Afraid to Commit?

[stangbabe]

Help me! I've been dating this guy for one year now. He spends every waking moment with me and treats me better than anyone ever has. He's a good person, extremely honest, sometimes too honest! Here are some problems I am faced with, and I just need some advice. I don't know whether to hang on or bail out! I am madly in love with him, but obviously the feelings aren't mutual. He keeps telling me that love takes time, to be patient, but he tells me that he cares very deeply for me, but is not in love with me. Part of me is glad that he doesn't just tell me he loves me, like some men will do, but part of me wants him to sooo bad! I know I can't make him feel something he doesn't. I'm so used to these relationships where the guy is saying he loves you in 3 weeks, and he doesn't. This is probably the most healthy relationship I've had, yet there are some problems, but nothing serious. He has a bit of an attitude sometimes, and is not afraid to speak his mind! I'm the total opposite! I guess that's a strong point in a way as he doesn't get "dumped on" by others as I do!! He says he's happy for the most part, but the relationship isn't everything he wants, but that it has good potential to be. There are some areas that I've been affected due to sexual abuse issues that cause some problems, but I'm working through them. I've never had to be patient for anything in my life, unfortunately, and the wait is killing me. I don't want to trash the best thing that's ever happened to me, if this truly is, but I really don't know what to do. Also, he is 31, I'm 39. He is very mature and has a good head on his shoulders, but there are some issues that are probably age related. I got "fixed", don't want more kids, he's not sure if he does or not. I got angry at him the other day and "threw him out" and told him not to come back until he figured out what it is that he wants. Needless to say, he was back the next day. The most confusing thing is, I'm used to people telling me they love me and not showing it, he doesn't tell me he loves me, but shows it! I asked him the other day, "how can you treat me like you do and not love me"? His response was, "just imagine how much better it will be if I do fall in love with you". HELP!!!!!!!! I need honest answers!!!

[ashesmum]

It's really hard to say which way to go. Who knows if he's just playin with you or in the relationship for good. It also depends on what you really want. If you want to wait not knowing how long you'd have to wait, then you'd stay with him. But if you decide after a certain time he's still doing the same thing and hasn't gotten closer, than do you want to waste your time? You have to decide this. Is love worth waiting for? Or is love actually going to come being with this man? He says he's not completely happy with the relationship, but there's potential? What does he expect to change? And what's not there now that he would need to say it has "potential". Is it you? Sounds a little strange that after a year he still keeps coming back but isn't really happy and wants things to change or to be different. Good luck.

Help me! I've been dating this guy for one year now. He spends every waking moment with me and treats me better than anyone ever has. He's a good person, extremely honest, sometimes too honest! Here are some problems I am faced with, and I just need some advice. I don't know whether to hang on or bail out! I am madly in love with him, but obviously the feelings aren't mutual. He keeps telling me that love takes time, to be patient, but he tells me that he cares very deeply for me, but is not in love with me. Part of me is glad that he doesn't just tell me he loves me, like some men will do, but part of me wants him to sooo bad! I know I can't make him feel something he doesn't. I'm so used to these relationships where the guy is saying he loves you in 3 weeks, and he doesn't. This is probably the most healthy relationship I've had, yet there are some problems, but nothing serious. He has a bit of an attitude sometimes, and is not afraid to speak his mind! I'm the total opposite! I guess that's a strong point in a way as he doesn't get "dumped on" by others as I do!! He says he's happy for the most part, but the relationship isn't everything he wants, but that it has good potential to be. There are some areas that I've been affected due to sexual abuse issues that cause some problems, but I'm working through them. I've never had to be patient for anything in my life, unfortunately, and the wait is killing me. I don't want to trash the best thing that's ever happened to me, if this truly is, but I really don't know what to do. Also, he is 31, I'm 39. He is very mature and has a good head on his shoulders, but there are some issues that are probably age related. I got "fixed", don't want more kids, he's not sure if he does or not. I got angry at him the other day and "threw him out" and told him not to come back until he figured out what it is that he wants. Needless to say, he was back the next day. The most confusing thing is, I'm used to people telling me they love me and not showing it, he doesn't tell me he loves me, but shows it! I asked him the other day, "how can you treat me like you do and not love me"? His response was, "just imagine how much better it will be if I do fall in love with you". HELP!!!!!!!! I need honest answers!!!

[stangbabe]

It's really hard to say which way to go. Who knows if he's just playin with you or in the relationship for good. It also depends on what you really want. If you want to wait not knowing how long you'd have to wait, then you'd stay with him. But if you decide after a certain time he's still doing the same thing and hasn't gotten closer, than do you want to waste your time? You have to decide this. Is love worth waiting for? Or is love actually going to come being with this man? He says he's not completely happy with the relationship, but there's potential? What does he expect to change? And what's not there now that he would need to say it has "potential". Is it you? Sounds a little strange that after a year he still keeps coming back but isn't really happy and wants things to change or to be different. Good luck.

Thanks, Ashesmum. Are you saying that because he keeps coming back, that there's obviously something there? He says there is, but I have problem with the "grey areas" in life! I want it either black or white! Actually, one of the things is I have some health problems that concern him, and I have neglected to "take care of myself". I am doing so now, he's just looking for some consistancy, which I need with or without him! Thanks very much for your reply and feel free to comment again if anything comes to mind! :0)

[marzipan75]

Hi,

 

I am not sure I understand it all but here goes...He's told you he's not in love with you and yet you are still together. That has to hurt a lot. Now I dunno about this but If I were you I think I would want some time apart. You say you threw him out and asked him to consider his feelings, well, honey I think he has. According to you you've had several conversations about this and he keeps telling you he's not in love with you. You've been together a year now and although there's really no time frame for this sort of thing if you read your post back to yourself it sounds like you are saying that you've been patient and given him enough time but he's just not "feeling" it like you are. You threw him out and he came back, that doesn't constitute that he's decided he loves you. Those three little words can be the most important things in a relationship and should be. He's not saying them and I don't know why but it sounds like you don't either.

 

He doesn't sound like a bad guy, he's sticking by you through your therapy and so I guess he knows about your history of abuse? But you are saying you have your share of problems- his lack of committment, his being 8 years older than you and his possible wanting to have children. It sounds like you've got a lot of issues to work out and you seem pretty sure that you want to stick by him but you're not listening when you ask him the "I love you" question. He's not answering you and while he is being honest with you, you must consider why you two are still together. Is it because it's conveninent for the both of you? Do you think you won't find someone better than he?

 

Believe me because I've wasted so much time on the wrong person, you should take some time away from eachother. You don't have to "Break Up" but you could tell him you want a little time to yourself so you can think about what you want and whether or not you are getting that out of this relationship. Yes you may be being a bit hasty here but under the circumstances, you've been patient, it's been a year and yes you may have a lot to give but does he? What about your therapist what does he/she say? The advantage of having a therapist is that you can bring this into your sessions as well and perhaps they can help you come to a conclusion about what you want.

 

From what you posted it sounds to me like you are in love with him but he's not giving you what you need and that is very important. He may be satisfied because you seem to be giving but if all he's doing is taking then you need to stop that right now. Don't be afraid to want more and yes be patient but don't wait half a century for him to come to a decision about your relationship. It sounds like he's the one in control of everything in your relationship and you don't want that, you too need to get a handle on this and decide when it's not working for you. It sounds like it's not working for you. So don't sell yourself short on somebody because if you found this guy then you can certainly find another. I'm sure this is not an easy thing to hear but it just sounds like you're unhappy. Sometimes in a relationship we settle for things because we see them as little compromises but when the sacrifices start getting bigger and bigger and the other person doesn't seem to be making any that's when you should pay more attention. Pay attention to what he's not saying as opposed to what he is.

 

He is not saying "I Love You" and you need to think about that because you are setting yourself up for it if it turns out that he doesn't in the end.

 

I hope this helps. Good luck and I'm sorry if I seem a little bit harsh or stern. I really do hope things work out for you.

Help me! I've been dating this guy for one year now. He spends every waking moment with me and treats me better than anyone ever has. He's a good person, extremely honest, sometimes too honest! Here are some problems I am faced with, and I just need some advice. I don't know whether to hang on or bail out! I am madly in love with him, but obviously the feelings aren't mutual. He keeps telling me that love takes time, to be patient, but he tells me that he cares very deeply for me, but is not in love with me. Part of me is glad that he doesn't just tell me he loves me, like some men will do, but part of me wants him to sooo bad! I know I can't make him feel something he doesn't. I'm so used to these relationships where the guy is saying he loves you in 3 weeks, and he doesn't. This is probably the most healthy relationship I've had, yet there are some problems, but nothing serious. He has a bit of an attitude sometimes, and is not afraid to speak his mind! I'm the total opposite! I guess that's a strong point in a way as he doesn't get "dumped on" by others as I do!! He says he's happy for the most part, but the relationship isn't everything he wants, but that it has good potential to be. There are some areas that I've been affected due to sexual abuse issues that cause some problems, but I'm working through them. I've never had to be patient for anything in my life, unfortunately, and the wait is killing me. I don't want to trash the best thing that's ever happened to me, if this truly is, but I really don't know what to do. Also, he is 31, I'm 39. He is very mature and has a good head on his shoulders, but there are some issues that are probably age related. I got "fixed", don't want more kids, he's not sure if he does or not. I got angry at him the other day and "threw him out" and told him not to come back until he figured out what it is that he wants. Needless to say, he was back the next day. The most confusing thing is, I'm used to people telling me they love me and not showing it, he doesn't tell me he loves me, but shows it! I asked him the other day, "how can you treat me like you do and not love me"? His response was, "just imagine how much better it will be if I do fall in love with you". HELP!!!!!!!! I need honest answers!!!