Confused

[Confused]

I am continually perplexed as to why men can not give a reason when they wish to end a relationship.More often than not,it seems they want to disappear.They do not want to talk about it.It seems rude and childish to me and common courtesy should dictate that when two people have spent some time together,it is only right for the one breaking it off to at least offer some insight into the break up.Can someone shed some light on this topic?

[midori]

I'm with you there! That is exactly what I've been going through with my ex boyfriend -- he dumped me abruptly, without any real explanation, and now apparently wants to pretend he never knew me. I'm just as confounded as you seem to be. Strangely enough I just posted my own very similar query a few hours ago. Some of the responses I received were very insightful, one in particular was infuriating but perhaps all too true of the way some men seem to see things when it comes to ending a relationship. I suspect that if there is a trend along gender lines it's because so many men have been socialized to not really address their emotions. It's a lot easier to pretend that there's nothing to talk about if you're not really able to handle sticky emotional matters. But that doesn't help if you're the dumpee, does it?

 

I'm not sure that there's anything one can do about it, I certainly don't feel that I have any options at this point besides putting the whole thing out of my mind and moving on with my life. But, adding insult to injury, I've found that men who like to pull disappearing acts also like to reappear -- when they feel the coast is clear and they won't have to make any awkward explanations. Once you aren't thinking about him everyday or missing him, guess who phones? Surprise surprise.

I am continually perplexed as to why men can not give a reason when they wish to end a relationship.More often than not,it seems they want to disappear.They do not want to talk about it.It seems rude and childish to me and common courtesy should dictate that when two people have spent some time together,it is only right for the one breaking it off to at least offer some insight into the break up.Can someone shed some light on this topic?

[sparkle]

Men aren't the only ones who do this. Many women do this as well. I'm guilty of having done the same thing in the past. It was when I realized that I was so sick and tired of him, and that he had annoyed me so much that I did want to disappear. And I thought that while it may have been nice for me to offer a reason, I wasn't obligated to do so.

 

The main thing that was important was that, no matter what the reason, the relationship wasn't making me happy, and I wanted out. Period.

 

Now that I'm more mature, I probably would offer a reason/explanation on why I want to end it. And while it would be nice if a guy gave me a reason to end it, I wouldn't let myself get so worked up if he didn't.

 

Often, all courtesy flies out the window when a relationship is ending.

 

I'm sorry that your man didn't give you a reason why he wanted to end it. But some of the time, you can figure out what was going wrong in the relationship without him even having to explain it. Also, all men aren't like this. Out of all the guys I've dated, none have done this.

 

So I hope your next boyfriend gives you a very clear explanation of why he doesn't want to go out anymore.

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "Can someone shed some light on this topic?"

 

Most men don't communicate well on an emotional level. Most people don't want to face hurt head on and would just as soon disappear into the sunset as be brutally honest and hurt another's feelings intentionally.

 

But I think most of the time men don't want to communicate the reasons for their departure because of the reasons, which can vary, but in their opinion would hurt the feelings of the lady they're breaking up with. The guys just don't want to hurt feelings.

 

Some of the reasons men break up with women, but don't really want to tell them, are:

 

1. They are interested in someone else.

 

2. The lady has very bad breath.

 

3. The lady's is not good in bed, in his opinion.

 

4. The guy doesn't like the lady's family.

 

5. The lady is too intelligent or not intelligent enough.

 

6. The guy is looking for someone who knows how to cook and the lady doesn't.

 

7. The guy feels the lady is boring.

 

8. The guy likes the lady but knows he would never want to marry her.

 

....and on and on.

 

If you don't get a reason from the guy, just let it go and know that he must have had some reason or he wouldn't have broken up with you. Yes, it would be nice to know...but on the other hand, if he's sick of you passing gas in the car but knows you can't help it because of a medical condition, that would really make you feel bad.

 

Give the guys some credit for considering your feelings.

 

I'm sure you don't pass gas in the car, that was just a hypothetical example...unless, of course, you actually do in which case that's probably why your last guy left.

[Owl]

It's not always easy, or even possible, to rationalize an emotionally-driven decision. That's true for men and women. People fall out of love with each other all the time, and it's not uncommon for an individual to be unable to provide a more concrete motive than that. Do they really have to? Until the day you get married, every relationship you have is going to end. The break-ups won't all be initiated by you, and they won't all end for reasons that can be debated between the two parties.

 

If you asked your guy something like "Why are we breaking up?" or "What don't you like about me?" you'd be expecting a concrete answer, but he might be unwilling or unable to give it for reasons unrelated to childishness or discourtesy. The reasons might be embarrassing (for you or for him) or he might simply be unable to articulate his feelings. If he responded with "I don't know where this thing between us is going" you might be frustrated by his answer, but he could be unable to describe things any more effectively.

 

What reasons do you give when you end a relationship? I'm just curious.

 

Cheers!

 

P.S. Now, if he didn't bother articulating that the relationship was over (he simply stopped seeing you, returning your calls, etc.), then yes, that would be exceptionally rude and childish. He should definitely be nice and explain that it's over -- just don't always expect him to give a detailed accounting of why, and don't assume he's a jerk if he doesn't.