blowin Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 Do you and your wife talk about it rationally, was your porn use problem aired out properly at the time or is was it shoved out of sight but not out of her mind? It might help your wife if she starts a journal, that would give her an out let to get all of her feelings out. Is she a stay home mom, maybe if she had another interest in life such as sewing or quilting or tennis or something that interests her she could channel some of her energy else where, prehaps even something you could do together. Anna Link to post Share on other sites
Lennox Posted January 19, 2006 Share Posted January 19, 2006 You keep saying there's no problem on your end, but we have yet to hear your wife's point of view on this subject. Why don't you allow her to be free of her wrist restraints for a few and let her post her own experiences on here? Unlike a lot of others, when it comes to marital problems, I don't take one side of the story and regard it as the golden truth. Just remember, an alcoholic can white knuckle it and stop drinking without help for a year, but that doesn't mean that he's not an alcoholic. Link to post Share on other sites
Toni_no12002 Posted January 19, 2006 Share Posted January 19, 2006 You say porn is just fantasy.So if its someones fantasy to get tortured then fair enough doesnt mean they act on it.I read something somewhere saying that quite a lot of women have fantasies about being raped!its the whole thing about a good looking stranger taking complete control.Probably the same with the beatings etc they want to be in control doesnt make them sick.I bet quite alot of people on here has weird fantasies which you wouldnt tell anyone about! Link to post Share on other sites
Lennox Posted January 19, 2006 Share Posted January 19, 2006 I have read his posts carefully and thoroughly, however, in any marital conflict, there are two sides of the story...ALWAYS! I am not willing to just accept what this guy is writing here as the gospel truth without hearing what his wife has to say about all this, explain how she came to the realization that porn was a problem in their relationship, and how she feels about the message boards...IN HER OWN WORDS! How about it, mister? Take the shackles off the wife and allow her to speak for herself here. Link to post Share on other sites
Weye Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 lindya, Your opinions in opposition to *violent* porn are sound, but you are getting off topic here. In this trhead, we are not talking about *violent* porn, I don't remember reading anywhere that Inthemachine was viewing that type of pron, or that MAPA was opposed solely to porn that involved *violence*. They condem *all* porn. Lets not change the subject. I'm sure many people here would be glad to have that discussion with you, but you should start a new thread. Lennox, Unlike a lot of others, when it comes to marital problems, I don't take one side of the story and regard it as the golden truth. When it comes to hatred, there are no two sides to a story. This includes violence against Blacks, Jews, Homosexuals, Women, and in this case, the male gender. Look over MAPAs forum all tell me they don't preach hatred. Just remember, an alcoholic can white knuckle it and stop drinking without help for a year, but that doesn't mean that he's not an alcoholic. So once an alcoholic, forever an alcoholic? If a guy looks at porn once, he's guilty even a year later? graceandserenity, You claim that you community does not condone violence; read my last post in this thread, I have quotes pasted from MAPA where a girl describes how she battered her ex. The community's response, an on-line standing ovation! Do you think its possible that the reaction to porn use is far more devastating to the marriage than the porn use itself. Most couples get along just fine even when one or both members use porn. Many couples watch porn together. The statistics are staggering. Its a 12 billion dollar industry. The number 1 search engine term is "sex". Hollywood releases 11,000 porn movies each year. 1 in 3 visitors to porn sites are women. Its safe to say, virtually all men watch porn. Condeming porn to the degree that the MAPA community does simply isn't realistic. You're all better off accepting that porn is a part of life, always will be, and nothing you do will ever change that. Come back down to earth and find a more healthy hobby --join a gym, take up painting, horseback riding, yoga etc... Link to post Share on other sites
magnify Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 Weye, a lot of people shoot drugs into their arms, it's also a squllion dollar industry so should all of society just join in? If one partner has a problem with porn in their marriage it's a problem. If he finds that her treatment of the boy a problem, it's a problem. If someone feels upset, hurt, uncomfortable......that's what they feel, quoteing that X number of other people don't feel the same way means jack s*** when some is having marriage problems. I read at the mothers board and it sounds like they have been married to men with serious pornography problems, I read one where the husband was wacking off several times a day to it including at his work, so I guess they have some major stuff going on in their lives that we don't understand. I would rather hear from machine's wife before judgeing what's really going on, if porn isn't a problem in her marriage I wonder why it is that she is spending a lot time being helped by these people that she shouldn't have anything in common with. Link to post Share on other sites
Lennox Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 Weye, Yes, once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. Doesn't mean the alcoholic can't achieve sobriety and work a program. Why are you trying to justify this guy's obvious controlling personality? I say lets hear from the wife, if she indeed exists. Weye, aren't you interested in what the wife is thinking about all this? Or does it simply not matter because she's a woman? I'll bet you that he's gonna do a disappearing act and we'll never hear from anyone that purports to be his wife. You don't need credentials in marriage and family therapy to realize that there are always two sides to each story when it comes to marital conflicts. Life experience teaches you that basic lesson. edit for misspelling Weye's name Link to post Share on other sites
Weye Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 Weye, a lot of people shoot drugs into their arms, it's also a squllion dollar industry so should all of society just join in? Porn and drug use are totally different. Comparing one to the other is silly. If someone feels upset, hurt, uncomfortable......that's what they feel, Yes, it is, and when someone is upset, hurt, uncomfortable because of something that is NATURAL and UNCHANGABLE, then they need to look inside for the source of the problem, and perhaps get counsoling. What would you do if your husband was driven to rage and tears every time you had a period? Would you be sensetive to his FEELINGS:rolleyes: , apologize, and promise never to have one again? Or would you start looking for a good shrink? Always two sides to a problem right? quoteing that X number of other people don't feel the same way means jack s*** when some is having marriage problems. What the statistics prove is that porn is a normal thing, like it or not. If a wife has a problem with her husband doing something that more than 90% of men do, then its HER problem. She can whine all she wants, she can rant away in your little community, she can heve whack him in the face with his X-rated video tape. Guess what, he's not going to change -ever. Just like you won't be able to make the wind stop blowing and the sun stop shining, you'll never be able to get your husbands to stop seeking sexual gratification.That's why your husbands keep going back to it after they claim that they've "quit". Yet you encourage violence as a response to normal behavior? Sounds like a dangerous obsession to me. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 You don't need credentials in marriage and family therapy to realize that there are always two sides to each story when it comes to marital conflicts. Life experience teaches you that basic lesson. Life experience teaches me that there are three sides to every story - his, hers & the truth. ....aren't you interested in what the wife is thinking about all this? Or does it simply not matter because she's a woman? Oh dear. The OP came here with his issue, people responded. If everyone waited for the other side of the story & then an objective third opinion to verify its authenticity the administrators would close this place down & get on with their paying jobs. I'll bet you that he's gonna do a disappearing act and we'll never hear from anyone that purports to be his wife. Seeing as he said they got rid of the computers in their home it's highly likely that we won't hear from either of them - oh but wait a sec' - he must be lying because he's a man, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Lennox Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 No shortage of gaslighting here, huh Weye? Comparing porn use to a woman's period is illogical. I as a woman don't need to go looking for my period, it comes naturally. You have to seek out porn to wank to it. Two very different things...but it must be hard for you to see that with a porn filled haze in your mindset. Ladies, if you think porn is a problem in your relationship, then it IS. Only women with very low self esteem will put up with porn use if they are uncomfortable with it. It is absolutely untrue that men "need" porn. You are not crazy for having a problem with it. Too often, we women are taught to not trust our gut instincts. If your gut instinct is telling you that porn does not belong in your relationship, then listen to it. You have the RIGHT to insist on a porn free relationship. You have the right to make your partner make a choice, either wanking to the pixels or being with you. If he chooses the pixels, then you have lost nothing of importance. One of two things is wrong if he chooses the porn over you. Either he's a porn addict, which you don't want to waste your time with, or he's just an extremely selfish bastard, which you don't want to waste your time with either. It's complete bullcrap that men "need" porn, don't even waste your time giving that empty mindset any serious consideration. You are worthy enough to have your thoughts and feelings respected. Don't lower your standards for any man. You don't want to be stuck getting old with a man that wanks so much that he needs Viagra by the time he's 50 just to treat his erectile dysfunction. If you have a problem with porn: You have the right to have a porn free relationship Link to post Share on other sites
Toni_no12002 Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 There not sick people.Everyone has problems.Some affect people more than others.I think that if it bothers her that much about the porn(which it did me when my boyfriend did it) why shouldnt she talk to people. Link to post Share on other sites
Weye Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 It's complete bullcrap that men "need" porn, don't even waste your time giving that empty mindset any serious consideration. I never said men "needed" porn. I'm going to make an analogy to beter describe the situation. Imagine you have a dog. A cute cuddley, one with long golden hair. You've raised him since he was a mere puppy. He barks and runs to th front door to greet you when you come home from work every day. You love him to death, and he loves you back just as much. Now, leave a warm juicy steak on the floor in front of him. What's the dog going to do? He is going to eat it. Does the dog "need" the steak? No, he could live the rest of his life on dog food. But he's going to eat the steak every time you leave it on the floor. Is he a bad dog for doing so? That's your opinion, but don't expect the dog to not eat the steak. Here's how this applies to the male gender. We "need" sex. And when it comes to anything involving sex, we are more like dogs than humans. Thats right, every guy from time to time is going to get caught thinking with his penis. I'm not asking you to like it, but I think you'd be better off accepting it as a part of life. Now what your communite encourages would be akin to starving the dog, kicking him out of the house forever, or even taking him out back and whipping him to death just for being a dog. If you have a problem with porn: You have the right to have a porn free relationship Sure, you have a right to one, just don't expect to ever find one. Link to post Share on other sites
Lennox Posted January 22, 2006 Share Posted January 22, 2006 There you go again Weye. You're comparing taking away porn from a man to starving a dog. Dogs need food to live. Men don't need porn to live. No one is throwing porn at any man like you're trying to compare throwing down a steak at a dog. You have to seek it out. Men also don't "need" sex to live. We have a right to porn free relationships and there are plenty that are around, including my marriage. I made my husband choose between me and the videos and pictures. He had the freedom to choose one or the other, but he can't have his cake and eat it too. It took all the strength I had to make that ultimatum and mean it, but I did. I have much too much to offer a man just to be stuck with one that would prefer wanking off to pictures of women that would rather spit on him than take a second look at him. Any lady on here that doesn't like porn can also make the same ultimatum and wind up in a porn free relationship. If the guy refuses to give up his porn, then he doesn't deserve our love, PERIOD. There are way too many men out there that are nice guys that would LOVE to have a live woman love them rather than waste their time wanking to porn. Ladies, if a man really loves you and cares for you, he will stop with the porn crap once he finds out it hurts you...or until you lay down the law and give him the ultimatum it's either porn or you, choose wisely. If he is that self absorbed that he would rather keep his porn and lose you, then you deserve a much better man than him. You deserve to be with a real man that can handle a real relationship with a REAL woman! Don't expect to find a porn free relationship Weye? I already have one! Thanks for the concern and the extra gaslighting tactics though! Link to post Share on other sites
Weye Posted January 23, 2006 Share Posted January 23, 2006 There you go again Weye. You're comparing taking away porn from a man to starving a dog. Dogs need food to live. Men don't need porn to live. No one is throwing porn at any man like you're trying to compare throwing down a steak at a dog. You have to seek it out. You either didn't read my post clearly, or couldn't understand it. Just because somebody doesn't need something, doesn't mean thay are not going to get it. A guy will always persue sexual satisfaction. Its an unchangable natural instinct. Men also don't "need" sex to live. You are living in a fantasy world. Sure, we can physically survive without sex, but if you delude yourself for even one second to think that a guy is going to live a life of abstinence, you belong in the looney-bin. We have a right to porn free relationships and there are plenty that are around Again, fantasy. There are extremely few porn free relationships around. Look at statistics. Or do you choose to ignore the real world? , including my marriage. Read the stories from the other posters on MAPA and LS, you'll see that even those guys who claim to quit porn usually end up going back. See a pattern developing here? Probably don't, do you... You're husband will end up back with porn, its only a matter of time. I made my husband choose between me and the videos and pictures. He had the freedom to choose one or the other, but he can't have his cake and eat it too. What *will* you do next time you catch him watching a porn flick? Will you beat him like the last girl? It took all the strength I had to make that ultimatum and mean it, but I did. I have much too much to offer a man just to be stuck with one that would prefer wanking off to pictures of women that would rather spit on him than take a second look at him. This shows that you don't understand porn at all. Any lady on here that doesn't like porn can also make the same ultimatum and wind up in a porn free relationship. If the guy refuses to give up his porn, then he doesn't deserve our love, PERIOD. Again, you're living in a fantasy world. The numbers show that very very few if any 'ladies' actually have that porn free relationship. The few that do probably don't really, and are just being lied to. There are way too many men out there that are nice guys that would LOVE to have a live woman love them rather than waste their time wanking to porn. Fact or Fiction? Get out of you're little MAPA bubble and look at the real world for a change and you'll know the answer. Ladies, if a man really loves you and cares for you, he will stop with the porn crap once he finds out it hurts you...or until you lay down the law and give him the ultimatum it's either porn or you, choose wisely. If he is that self absorbed that he would rather keep his porn and lose you, then you deserve a much better man than him. You deserve to be with a real man that can handle a real relationship with a REAL woman! A REAL woman is one who doesn't obsess over something as trivial as porn use on an extremist website. Don't expect to find a porn free relationship Weye? I already have one! That's what you think! Boys will be boys, you can so everything you want to try and change that, but you will fail every time. I predict your husband will be back into porn before you know it, he'll just hide it better. Thanks for the concern and the extra gaslighting tactics though! I already can tell that you are stuck in your ways and blinded to reality, and that any evidence, no matter how compelling, will ever convince you to even look at this from a different angle. But, I did find a link that I thought would make a good read. I don't expect you to read anything Lennox, but hopefully some of the others reading this thread will. You're fighting a losing battle. You and your co-extremist virtua-sisters can either accept that and get on with your lives or remain frusterated forever. Link to post Share on other sites
Bob Dole Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 Well this thread has certainly gone on for a while, hasn't it? And wandered far, far into a special brand of nuttiness, too! To the original poster, should he return: my best to you, friend. You (and your wife) wandered into two pretty dangerous minefields, the equally addictive arenas of pornography and message boards. Regardless of the objective morality of either, I doubt anyone would argue that when taken to extremes, both can be damaging. To your relationship. And to you. I congratulate your wife on leaving that particular nest of vipers and you on overcoming your own demons. The truth is that cyberspace as a whole has its dangers. Mundane dangers, maybe, but dangers nonetheless. Pornography is a pathetic waste, but equally wasteful is a life lived ranting and raving to anonymous strangers who agree with you anyways in everything you think and feel. You've made a wise decision. Perhaps someday you can both return to the information superhighway (more like back alley) and use a little more moderation. Until then, bravo to you for taking decisive steps! Go live real life. It's much, much better than anything - anything at all - that you can find staring at a screen. Peace to you and your wife, and to the all the tortured souls who can't fathom what I just wrote, and prefer a life in computer-land. God help them. Take care, compadre. Link to post Share on other sites
Author InTheMachine Posted June 30, 2006 Author Share Posted June 30, 2006 Hello again. Just a quick update and a thank you to everyone. After this conversation and a couple weeks of counseling, I showed my wife this thread. At first she was upset and angry and cried a lot. She was hurt that I'd talked about here and hurt that I felt our relationship had gotten so bad. But reading through all the stuff you guys wrote turned out to be a big eye opener for her. More importantly, it got us both talking, about her obsession with the Internet, about that horrible message board she visited, about my own issues with pornography. We got some serious couples counseling and some of our own. We also got rid of the damn computer completely. Not just the Internet, the whole damn computer. It was the best thing that ever happened. She came out of the fog of her message board addiction and realized how truly ugly that board was. Without a computer, she started to trust me again. Lots and lots of talking and lots and lots of counseling later (THANK GOD for insurance!) and we're doing really well. It's not all better yet, but better than its been in a lot of years. I got my wife back. We got our marriage back. We owe at least some of that to you guys. I'm sitting in the library at the moment, messing around while my wife looks at cookbooks, and I thought I'd jump on here and say thanks. Thank you all. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
sugarplum Posted June 30, 2006 Share Posted June 30, 2006 I got my wife back. We got our marriage back. Congratulations, what a wonderful thing! Link to post Share on other sites
LightningRod Posted July 1, 2006 Share Posted July 1, 2006 Good for them. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey Shortie Posted July 1, 2006 Share Posted July 1, 2006 "A REAL woman is one who doesn't obsess over something as trivial as porn use on an extremist website.." A REAL man might try to understand why this is an isue for women and isn't trivial instead of telling them to shut up and deal with it. "Does the dog "need" the steak? No, he could live the rest of his life on dog food. But he's going to eat the steak every time you leave it on the floor. Is he a bad dog for doing so? That's your opinion, but don't expect the dog to not eat the steak." The flaw in this logic is that you don't factor in that men aren't really *dogs*. That you have higher intelligence. You have the ability to love, hate, kill and use self control. If I took something from a man every time it was offered to me while in a relationship, I doubt my man would be happy about that but I could blame it on the starving dog and steak theory you have. Which would be idiotic. Because I have self control. Also, sometimes men put the steak infront of themselves..many times infact and then they whine that they are just being men and being sexual. Don't tempt yourself if you can't control yourself. And learn to have more respect for the woman in your life that is the person that honestly cares about you over the women you are defending that could give a crap if you are dead or alive. Men really have their priorities screwd on backwards sometimes. Here's how this applies to the male gender. We "need" sex. And when it comes to anything involving sex, we are more like dogs than humans. Thats right, every guy from time to time is going to get caught thinking with his penis. I'm not asking you to like it, but I think you'd be better off accepting it as a part of life. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 2, 2006 Share Posted July 2, 2006 IMHO porn allows men to sublimate their natural biological imperative to mate. One need only look at the Biblical story of Samson and Delilah to see how much power women once held over men. Or check out Homer's Illiad. Or alot of those old timey and more historically factual wars, where soldiers fought for (literally) booty -- the right to rape and enslave the females (who at least got to live when a city was sacked). As a man, it is a brutal, omnipresent urge to mate, especially in the younger years which once were a full lifespan (30- yrs). I could fully imagine being a caveman and humping some carefully stacked rocks just to be rid of it. Or hitting someone with a rock. You see it in the natural world too. Those rams squaring off, damned if that s*** doesn't look like it hurts. I've half a mind to start producing ram porn for open air theaters just to get them to stop, but I'm not sure those poor bastards can lick their own junk anyway. Being unable to relieve this urge in any other way amounts to becoming a total slave to women. When you're married, and you have a good wife, that's fine; that's the way it should be. But when you're not, porn is male liberation, plain and simple. No wonder it bothers feminists because it is a severe loss of traditional woman's power, the caretakers of sensuality. Brave new world of unintended consequence and all that. Need more soma. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey Shortie Posted July 2, 2006 Share Posted July 2, 2006 So what you are saying that men are never their own man. If it isn't a real women who has them by the balls it is porn. ANd men rather it be the porn then women. That is a sad sad state of affairs for men and women. Maybe if men stood up and acted like real men, used a little self control, you wouldn't have to hand your balls over to women or porn and could be having better relationships with real women. Link to post Share on other sites
barsin Posted July 2, 2006 Share Posted July 2, 2006 So what you are saying that men are never their own man. If it isn't a real women who has them by the balls it is porn. ANd men rather it be the porn then women. That is a sad sad state of affairs for men and women. Maybe if men stood up and acted like real men, used a little self control, you wouldn't have to hand your balls over to women or porn and could be having better relationships with real women. I agree it's a sad state of affairs but it's the one we've got. Society has changed rather quickly in the last few hundred years, and men are expected to shake off the mud of thousands of years of bloody warfare and rise up as somehow suddenly civilized metrosexuals. Well, porn is the slapdash answer. A real man would take you over his knee before he threw you over the side of his yacht, then smoke a cigar. I swear to god, this real man s***, I bet it's just what the Vikings had to listen with from their women. "If you were a real man, I'd have a copper bowl! bla bla bla" Link to post Share on other sites
ronnieromance Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 So what you are saying that men are never their own man. If it isn't a real women who has them by the balls it is porn. ANd men rather it be the porn then women. That is a sad sad state of affairs for men and women. Maybe if men stood up and acted like real men, used a little self control, you wouldn't have to hand your balls over to women or porn and could be having better relationships with real women. What he's saying is that "Testosterone is a hell of a drug." -R- Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts