Can't sleep, please help

[Punchinello]

Hi, I've been with a woman for nearly a year now and proposed last month and was thrilled when she said yes. Now what's the problem you ask? Well when we were together for a couple months, we went to a party and she got pretty wasted and was sitting on a guys lap, dancing with him, and flirting all night with him. She ignored me. I tried to talk to her about what she was doing, and she acted like she had no clue. Her best friend even said it seemed like her adn the guy were dating and not her and myself. Now why didn't I do anything? Well, I'm the type that will sit back and wait and hope that she realizes that she's being...I dunno, "sleezy", whatever you want to call it, and will stop and apologize. I didn't want to make a scene. I did however tell the guy to leave her alone, which he did but not after he put his arms around her and, I'm not positive, but it looked like they kissed. I did break up with her that night for it. She felt horrible, and a few days later I took her back. She admitted he was grabbing her butt, but said she didn't know what was happening the rest of the night. I asked her if they kissed, and she said "No, I would've remembered that." Well how can you remember that, but not what else you did? Anyway, It's been eating at me since then and last night I asked her about it. I asked if she did kiss him, and she said she didn't know. I may be crazy, or jealous, or whatever, but I love her with all my heart and would never and have never done anything remotely close to that to her and it just ate at me and I had to know. For better or worse, I had to know. We love each other very much, and that did happen a long time ago, but for some reason I can't get it out of my head. It bothers me so much I can't sleep. I don't want our relationship to be damaged, and I know I must forgive and forget, but how can someone I love so dearly, and treat so well, and someone who tells me I'm the love of their life, the one she wants to be with, do that to me? Please help me out. Should I worry? Should I forget? Help.

[Cecelius]

You are still qualifying her. You went ahead and got engaged while you still have due diligence left to do.

 

Basically, this event happened early in your relationship and you didn't deal with it adequately. you now feel like you are at her mercy in the sense that she may do it again.

 

My girl once got drunk when we had just started dating and sat on a couple guy's laps to make me jealous. My answer? 2 years later whenever she gives me cr@p about us getting engaged or moving in together, I tell her I'm still trying to figure out if she's a bar slut or not... She knows that if anything like that happens again, I am gone, and she knows to watch her booze intake.

 

Since your event happened pretty early on (were you exclusive in any meaningful sense?), I would not raise the issue in a serious context. I would go out with her and make jokes about guys she may want to hang on for the night, and when people ask about your wedding date, act like you don't care or that she's not giving you enough kinky stuff, or whatever.

 

Girls who get drunk like this tend to be seeking attention. The more you give it to her and take it away, the more she will seek your approval.

[Bryanp]

This is a huge red flag. Your girlfriend has problems holding her liquor and engages in inappropriate behavior right in front of you and does not remember? What is going to happen when she gets into a fight with you and goes out for drinks with her girlfriend. I had the same problem as you and went ahead and married her. Now only 1 1/2 years later we are getting a divorce and I will have to pay her $300,000. Never be involved with someone who drinks and does not remember what they are doing. If you marry her the chances are great that you will end up just like me. I wish you luck.

[Punchinello]

Yeah, It did happen early on and I did go ahead and decide to commit to her. Things are different now, and I don't know how I know, but I just KNOW that it won't happen again. We both want to be with eachother, we only engage in minor drinking amongst friends now, and things are much more serious now then back then. I understand that we had only been together for a small amount of time when that happened. There wasn't much of a chance to get truly serious and committed. Would she have done that say, 2 weeks ago? Honestly I know she wouldn't have. I know she made a mistake. She owns up to it. But I'm also aware that she would feel like *heck* if I'd done that to her. We're past that now, and I think the chance of this happening again is non-existent. I just need to know if I should try and block this out? Let me know.

[UltimateZen]

Cecelius makes a good point, but I would sit down with her and have that serious conversation. No man (or woman) in a relationship should take that sort of crap; you should have been more upfront about it and addressed it right then and there. Hopefully you learned from that and won't let that happen again.

 

Don't scold her or anything like that, but be upfront and tell her that this bothers you, you are losing sleep, and be sure to get her reassurance. Then put it behind you. Everyone does stupid things, what is most important is drawing a line down in the sand to mark what is forgivable and what is not. Cheating in my opinion is not forgivable (this includes sex, kissing, etc.) Make sure she knows going into this marriage where the line is. What she did that night crossed your line and you will not stand for it again. Communication is so important in a marriage, but so is honesty. It might cause a fight, but guess what, fights are good in a relationship because it shows you are human. No relationship is perfect.

 

Don't let love blind you either. If you don't like her response when you approach her on this, say it. Her first reaction is going to tell you everything you need to know. If she is genuinely sorry, you will know. If she is fluffing it off, you have your answer right there. Thee are not absolutes in life, so you really cannot say it will NEVER happen; what will decide that is how strong your relationship is...right now the relationship is not strong because you are not convinced by her answer that she does not remember kissing the guy. Clear this up and you will be back on track. Better to catch this now than later on.....it'll cost you as Bryanp said: $300,000+

[ICS]

I read your post and I knew I have to comment on it.

My ex also found herself in an analogous situation, and it has always haunted me ever since she did it. There were other problems in our relationship as well, but as much as I tried to forgive her, I knew it will always come back to me and make me wonder if she is the right girl. I tried really hard but even 1 year after that incident I cannot rid myself of the awful memory... leading to our breakup earlier this week.

 

Well, what did she do? Nothing physical like lap dancing for a guy after getting wasted, but much the same in my opinnion. Last year she moved away to university 8 hours away, and we kept our relationship going despite the dfficulty. However, one night, out of nowhere, I had found out obscurely that she took nude pictures of herself for her male friend. Like any other guy would, I confronted her, all the while trying to keep my cool. She told me that she indeed took them for her male friend, who requested them. It seems as though he sent her nude pictures of himself and wanted the same thing from her. This male friend of hers was gay, but still I could see no reason why she would or could do such a thing, provided we were in a relationship.

That night she told me that I have her body and her heart, and that it isn't like she is prostituting herself to him. "It was just a picture".

 

Anyhow, it really bothered me lately, because I have been seeing her gay friend from time to time. I talked to her about it last week and she told me that she had done nothing wrong, regardless of what my friends or me think. She further told me that what she did was perfeclty fine because her friends engage in such photo-swapping all the time. However, she did tell me that she will not do it again because I got such a huge reaction from it. And we're talking about a girl who really loves me.

 

Sometimes compatibilty takes prominence over love. Despite her shortcomings, I tried everything I could to be with her, but in the end I left her not because she doesn't love me (she loves me dearly), but because I was venturing deeper and deeper into an unlit tunnel, with occassional voices in my head and an ever-increasing number of problems to be dealt with. We were just not meant for each other, but yes I still love her very much, even though she decided to leave my life altogether.

 

You sound like someone who is very much in love, and that is great. Nothing in the world can substitute for that feeling. However, do keep in mind that a relationship is nothing but a burden if there is a constant worry in your mind. I wish you the best of luck.

[Cecelius]

I would not confess to her that you are losing sleep or that this upsets you, and I would work on making those things no longer true.

 

No offense, but at the time, this dude, for those couple of seconds, managed to out-man you. For those few moments, he was more attractive than you were. For that reason, confessing that you are still upset (wounded I mean) will permanently etch in her mind that you have that weakness. Even nice girls who mean no harm end up attacking your weak points.

 

I would bust her out for it from time to time. Keep it light, but make jokes about her being easy or one drink short of doing porn, or whatever. And get across that you can certainly live without her if something like that happens again.

 

Personally, I think you should have taken harsher action at the time -- I would have just dumped her at the time, and you SHOULD strongly consider doing that now. After all, how much does it matter that you love her when her actions make you feel like this (and her actions were slutty)?