2 months of dating. Little hiccup. How to proceed?

[FobaBett]

Hi all! I’ve been dating this girl whom I met in person for 2 months now (10 dates in). Lots of chemistry, very attentive in person. Rarely ever flake. I did bring up the communication issue (I’m not a big texter either but she’s worse) about one month in, and she has shown improvement. Her texts has since been more frequent and flirty.

We spent our valentines together and ever since then, we started becoming more physically intimate (though, we haven’t had sex yet), including kissing and hand-holding on dates, lots of PDA. At this point, she had communicated with me that she wants to take things slow because she doesn’t want to dive in head first this time, but would still love to get to know me more. I did ask her if she’s been seeing or sleeping with anyone else. She said no. She told me my only competitor is herself since she’s at peace with being single before we met.

On our last date, as we were walking back to her place, we had a small argument because she had thought about cancelling the date due to her weekend plans with friends. I got a bit upset because I didn’t feel like prioritized. She said she wanted to follow through because she still wanted to see me. The night ended on a good note and we made out before we parted ways.

Over that weekend, I didn’t hear from her at all. She didn’t return my phone call either. I didn’t want to pester her so I texted her the following Monday and asked if she still wants to hang out on Wednesday. She replied later the day that she picked up some extra shifts for work and won’t be able to meet all week. I then said no worries, just text/call me when she’s available.

I sensed that she may need some space, so I didn’t contact her for about a week and a half. She is now on vacation in another country for two weeks. The night before she left, I texted her saying have a good trip and enjoy your time. She replied next day telling me that she’s been very busy in the past two weeks and just got a chance to sit down on the plane and text me back. She asked me how I’m doing. I just told her to enjoy her trip and we will catch up when she comes back. 

I do believe she likes me and is into me physically (she told me that she finds me sexy). I want to say she maybe an avoidant though. So what do you guys think my next move should be? Thank you! 

 

Edited March 10 by FobaBett

[Wiseman2]

Too much too soon. Texting is Not dating. Try to see each other in person and build some rapport through dates.  Are you exclusive? Perhaps she is reluctant to invite you in for sex until your relationship is a bit more defined and solid. 

[FobaBett]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Too much too soon. Texting is Not dating. Try to see each other in person and build some rapport through dates.  Are you exclusive? Perhaps she is reluctant to invite you in for sex until your relationship is a bit more defined and solid. 

Hi thanks for your input. We are exclusive in practice but not agreed upon. I don’t mind waiting for sex though. We were going to hang out at my place on our 11th date but then she got busy so… 

Little side note, after the fight, she agreed that perhaps we should spend more quality time together instead of just going on causal dates.

Should I just text her when she gets back? Or should I give us more time?

 

Edited March 10 by FobaBett

[d0nnivain]

It seems like she's pulling back.  You are spending more time apart then together.  

See if she contacts you while she's away.  If not, this isn't looking good.  If you haven't heard from her 2 days after she is back reach out.  Tell her you hope she had a nice trip & you would love to hear all about it.  See what she does.  If she's not rushing to see you,  this will have faded out for her.  

[FobaBett]

42 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

It seems like she's pulling back.  You are spending more time apart then together.  

See if she contacts you while she's away.  If not, this isn't looking good.  If you haven't heard from her 2 days after she is back reach out.  Tell her you hope she had a nice trip & you would love to hear all about it.  See what she does.  If she's not rushing to see you,  this will have faded out for her.  

We’ve only been apart for two weeks but we’ve been dating for two months now. But I do feel like she’s pulling back as well, which is kind of strange because we agreed on working things out together the last time we saw one another. And she still texted me good night when she got home. Why the sudden change?

Though, I think I handled this situation fairly well. I believe she would reply to my text if I reached out to her when she gets back. Now whether she wants to go out with me that’s another story. I will give her the benefit of the doubt for manifesting some avoidant behavior (unconfirmed). 

Edited March 10 by FobaBett

[ShyViolet]

It sounds very much like she's pulling away and she's not sure about this relationship.  No one is too busy to reply to a text for two weeks.  I would give her some space and don't contact her again until she is back from her trip.  If she still seems like she's being distant and not reciprocating your energy, then don't chase her.  

[GypsyArcher]

Yikes. 

First off, it sounds very controlling to tell her that she needs to text you more. 

Secondly, getting mad at her because she wanted to hang out with her friends is absolutely scary behavior on your part.

I don't think you see that, however.

She shouldn't have to put you above friends that she's likely known for a long time and is much closer to than she is you. 

You definitely scared her off and at this point you need to let it go. 

[FobaBett]

45 minutes ago, GypsyArcher said:

Yikes. 

First off, it sounds very controlling to tell her that she needs to text you more. 

Secondly, getting mad at her because she wanted to hang out with her friends is absolutely scary behavior on your part.

I don't think you see that, however.

She shouldn't have to put you above friends that she's likely known for a long time and is much closer to than she is you. 

You definitely scared her off and at this point you need to let it go. 

Hey thanks for your reply! Everytime I mentioned my needs I didn’t come off scolding her though. I didn’t really tell her that she should text me more, but more like about her forgetting to text me back (that’s the reason she gave me). She did change though, never missed my texts again.

As for our “fight”, I admitted that I was a bit tipsy and was a bit hot headed. But we did eventually agree that we have been going on casual dates for a while and should start spending more quality time together. The night ended on a good note for sure. I do agree that she’s pulling back, so I decided to give her space. 

Edited March 10 by FobaBett

[FobaBett]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

It sounds very much like she's pulling away and she's not sure about this relationship.  No one is too busy to reply to a text for two weeks.  I would give her some space and don't contact her again until she is back from her trip.  If she still seems like she's being distant and not reciprocating your energy, then don't chase her.  

She did reply to all my texts after telling me that she’s busy, although the tonality kind of changed. I didn’t call her out or anything although I think it’s a bit disrespectful for not letting me know until I asked. Though, I sensed that she maybe pulling away so I just calmly ended the conversation with a closed ended answer (that she can reach out when she’s ready).

When I texted her again before her trip to Europe, she also replied to me but this time her tonality was a lot more relaxed and asked how I’ve been doing. I didn’t want to quickly engage into a conversation with her just yet so I just told her to enjoy her trip and we will catch up when she comes back. 

Edited March 10 by FobaBett

[ExpatInItaly]

She is definitely pulling back now.

My guess is that she is realizing that she is just not as into this as you are, and hasn't yet summoned up the courage to be honest with you about it. When you've only been dating a couple months and you're already arguing over not spending enough time together or not communicating enough, well, it doesn't look too good. There is an incompatibility here. You shouldn't really need to be "working on" things so early on. 

What you're assuming is avoidant behaviour is probably just plain old lack of strong interest. 

13 hours ago, FobaBett said:

She replied next day telling me that she’s been very busy in the past two weeks and just got a chance to sit down on the plane and text me back.

Yeah, right. OP, does that really make sense to you? She didn't have  one free moment in 2 whole weeks to get in touch? Nonsense. She would have been in touch if she were genuinely interested in keeping this alive. 

I don't mean to be insensitive, but this woman is just not that into you, man. 

[FobaBett]

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She is definitely pulling back now.

My guess is that she is realizing that she is just not as into this as you are, and hasn't yet summoned up the courage to be honest with you about it. When you've only been dating a couple months and you're already arguing over not spending enough time together or not communicating enough, well, it doesn't look too good. There is an incompatibility here. You shouldn't really need to be "working on" things so early on. 

What you're assuming is avoidant behaviour is probably just plain old lack of strong interest. 

Yeah, right. OP, does that really make sense to you? She didn't have  one free moment in 2 whole weeks to get in touch? Nonsense. She would have been in touch if she were genuinely interested in keeping this alive. 

I don't mean to be insensitive, but this woman is just not that into you, man. 

No worries man. Thanks for speaking up. I mean it could be the case. But it’s rather strange that she wasn’t into me to begin with. Throughout our time together, she had always been telling me that she finds me cool/sexy looking. I know she admires me for what I do for work and what I did in the past. Didn’t hesitate to verbalize it.

She planned dates and paid for stuff. Like the last time we hung out she planned everything and even bought me a cheesecake (to celebrate me passing an exam for a job) with her handwritten message on top. She even bought me some favorite food and drink I never tried last time she visited her parents (which I never got a chance to grab). There were small gifts here and there as well. I mean I planned and paid for most of our dates but she did contribute. I don’t think she would have done all that if she wasn’t into me.

As for the two weeks of absence (it was actually a week and some change). I believe she was actually busy (because of the nature of her job). She did fall off the face of the earth for a week since she didn’t even come online on social or WhatsApp. I did tell her to text me when shes available. I mean it’s a dead end statement so I suppose she just follow through with it? I know I maybe giving her a lot of excuses but I am just baffled. 

Edited March 11 by FobaBett

[FredEire]

21 hours ago, FobaBett said:

Hi all! I’ve been dating this girl whom I met in person for 2 months now (10 dates in). Lots of chemistry, very attentive in person. Rarely ever flake. I did bring up the communication issue (I’m not a big texter either but she’s worse) about one month in, and she has shown improvement. Her texts has since been more frequent and flirty.

We spent our valentines together and ever since then, we started becoming more physically intimate (though, we haven’t had sex yet), including kissing and hand-holding on dates, lots of PDA. At this point, she had communicated with me that she wants to take things slow because she doesn’t want to dive in head first this time, but would still love to get to know me more. I did ask her if she’s been seeing or sleeping with anyone else. She said no. She told me my only competitor is herself since she’s at peace with being single before we met.

On our last date, as we were walking back to her place, we had a small argument because she had thought about cancelling the date due to her weekend plans with friends. I got a bit upset because I didn’t feel like prioritized. She said she wanted to follow through because she still wanted to see me. The night ended on a good note and we made out before we parted ways.

Over that weekend, I didn’t hear from her at all. She didn’t return my phone call either. I didn’t want to pester her so I texted her the following Monday and asked if she still wants to hang out on Wednesday. She replied later the day that she picked up some extra shifts for work and won’t be able to meet all week. I then said no worries, just text/call me when she’s available.

I sensed that she may need some space, so I didn’t contact her for about a week and a half. She is now on vacation in another country for two weeks. The night before she left, I texted her saying have a good trip and enjoy your time. She replied next day telling me that she’s been very busy in the past two weeks and just got a chance to sit down on the plane and text me back. She asked me how I’m doing. I just told her to enjoy her trip and we will catch up when she comes back. 

I do believe she likes me and is into me physically (she told me that she finds me sexy). I want to say she maybe an avoidant though. So what do you guys think my next move should be? Thank you! 

 

I feel like others might not agree with this but I'll be honest.

You've been on 10 dates and have been seeing eachother for two months, she "finds you sexy" but haven't had sex. You feel she is distant in communication and she says she wants to "take things slow"...

Everything about that sounds like she's using you for attention, to pass the time with and boost her confidence and is probably out looking for a better option while she's been seeing you.

Have you thought about where this is going? If you're not going to be physically intimate after 10 dates together, then when? Is there any good reason she wants to take things so slow?

I also agree with the takes that your behaviour up until now sounds a little bit controlling for someone you are only seeing casually and she really doesn't owe anything to. This could likely be a reason why she hasn't gotten closer to you and is now making distance.

Edited March 11 by FredEire

[FobaBett]

2 minutes ago, FredEire said:

I feel like others might not agree with this but I'll be honest.

You've been on 10 dates and have been seeing eachother for two months, she "finds you sexy" but haven't had sex. You feel she is distant in communication and she says she wants to "take things slow"...

Everything about that sounds like she's using you for attention, to pass the time with and boost her confidence and is probably out looking for a better option while she's been seeing you.

Have you thought about where this is going? If you're not going to be physically intimate after 10 dates together, then when? Is there any good reason she wants to take things so slow?

Hi! Yes I have thought about this of course. The reason why we still haven’t had sex yet is probably because of me not being assertive enough (I know). I’m not a very physical person and therefore, she had to prompt me to initiate all the physical touches when we were dating. I know it’s an attraction killer but it is what it is. We were supposed to hang out at my place the week after our last date though. The reason why she wants to take it slow is because she wants to see if our values align. She told me she broke up with her last boyfriend three years ago because he lacked ambition although everything else was good. She also dated a guy last year for three month who was a bit crazy.   

[FredEire]

27 minutes ago, FobaBett said:

Hi! Yes I have thought about this of course. The reason why we still haven’t had sex yet is probably because of me not being assertive enough (I know). I’m not a very physical person and therefore, she had to prompt me to initiate all the physical touches when we were dating. I know it’s an attraction killer but it is what it is. We were supposed to hang out at my place the week after our last date though. The reason why she wants to take it slow is because she wants to see if our values align. She told me she broke up with her last boyfriend three years ago because he lacked ambition although everything else was good. She also dated a guy last year for three month who was a bit crazy.   

I see.

Well yes whatever the reason is for it it doesn't really set a great precedent in terms of your relationship. It's positive that she is initiating rather than rebuffing you, but either way it shows a lack of ambition (as you mentioned was a feature with her ex).

Of course you shouldn't be pushy either but you've been on plenty of dates and as you mentioned she is initiating contact etc so she clearly wants to get more physical with you.

I also think the texting thing is a bit of a double standard. You aren't intense with her physically but want more intense communication? The two things don't go together and she may wonder why you are so demanding here but so passive in terms of sex.

The stuff about values aligning may be just her uncertainty (as with what you described that uncertainty with guys may be a pattern in her relationships), or trying to make you feel better, or a mix of both. I suspect it's the last one. 

[FobaBett]

2 minutes ago, FredEire said:

I see.

Well yes whatever the reason is for it it doesn't really set a great precedent in terms of your relationship. It's positive that she is initiating rather than rebuffing you, but either way it shows a lack of ambition (as you mentioned was a feature with her ex).

Of course you shouldn't be pushy either but you've been on plenty of dates and as you mentioned she is initiating contact etc so she clearly wants to get more physical with you.

I also think the texting thing is a bit of a double standard. You aren't intense with her physically but want more intense communication? The two things don't go together and she may wonder why you are so demanding here but so passive in terms of sex.

The stuff about values aligning may be just her uncertainty (as with what you described that uncertainty with guys may be a pattern in her relationships), or trying to make you feel better, or a mix of both. I suspect it's the last one. 

I don’t doubt her physical attraction towards me.  She also really admired me for what I do for work and what I did in the past. She told me she loved when I talk about it. I think the issue is that I have become too needy, which I do admit it. I do agree with everyone saying she’s pulling back. Since then, I’ve giving her a lot of space and acted calmly. Last time we exchanged texts she sounded pretty normal and started using emojis again. But I wanna keep the distance while she’s still on vacation so she can take the time to recharge. My question is how should I proceed when she gets back? 

[FredEire]

8 minutes ago, FobaBett said:

I don’t doubt her physical attraction towards me.  She also really admired me for what I do for work and what I did in the past. She told me she loved when I talk about it. I think the issue is that I have become too needy, which I do admit it. I do agree with everyone saying she’s pulling back. Since then, I’ve giving her a lot of space and acted calmly. Last time we exchanged texts she sounded pretty normal and started using emojis again. But I wanna keep the distance while she’s still on vacation so she can take the time to recharge. My question is how should I proceed when she gets back? 

Push/pull effect. Yes I do think you did the right thing pulling back.

Surprise her, the next time you meet you initiate the kissing, pull her closer and kiss her neck. If everything is as you say it is she'll go crazy and you won't be spending long in the bar. I'd be pretty sure of it.

At the end of the day she might be happy taking it slow to an extent as you said but there's very few girls who don't like being swept off their feet by the right guy. So feel the fear and go for it anyway.

Edited March 11 by FredEire

[Wiseman2]

Good idea to step back while she's on vacation. Stay in light touch and set something up for when she's back. 

If she wants to "take it slow", that's fine. Especially if she wants to assess things as far as sincerity,etc.  

Please do not pounce on her like a hungry wolf when she returns. That would completely turn her off and confirm her worst fears that you're just another horndog. 

Please keep doing what you're doing and set yourself apart from the crowd. Women know men who just want sex are a dime a dozen. Don't be that guy. Think of the long game. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, FobaBett said:

As for the two weeks of absence (it was actually a week and some change). I believe she was actually busy

Woman here. 

I promise you, when we are into a guy, we are not going to let communication just come to a standstill for that long. We will find time even in our busiest of periods to drop a line, or we would be worried that we will lose your interest. 

If I can't find a moment to message a guy for 1.5 weeks, well, it means I'm not that bothered about keeping in touch with him. 

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, FobaBett said:

I mean it could be the case. But it’s rather strange that she wasn’t into me to begin with. Throughout our time together, she had always been telling me that she finds me cool/sexy looking. I know she admires me for what I do for work and what I did in the past. Didn’t hesitate to verbalize it.

She planned dates and paid for stuff. Like the last time we hung out she planned everything and even bought me a cheesecake (to celebrate me passing an exam for a job) with her handwritten message on top. She even bought me some favorite food and drink I never tried last time she visited her parents (which I never got a chance to grab). There were small gifts here and there as well. I mean I planned and paid for most of our dates but she did contribute. I don’t think she would have done all that if she wasn’t into me.

As for the two weeks of absence (it was actually a week and some change). I believe she was actually busy (because of the nature of her job). 

Ok now it really sounds like you are making lots of excuses and trying to convince yourself that she is actually into you.

She could have totally been into you in the beginning of dating, but has now lost interest or her feelings towards you have changed.  It happens all the time.

[FredEire]

23 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Woman here. 

I promise you, when we are into a guy, we are not going to let communication just come to a standstill for that long. We will find time even in our busiest of periods to drop a line, or we would be worried that we will lose your interest. 

If I can't find a moment to message a guy for 1.5 weeks, well, it means I'm not that bothered about keeping in touch with him. 

Indeed.

Your next date (if there is one) will be very telling.

It's happened to me that a girl I was seeing wasn't in touch with me as much and when we met up she started a fight over something minor, when the reality was probably that she wasn't into me that much any more.

Hopefully she's more mature that that and doesn't go down that road, but it's an easy out to blow it all up rather than be straight with you if she's no longer feeling it.

Edited March 11 by FredEire