::gasp:: his best friend = his girlfriend!!!

[phyrespryte]

Back in sept. I met this guy from match.com. We went out talked a bunch and at the end of the night he gave me a hug and that was that.

 

During all that talking he checked his phone 2 times. He said it was his best friend and that she likes to send him text messages before she goes to sleep. I thought that was odd but didn't say anything. He had said a couple of odd things like that earlier on, but I figured they were really good friends.

 

Anyways. So we started hanging out every other weekend. Nothing romantic going on, no flirting, no touching other than the obligatory hug at the end of the night. He once kissed me on the cheek though.

 

This didn't really bother me as I don't feel any chemistry with him. I like having him as a friend and enjoy spending time with him as he's an interesting person.

 

Here's what bothers me. I just found out he has a girlfriend. He mentioned he's on myspace, so I looked up his profile and the girl that he refers to as his bestfriend is his girlfriend. And I also found out from another person that he's been seeing this girl for about as long as I've known him. I maybe have about a month on her.

 

He's never mentioned that he's dating her. In fact one time he even said that people thought they were dating, but they weren't.

 

I don't care that he's got a girlfriend. I'm just disturbed that he's never mentioned her. And part of me thinks that if I was his girlfriend I'd be bothered also. Also why would he hide the fact that he's dating her? It just seems wrong. My question I guess is...is what he's doing wrong? All this feels shady. I guess I'll have to confront him. But I'm not even sure how to go about this. Should I even bother?

[JayKay]

He's a liar.

 

He obviously didn't want to tell you that his 'best friend' was his girlfriend while out on a date with you.

 

He was keeping the window of opportunity open.

 

I knew a guy like that who talked a lot about his 'business partner' when we met up at happy hours (we worked for the same company and he had a small business on the side)

 

I never heard him once say 'girlfriend' and we used to flirt quite a bit.

 

It was a while before I learned his 'business partner' was his live in fiancee!

 

What a dope.

 

Anyway, no....I wouldn't bother confronting him. You two have nothing going on and the girlfriend will probably eventually figure out he's a flake.

[phyrespryte]

It was a while before I learned his 'business partner' was his live in fiancee!

 

What a dope.

 

Anyway, no....I wouldn't bother confronting him. You two have nothing going on and the girlfriend will probably eventually figure out he's a flake.

 

Wow, what a jerk! I don't understand why guys do things like this. They can't hide their girlfriends forever.

 

The weird thing is I sort of feel bad for his girlfriend. I kind of wish I could say something to her. But maybe I'm just trying to get back at him?

 

No good can come from saying anything to either one, I guess?

[NYCmitch25]

I guess I'm weird but I won't even acknowledge him at all, he doesn't even deserve that. However, I would love to have a conversation with his "best friend" and I'd be sure to make it sound as scandalous as possible. Personal note: I dated a girl for a while and we moved in togeth. she lied about hanging out with her ex (or I should say I don't know what they were doing togeth) but I didn't care, not only did I threw her out, I had contact with his current gf (who he loved but not enough to not cheat on) and spilled the beans about a lot of things he was doing and broke them up too. I don't regret any of it and I'm glad I did it. pricks.

[EnigmaXOXO]

It could be that he is just your average "casual dater" … enjoying the company of several female buddies while not making any commitments until the right one comes along.

 

It's also very possible that there's something more between this guy and the other girl than he's letting on.

 

Either way, your intuitions are telling you that something's "not quite right." And since this is your welfare we're talking about, you have every reason (and right) to question this guy about what's going on. Thoroughly. And if you learn to trust your intuitions rather than ignore those gut feelings, you'll be able to determine for yourself whether he's lying or somehow evading the truth. People are easier to read than we often care to admit.

 

I think the biggest mistake we make early on is feeling too awkward to just come right out and ask the questions that need to be asked. People are often too self-conscious and afraid of appearing too forward or bold. We all need to get over that and learn to confront our doubts rather than readjust our blinders. Those who are too reluctant, or can't overcome that initial awkwardness, are usually the ones who eventually find themselves caught up in bizarre predicaments. I always thought; better to know the truth now (while the gettin' out is good), rather than flog myself later for being so stupid and ignoring those initial warning signs.

 

And regarding the "lack of chemistry" you mentioned, I think you'll find that there are some people out there who are just better at sustaining friendships than they are serious, committed relationships. Fun to hang out with, but when it comes to real intimacy and raw sex-appeal, the sparks just aren't there. There's just something missing you can't quite put your finger on. More often than not, those are the one's who seem to have a plethora of opposite sex buddies, or ex-bonks turned platonic friends. For some reason, they just keep slipping into the dreaded 'friend's zone.'

 

This might be your guy …

[confusedgeek]

Mmm... This is kind of double edged.

 

I need more information here.

 

This guy you met at match.com, was he looking for a date or just people to hang out? Before, I pass judgement, I like to give people benefit of the doubt before it feels like they screwed other people over.

 

If he was looking for a date, sure, it's cheating. But if he wasn't, then, I dunno.

 

You mentioned that theres no romance between you too. And yet it bothers you that he has a girlfriend?

 

Being a guy who has never had friends who are girls, I would be pretty awkward letting a female friend know about another girl. It might turn into a fur ball if that friend turned out to have feelings for him.

 

At least thats my take with thats been posted.

[phyrespryte]

NYC I love the idea of revenge. I'm just afraid that I'm overanalyzing. I wouldn't want to cause some kind of emotional hurt w/o a really good reason.

 

Enigma I agree. My gut keeps telling me that what he says never adds up. And he does have a lot of female friends. Which I think is why I didn't think anything of his best friend. I also think he's pretty serious about this girl b/c she had pictures of them together when they went to Virginia. He told me he went to Virigina with a friend. Never mentioned that it was with a female.

 

For Confused, he told me that the reason he joined match was so that he could meet people because he had just moved to this state. He also told me back in Sept. that he had been trying for 4 months to cancel his membership and that finally he was able to get rid of it. Well that would've meant that he had been trying to cancel his membership since May. He winked at me in August. I didn't contact him. In fact he sent me an email before I even responded to his wink.

 

Why contact me if he was trying to get rid of his account?

 

He also said that they wouldn't let him hide his profile... I've never had that problem. Neither have the other people I've been talking to also. All this he volunteered the first night we went out. I didn't ask him about this.

 

I can see what you're saying about the awkwardness of telling another girl about your girlfriend. But then he doesn't have a problem talking about his ex.

 

Oh and I'm not bothered that he has a girlfriend. I'm bothered that he wasn't honest about her. It seems like such a lame thing to lie about. I wouldn't have hated him for it.

[confusedgeek]

This sounds more like its making sense now. Since he was looking to meet people, he was just looking to hang out with people. So, there wasnt much of a romance relationship in the first place. He's a friend.

 

As for the membership cancelling, I can understand that. Even though people want to go hang out, sometimes they dont want to pay extra for it. I just tried to registered on match.com, and its $12.99 to sign up? no way! Since he was already signed up, heck, i might as well keep using the service. At least I would.

 

Im not sticking up for this guy or what not. But theres things I dont tell my family or my friends. Was it wrong for him not to tell you about the girlfriend?

Theres lots of things I hide though. This isnt any kind of betrayal or anything big. It seems like something very minor.

 

Even my friends spout out lies from time to time. But I dont push them to come out with the truth because theyre a friend. They'll come out to talk about it when they want to.

[justagirl1121]

Hey there....

 

I have some imput. That is something he should have mentioned, unless he thinks you're into him and likes the feeling??

 

My friend shonna has Myspace.com......she has had about 4 guys in the past month seek her out and she's set up dates with them after talking to them on the phone, and online, finding out all kinds of things about them. But one guy's profile said no kids, no wife.....she talked to him for like 2 weeks about all kinds of things, including family life, then right before she's to go out with him, it turns out he's divorced and has like 2 kids.....and Shonna's like why the hell didnt you mention that?

 

This last guy seemed pretty cool, she was to meet him on saturday but he got stuck at work and was upset he couldnt meet her. Shonna could hear the guys dad in the background shouting "get off the f'ing phone" (family owned business).....so Shonna left some msgs on Myspace for him, like "sorry i was looking forward to meeting you" etc. It showed he saw the messages but never replied back and it's been about 5 days.

 

As you know i have my own problems, but Im just seeing guys as really effed up. It's just like there's gotta be one nice one out there who isn't into games.

The reason I brought up is because something like having a wife, children, or a gf/bf is something you would NOT unintentionally forget to mention! I mean if you are just fine being friends, then I'd not worry about it, but still wonder if he's really genuine in other areas....he probably doesn't tell his gf about you then....I'm getting a real negative opinion of guys lately. Making me rather bitter

[NYCmitch25]

I think everyone has made great points (excluding mine probably) LOL

 

I think that if you suspect a rat, he probably is one. I'm the kind of guy that doesn't wait around for my feelings to be hurt several times before I react ( I used to do that); I would be proactive in getting to the bottom of this be it creating a new account and starting ficticious dialogue with him or just suggesting it to his gf. Also, if she is just a friend she wouldn't have a problem with your comments or questions. But since you aren't romatically interested in him I guess he can live out his live how he likes and you can remain having a nice friend ( I won't put on my moralist hat).

 

(just kidding I'm putting the hat on)

The point is that if he wants to date a bunch of girls thats completely fine, however, he has to make them aware of this fact by telling them that he is keeping his options open and not looking for a monogo relationship at this time, Right? IDK thats what I would do.

 

Another way of looking at this is that he might have had a girlfriend and is really interested in you and is now playing the safe bet like what other people had mentioned -- basically don't bother with the stress of breakup until you see this new relationship going somewhere. Another personal note: There was a French gal working at my job who was absolutely stunning to me, Dr. level educaton, pretty, the romance language, and so forth, I "forgot" to mention I was in a serious relationship and I also was kind of in this denial that maybe we could be good friends or something (as I flirted). I so much wanted to tell her but anyway, finally she found out (they always do) and I'm sure it made me look like the biggest slimeball. So I guess I can say I've been there and done that and I consider myself a nice guy. I've been thinking for months that I should send her an email explaining myself but haven't been able decide if it's the right thing to do or not. If she spoke to my SO about my flirting I would feel I deserved it (but I told her anyway).

[phyrespryte]

Well Confused, the getting your money's worth theory definitely sounds plausible. I'll give him that. But I think I'll have to disagree with you on the secrets thing. If this is purely a friendship then his girlfriend would not be referred to as a bestfriend. If he didn't want to talk about her then he shouldn't have mentioned her. When you want something private you don't talk about it.

 

And I really have a hard time staying friends with someone when they lie to me. I wouldn't force them to tell me the truth. I would distance myself from them and stop telling them my secrets. Lies make it hard for me to trust a person.

 

I agree that this is minor. It isn't really a betrayal. But I feel that there's something manipulative about him calling her a friend. I think it's like what someone had said, that he's trying to keep me on hold? Also I feel by lying he seems to think I'm really dumb.

[phyrespryte]

NYC I think you made great points also. I think the gist of what you were saying is that what he did was wrong. And that's what I've been so conflicted about. Like should I be bothered that I had to find this out in such a round about way? Also that it's ok to say something to the ex because he wasn't exactly being a saint.

 

I'm glad you put on the "moral hat".

 

I think that for now I'm just going to hide from him for a bit. I don't really want to talk to him. Maybe when I'm less annoyed I'll ask about the girlfriend. But either way I don't think that I'll be trying to keep the friendship going.

 

Sooooo the French girl....did she get confrontational on you? You don't have to answer if you don't want. I'm just curious. I don't think you're a bad guy either. Omitting your SO wasn't a great idea, but I get it. And you didn't make up stuff.

[confusedgeek]

This is complicated. Its complicated by the part of genders. And what people want.

 

I mean if you were a dude instead of a girl. Im guessing the conversation/actions would be different.

 

During the first time meeting, where he had hang out when he checked out his cellphone 2x for text messages, Id probably say, "hey i just got some messages from a girl who might like me. I think shes cool."

 

But since your female, i would have said, "hey i just got some messages from my friend."

 

Once you lie once, its hard to go back to correct it without suffering consequences. Thats the scary part. If I mention sometime later, hey, those text messages actually werent from a friend, but my girlfriend. Im screwed anyways, if I go back and try to the right thing. Because I just admitted i lied. That just gave a person ammo not to talk to me even though I still want to.

 

I can't really hate this dude, because he said up front he wanted to meet people. Not get into a date. At least with all the info here on this thread.

 

Im not sure this has happened to you, but the women at work and in my family, have a knack for bringing up topics I dont want to talk about.

I dunno what it is. Questions that are asked are always the ones that

I dont wanna talk about. But I have to give an answer, because they asked.

 

Im probably not the best person for these questions because Ive never been in a relationship or a date. I've turned into a forum troll after being denied.

But it seems so bloody complicated.

[phyrespryte]

 

oops. Sorry. Didn't mean to be so pushy with the questions. I enjoy your perspective though. It's different.

 

Well it's true that if you lie it's hard to go back and tell the truth. But the whole girlfriend thing would be so easy to bring up later on. Like for example one time I invited him to a party two days in advance. His response was that he couldn't commit that far in advance. He could've just said then Oh I already made plans with my girlfriend. Most guys I'm friends with just bring it up casually. Like oh my girlfriend has the same problem or my girlfriend this. But he just went on with the whole best friend story.

 

And with the women asking you questions that you don't want to answer... Just tell them you'd rather not talk about it. That's an answer.

 

Oh well dealing with the opposite sex is a pain.

[confusedgeek]

Im sorry myself, I didnt want to sound like im forcing my points.

 

Making friends is hard for me already. Making female friends is like trying to open a can of spam with a knife. I just wouldnt like to see a friendship go down in flames for something minor.

[seachange]

He also said that they wouldn't let him hide his profile... I've never had that problem. Neither have the other people I've been talking to also.

 

Just wanted to say - speaking of lame lies, this is one. Hiding your profile is a basic function on these dating sites.

[phyrespryte]

Seachange, thank you!

 

When he said that to me, my eyebrow raised. But I figured I was being to negative and I should give him a chance. Woo! I was totally wrong and now all the little things that I thought were odd about him are starting to make sense.

[justagirl1121]

so what r u going to do? r u dropping contact w him or just being casual? sorry not much of a talker tonite! if u can believe that!

[phyrespryte]

See I'm not sure anymore what to do. I'm feeling a little hormonal, if you know what I mean.

 

Here's the thing. As a friend he is totally bizarre and crappy. And I don't know if that's all related to the fact that he has a girlfriend and he's been trying to keep things on the d/l.

 

He never calls me at all. Just text messages me all the time. I find it so weird and annoying b/c I don't get free text messages. And when I try to carry on a conversation with him through the text messages, sometimes he just won't ever respond again. Same thing on instant messenger. I'll always be the first to text him on that stinking aim. Then he'll just leave without saying bye when we're chatting. It's so RUDE!!!

 

But then despite all that I enjoyed talking to him and I did enjoy being able to contact him on a Friday or Saturday night and go out with him. In that sense things worked out really well. I could not talk to him all week and then on Friday I would be like, let's go out. And he'd be like sure, give me a sec to freshen up. We'd usually go see a movie and he'd always pay for it. I've paid a couple of times, but usually he won't let me.

 

Man I'm writing a lot. So sorry.

 

So anyways. I thought we just had a friendship. And I really liked that. Then I find out about the girlfriend. So right now I'm just playing dumb and talking to him here and there. He went back home for the holidays so it's not like I can throw a big hissy fit.

 

My friend says I should post a message on his myspace thing. Something that says "oooh i had a great time last night, blah blah blah, I'm so glad that I have such a great relationship with you"

 

 

But I feel that's just way too thought out and evil. But then I could always instant message his girlfriend and ask what's really going on.

 

Right now I'm just going to be calm and see what will happen. Maybe give him a chance to mention the g/f.

 

I don't feel that worrying about him is a priority in my life right now. This holiday is driving me crazy!

[IknowEVERYTHING]

Dump him even as a friend. A friend don't lie girl!

 

Important note though, Don't let this creep keep you from trusting others. Thankfully, not all people are like this jerk of a 'date/friend/ whatever he is trying to be.)

[phyrespryte]

Dump him even as a friend. A friend don't lie girl!

 

Important note though, Don't let this creep keep you from trusting others. Thankfully, not all people are like this jerk of a 'date/friend/ whatever he is trying to be.)

 

I like the way you think! You're absolutely right.

[phyrespryte]

So originally I had all these doubts. Am I overreacting? Maybe he just saw us a only friends? There's no real reason to be mad. blah blah blah blah. Well not anymore.

 

So tonight we were talking on instant messenger, he was out of state for Christmas and now he's back. We end up talking about looking like a virgin or something stupid like that and he mentions that he hasn't done it in 3 months!!! Which is how long he's supposed to have been with this girl he's seeing. He then asks me what I think of him and our relationship. I tell him that I only see him as a friend. Then he goes and says that yeah he's not ready for a relationship. Um yeah. I think his girlfriend would like to hear that. And 3 months going without??? Yeah that's why she's always posting comments about how much she likes playing naked twister with him.

 

But after telling me that he isn't looking for a relationship he asks me to come round his place tomorrow night.

 

Amazing.

 

So yes he is a liar. And I see that it wasn't just friends. Man I'm fuming.

[phyrespryte]

So I had thought this man was a liar. My reasons ranging from hearsay from a friend who barely knows him, a personal page with suggestive comments, to just plain gut feeling.

 

But now I'm not sure anymore. I know I have major trust issues. Every man I've had a relationship with aside from my father has lied to me. So maybe I've been a little too hard on this guy? Maybe I was searching for something to prove that he was just like all the others?

 

Or maybe now I'm just trying to make him seem like a good guy? Ever since we had the let's be friends conversation our relationship has gotten so much better. It's so much more relaxed and fun. I really enjoy the time we spend together.

 

Today I met up with him and asked him about the page. Because even though I really like being friends with him I wasn't comfortable being friends with someone who'd lie about such a thing. And I just had to be sure. He told me that he was single and that the reason it said that he wasn't was because people would always harass him. And that most of his female friends had the same problem and would do the same thing.

 

And for some reason I believe him. But that could just be me hoping for him to be something good.

 

If there's anyone reading this let me know what you think of this,

 

On his myspace page the girl in question she left two questionable comments while he was out of town. 1.Missing my *nickname* 2. RANDY RANDY RANDY

 

Then on her page she mentions that she likes coed naked twister *nickname*-style.

 

 

In fact as I'm writing this I'm starting to feel uneasy that I'm trusting his word. But the girl does seem to have a very perverted sense of humor (translate dirty). And maybe twister is in reference to the fact that he likes to dj and do that whole turntable stuff. Not really sure about the coed naked part.

 

I know I'm being anal and overthinking things...I guess I just need an outsider's view. Am I being "that girl", you know the one that's totally gullible?

[confusedgeek]

Give it a shot. I want to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. He doesnt seem like a complete jerk. He hasnt done anything I'd consider something to break a friendship.

 

I lie all the time, a few big ones, a lot of small ones.

But at least you asked him about it. Major kudos.

 

If you believe him thats good right? Earning someone's trust is the one of the hardest things i think, next to getting a date.

 

You sound like your having a good time. Why stop?

 

Though, I dont think im understanding the phrase "people harrass him"

More details?

 

- ConfusedGeek

[phyrespryte]

Though, I dont think im understanding the phrase "people harrass him"

More details?

 

On myspace people can do a search for single people and ask them out. So by saying you're in a relationship that keeps random people from bothering you.

 

I am having a good time though. I'm just scared that he is lying to me. I think it's a bit frightening that someone could be lying yet seem so honest. But what he says seems to make sense. I just wonder about this girl. Do you think that's it's possible that she's only a good friend despite the coed naked line?