Really upset about fiance spending the night with friends and not returning until the following evening

[Red_apple 91]

I currently work away from my fiance and I only get to see him on the weekend. On Friday, my fiance told me we could go to my home city where my mom lives for mothers day, and where he has some friends. He said he'd stay overnight with them on Saturday. The friend who's house they went to was about a 20 minute drive away from my mom's. 

This meet up included a few friends, some of which were married. I asked why he said a few of them were going home instead of staying over at the friends and he said 'they have wives'. I was really shocked but didn't know what to say as it took me by surprise. So did that mean that as his fiance I wasn't worth going back home to?

So he stayed over with his friends, some left at 1am 'to their wives'. 

At 1pm the next day he texted me saying he'd be coming to see me and my mom shortly. A few hours later he didn't turn up. I got another message at 4pm saying he was watching a football match but will come when it finished. By this point, in light of his previous comment about his friends wives and the fact that I am only seeing him once a week, I got upset. He turned up at 7.30pm and travelled back to home at 9pm(I was staying with my mom), so I only got to see him for 1.5 hours, and he pretty much missed most of mothers day. 

He apologised but I honestly still feel upset. I'm really offended that he basically told me his friends were going back to be with their wives who they probably see everyday, but he left me until the next evening. 

Am I overreacting here?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? How far apart are you and how long will you be long distance?

Unfortunately it seems like your BF blew off mother's day with your mother to party with friends. Are there other issues in the relationship?

It doesn't seem very solid or that he likes spending time with you or your family. 

 

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, Red_apple 91 said:

I currently work away from my fiance and I only get to see him on the weekend. On Friday, my fiance told me we could go to my home city where my mom lives for mothers day, and where he has some friends. He said he'd stay overnight with them on Saturday. The friend who's house they went to was about a 20 minute drive away from my mom's. 

This meet up included a few friends, some of which were married. I asked why he said a few of them were going home instead of staying over at the friends and he said 'they have wives'. I was really shocked but didn't know what to say as it took me by surprise. So did that mean that as his fiance I wasn't worth going back home to?

So he stayed over with his friends, some left at 1am 'to their wives'. 

At 1pm the next day he texted me saying he'd be coming to see me and my mom shortly. A few hours later he didn't turn up. I got another message at 4pm saying he was watching a football match but will come when it finished. By this point, in light of his previous comment about his friends wives and the fact that I am only seeing him once a week, I got upset. He turned up at 7.30pm and travelled back to home at 9pm(I was staying with my mom), so I only got to see him for 1.5 hours, and he pretty much missed most of mothers day. 

He apologised but I honestly still feel upset. I'm really offended that he basically told me his friends were going back to be with their wives who they probably see everyday, but he left me until the next evening. 

Am I overreacting here?

Sorry this happened to you.

I can only say that I would be absolutely furious if my own fiancée behaved that way. To me, this behavior seems disrespectful on more than one level.

However, people have very different ideas about time commitments and such. Is this the first time something like this happens? Did he offer any explanation of his behavior, besides just apologizing? 

[BaileyB]

On 3/10/2024 at 5:24 PM, Red_apple 91 said:

Am I overreacting here?

No. 

I would be very upset, his behavior was very disrespectful to you. 

He does not get stay out all night and miss a planned gathering the next day because you are not married and he does not have to get home to the old ball and chain… he should show uo because he is a grown man with other obligations that weekend and he is not a college frat boy… 

Edited March 12 by BaileyB

[d0nnivain]

You can feel hurt but I wouldn't call off the marriage just yet. 

Do tell him you felt disrespected & like you were second choice.   Explain that since he's about to be a married man, you thought he should have come home.  But & this is a big one -- if he had been drinking & that prompted the decision to stay put rather than drive, applaud that decision.  You would feel much worse if he died or killed somebody.  

Before you marry you two need to talk about boundaries & expectations.  I've been married 16 years.  Sometimes my husband gets carried away hanging out with his buddied & doesn't make it home until the wee hours.  I don't like it but know he needs the outlet sometimes.  

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

I've been married 16 years.  Sometimes my husband gets carried away hanging out with his buddied & doesn't make it home until the wee hours.  I don't like it but know he needs the outlet sometimes.  

For sure, I absolutely agree.

And I totally agree that it’s a smart decision to stay over if he has been drinking. 

For the record, I would not be angry because he got together with friends or even that he stayed over. That was always the plan, no problem at all. I would be angry that he had plans to meet you the next day and he blew you off - to continue the party with the boys. Again, if that was always the plan, that he was going to spend the weekend and they were going to watch the game together - cool. But, that wasn’t the plan. And, the fact that he was so dismissive about not showing up - that would make me very angry. 

I wouldn’t call off the wedding but I would be having a discussion with him about expectations - as was said above. He can hang with his friends but is this going to be a regular occurrence? Is he going to keep his word when he makes plans with you or do his friends come first? And, why does he think that you are not entitled to the same respect that his friend’s wives get - although, I doubt that the fact that they had to go home was seen a a positive thing that night. He shouldn’t come home because you require it - as a grown man who chooses to be in a relationship, he should be able to find a balance between his friends and his relationship, communicate and negotiate the plan with you, and then honour his commitments. Just my two cents…

Edited March 12 by BaileyB

[Els]

IMO it makes sense for him to stay over on Saturday if they're all drinking (it's possible the wives are picking the other guys up?). But he should absolutely not have bailed on Mothers Day at the last minute for anything other than an emergency, how incredibly rude of him towards your mom and you.