What are the most important things for love to work?

[Pamela]

I have been getting into some heated disputes about love with this new older man I've only known for a short time and he asked me what I thought was the most important thing for love to work. I said COMMUNICATION and UNDERSTANDING while he said I was not quite right, that is was RESPECT because (according to him)if you are in a relationship with someone and you take their "love" for granted it means you loose respect for them and this is what kills love.

 

According to him I don't show enought respect for him because I am too "egocentric" but I think he is the one who is more egocentric because he's always worrying about what I will "do" for him because he thinks he's helping me alot by giving me "therapy" which I don't need (not his, at least!).

 

I told him it is insane, warped and unethical to be involved with your psychotherapist in a relationship because it is impossible for him to see me objectively and he's only known me for a short time. He disagreed and told me that he got to know me way faster than a regular therapist could ever do because he was with me 24-hours a day for a week.

 

I told him that I wanted to talk to him longer on the phone, but I couldn't afford it and didn't have a phone card handy and you know what he answered?

 

"This is probably the cheapest therapy you'll ever find."

 

I told him I could get it for free with our provincial medical plan and in any case, a therapist is supposed to listen to a person and not tell them that they talk in too much detail (he told me that I talk in superfluous detail which is not necessary, but I am NOT the type of person that just 'get's to the point' fast because I like to analyse all the details)

 

Sorry to ramble on like this here, but I had to get this off my chest!

 

Is this very common for a person to try to be a 'therapist' to their partener in a love relationship?

 

He told me that when you buy a house, the house sometimes needs renovation or "fixing up". This horrified me and I told him I wasn't an object that had to be repaired. Either he accept me the way I am without trying to impose his therapy on me or let it go. I don't need this! I have enough other problems to worry about right now.

[sparkle]

I agree with him that respect is one of the most important things in a relationship. Without respect for a person, you really have no desire to communicate clearly, calmly and respectfully with them nor do you even care to understand them. But communication and understanding (as well as trust) are also very important as well.

 

Why are you wasting your time and money talking to a therapist that you don't get along with? If I don't like someone, I just don't call them anymore. Period.

[midori]

Hmm. Your new man says that respect is the most important thing to have in a relationship. Is he showing respect for you, by viewing you as a fixer-up project that needs his "therapeutic" touch? Eewww ...

 

And if that weren't insulting enough, to wonder what you were going to give him in return for his "services"? Oh dear ...

 

I mean, yes, in a loving, trusting relationship partners shoud turn to each other and try to assist each other with their hang-ups, etc. BUT it can only be productive and constructive if it is a process both are willingly engaged in -- i.e. the "helper" isn't feeling dumped on and the "helpee" isn't feeling judged or condescended to. And it ought to be a two-way street.

 

Would this guy be willing to listen to your takes on him and his eccentricities? Is he eager for you to start "renovating" his personality?

 

Your posting doesn't really say what you're getting out of your association with this fellow. Whatever it is, I guess you need to decide whether or not it's worth tolerating his boorish, disrespectful attitude toward you.

 

Good luck

[Laurynn]

Pamela,

 

Come on girl, you deserve a better man than this assh*le. You've posted more negative things about him here than positive and that's not putting you down, I'm just saying that it's obvious this guy doesn't have many positive qualities.

 

He's arrogant, controlling, condescending, insensitive, smug, EGOCENTRIC, selfish, manipulative, disrespectful. Good God, you've known him for such a little period of time, only spent ONE WEEK together and he's already being such a horse's ass? You need this guy like you need a hole in the head.

 

Who the hell does he think he is? It's obvious that he thinks he's better than you, that you're some twit in need of therapy (we ALL have issues to deal with). Things in the beginning of a relationship should be smooth..this is not the case with you and Gramps.

 

And so what, you have different opinions about what's important in a relationship. There's no RIGHT or WRONG answer as to what a person thinks in this regard.....cripes, we don't all think the same.

 

Why are you putting up with this crap? He's not the only man out there (thank God). How exactly did you meet him anyway?..I know you said you both talked on the phone..but did you first meet online in a chat room or something? Or through online personal ads? I'd be curious to know how this guy 'operates'/how he meets women (how he met you).

 

He sounds like a condescending pr*ck.

 

You've already had too many arguments and disagreements. You are both on completely different wavelengths. I see him, based on what you've written, as a real antagonist..always trying to get you going, set you off, upset you. Do you really need someone like that? Of course you don't.

 

I'm 34 and I tell you from experience, when a relationship starts off rocky like yours is, it NEVER EVER gets better with time...it always ends up getting worse.

 

This guy sounds to me like the type of man who preys on women who are insecure/have some issues to deal with. He sounds like the kind of guy who comes across initially as a 'savior'..then over a period of time, he uses verbal and emotional abuse to keep the woman in line......keeping her needing him even more.

 

Honest to God, break it off with this guy.....mark my words, it will not ever get better....all he'll do is continue to hurt you, irritate you, erode your self esteem, cause you lots of turmoil and stress.

 

Laurynn

[booshe]

I agree with him that respect is one of the most important things in a relationship. Without respect for a person, you really have no desire to communicate clearly, calmly and respectfully with them nor do you even care to understand them. But communication and understanding (as well as trust) are also very important as well. Why are you wasting your time and money talking to a therapist that you don't get along with? If I don't like someone, I just don't call them anymore. Period. Well my husband said that communication was the key to love. But I said that Love dosen't work unless you have Christ and compromise with each other. If the relationship calls for us to go left but he's going right and I'm going to the side IT WON'T WORK.