Wife in Anti-Pornography Cult of Man-Haters!!

[InTheMachine]

Need some advice - not sure wtf to do here.

 

Been married 14 years, 2 kids. Good marriage for the most part. Had a drinking problem and quit a long time ago, wife had a few addiction problems too. All better -- except for one thing.

 

She's gotten completely hooked on a couple of internet sites and become OBSESSED with the issue of pornography. I see some people here talking about porn, so maybe y;all can help.

 

I've always looked at porn once in a while. Never really hid it. Maybe I did do it too much sometimes, and I totally agree that it can be a problem.

 

About a year ago, my wife caught me at it. She totally freaked, which is wierd since we've done it together before. I mean freaked. Crying for days.

 

So she starts spending hours and hours online, and ends up at an anti-porn board. Makes a bunch of friends and tells me I'm addicted, that I have a disease.

 

Okay, so she gets kinda wierd on me and starts reading books about it constantly. Sex vanishes and she starts putting on weight.

 

Okay, so I quit porn. Havent' touched it since. Not cuz I think I had a problem, but cuz I don't care about it all that much and she was just freakin out about it.

 

Things started to get better, even tho she was spending way way waytoo much time online talking about porn addiciton, even tho i hadn't touched it in many months.

 

And THEN a couple months ago she hooked up with a new site of women who, well, its like a cult. These people hate men like you wouldnt believe. I guess they set it up to rip on the men and women on the other board I checked it out and its, well, disturbing.

 

The thing is -- my wife is getting wierd because of it. She's angry all the time, and totally anti-male now. I'm especially worried because this man-hating thing is even showing up in how she treats our son, and she's started openly brainwashing our daughter.

 

So - WHAT DO I DO?

 

I gave up porn. It didn't help. She doesn't even believe me, even though I've told her to check all she wants.

 

I've even gone to counseling, even though I haven't touched porn in almost a year now. I'm doing anything to make her happy.

 

But SHES the one with the addiction. To these boards. To the internet.

 

WHAT DO I DO? I'm so clueless. All the hate is destroying our marriage, and Im not causing it, but Im getting the anger. Help.

[Tangerina]

Oh geez, this is a sad story! I totally sympathize! This is kind of the opposite of the 100 million other porn stories on here, and I have pretty much no personal experience with this stuff as in I don't give a rats a$$ if my BF looks at porn and don't have many strong feeling about it either way, but I would say get her into counciling with you... From her point of view, I do understand how it can be very empowering as a woman when you find some philosophy that makes you feel strong in the face of the cultural stereotypes of weakness and submission that we are given (I am just making a big generalization here)... for many women this is a really important turning point in their lives, but it sounds as if she is taking it WAY TOO FAR! When you start using it as a reason to be angry and hate, then you aren't really doing something good for yourself at all.... Couples counciling would probably be a good way for you both to have your say and really hear the other and work some of this out....

[Neptune]

Your wife has a touch of obssesive compulsive disorder. The internet really brings that out in some people. I am a refugee from another message board that had become too much of a compulsion for me.

 

I decided to replace it with something more constructive. LS has really done a great job of that. So, she is really living her life through these message boards now.

 

I think the only hope is to get her away from them long enough for her to "detox" Now I don`t know how to do that.

 

But, counciling is what would be good if you could get her into that.

[High Contrast]

Someone posted those links a little while ago. Those are some wacked out boards there, my man! Your wife is being advised and validated by women who haven't forgiven their husbands for their porno use even if they've avoided it for two years! If your sexless wife is angry at you all the time, why give up porno for that?!

[Kenyth]

Good for you stopping the porn browsing. At least you know what's really important in life. Ditch the computer in the house or the internet connection, remove the modem, something. That way, you can't be accused of looking at porn and she will have to give up the sites fueling this obsession. It will be a good compromise for both of you.

[Confused123]

Hi,

I just went on the website you were talking about. Geezz, these women are alittle much. I am a women in my late 20's, I have had issues with my husband and his porn use, I have even come on here for some advice. But, that is alittle over the top. You and your wife should really have some counseling it is not normal to take such a obessive approach to porn. My husband and I have struggled with this issues for several years. I think we have come along way together. He understand why some of the porn he views makes me uncomfortable and I understand why he likes to view it sometimes. Our sex life is still full and exicting, porn does not take away from that. That is my main point with him. You seem like a nice guy, your wife should realize that when a man views porn it is not always directed at a lack of satification in the relationship. If you realized that she would not need to post on a site with over emotional women, that properly haven't gotten laid in years (no offense to your wife). Just saying, give me a break women.

[JadeStar]

The bad thing about her talking with these other women "man haters" so to speak. Is they are filling her head with things based on their own bad experiences. These are women that have been done wrong, scorned etc, and have nothing but hate and contempt for men that have done this too them. Its not healthy and obviously something that was not properly delt with. They have it set in their minds that ALL men are like this or that. Its sad because thats not so. Not sure what else you can do at this point because no matter what you may tell her, until she comes into her own light about how shes being, she will probably continue to do this. Just MO.

 

 

 

 

Jade

[Kenyth]

That test is nuts. I rate well into the "Below Average" section, but apparently I'm still an "addict". Not surprisingly, there's the opportunity to buy some more information on my "problem" at the bottom of the page.

 

 

Marketing, it's a wonderful thing!

[Craig]

Wow, what seriously screwed up people on those sites! I'm no fan of porn addiction but those people are crazy.

 

Echoing another poster and taking into account what you said about your wife having had some challenges with addictions in the past it does sound like she could have some issues regarding obsessing about things.

 

Counselling could help but will she go to a counselor with you?

 

Trying to make her happy when the behavior she is against isn't happening anymore is, in my opinion, like feeding the dragon for burning your butt. It just encourages the dragon and your butt gets crispier.

 

Getting rid of the Internet access is one step that might work as long as she can't access her anti-porn sites somewhere else.

 

I wish I had more ideas for you.

[bab]

Get rid of the internet.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I agree with Neptune.

 

Your issues aren't so much about "porn" as they are with two people who share addictive personalities.

 

It is VERY common for people who have conquered one addiction to transfer those compulsions to something else. You'd be hard pressed to attend an AA meeting and find just ONE person there who isn't smoking like a chimney.

 

And addictions will manifest themselves in many, many ways…not just in chemical form. There's gambling, shopping, internet, porn, sex, video games, eating/dieting disorders, hording, a collection or hobby that's spiraled way out of control … the list goes on. And we ALL have an addiction to one thing or another. It's just that some are more problematic or detrimental to our well-being than others. The litmus test for an addiction is any behavior which begins to have a negative affect on your life or those around you. Whether it be physical, emotional or financial.

 

I think you are one step ahead of your wife in that you are at least able to recognize when a certain behavior is becoming a 'problem' and are able to extricate yourself in time to readjust and/or reprogram yourself. Sadly, I don't think your wife's there yet. She may not even recognize that she's caught up in yet another habitual cycle. If she's unable to cold-turkey or at least apply some moderation to her internet time, she may need some continued counseling.

 

I know how easy it is to get angry. But as a recovering alcoholic and the husband of a recovering addict, I'm sure you're well versed by now regarding the patterns of addiction. Perhaps you should sit down with your wife and try to calmly discuss your concerns…see if you can get her to recognize that she's slipping again and maybe convince her to get some help.

 

PS…this forum is 'addicting' too. So be careful!

 

Reminds me, I need to apply a little "moderation" myself.

[InTheMachine]

Thank you all for your very helpful ideas and suggestions. I'll consider just about anything at this point.

 

I've been researching more about addiction and I realy get what some of you are saying, especially EnigmaXo. I think while Ive been working on "recovery" or whatever, my wife has been swapping addictions.

 

But this one --- I just dunno how to deal.

 

First, because her addicition is actually to addiction/recovery itself, she can't see it. Thinks its fine and great, even tho she spends hours and hours a day on these sites.

 

Second, because that one site is really a cult sorta. They are all about hate, and she's quoting them at me like its the Bible or something. Its actually changing her, affecting how she treats our kids, and at the same time she acts like now shes "holier than thou."

 

Denial is one thing, I guess. But how do you convince someone theres a problem when THEY think its not only not a problem, but a miracle cure for their other problems? She thinks these sick women are her FRIENDS!

 

Sorry to ramble. Thank for the help. I guess Im just worried about my son ebcause of all this.

[JadeStar]

I agree with Neptune.

 

Your issues aren't so much about "porn" as they are with two people who share addictive personalities.

 

It is VERY common for people who have conquered one addiction to transfer those compulsions to something else. You'd be hard pressed to attend an AA meeting and find just ONE person there who isn't smoking like a chimney.

 

And addictions will manifest themselves in many, many ways…not just in chemical form. There's gambling, shopping, internet, porn, sex, video games, eating/dieting disorders, hording, a collection or hobby that's spiraled way out of control … the list goes on. And we ALL have an addiction to one thing or another. It's just that some are more problematic or detrimental to our well-being than others. The litmus test for an addiction is any behavior which begins to have a negative affect on your life or those around you. Whether it be physical, emotional or financial.

 

I think you are one step ahead of your wife in that you are at least able to recognize when a certain behavior is becoming a 'problem' and are able to extricate yourself in time to readjust and/or reprogram yourself. Sadly, I don't think your wife's there yet. She may not even recognize that she's caught up in yet another habitual cycle. If she's unable to cold-turkey or at least apply some moderation to her internet time, she may need some continued counseling.

 

I know how easy it is to get angry. But as a recovering alcoholic and the husband of a recovering addict, I'm sure you're well versed by now regarding the patterns of addiction. Perhaps you should sit down with your wife and try to calmly discuss your concerns…see if you can get her to recognize that she's slipping again and maybe convince her to get some help.

 

PS…this forum is 'addicting' too. So be careful!

 

Reminds me, I need to apply a little "moderation" myself.

 

 

 

Bingo! Exactly! E is right, people that have addictive personalities anyway, can be addcited to many things. Sometimes lots of things all at once. While some people that may kick one addiction will sometimes replace that addiction with another one. Theres usually a constant void of some kind that needs to be filled for whatever reason.

 

I agree with getting rid of the internet. Is that fair to you so you can't email friends/family etc, no, but its also not fair that you have to go through what you are. The only thing I see as far as getting rid of the interent, is chances are that may stop her from accessing these sites etc, but it may be that she replaces the loss of that with something else. For example, I knew a man once that was heavily addcited to internet porn. His wife got rid of the computer. Sure it kept him off the interent porn, but it did not keep him from looking at it else where. It then went from losing the interent porn to him going to sex shops and renting porn vids and looking at nude xxx mags at newstand stores. I'm not saying your wife will get together a 'man haters" group if you unplug the internet, but who knows. It may be a risk you have to take.

 

 

 

Jade

[EnigmaXOXO]

But how do you convince someone theres a problem when THEY think its not only not a problem, but a miracle cure for their other problems?

 

Hate to answer a question with a question, but what was it that convinced you and your wife the first time around that you had a "problem" with an addiction that needed to be addressed? What inspired or encouraged you to make those difficult lifestyle changes before??

[InTheMachine]

Hate to answer a question with a question, but what was it that convinced you and your wife the first time around that you had a "problem" with an addiction that needed to be addressed? What inspired or encouraged you to make those difficult lifestyle changes before??

 

Good question, Enigma. But the difference was that for both of us, when our families sort of had "intervention" kind of things, it was hard to debate the obvious. My wife was into gambling and drugs at different times. Dumping her stash on the bed or just handing her the checkbook made it a little hard to argue the point. In my case, they just dumped a couple hundred empty beer cans on the floor and asked me if that was really healthy or not?!?!

 

Hard to argue with that. Tho I surely tried!

 

But this time, the more time she spends, the more brainwashed she becomes, the more convinced she is that its healthy. She quotes stuff at me out of context, reads hundreds of "addiction" books, blah blah blah .... she keep saying "could a nutrious person eat TOO healthy? Could somebody get too much therapy? Could an athlete exercise TOO much?"

 

When I point out that, um, yeah --- run too much and your knees go, stay in therapy too much and you get crazy .... well, she just laughs at me. The thing is, if it was drugs or alcohol (or heck, even porn) I could at least find support from other people. Right now, everyone acts like I'M the problem.

 

Meanwhile, my darling is right at this moment ranting to our young son about how evil all men are!!!!!!!

 

I'm starting to remember why I drank.

 

Those evil women on her support board are not helping, either.

[Craig]

Meanwhile, my darling is right at this moment ranting to our young son about how evil all men are!!!!!!!

When you tell someone something they tend to not believe it. When you ask people questions that they answer they believe. The point I'm making is instead of telling your wife, wait until she says something that you can ask her something about in a calm and rational way.

 

For example, if she says "all men are evil" you say, "all men?" If she says "yes" then you have your mental list of good men (Ghandi, Salk, etc.) and ask her about those men.

 

If she changes her tune and says "well, most men are evil" you say, "can you give me specific examples?" That might piss her off but it'll start to create doubt in her mind about her rigid unsubstantiated beliefs.

 

Remember be calm, polite and respectful.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Those evil women on her support board are not helping, either.

 

:lmao:

 

Not evil. Just a group of fellow 'enablers' who honestly believe they are supporting each other by wallowing in each other's bitterness and misery. Never helps, except to give them a sense of 'belonging' in knowing they are not alone. Which is why, in a professional setting, the ill are never left to council the ill. It's like a heroine addict with a needle in their arm giving advice to another heroin addict about how they should quit. Before you can really help someone's recovery, you have to have gone through the process of your own healing and been successful at it. Too much sympathy and not the right kind of "support" will only keep a person comfortable enough to stay right where they are.

 

And of course your wife is going to argue in defense of her behavior. That's all part of the denial, which as you know, is the most difficult stage to break through. Unless she's willing to recognize there might be a problem, and care enough to apply those necessary steps towards changing, there is no "help."

 

Of course, you already know that.

 

If you're unable to convince your wife that her behavior is beginning to affect your family negatively, then you're going to have to shift into self-protective mode. You have to decide when "enough is enough" and find the courage to remove yourself and your son from the environment … if it's as toxic as you describe. Taking drastic action using 'tough love' tactics is sometimes enough to shock someone into taking a real look at the consequences of their behavior. Occasionally it sparks change, but it can also make them resist even harder. In that case, you have to accept that it's a lost cause and decide whether or not it's better to just move on.

 

But it's always better to try and reason, first, before doing anything that might escalate this situation out of control. If your wife would rather spend time on the computer than joining you for outside activities…then take your son out of the house and spend lots of one-on-one bonding time with him. He'll learn, by your example (not by words) that not all men are created "evil."

[Kenyth]

So, you gonna ditch the internet or not?

[catalyst]

I went through that stage. Im still a feminist and although I still have anti porn attitudes, Im not as pissed as I was when I first started thinking about it. What helped me see the other side of the story was when I realized that the sexism in the sex industry is aimed at women AND men. Think about it, are the images of men in porn magazines realistic? Sexism sucks. But what a lot of feminists fail to realize is that it works both ways and both genders get screwed in the long run.

 

Pun fully intended.

 

Try enrolling both you and your wife in a gender studies course. You will at least understand that it is not men she hates, but the culture of sexism. She will learn learn the same, and to tone down her message. Telling your son how bad men are borders on abuse, and she really, really needs to stop doing that.

[Toni_no12002]

I had a problem with my bf looking at porn.Well actually i still do and im going to counselling because of it.To be honest is it even worth all the hassle.Ive been through hell because of it.I know that it isnt totally my bfs fault,but women feel that men prefer those sorts of women to the normal people.I understnad that maybe it is just fantasy but if you really loved someone is it even worth looking to fulfil your fantasy?

 

Your wife is upset.I am exactly the same as her as i am going throught exactly the same thing.I look on the internet trying to find why men look.Sometimes i want to hear nasty things because it makes me feel hurt.Sounds stupid but thats how some people are.I really feel for your wife or gf as i know exactly what shes going through.It is hard trust me.I think she does need counselling.

 

Dont give up on her though she probably loves you more then anything why else would she care what you looked at?Shes paranoid that you will think these women are better than her.Well i dont know for sure but i know i do.Thats why i am seeing a counsellor.Im sorry to say however much you tell her you wont look again or you love her more than anyone ,she wont believe you.

 

If she keeps checking what your looking at she might be anxious.Thats what my ounsellor told me.He also told me to exercise at least for 30 mins a day as it would relax me more.Try it.

 

Good luck!

[michaelk]

It's not quite clear from what you wrote, but it doesn't sound like your porn viewing was out of hand. Your wife voiced concerns and you apparently have addressed them. So you've been extremely accomodating and the porn 'issue' should be behind you.

 

But this new behavior of your wife's is an order of magnitude more serious, especially since she's involving your two children. You've got to address this now, for their sake. Your wife should have only two options at this point: 1) Go into counseling so you can get some help in opening her eyes, or 2) You and the kids have to get away from her.

 

I see this as no different than if she were an alcoholic who mentally abused your kids. I've got young kids of my own, and I would put their welfare over even my marriage. Although in your case, I can't see what kind of marriage you have left, given your wife's newfound hatred.

[westernxer]

I'm afraid your wife is gonna cut off your son's penis before he comes of age.

[Toni_no12002]

i dont think its about hating men its about hating porn!making women feel like crap .Its because of this porn being so available men look at it.Women want to feel special.Men should think before they start looking at it.Women are different to men they are not visual like men say they are they act on feelings.So think before you do!

[michaelk]

I don't even want to get into the whole discussion of why women think porn is bad and men don't. That has no place in this thread, because the OP's problem is no longer about porn. She asked him to stop. He did. He even offers to let her check up on him, so she can see it's true. But now that she's entered into this destructive thinking, it apparently doesn't matter what he has or has not done. She's just going to continue to take it out on her family. And that's where he needs to be focusing his attention.

[Toni_no12002]

In a way it has because this set it off.I know as i do exactly the same as his wife.My boyfriend doesnt look anymore but i still search for why .I think it would be best if she seeked help.

 

Shes just going to get more and more wound up about things bylooking at these sites.

 

I hope she gets better soon