 he is 70. He must must be pretty wealthy? That, from my observation is the crux of the matter. It is all about the money.

 

Or you are not at all atractive or have great emotional difficulties.

 

There is a reason in itself why a woman is attracted to a man 40 years her senior, beyond mere attraction or compatibility. What is it in your case?

[Audrey1]

Let`s see, if you are 25 he is 65. If youre 30 he is 70. He must must be pretty wealthy? That, from my observation is the crux of the matter. It is all about the money.

 

Or you are not at all atractive or have great emotional difficulties.

 

There is a reason in itself why a woman is attracted to a man 40 years her senior, beyond mere attraction or compatibility. What is it in your case?

 

I must disagree with you Neptune. I am 26, my fiance is 50. He's the best man I have ever known and I enjoy everything about him.

 

The reason women are attracted to older men is because they are calm, wise, poised, and possess an old fashioned charm. They don't sit around playing video games, get trashed at pubs, or whine about responsibility. They know how to dress, how to carry themselves, and how to handle people and situations with ease.

 

It's not always about money. There are plenty of younger men in this world with money as well. But must act like morons.

[Neptune]

Audrey1,

If there was a 24 year age difference, as there is with your man, I would not have asked the question I did.

 

I just go by what I see. I have NEVER seen a woman go for a man 40 years her senior unless:

He was wealthy or had high status

She was really unattractive

She was from a third world country. Where wealth is measured in political stabilty, health care, freedom, etc....

She had a hell of an emotional life

She had a bushel of kids. Where wealth is measured in security.

 

I think I would really dig a chick 40 years younger than me. However, at 51 it would not be feasible to date an 11 year old child without going to jail a long, long time. I will just have to be patient 7 more years!

[AnnieTheConfused]

My postings are being uploaded rather slowly. So for people that wrote to me earlier, please also read my second post, which is the third one down the "reply" list.

 

To answer Neptune's questions, no, I am not in for his money. Yes he is wealthy, but to me, that is not measured with how big the numbers get in his bank account. As I said repeatedly, I admire him, as a human being, as a teacher, as one of the few people that I really respect. Call me naive, but that is honestly what I feel toward him. I guess I'm mixing all of this with "deep love", but isn't that part of loving someone deeply?

 

The other thing is that I am not unattractive at all, nor do I have low self-esteem or emotional issues. I'm highly educated, richly cultured and traveled, I have a great career, and I'm very well-loved. Actually, there are plenty of men going after me as of now. What I'm trying to say is that it really does look ridiculous for me to fall for someone my grandpa's age, but love is a miracle, and it is one of the magical things that we just can't explain why. Am I not right about that?

 

One last thing, I said this the first phrase of my first post, I used to judge, and being extremely judgemental of others in similiar situations, but look what I have learned?!

 

Annie

[RecordProducer]

Annie, imagine that your man somehow loses everything he has (financially) is suddenly broke and poor. Would you stay with him?

 

Imagine if he gets sick and spends the rest of his life in a wheel chair. Would you stay with him?

 

These questions can be asked for any partner, young or old, wealthy or poor. I am not being judgemental, I just want you to answer yourself whether you really love him and want to spend the rest of his life with him. He will be very old in 10-15 years. And you will still be young, desirable, and eager for love...

[Milo]

This guy is a bit too long in the tooth. Find a cat with more teeth and you'll have more of a chance at a future.

[under spectra]

hello?? the question she's asking is about his relationship to the other woman.

so i guess i'll be the odd one out and focus on that.

if i were in your position i would explain to him that you don't want to be a third party. does he kiss/etc. with this other woman? weather he does or not i would tell him to put our relationship on hold until he broke it off with this other woman. give him something to go on...he might just get cozy with you being so patient. if you threaten him he might get around to it quicker.