She Doesn't Love Me Anymore, What do I do?

[High Contrast]

So painful to read. I can totally relate to what you're going through. I understand it all, I've been there.

 

And I see what mistakes you're making, I know why you're making them, and I know you won't listen to advice.

 

There's such a feeling of powerlessness right now. How someone can singlehandedly shake your world like that and there's nothing you can do about it. So you're doing what you can to retain a semblance of control over your destiny. I believe that is healthy, psychologically.

 

From the outside we can see she won't come back to you and if she does, that you shouldn't be with someone who plays with your head like that. Or whose love for you is so weak that it can be restored with a bit of nostalgia. But you can't see that now, and you're going to go through with your plan. I remember how important hope is.

 

I plan to discuss with her then whether we should date other people, whether we want to take it slow and start dating occasionally, whether she wants me back in the house, or whether I need to just leave and move on.

 

Where's the control over your destiny here? You're going to go and receive notice of her decision. She will sit there and decide what your future is. And you'll take whatever scraps of affection she doles out? Yuck!

 

I know the rollercoaster, my man. Every ten minutes is another emotion. You need a hug. And chocolate.

[whichwayisup]

You're welcome.

[HeartsJr]

Sorry to bother you again, but I needed some quick advice.

 

After much thought, some of the reply posts on here, and a particularly enlightening conversation with a friend of mine, I am possibly rethinking my plan. Instead of what I discussed before, I am contemplating inviting her over to where I am staying now on Christmas night.

 

This accomplishes a couple things: 1)It gets her off of her turf, she loses that power, and steps into my home field 2)It still gets us together on Christmas 3)Where I am staying is small and in may ways reminescent of my GSU dorms, which was the first place we ever slept and where she visited me for the first year of our relationship 4)It would something NEW for us, as opposed to the regular routine of life that may have contributed to some of the apathy towards the relationship.

 

Anyway, why this matters is because she called me again tonight to make sure I am safe. I still feel there are benefits of keeping all contact cut off, but it is starting to feel a bit gamey, and I imagine if I don't contact her soon, there is a thin line between worry and resentment for the fact that I am keeping her worried. Anyway, I was thinking I could send her a simple email telling her I am safe, and inviting her over here for Christmas.

 

What do you think?

Tommy

[trickynj99]

hi

 

i read your posts. my heart goes out to you...i'm married 14 yrs w/kids..

 

my wife says she doesnt love me anymore...i have tried everything, plotted, schemed, begged, ignored, vented, argued, seduced, gave gifts, etc etc

 

here is the thing...that stuff only works if she still loves you and she is playing games to get something...maybe i'm oversimplifying it...but for what its worth

if she still loves you and is playing games all this stuff you are doing has a good chance of getting you guys together..if not....it really doesnt matter that much what you do... this comes from 11 months of hell so its hard earned advice

 

good luck

[CaliGuy]

Send her something to this effect.

 

"Thanks for your concern, but I am doing fine."

 

That's it. Say nothing more. Don't leave her frantic about your whereabouts, that's not cool.

[In Sync]

HeartsJr

You don't like hearing harsh advise because that would simplify your dramatic situation. If someone doesn't love you, yes move on. There's no need to do all of these tricks and maneuvers. The longer you hang on, will not change a person or make her see what she will miss. Games are games. For kids. You are an adult. This is painful for all of us to lose someone we love. But at some point at the end of the day YOU have to decide what do I want. AND is all of this game playing accomplishing a goal. Grieve and work on yourself. You won't die if this relationship does not go the way YOU want. That's being an adult.

[CaliGuy]

I think in some ways you are on to something. There is about a fifty fifty chance you are right or wrong.

 

I'm guessing here, but I'm willing to bet I am more right than wrong.

 

Maybe it finally hit a breaking point where she couldnt anymore, but it wasn't like she was supporting me the whole time. I was able to pay rent for roughly 40% of the time I have lived there, and been able to pay date and living expenses for roughly 80% of the time.

 

If she is considering her future and perhaps doesn't see much in yours then she will start to contemplate if she wants to spend the rest of her life with you. That in turn can make her see you in a different light.

 

That said, I don't think this is THE reason, but it is A reason.

 

It might be a bigger reason than you think.

 

What other factors do you think would contribute to her falling out of love with you? I think perhaps your lifestyle is not one condusive to a long term relationship. Parties, clubs, etc - that all gets old after a while. Women look at men for the long term. "Will this man be a good husband, a good father and a good provider? Will he be able to take care of his kids? Will his career last? Will his career interfere with our relationship?"

 

Ask yourself these same questions. Put yourself in her shoes for a minute. Is there something else? Something that perhaps is contributing to the demise of the relationship besides your financial/career situation?

 

I certainly do live an interesting life now, from weekly hip-hop shows, breakdance battles, to punk rock shows, and she seems to enjoy every minute of it. She takes photos for the hip-hop event, and embraces all the music and everything.

 

Maybe she embraces it because of you, but have you ever asked her how she feels about your career choice? Have you ever asked her what her long term goals are? Do you both share the same dreams and desires?

 

It definitly is interesting, but the financial burden probably didnt help

 

In the eyes of a woman, having to be the main provider with all the responsibilities is not appealing in the long run.

[whichwayisup]

I think you should call her. An email is too non-personal, all things considering. And yes, there is worry and then worry out of concern for your safety. She still is human and has feelings, out of respect just for that sake, call her. Tell her what you'd like to do for Xmas and see how it goes.

 

I know you're being strong, but don't take it too far - You nailed it by mentioning resentment. There is a fine line between making a point, doing no contact and then pissing and worrying the other person off TOO much...

[Kenyth]

If she hasn't made it clear yet that she didn't really want you to go, I'd say it's probably over. Her interest level in you is minimal at best. Why don't you give her a call and find out for sure. You sure don't want to seem scared to talk to her, but make sure you let her do all the calling at this point. Make sure you sound like your social schedule is busy. Don't jump at the first night she want's to get together. Go out somewhere, don't bring her back to your place. Go for the kiss when you drop her off. You should get a response. If she turns her cheek or something, you'll know it's dead, so you might as well bury it.

 

Don't worry about resentment. It can only do you good to inspire a little emotion at this point. One of the biggest mistakes I've made in the past is always worrying about getting people mad. You don't want to be a complete a$$, but you don't have to cater to everyone either. She needs to feel a little anxiety. She's the one who initiated all this, so don't feel guilty, and don't soften the blow. You want to make sure and get her full attention, not make her comfortable. At this point, you're trying to raise her interest in you. You won't do that by doing the same things you've done before.

 

Inviting her to get together at Xmas isn't the smartest idea for you. Let her make the move. If she's really interested in you, she will.

 

I don't want to give you false hopes. This sounds like it's over, but giving it a last ditch effort won't hurt. I think you should get together with some friends or family for the holidays and start practicing a little flirting. Prepare for your divorce.