littlelily Posted December 7, 2005 Share Posted December 7, 2005 I met this guy AND his girlfriend at a party. I assumed he was in love with his girlfriend so I did not give him a second thought. But he emailed and called me afterwards for long talks. He asked me out and we hung out four times afterwards. We completely clicked. At first I did not think of him as more than a new friend, but he dropped lots of hints that he liked me. Slowly I started to like him back. The third time we hung out, he confessed that he had a crush on me, but although he did not love his girlfriend, he was comfortable in his relationship and was not sure he wanted to break it off right away. I responded, "It's ok, we can take our time to know each other better before you decide what to do." The forth time we hung out, he initiated some majorly intimate contact, and I liked him too much to resist. I was afraid my failure to resist would ruin his respect for me, but so far he is still interested in continuing to get to know me and hang out. My Questions: 1. Did I say the wrong thing in response to his confession that he has feelings for me? 2. What is the smart thing to do now? He is still asking me out and contacting me a lot. I want to keep hanging out with him, but I am of being disappointed when he does not turn me into his girlfriend. I don't want to turn into a "mistress". Thank you for reading my questions. Link to post Share on other sites
curiousnycgirl Posted December 7, 2005 Share Posted December 7, 2005 Tell him you like him and really enjoy hanging out with him - so much so that you would like to hang out with him in the future. However he needs to decide if it's you or her, he cannot have both. Wish him luck with his decision and get on with your life. If you're still available when he calls - GREAT, if not then you'll be happy already with someone else. At the moment this guy seems to want his cake and to eat it too. He's not being fair to you or to his g/f. Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted December 7, 2005 Share Posted December 7, 2005 What she said Link to post Share on other sites
Author littlelily Posted December 7, 2005 Author Share Posted December 7, 2005 Thanks for your thoughts, curiousnygirl and crazy_grl. I really appreciate it. I just hope when I give him the ultimatum it won't make me sound desperate, like I think about him a lot. I am afraid he really may need to know me better before he can decide to leave his girlfriend. If I just cut off all contact with him, will it rob him of the chance to make an informed decision? I have never liked anyone like I like him, even as just a friend. It saddens me to think I can't talk to him again ever. Do you think it is possible to keep seeing him but keep our relationship purely platonic? Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted December 7, 2005 Share Posted December 7, 2005 I just hope when I give him the ultimatum it won't make me sound desperate, like I think about him a lot. Telling him that you won't let him date you on the side is the exact opposite of desperate. I don't see why he'd take that to mean you think about him a lot. Just that you respect yourself and believe you have the right to a full relationship. It's all in the way you phrase it. Don't phrase it like an ultimatum ("You have to choose her or me.") but as a statement about how things are. Say something like, "I really like hanging out with you, but we have to stop seeing each other. It's not something I want to do, but I don't date men who are already in a relationship, and we've already crossed the line of friendship, so it's too late to go back. If you find yourself single in the future, you're more than welcome to give me a call." It might take him awhile to work up the nerve to break up with his gf or he might not break up with her at all. But it's better to know sooner than to stick around and fall for him only to find it out later. I am afraid he really may need to know me better before he can decide to leave his girlfriend. If I just cut off all contact with him, will it rob him of the chance to make an informed decision? That realize how that seems logical, but it doesn't work that way. If you let someone carry on with you without having to make a choice, they won't make it and they'll lose respect for you. (As an example, MM very rarely leave the W for the OW.) Do you think it is possible to keep seeing him but keep our relationship purely platonic? Do you think it's possible? Do you think you can do that? Do you have the willpower for that? Most people don't. You already indicated he initiated 'intimate contact' that you couldn't resist because you liked him so much... As a side note, this guy might not be someone you want to date anyway, because if he's willing to mess around on his current gf, it doesn't say much about his character, and it shows that he's likely to do it to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author littlelily Posted December 7, 2005 Author Share Posted December 7, 2005 Crazy_grl, thanks for taking the time to reply with so much wisdom. I have zero dating experience, so I really really appreciate your help, and for telling me what I need to hear, even though it will difficult to do the right thing. Again thank you very very much. Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted December 7, 2005 Share Posted December 7, 2005 No problem. Hope it works out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted December 7, 2005 Share Posted December 7, 2005 I kind of agree with the advice given so far - you should definitely be strong and clear about not being his woman on the side. But actually, I'd avoid him completely. On the evidence we have so far, he sounds like a bastard, a wuss or both. He picks up girls under the nose of his gf, for crying out loud. Who's to say he won't play this mean trick on you one day? Link to post Share on other sites
Author littlelily Posted December 7, 2005 Author Share Posted December 7, 2005 ReluctantRomeo, thank you for your comments. Is he really a bastard? I have more crazy ideas, please criticize them! I've always thought that as long as a person is not married, he is free to choose who to be with. Just because he has a girlfriend does not mean he can't change his mind or look for a better match for him. Is he supposed to be loyal to this girl forever? Maybe he just needs to know for sure there is a more compatible girl for him out there before he can leave his girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted December 7, 2005 Share Posted December 7, 2005 I sense a 3some coming... Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted December 7, 2005 Share Posted December 7, 2005 ReluctantRomeo, thank you for your comments. Is he really a bastard? I have more crazy ideas, please criticize them! My pleasure. Thanks for being so open. I take your point about the girlfriend/married distinction. You're right - this isn't as serious as cheating in a marriage. But girlfriend is still a commitment. If he doesn't do well with smaller commitments, how will he manage the bigger ones? I said the bastard thing because I suspect - whatever he says - that his gf would be very upset if she knew. Where is his empathy? And if he treats one gf like this, he can treat another the same. Link to post Share on other sites
Author littlelily Posted December 7, 2005 Author Share Posted December 7, 2005 ReluctantRomeo, yes, I agree his gf would be upset. So what is the proper way for him to act? Should he first leave his gf then go after the unknown? Then he could lose everything when he finds out the new gf isn't right for him. (I did not make this up, this is what my dad answered when I asked him what to do. He said it's only fair I give him a chance to get to know me so he can decide.) But of course I agree with you wise people that it also isn't fair for him to string two girls along. I am just too inexperienced in this area. Again please feel free to criticize. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted December 7, 2005 Share Posted December 7, 2005 ReluctantRomeo, yes, I agree his gf would be upset. So what is the proper way for him to act? Should he first leave his gf then go after the unknown? Then he could lose everything when he finds out the new gf isn't right for him. Because it's not all about him. Anyone who starts from this principle is not good relationship material IMHO. What about - as you rightly put it - the 2 girls he is stringing along? Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted December 7, 2005 Share Posted December 7, 2005 RR is right. Someone who is good relationship material will have the confidence and integrity to be without a relationship over using someone else for the sake of not being alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Nur Posted December 7, 2005 Share Posted December 7, 2005 You're correct that, until you're married, you have the perfect right to keep looking for better matches. That's what dating is all about -- determining what to look for in The One. However, as soon as he realizes that he has no feelings for the girl he's with, and is developing feelings for someone else, he has the absolute responsibility to make a decision. No decent guy is going to keep his girlfriend while getting intimate with someone else unless 1.) he doesn't have the courage to break up with his girlfriend or 2.) he is without morals (doesn't have a problem with being unfaithful). I would take it as some major warning signs that he's still with this girl, and "making moves" on you. This phase of in-between might be acceptable for a few days, so that he can find a chance to break it off with his girlfriend, but definitely no longer, and during those few days he should not be "initiating majorly intimate contact" with you, as you say. The fact that he said he doesn't love his girlfriend but "feels comfortable" in the relationship also makes me wary. Why is he with someone he doesn't love? How could being with someone you don't love be "comfortable?" Doesn't sit right with me at all. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted December 7, 2005 Share Posted December 7, 2005 I agree with the rest of the posters, Lilly. It's called "Monkey Behavior." …when someone has to make sure they have a firm grasp on the next branch before they're willing to let go of the one they're on. NOT a good sign, at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Wintersbloom Posted December 7, 2005 Share Posted December 7, 2005 Little Lilly~ I honestly feel for you in your situation. This man has encouraged a relationship with you, all along he has been involved with another. This is disrespectful to both of the woman in his life. If he leaves this woman, you may experience this situation from her end. If I am made aware a man is involved with someone else, I ditch him. He doesn't deserve me, the woman his is with, and there is something missing inside of him...something he can not fix by moving from woman to woman. You desearve a complete partner, able to comit to mutually exclusive relationship..we all do. Peace Always Link to post Share on other sites
Author littlelily Posted December 8, 2005 Author Share Posted December 8, 2005 Thank you Nur, Enigma and Wintersbloom and everyone, I really appreciate your advice and will read over what you wrote a few times and really consider everything you said. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts