Age Gaps - HELP

[I20He30]

Here's the deal. I'm 20. He's 30. Our relationship appears to be budding along with no problems. We are happy.

 

But I have a mother that is just dead set against the relationship. I live at home, so she is in my face all the time expressing her disaproval.

 

1.) I feel as though I'm an adult and I should be able to make my own decisions concerning my life. But my mother (and my brother) feel that I'm too young to decide to date a 30 year old man. Mind you my mom has known this man for some time now before I started dating him. She knows he's a nice guy not out to hurt me. I feel as though my family is trying to deprive me of my right to make my own decisions, even if my decisions turn out to be mistakes.

 

2.) Me and him, we just work. I'm mature enough to know if someone is pulling the wool over me and I really believe that he is not trying to take advantage of me or manipulate me. I guess the issue is does anyone have an opinions on how I should carry this? All I want is the opportunity to pursue this relationship as if it were any other relationship with someone my age. But my mom will hear of none of this. She fusses all the time when she sees me on the phone with him or when I'm going out with him. Her friendship with him is deteriorating because of her contempt. I don't know if her objection is sincerely based onthe age difference or if there is more to it. I'm her only daughter and her only child still living at home (my brother is 8 years older and has been gone for some time now). She has had numerous failed relationships and I sense a distrust of males in general. I can never be sure if any of this is affecting her feelings. All I know is it is damn hard to live in a house with a parent that acts one way today and another way tomorrow. Some days she is fussing about me spending time with him, other days she's inviting him over to dinner. Any body with any comments? Suggestiongs? Anything?

[Tony T]

Well, before I get technical I think a 30 year old woman is far enough along in life she can make decisions for herself. If you wanted to take up with a toad, that would be very much your business. It's too bad your mother has to butt in to your personal affairs.

 

I can well understand her position and I would take the same if you asked me. A 20-year-old man is emotionally in the 15-20 year old emotional range while a 30 year old woman is normally in the 27-36 year old emotional range of maturity.

 

While you may be smitten by this young man right now, there will surely be problems later. Now, when he's forty and you're fifty, it might be a little more easy to work with. But enjoy yourself now and be prepared for surprises from this guy. It's not that he isn't a nice guy, it's not that he's bad...not that at all. He's just way too young in many ways for you and when the dust settles, you'll see that. When you graduated from high school, he was in the SECOND grade.

 

Your life experiences are vastly different. Your knowledge and maturity is vastly different. If you delve into his family background, you may discover he is looking for a mother figure to get the kind of mothering he did not get in his own family.

 

But since you didn't ask me, I won't take up with your mother...who I still feel should not give unsolicited information.

 

Technically, from a psychological standpoint, many people are always attracted to those much younger than they are. Very often, this is due to dysfunction and loss in their family of origin. Usually, there was a loss or abandonment of a parent or other significant adult at a very early age so the person freezes emotionally at the approximate age of that loss. As that person ages, they seem to attracted to people of that emotional age range (the time of loss) as a way of remaining in that place.

 

Very well there was trauma in your family when you were young and parts of you are frozen in time. This is a textbook case and likely the reason you would go for a much younger guy. There's nothing wrong with that but it could indicate a need for therapy to help you spring from that place and continue your socialization and growth process internally.

 

People in that situation normally have gobs of repressed anger and suffer from low to mid grade depression. Only you would know that.

 

I wish you luck with your guy. I want you to be happy. But you must be warned the odds of this being a keeper are there but not good at all. If you get all wrapped up in this guy, you could easilly be abandoned again which is precisely what people with abandonment issues often set up for themselves.

 

Absent not being able to talk to you, I am merely speculating here and you can take what you feel may apply to you and ignore the rest.

 

My feeling is you are only wanting some validation of your present feelings and I don't think I'm the guy for that.

[I20He30]

You have it backwards. I'm 20 (the female) and he is 30 (the male).

[Chaka]

Here's the deal. I'm 20. He's 30. Our relationship appears to be budding along with no problems. We are happy. But I have a mother that is just dead set against the relationship. I live at home, so she is in my face all the time expressing her disaproval.

 

1.) I feel as though I'm an adult and I should be able to make my own decisions concerning my life. But my mother (and my brother) feel that I'm too young to decide to date a 30 year old man. Mind you my mom has known this man for some time now before I started dating him. She knows he's a nice guy not out to hurt me. I feel as though my family is trying to deprive me of my right to make my own decisions, even if my decisions turn out to be mistakes.

Take this is as you will...you are never truly an adult until you are fully independent of mom and dad. Your family probably wants to see this independence for you, and thinks by starting a relationship with this man you will jump directly from dependence on your mother to dependence on an older "father figure". even though he is not technically old enough to be your father, a man at 30 has a whole differnet agenda than a man at 20. Meaning he's probaly ready to settle down soon, get married and have kids. Are you ready for that? I question it, because you have not had the opportunity to try to see if you can make it in life on your own. I have a friend who got married at 20 right out of her parents home, and is now divorced at 27. I'm not saying some people can't get married out of their parnets home, but wouldn't you want to see what it's like first...to be dependent on only you?

2.) Me and him, we just work. I'm mature enough to know if someone is pulling the wool over me and I really believe that he is not trying to take advantage of me or manipulate me. I guess the issue is does anyone have an opinions on how I should carry this? All I want is the opportunity to pursue this relationship as if it were any other relationship with someone my age. But my mom will hear of none of this. She fusses all the time when she sees me on the phone with him or when I'm going out with him. Her friendship with him is deteriorating because of her contempt. I don't know if her objection is sincerely based onthe age difference or if there is more to it. I'm her only daughter and her only child still living at home (my brother is 8 years older and has been gone for some time now). She has had numerous failed relationships and I sense a distrust of males in general. I can never be sure if any of this is affecting her feelings. All I know is it is damn hard to live in a house with a parent that acts one way today and another way tomorrow. Some days she is fussing about me spending time with him, other days she's inviting him over to dinner. Any body with any comments? Suggestiongs? Anything?

Hmmmm... First of all, you can still be mature and have the wool pulled over your eyes. This doesn't mean that he is...just be aware that when in a relationaship your defenses drop and youre succeptible to anything. Secondly, I have some questions about your mother. How does she know this guy? Could she even have possible secret feelings for him and is jealous? Or maybe it is that she distrusts men and is wondering what a 30 year old man wants out of a 20 year old. To feel younger again? To sow some wild oats before moving onto a relationship with more potential for committment? I'm not saying this can't work. But it will be very tough to do while still living in your mother's house. Get out on your own if you can. If you can't I think it could still work...but be prepared that if this relationship develops, you may be jumping from living with your mother to living with your 30 year old boyfriend before you even gave yourself a chance. Good Luck!

[Tony T]

I see no problem whatsoever with the arrangement. Why do you?

[I20He30]

I see no problem whatsoever with the arrangement. Why do you?

I don't see a problem with our relationship. I guess I'm just looking for some help on how to handle this situation since I am still living at home. It hurts me so much to have my mom always fussing at me and being so hurt by my actions. She says a lot of things I know she doesn't mean. And its just tough. Looking for some advice, help, so that I can make a decision. I feel like I should end a perfectly good relationship just to make her happy.

[Buckeyegal]

Why the double standard Tony? You seemed to think that there were a great deal of potential problems, misguided motives etc, you had so much more to say when you thought the gender ages were reversed. But now that the relationships involves the man being 10 yrs older, there's no problem with the arrangement...doesn't make sense to me.

 

Why is society so much more accepting of older men, younger women relationships than the other way around?

I see no problem whatsoever with the arrangement. Why do you?

[Tony T]

No, I just put a lot of energy into answering the first post and had it all wrong. I have to get into the mood to answer it again. Sorry. I have no double standard. I am just tired.

[Tony T]

And, by the way, if you read my post you would have had your question about older men, younger women explained. Since women mature emotionally at a much faster rate and sometimes men don't do so at all, it's much easier to find an older man who might be the emotional equal of a younger woman.

 

It's not so easy to find a younger man who is the emotional equal of an older woman. The older woman is likely to be light years ahead in that aspect of development. In the passionate stages early on, it is not likely that either party will see these differences. But they always shine through sooner or later.

 

I'll write more later. Would you have gone into this more than you did. It might have saved me coming back.

 

Cheers.

[Buckeyegal]

I really don't buy that as the reason why society is more accepting of an older man/younger woman relationship. I think it's more superficial than that...I'm sure they're not thinking, "Good for her, she's found someone who is an emotionally mature equal", more likely they're thinking, at least the guys, "Wow, he's got himself a young hot chick, what a guy!", while some women are thinking "Smart girl, she's found a sugar daddy to take care of her." Don't get me wrong, I don't think these are valid reasons to be in a relationship, but much of society seems to accept these as valid reasons.

 

I myself, have been in relationships with younger guys, as well as with guys my age or a little older, and I can tell you that 20something guys I've dated have usually been more mature than the 30somethings I've been with, including my exhusband. I've found that I prefer younger guys for the fact that they're less set in their ways, they don't try to dominate the relationship like many older guys do...they're more willing to treat the relationship as equal partners. Also alot of younger men prefer older women for the very same reason that you stated...they don't necessarily want a 21 yr old bubblebrain. They want someone emotionally mature, independent and self-assured.

 

Actually my question as to why these type of relationships are not as accepted was rhetorical, I didn't really expect you to answer it. I just find it rather hypocritical of society to judge and say that one is better than the other...if a couple is happy together, than an age gap of 10 years either way shouldn't be that big of a deal. Now, when the gap starts to get to 20 or more years, I think it does make it much harder to have a successful relationship, no matter if it's the male or female who is older. But again, society doesn't think too much about it when it's Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones. Yet when poor Cher was with her bagel boy, she was ridiculed all over the tabloids. Just doesn't seem right...

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "Just doesn't seem right."

 

Life just isn't always fair. I'll see what I can do...as soon as I get some rest.

[I20He30]

Take this is as you will...you are never truly an adult until you are fully independent of mom and dad.

Agreed. I just feel like I should be able to make a decision and as a parent, even if she doesn't like my decision, she should let me make it because its mine to make. If its a mistake, let me find that out for myself. She can't protect me from life's experiences. But I understand its not that easy for a parent to let go...

Even though he is not technically old enough to be your father, a man at 30 has a whole differnet agenda than a man at 20. Meaning he's probaly ready to settle down soon, get married and have kids. Are you ready for that?

I won't say he's not ready to settle down and have kids. He's more like, "when the time is right, that will happen for me." Before me and him even started dating, we would talk about stuff like that, why he wasn't married, etc. His reply was always, "when the right one comes along, I'll know and we'll do it at the right time." He's a patient guy, much more patience then me so what I understand is that he's not trying to rush something that important. Let it happen on its own time. Plus, this guy is still not on his own...lol. He lives at home too, LOL.

I'm not saying some people can't get married out of their parnets home, but wouldn't you want to see what it's like first...to be dependent on only you?

Sure would like to see this. At this point, I don't feel dependent on him nor do I want to be dependent on him. I told him from the start that it is very important to me to feel like I'm my own person, making it on my own and putting 50/50 into the relationship. All I can go on is his reply and his actions and so far, he respects my need to be independent. Nobody is jumping into the flame, living together, etc. Its more like I do my thing, he does his, and then we do our thing together.

Hmmmm... First of all, you can still be mature and have the wool pulled over your eyes.

Agreed.

Secondly, I have some questions about your mother. How does she know this guy?

Without going into it all, I'm a bowler and a youth volunteer. He also volunteers, as does my mom. All the staff started having lunch/dinner after events. Then he started helping me with my bowling (practice sessions which my mom would be a part of and we would dine together afterward). Then me and him started hanging out, etc. Basically me, him, and my mom got along well so its like I became friends with him right along with her. Then me and him started doing stuff together more and more.

Could she even have possible feelings for him and is jealous?

 

I don't think she has feelings for him, but hey you never know.

Or maybe she distrusts men and is wondering what a 30 year old man wants out of a 20 year old.

She often says what does he want out of someone my age, although her version is "he wants to have a young virgin."

 

"Why does he still live at home, have no girlfriend, then want to be messing with you?" I can't really answer the question though. He lives at home because it is convenient. He has had/has girlfriends, just didn't work out. And to the last, well why does anyone start to have feelings for someone else? Guess in her older, bitter years, she forgot what its like to care about someone...

[melody]

You have it backwards. I'm 20 (the female) and he is 30 (the male).

you might want to think about what needs the age difference serves for both of you. women tend to mature at different rates than men. also men often choose younger woman. my situation is different then yours in that i am an older woman who has younger men who take interest. in some ways you might want to think about if you are looking for a father image or he a daughter image. younger men might be looking for a mother image. but to really know only the person could tell you and you him what is really happening between you. it all comes down to what each of you want and what makes you interested in each other to begin with

[I20He30]

in some ways you might want to think about if you are looking for a father image or he a daughter image.

My mom hollers everyday that I am looking for a father image, since I didn't have a father or male figure in my life ever.

 

I wonder how I would be able to tell if that is whats going on. I am attracted to him because we like to do the same things, he's got a great sense of humor, an admirable perspective on life, we have a great time together, and he's about something good. He's got a good job and I feel like he's going somewhere with his life. Basically we just have a good time together. How would I tell if I'm looking at him as a father figure?

[Tony T]

I think you asked this same question way up top. The answer won't be any different way down here.

 

There is no evidence that you are seeing him as a father figure if you have lots of fun and get along real well. Don't conern yourself about this.

[IAm20HeIs30]

I think you asked this same question way up top. The answer won't be any different way down here.

Sorry bout that, after i posted this message I thought maybe it was better suited to ask as its own thread instead of a continuation of the one before. Wasn't looking for a different answer or anything.

 

Thanks for the help.