New To Forum! Feeling Frustrated & Confused...

[GreenRose]

I'm 21. My boyfriend is 23. We're expecting a baby in a month. We've been together for almost 3 years, and have been living together for the last 2 1/2. This is the first time either of us has lived with a significant other. We have a good relationship overall, and have had only a few minor issues other than the normal, day to day spats that every couple has. The main issues that have been pressing on our relatinship have been resolved (mainly the financial ones). We're getting along better than we have since around the 2 year mark.

 

I found out I was pregnant 6 months ago. We agreed that we would get married on our 4 year anavarsary (2-24-07) the night of our 2 year anavarsary. Because of the baby and everything, we were going to move the wedding up to August 24, 2005. Well, since I'm typing this now, evidently, that didn't happen. We moved it back a year (if we get married before the baby is born, they'll drop me from my insurance). That would give us time to save up, and plan, and get the baby situated, and give me a little time to lose some of that baby fat. So, now the plan was August 16, 2006.

 

I've been planning our wedding, figuring out what kind of flowers, and what kind of shoes, and designing my dress, and looking at invitations. Well, now he doesn't want to get married.. Not, like, no marriage at all, just like, no wedding for the forseeable future. He thinks that I'm 'getting all worried about it' needlessly. I don't know who to talk to about it.

 

So, he doesn't disagree with the August date, he just doesn't really abide by it. One of his friends asked him about a month ago when we were getting married. Carlo just didn't respond. It really hurt my feelings. And last night when we were in bed, I told him to just look at the calendar and pick a day that he was happy with. I told him that I just wanted to know. He told me that I was worrying about something that I shouldn't be thinking about, and to go to sleep.

 

Marriage is important to me. It really is. If something should ever happen to one of us, it sort of protects the other (and helps with assistance), and with a baby coming, I think that it's something that unifies us as a family.

 

This wasn't bothering me very much until the last few weeks. Just knowing that he doesn't have any plans for us.. It sort of pisses me off. Whether we marry or not, we will still live and be together. We still love each other, and we'll still love the baby no matter what.. I just want some validation of sorts. I left my last relationship because the guy I was with couldn't get the word 'girlfriend' out of his mouth. We had dated for two years, and he couldn't commit.

 

When I met my boyfriend, the very first night we wanted to be together, and we said the words. He's the one who brought it up. I thought that he didn't have these kinds of issues. We've been living together for 2 1/2 years now. I just feel....so.....

 

I feel angry, and sad, and frustrated, and embarrased. I feel like I'm crazy for caring about a 'piece of paper' when our relationship is good on all other fronts, and he says that he just wants to work out the kinks that we already have before making such a big commitment. The thing is, we talked about the issues, and worked things out. I'm furious that he won't just tell me when. I'm sad. I just feel like I'm stuck.

 

Sigh. Sorry for such a long vent. I just have NO idea what to do, and I don't know what will make things better. I've brought it up, point blank, several times, and he just either doesn't answer, or says something like he did last night. I just started crying because I just want it so bad. I just want to know that he wants to at some point.. And if he really doesn't want to, he should tell me just that. At least we'd be on the same page.

[slubberdegullion]

First, welcome GreenRose, and congratulations on the upcoming baby.

 

Now, before you go and shred your man's cajones in a food processor, I'd be interested to get your scoop on why you believe that a marriage ceremony unifies you as a family. Certainly there's the whole social acceptance thing, and that's fine as far as it goes, but what specifically do you expect to be different after you are married?

[GreenRose]

Well, the main reasons that I feel so compelled are these:

 

I want to know that he's serious. I know that a wedding isn't a marriage. A marriage is a relationship, and the two people in it, and whether or not you're legal, its going to be what it is. I love him, and am having his child. I know that it may be petty, but it's simply validation that I seek.

 

I want to have the same last name as my son and husband. I want him to legally be able to speak for me if something happens. God forbid, if one of us should die, I want to have some life insurance set up and a will or something. It makes things so much more simple under certain circumstances.

 

I want the wedding, too. I want to have that public announcement, that we're together. That's just all of my 'Cinderella' and 'The Little Mermaid' brainwashing, though.

[RecordProducer]

He told me that I was worrying about something that I shouldn't be thinking about, and to go to sleep.

Well you should be worried and don't let him persuade you that you're having unnecessary thoughts about the situation.

 

I can tell you one thing: you can only play with the cards that are dealt for you. He is not sure he wants to be married to you so observe his behavior and bring a decision independently.

 

You may choose to:

1. Enjoy your life together and patiently wait for his proposal;

2. Nag about it endlessly;

3. Threaten to leave.

 

In any case, try to enjoy your baby cuz it's coming soon. You are together, just love each other and be there for one another. You're pregnant, your hormones are messed up and you see red for every little thing. This IS a big thing, but don't be so sad and angry. Everything will be okay eventually no matter how it ends. My ex did marry me and left me evry soon after that. What matters is that your relationship lasts for a long time.

[Tamrick]

I know this might sound terrible, but it might be better if you give the baby your surname. Then if he doesn't marry you and you have to find another guy later on, it will be easier to change the baby's surname and also it may encourage your bf to marry you. If he does marry you after the baby is born then you could also change the baby's surname then. From a legal point of view this would be better for you and the baby if he is not willing to commit.

 

I believe that marriage is important especially if there are children, because that baby needs to know who its parents are. Of course you shoudln't get married just cause there is a baby, but if you are planning to remain together then it is better to seal it with marriage for a number of issues including insurance and medical care and so on.

 

However, since you only plan to marry in August, you shouold perhaps concentrate on the baby coming and how to deal with that and talk about marriage again when the baby is born and you have settled down a bit - baby's are a lot of work.

[GreenRose]

Well, honestly, if I gave my baby my surname, my boyfriend would find that very suspicious. I don't think that this is really a situation where that would be beneficial.

 

We're going to talk more about it after our anavarsary (2-24), I guess I just wanted some perspective on the whole thing. We talked about it about a week ago, and agreed that we'd lay off the issue until then. He knows that it's very important to me.. And he has called me his wife in front of a few people. I know it's on his mind.

 

A baby is a big step. I think that once things are settled a little bit, then it will be easier to make that jump. It's a big step, and a legally binding contract, and I understand that makes a lot of guys feel a little sheepish about the subject.

 

Thanks for the feedback, and talk to you later!

[rude dude]

I know this might sound terrible, but it might be better if you give the baby your surname. Then if he doesn't marry you and you have to find another guy later on, it will be easier to change the baby's surname and also it may encourage your bf to marry you. If he does marry you after the baby is born then you could also change the baby's surname then. From a legal point of view this would be better for you and the baby if he is not willing to commit.

 

I believe that marriage is important especially if there are children, because that baby needs to know who its parents are. Of course you shoudln't get married just cause there is a baby, but if you are planning to remain together then it is better to seal it with marriage for a number of issues including insurance and medical care and so on.

 

However, since you only plan to marry in August, you shouold perhaps concentrate on the baby coming and how to deal with that and talk about marriage again when the baby is born and you have settled down a bit - baby's are a lot of work.

 

That is the worst idea I have ever heard. NO ONE CAN CHANGE A PERSONS NAME.....Once the baby has been named.......THATS IT. IT's IMMORAL

If you give him a baby and are a good mother and a good partner....then hey, maybe you got a shot at a ring.........give the baby your name and you just lost all hope. Thats his blood in your baby and no marriage(to antoher man) will change that.