Still a mess?

[Stacey]

I've been here before and got some good advice from all you great people.... well, like many people, good advice is often not followed.....and I am no exception.

 

A brief synopsis - married almost 18 years, no married sex life for almost 8 years, convinced myself I could live without it. Met a guy 6 months ago, 16 years my junior who totally flipped me around. Spent 6 months flirting, met a few times, kissed a few times, told myself it was all stupid behaviour on my part and swore it off and tried to commit myself to making the sexual aspect of my marriage work.

 

Gave it the real college try, just basically jumped on my husband and attacked him! Found out I am no longer physically attracted to my husband - told myself again, I can live without it and still make the marriage work. CAN'T! Husband and I talked, cried and decided to separate. Other guy kept calling, I kept putting him off and finally, last week, gave in and we slept together. Now I'm really screwed up! It was the best sex I ever had! I am sure that the newness of it is part of it but I also discovered that I am not DEAD after all and that sex in my life is something I don't want to live without.

 

Question is can I continue an extra-marital affair with someone and live with my husband as, basically, a room mate because that's what our relationship has turned out to be despite my many, many attempts at trying to rekindle something between us?

 

I think it all boils down to the fact that I met a MAN - even if he is a lot younger than I am and my hormones are out of control. He's very attractive physically, smart, good job and has just that right combination of forcefulness and gentleness that I always considered very attractive AND told my husband, over the years, that I did find attractive - it's like talking to a brick wall. My husband, on the other hand, is a very nice person but nice only goes so far. He has NEVER, in 18 years, taken the intiative sexually and believe me, it got very tiresome on my end so I basically gave up 8 years ago. Once this guy came along and woke up my hormones, I realized that I should try again with my husband FIRST only to find that I can't get the least bit excited about him sexually. Even after 8 years, it was the same 'ole, same 'ole - like after all those years he never had a new, exciting thought enter his head.

 

So, here I am, a bundle of hormones and no where to turn. I know continuing this relationship with this other guy will only lead to more problems but to be real honest, I don't feel the least bit guilty about having sex with him. It seems to be a strictly physical thing at this point - at least on my end. I don't want any emotional attachment to this guy but I don't know what the future will bring. He says he doesn't either.

 

If I hadn't tried so hard in so many ways to get it together with my husband, I would probably feel more racked with guilt but I don't. I know this other guy is more than willing to continue a physical relationship - I just don't know how to keep myself together.

 

My husband is back home again because he says he "can't live without me" but it's just the same dismal situation all over again with him. Nothing has changed despite the fact that he said it would - goes to work, comes home, eats dinner, falls asleep on the couch and gets up and goes to bed and snores all night while I lay there so jumpy I can hardly stand it. I know they say that woman reach their sexual peak later in life (I'm 46) - is this what is happening to me? I've never been so sexually wound up in my life and I don't how to deal with it. If my husband doesn't do it for me, where do I turn - what do I do? Do I have to leave my husband to feel "right" about being a sexual being? Is it really that black and white? I know I should feel some guilt about all of this but I just don't - what is wrong with me?

 

Sorry this is so very long but I would appreciate any comments from anyone who has maybe been in a similar situation and maybe learn how they deal or dealt with it. I can't live like this - jumpy all the time, resentful because I can't make a sexual life with my husband work no matter how hard I try and wanting to meet with this other guy and just have sex! How do you tell your hormones to go away and leave you alone or do I have to? HELP!

[Stacey]

I just re-read my post and realized I left out something very important - how could I have? I don't want to leave my husband on top of everything else that is going on. The phrase "you can't have your cake and eat it too" keeps running thru my mind...

 

My relationship with my husband is a good one - we like many of the same things, we know each other like a well read book, we're comfortable around each other, travel together, do lots of things together BUT - and it's a big one - how do I live without any intimacy or sex in my life? I simply cannot find a way to get it back into our marriage because I have no desire to have sex with my husband anymore.

 

Ignoring me for all these years has built up a big well of resentment in me and I know it is carrying over into everything in our marriage. I pull away even if he tries to hold my hand because I'm so tired of him thinking that holding my hand or patting me on the back makes up for the lack of intimacy in our lives. I am not willing to "settle" for a "nice" marriage and I am not willing to let it go. Is it possible that, eventually, all this hormone action will go away? But then do I end up a dried up resentful old prune?

[Ryan]

I just re-read my post and realized I left

out something very important - how could I have? I don't want to leave my husband on top of everything else that is going on. The phrase "you can't have your cake and eat it too" keeps running thru my mind... My relationship with my husband is a good one - we like many of the same things, we know each other like a well read book, we're comfortable around each other, travel together, do lots of things together BUT - and it's a big one - how do I live without any intimacy or sex in my life? I simply cannot find a way to get it back into our marriage because I have no desire to have sex with my husband anymore. Ignoring me for all these years has built up a big well of resentment in me and I know it is carrying over into everything in our marriage. I pull away even if he tries to hold my hand because I'm so tired of him thinking that holding my hand or patting me on the back makes up for the lack of intimacy in our lives. I am not willing to "settle" for a "nice" marriage and I am not willing to let it go. Is it possible that, eventually, all this hormone action will go away? But then do I end up a dried up resentful old prune?

I think you've answered some of your own questions, perhaps unknowingly. First, you should be aware that sex is never JUST about sex when it comes to women....unless you are the .001% of the population who varies here. You said yourself that you have a lot of resentment and anger built up inside of you over many, many years as a part of this marriage. Is it any wonder you aren't having physical intimacy on a healthy level? Is this really a good marriage? Clearly there is a great deal of communication and interaction missing between you and your husband. You aren't going to find this by sleeping around with some much younger guy. It has nothing to do with hormones. You had such a void that when this other guy came along and gave you some attention, it sparked a huge awakening. However, that isn't going to last. I believe you have every right to do better than "settle" for your marriage the way it is, but this isn't the right way to go about making reparations. If you AND your husband want to rebuild your relationship, it's going to take some third party counseling that we can't provide here. It's going to take dedication and some struggling on behalf of both of you....that means no more flings. You can't possibly focus on healing this marriage if you are naively looking for quick fixes in the arms of another man. You need to explain to your husband that the marriage is not as strong as it needs to be, and that you both need some help. It's not going to be easy and it's not going to be fast. You have a lot of things to untangle.

[Stacey]

Ryan:

 

Good, straight, true advice. I agree with you totally. I think it's about time for me to make a decision and stick with it. Counseling to save a floundering marriage or leave. It's not fair to either of us to continue this way or for me to look somewhere else to fill a void and still try to hang onto my marriage for probably very selfish reasons. And you're right, I'm not in the .001% who might think it's just for sex - sooner or later I know I would either look for more from this other person which I will probably not get and then I'll be in a bigger mess. Thank you so much for your honest advice. I'll be spending lots of time determining what it is I want and making a decision. Thanks for taking the time to "listen".