Wife in Anti-Pornography Cult of Man-Haters!!

[Becoming]

There are reasons for whatever the addiction of the day is. Porn is not good; it objectifies people who were designed to be honored and respected as real people in real relationships, and this objectification is the first step of disrespect. It sounds like the OP gets this and stopped.

 

But somewhere for some reason the wife doesn't. She's flipped into another addiction, looking for something to make her feel honored and respected, looking for something to fill some lack. And she's not gonna find it in any other way than by going deep and connecting to the source of real life with God/Higher Power/etc. which also happens through connecting with real people who respect and honor her.

 

It sounds like she's nursing her wound for attention. In which case, don't give her any when she acts like a jerk, and calmly tell her this: "I can't relate to you in love the way I'd like to when you {name specific behavior}." And don't let her fill your son with hate--intervene for his sake; you have that responsibility as a parent. But you'll have to praise her out the yinyang when she relates to you in love. There was another post about training men like dogs a while back. That's true of all of us.

 

Anyone know if there's an AA group for internet addiction?

 

Gender studies is also a great idea.

 

But provided the OP is being totally honest, she's got a problem she can't get over or won't get over. Where is her wounding? Minister to that over the next few months, and I believe your love will win out over their hate. If it doesn't, then, yes, drastic measures may be required.

 

Best wishes in your continued recoveries.

[Cecelius]

I just have to point out the humor of the fact that my filter won't let me get to an ANTI-porn site because it is sex related...

[MrsP]

Okay, so she gets kinda wierd on me and starts reading books about it constantly. Sex vanishes and she starts putting on weight.

Your noticing your wife's putting on weight caught my attention. I totally lost my appetite when my husband finally had to tell me about his porn and strip club habits. I know people respond to feeling hurt differently, but perhaps THIS incident hit at a time when her chemistry is changing and she knows for sure she is not going to be 20-something again. Everyone seems to be on the additction explanation, but she may be building walls around herself to "prepare herself to be a 40-50 year old woman alone in the world." I'm 33 and finding out that my husband loved giving our kids' college money to college girls at clubs would have felt much less threatening 10 years ago. Then I had a lifetime of choices, but now I'm going to stay with my family and I have to live with the fact I can't compete with his younger interests. I agree that being angry with a bunch of man-haters is never a good idea, but maybe it is her way of building a bigger defense against what she may fear is your desire to eventually leave her for a younger hottie. Could she be depressed or extremely fearful of your leaving her (hence building her walls with the looney ladies just in case)? Perhaps asking her this in a sensitive way (by telling her you are thinking about her and your relationship) could open some door of communication. You are thinking about her and trying to use the web to save your marriage. That shows you care and might encourage her to add a window to her defensive wall.

[Milo]

Surfing free porn sites on the internet is one thing, but passing out $$$ to strippers is insane.

[MrsP]

I know a woman who started sheilding herself off from men (like IntheMachine's wife except she chose a religious group instead of a man-haters cult) just because a much younger, pretty woman started working at her husband's office. The poor guy's "crime" can be big, small or even imagined to set a woman to wall building. The perception (and often misperception) is that your man desires someone else at a time that you could have no one else because you have given all of your good years to him and your family. This may not explain his wife's reaction, but it may be worth exploring.

[Bob Dole]

Your dilemma is unfortunate. Both of those boards have some ... problems. Some people who use them in an unhealthy manner. That second board is indeed a severely unhealthy place.

 

I'd strongly urge you to either share all of this in couples' counseling, or, if your wife refuses, actually sit WITH her as she goes to those boards. Talk about what you see, share your views.

 

Frankly, that second board is nothing but destructive. I've rarely seen such immaturity. Perhaps open sharing with your wife will allow her to open her eyes a bit to the reality of what she's reading.

[High Contrast]

Your dilemma is unfortunate. Both of those boards have some ... problems. Some people who use them in an unhealthy manner. That second board is indeed a severely unhealthy place.

 

That second board hails you as a mighty paladin in the anti-porn crusade, Jake. How can you betray them with such a stinging rebuke?

[MrsP]

I saw this suggestion and agree that it is worth a try if you can commit to each other that this is an issue you both WANT to work through to improve, not dissolve your marriage. I keep thinking the snide remarks about men to your son is her way of saying what she thinks in a manner that definitely gets your attention. If she has your undivided attention on the real issue, maybe she'll commit to keeping the children out of it (as they should be). Since she is only feeling safe behind a wall of self-righteous women, perhaps you need to go the extra mile to hug her EVERY time she starts a rant. Listen to her and look at her when she is upset and reassure in a loving way until she can feel safe on your side of the wall. With the holidays nearby, it is a good time to really be with her and see if there is something together you want to both save. It may take your going the extra mile for a long while. Best to you and your family.

[MrsP]

Your dilemma is unfortunate. Both of those boards have some ... problems. Some people who use them in an unhealthy manner. That second board is indeed a severely unhealthy place.

 

I'd strongly urge you to either share all of this in couples' counseling, or, if your wife refuses, actually sit WITH her as she goes to those boards. Talk about what you see, share your views.

 

Frankly, that second board is nothing but destructive. I've rarely seen such immaturity. Perhaps open sharing with your wife will allow her to open her eyes a bit to the reality of what she's reading.

Sorry, IntheMachine, this is the quote I meant to reference in the beginning-

actually sit WITH her as she goes to those boards. Talk about what you see, share your views]

[Kenyth]

So, did you ditch the internet or not? I get a feeling that plus counseling will go a long way right now. Let us know how it's going.

[MySugaree]

The irony, here, is delicious:One spouse becomes Internet-obsessed to battle her spouse's Internet obsession. As a result, both spend more time online than on each other.

 

The Net can become a fatal diversion to many a troubled marriage as one unhappy spouse after another hides out online. The conversations are made elsewhere.

 

Whether Porn or Anti-Porn the Net Obsession remains the same.

 

Kill the Net, before the Net kills your marriage.

[SamandBran]

I think you and your wife may want to go to counseling together. I agree that looking at porn with my hubby is ok but I don't like the idea of him checking out naked women all the time behind my back. That's like cheating to me. Why would he want to see other naked women? Am I not enough?

 

Your wife is surely feeling the exact same way as I do and now that she has met others that feel the same way too (that they are sick of their men looking at lusty women behind their backs), it gives her more strength. On top of this, they are most likely instigating the issue and putting even more evil thoughts in her head than she had before. Ever heard of the saying, "Misery loves company"? The women that are talking to her probably have husbands that are far deeper into the porno and probably have even gone to live titty bars b/c that's most likely where the addiction eventually leads then on to cheating. These other women have probably lost their marriages to something that seemed innocent at first and they are pissed.

 

And they are the ones talking to your wife.

 

Promise your wife no more porn unless it is with her, go seek counseling. Take a vacation and make her feel beautiful every chance you can.

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

[Sneakee Monkee]

Inthemachine,

 

Hi ya,

 

Okay, you quit looking at porn on the net. What's to say you don't have a hidden stash of nudie mags under your bed? In the car? At work in your desk? Hidden the trash can in the bathroom at the rest stop on exit 37b out west of town?

 

Oh, and then you might have those little ink pens that have the little picture in them where the bikini top falls off to show some boobs. Or what if your finger prints were found on one of those coffee cups where the tank disappears when you add hot water? Or what about the tool-calendar at the local automotive repair place? Better not flip through HBO or Showtime or Cinemax after dark, either!

 

Shall I go on? There is nothing that you can do to pacify your wife in this situation. Sexuality is out there. It's everywhere. And just because you looked at someone else naked doesn't make you a bad person! You don't deserve to be put down and b*tched at about it, nor does your wife have ANY business dragging your children into it. Honestly- it's not an addiction, we either do it or we don't. Our heart won't stop beating if we don't do it!

 

It is something she will have to come to terms with herself- because that is where the problem lies- with her.

 

Can I ask, have you ever tried to involve her in the porn? Maybe she feels like you've cheated on her in some fashion by looking at it alone. I hate that word. Porn. It sounds dirty- but some of it's not. I mean, keep kids and animals out of it, but I actually don't have a problem with it- now. Infact hubby and I sometimes look at it together. We compare boobs and butts and other areas, wishing we looked a certain way, sometimes just laughing, sometimes building up to other things. Now, we don't look at it EVERYDAY, I mean, in actuality, maybe every few months is it...

 

I can say all this because in a round about way- I am the pot calling the kettle black. I used to be so paranoid about my husband (yeah- I'm a woman, bet you didn't see that coming from all that I wrote above) cheating on me or not loving me anymore if he looked at another female or looked at some one on TV. I had to be constantly reassured that he loved me, that he only had eyes for me blah blah blah etc etc. Then one day I realized- hubby's not going anywhere.

 

That was the day that an ex-gf of his who just happened to be an "exotic (i think it should be erotic) dancer" ran into us when we were vacationing out of town. How she ended up checking in as we were checking out, I'll never know, but to put it bluntly, she invited my hubby up to test the bed out.

 

Now, how is that for worrying about whether or not hubby is thinking about someone else instead of you? Needless to say, hubby chose me, and I'm assuming your still choosing your wifey.

 

I think she's having severe feelings of inadequacy (caintspeel) on more than jsut a physical level and she's grabbing at whatever she can to hurt you to make herself feel better. Dragging your kids into it, obsessing on the net with a bunch of other women who sound like their on the verge of demanding the nutering of all things male, and there's not a whole lot you can do to change it.

 

Just tell her how you feel about it. Do it more often. Gushing love notes and flowers might help, but as I listed above, there's always going to be something that she can grab onto to use against you in the porno wars because you can't control what you come in contact with (as w/ my hubby's exfling).

 

She's got to want to let it go- you can't do that for her. She also has to be real with herself. Can she honestly say that she never checks out men? I mean, has she never commented on (example) Mel Gibson or Matt Damon or John Elway or a half naked wrestler on TV? If not then she is truely unique. If she has, then maybe she needs to understand, that on some level- there really is no difference. It's all a form of voyuerism.

 

At least to me. This was all my opinion, based on my experiences. I don't expect many people to understand or even agree with me, but just know, that there are housewifes out there that don't think "porn" is evil.

 

Warm thoughts...

[Citizen Erased]

Okay some women are insane! Porn addiction is totally non-existent. Calling it an addiction and going on these stupid websites are a way of her getting back at her for looking at women who she fears you find more attractive than her. That is it. Period. Most Women who don't like Porn dont because it is a threat to them. I am comfortable in my relationship so I couldnt care less. I can get the same satisfaction at checking out guys (mmn johnny depp!) as guys do at looking at naked women.

 

Half of Internet porn is not even real anyway, and for the majority just plain nasty with chicks fingering the a@!s holes and **** like that. And for all you guys who haven't actually studied a real life vagina THEY DONT REALLY LOOK LIKE THAT ON THEM EITHER! There, I've said it. Fear and lust are behind all those arguments couples go through in relation to Porn. Without this issue, think about how good most relationships would be. This is not a part of real life, its all fantasy. Men are men and they are only following their natural urges when they want to look at naked girls doing stuff most women would never think of doing. But thats the thing, most of it is fantasy and most guys dont actually want to really do half the stuff they see chicks doing in porn. Its just all fantasy and visualisation. Nothing else.

 

Those nasty websites against men and totally against the chicks actually doing the porn are just plain ridiculous. Like, GET OVER IT!

 

Inthemachine, get rid of the Internet and ASAP because your wife is out of control. Counselling is obvious but if this doesnt work getting you and your kids away from your wife is needed.

 

I wish you luck.

[Greg25]

I don't think porn itself is evil or inherently anti-women, though I've seen some arguments about its negative influence. However, it is one thing to realise porn can have its dark side; I'd agree for example that porn involving violence or sexual abuse is evil, but to engage in a weird moral crusade against men in general because some use porn is no more rational than condemning an entire race because some are criminals. Your wife seems to have some serious issues with sex, and I think her hatred of it is representative of some underlying issues she is possibly repressing in an unhealthy way. She needs to talk her issues out in an environment where she is neither explicitly encouraged, but neither condemned, so she can move toward a more tolerant and balanced view of porn.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Porn addiction is totally non-existent.

 

Well, I suppose that depends on your interpretation of what constitutes a "problem" or an 'addiction'.

 

Men are men and they are only following their natural urges.

 

And so was the guy who use to work for my boyfriend's company up until he got himself fired a couple of months ago for jerking off to porn at work. In a room full of dozens of people in close proximity to each other, I suppose he assumed no one could see him diddling with his junk under the table.

 

Now, we can argue that it wasn't the guy who had a "problem" with controlling his vices (he was just answering his manly urges) and therefore it shouldn't have had any effect whatsoever on his personal life and/or the quality of his professional performance … if it were not for the uptight, misguided perceptions of his fellow coworkers and employer.

[Outcast]

Porn addiction is totally non-existent

 

That's not true either. Brain scans have shown that some people get the same sort of brain response from using porn that addicts get from using other addictive substances.

 

The idea of an 'addictive personality' is maybe not yet considered completely valid by science but there certainly appear to be people who get hooked on all sorts of things - smoking, drinking, eating, gambling, etc etc (often combinations of two or three of these things) and other people who never do.

 

So if you're already someone who can't shake smokes or gambling or other bad habits, then maybe you should steer a wider path around porn than people who aren't prone to succumbing to such things.

[Toni_no12002]

Okay some women are insane! Porn addiction is totally non-existent. Calling it an addiction and going on these stupid websites are a way of her getting back at her for looking at women who she fears you find more attractive than her. That is it. Period. Most Women who don't like Porn dont because it is a threat to them. I am comfortable in my relationship so I couldnt care less. I can get the same satisfaction at checking out guys (mmn johnny depp!) as guys do at looking at naked women.

 

 

porn addiction does exist.Its when porn comes before anything else.You cant go with out it.

 

Inthemachine, get rid of the Internet and ASAP because your wife is out of control. Counselling is obvious but if this doesnt work getting you and your kids away from your wife is needed.

 

why is his wife out of control shes upset and so was i does that mean my boyfriend should run out with my kid no.

 

I actually think i was stupid for getting so upset about porn.I still get upset about it now but im dealing with it.She has a problem with trusting her husband and shes jelous and insecure.Shes needs her husband there for her.He needs to make her feel beautiful and most of all she needs to love herself.But this doesnt mean she is crazy!It annoys me when people says things like this because i have gone through the exact same thing.I mean read my posts!

 

 

That's not true either. Brain scans have shown that some people get the same sort of brain response from using porn that addicts get from using other addictive substances.

 

The idea of an 'addictive personality' is maybe not yet considered completely valid by science but there certainly appear to be people who get hooked on all sorts of things - smoking, drinking, eating, gambling, etc etc (often combinations of two or three of these things) and other people who never do.

 

So if you're already someone who can't shake smokes or gambling or other bad habits, then maybe you should steer a wider path around porn than people who aren't prone to succumbing to such things.

 

I actually agree with this I smoke and i probably could give it up but it would be really hard!I gave up before for a year and its the hardest thing ever!

 

Im not having a go about this but his wife is really hurt i think counselling would be a good option!

[InTheMachine]

Thank you all for your replies!

 

As per much of your advice, I decided to basically eliminate the Internet from our lives. For work reasons I couldn't just disconnect it, but I did sit down with my wife and share my thoughts that the Net was bad - for BOTH of us.

 

Even though I haven't looked at pornography in a long, long time, I told her that I understood her concerns -- and would just give up the Net altogether, even my favorite sports sites and boards.

 

In return, she promised to stop obsessing over her anti-porn boards. One of those links up there, it's called "Mothers Against Porn Addiction" I think, was the worst -- truly started to turn her into a hateful, bitter woman. I shared my worries with her, and she promised not to go there any more at all. In fact, she said she'd give up all her chat stuff if I did the same -- and she SPECIFICALLY promised never to go to that board again.

 

(For the reasons why, see my earlier posts. That place is horrible. Like angry 12 year olds who hate men).

 

So things were solved, right? I'd acknowledged her worries about porn and completely avoided the computer, and she'd stay away from that cult, right?

 

WRONG! The irony here is almost funny. I had to do a project from home last night and noticed in the address window that she'd been to that horrible man-hater site. I casually asked her later if she "missed her old online life."

 

She lied right to my face. Told me she didn't miss it at all, and was glad she hadn't been spending hours and hours a day gossiping with a bunch of hags and shrews. Her words, not mine.

 

But it was a lie. ALL a lie. I checked the history -- she spent NINE HOURS on that message board yesterday. NINE HOURS. If I'm right about her screen name, she did plenty of posting, too, there and at a couple other cult-ish psychobabble boards. All of this while I was at work on a football Sunday!!!

 

I'm so pissed I can't believe it.

 

And it's just SO ironic. It's ME that's supposed to be addicted, according to her. ME. But SHE'S lying about it, SHE'S spending nine fricking hours on the web getting brainwashed by her cult, SHE'S THE ONE ADDICTED. They all are. Go READ that site. They're all completely addicted to the Internet. It's so obvious!

 

So what the hell do I do now?

 

How can SHE do this --- when if I got caught at a porn site, I'd be the bad guy. Why does she get to break a promise? How is her addiction okay but mine evil? Especially when I WAS NEVER ADDICTED AND QUIT A YEAR AGO????

 

Sorry. I'm just freaked out, somewhere between crying and laughing. It would be funny if it wasn't me. I'm at work now, and I'll be money she's sitting at home, neglecting the kids, ranting on about how evil men are to a bunch of strangers.

 

Sigh. I dunno anymore. I hate computers.

[loudog]

in the machine...you have got problems...

 

once a women gets indoctronated into that "men haters" club it is hard to every get them back.

 

My buddies wife went to grad school...got into a "womyn's" group and that was it. All sex is rape...all men are rapists...all men care about is sex period...etc.

 

Within a year he was whipped down into a snivelling dog...and within another year she left him...

 

Screwed his head up for about 5 years but he got thru it with his buds...

 

Good News he's now engaged to a beautiful doctor and she has got her head screwed on right...takes great care of him and they have mutal respect...great sex too...and yes he can even still hang out with his friends etc. even go to strip joint on occassoin...she is not intimdated nor concerned.

 

Best of Luck...you need it boy!

 

Lou

[Toni_no12002]

Well you dont like her going on the internet with all of these man haters and she doesnt like you looking at porn.So why dont you come to an agreement.You dont look at porn on the net and she doesnt look at that site.If you really want the relationship to work you need to do something.Your wife is real the porn isnt so whats more important?Women are wired completley different to men.Women feel they have to compete with every woman to see whos the best looking etc.Do you make her feel special and loved.Maybe you should both going to see a marriage counsellor?

[lindya]

She lied right to my face. Told me she didn't miss it at all, and was glad she hadn't been spending hours and hours a day gossiping with a bunch of hags and shrews. Her words, not mine.

 

It sounds as if she's lying to herself, so lying to you is an inevitable consequence of that.

 

Porn has become such a huge part of our society that it's difficult not to have views about it. It's the literary equivalent of MacDonalds (fast stimulation and satisfaction of urges); these industries push their products relentlessly and globally to the extent that there seem to be a lot of people out there who are repelling themselves and their partners with their gluttonous consumption of porn and Big Macs. It's hard to see how that enhances 21st century living, and I think many people feel this on a spiritual level - but don't quite know how to articulate this to others.

 

Your wife doesn't like porn, but she doesn't know how to talk to you about that without sounding like some sort of uptight harridan. In any case, you've given up your porn habit..so you'd be entitled to tell her to drop the subject. Nonetheless the issue has become ingrained in her brain. She's gone off in search of other people to discuss this issue with, and found a willing audience in the form of this website where people are fuelling eachother's extremist views.

 

It sounds as if your wife has become so entrenched in, and addicted to, the thinking of this website that she's going to need some help in regaining her sense of proportion. Marriage counselling might be a step towards helping her to do that, and might help you both see how to identify and address the reasons for hostility building up between you.

[InTheMachine]

in the machine...you have got problems...

 

once a women gets indoctronated into that "men haters" club it is hard to every get them back.

 

My buddies wife went to grad school...got into a "womyn's" group and that was it. All sex is rape...all men are rapists...all men care about is sex period...etc.

 

Within a year he was whipped down into a snivelling dog...and within another year she left him...

 

Screwed his head up for about 5 years but he got thru it with his buds...

 

Good News he's now engaged to a beautiful doctor and she has got her head screwed on right...takes great care of him and they have mutal respect...great sex too...and yes he can even still hang out with his friends etc. even go to strip joint on occassoin...she is not intimdated nor concerned.

 

Best of Luck...you need it boy!

 

Lou

Thanks, Loudog. Yeah, its exactly "indoctrination" that I'm worried about. It's some scary stuff. It really is a cult, no kidding.

 

No body needs to take my word for it. Just go read.

 

That other board isn't much better - and the wife has started going to plenty of other ones.

 

But the problem is now solved - after a big blowup, we agreed to just ditch the Internet at home. It's going to suck for work stuff, but whatever. And she's started looking into counseling for "internet addiction."

 

Sigh. So now I wonder if she'll get involved with some freaky people all obsessed with "internet addiction." Does all this self-help craziness ever stop?

[InTheMachine]

It sounds as if she's lying to herself, so lying to you is an inevitable consequence of that.

 

Porn has become such a huge part of our society that it's difficult not to have views about it. It's the literary equivalent of MacDonalds (fast stimulation and satisfaction of urges); these industries push their products relentlessly and globally to the extent that there seem to be a lot of people out there who are repelling themselves and their partners with their gluttonous consumption of porn and Big Macs. It's hard to see how that enhances 21st century living, and I think many people feel this on a spiritual level - but don't quite know how to articulate this to others.

 

Your wife doesn't like porn, but she doesn't know how to talk to you about that without sounding like some sort of uptight harridan. In any case, you've given up your porn habit..so you'd be entitled to tell her to drop the subject. Nonetheless the issue has become ingrained in her brain. She's gone off in search of other people to discuss this issue with, and found a willing audience in the form of this website where people are fuelling eachother's extremist views.

 

It sounds as if your wife has become so entrenched in, and addicted to, the thinking of this website that she's going to need some help in regaining her sense of proportion. Marriage counselling might be a step towards helping her to do that, and might help you both see how to identify and address the reasons for hostility building up between you.

 

Thanks, Lindya! We're following all your suggestions. She's getting counseling from somebody who specializes in this "extremist" stuff (even worked with some cults I guess and people who survived them). We're both getting marriage counseling. Even taking the kids to a family counselor. I'm still worried about my son. That place really made my wife at least sound like she hated men, and repeating that to my son did some damage.

 

Best of all, we're getting rid of the Net, which will really limit all of the above problems. Thank God. I should have done that two months ago, but I chose convenience over doing the right thing.

 

ITs all sssoooo sad. I don't know which is worse. The guys looking at porn all day or the women ranting about it all day. I dont wanna part of either world.

 

Thanks for thehelp lyndya. Maybe Ill hop on here in a couple months and give ya an update. If not hope youll understand. Hard to type messages with no internet! yeah!

[EnigmaXOXO]

The thing is -- my wife is getting wierd because of it. She's angry all the time, and totally anti-male now. I'm especially worried because this man-hating thing is even showing up in how she treats our son, and she's started openly brainwashing our daughter.

 

This is probably one of the more IMPORTANT points you've already addressed which has somehow been overlooked by some readers, too.

 

Has that gotten any better recently?