NC after getting back together

[grace2005]

I'd like to know how many of you think NC should ever be applied for awhile after the ex comes back? Doesn't absence make the heart grow founder and keep them missing you?? I've been back with my ex for about 4 weeks now. Haven't had any problems so far. We had a good visit over thanksgiving weekend. She called me twice yesterday. I felt it was unusual that she called me at 9:44pm in the evening when she usually calls after 11pm. That was a nice surprise. I've been letting her initiate most of the calls since we got back together.

[AltplanB]

How did you guys get back together? who initiated it? what were the issues and how did you resolve them. Did NC make you guys want each other back?

[Art_Critic]

Your back together ??

Was thanksgiving the last time you saw her ?

[grace2005]

How did you guys get back together? who initiated it? what were the issues and how did you resolve them. Did NC make you guys want each other back?

 

Well she initiated the break up and that lasted 2.5 months. I applied NC for 32 days. She initated getting back together 4 weeks ago. After that 32 day period we saw each other as friends for 2 visits and then at the night of the 2nd visit she wanted to try again. I have a lot of posts here from october about why we broke up in the 1st place. This was not the first time we broke up and got back together although each break up had a different reason for it (mostly my fault) but I fixed it.

 

The way I handled my anger and frustrations led to the last break up in late august. So now I'm getting help with anger management and learning patience and to cut her some slack if she does not give me the attention I crave.

 

The first time we broke up was in september of 2004 for a week because I was into cutting myself with a knife and that pushed her away. She had known about my cutting issues for over a year and tried showing me that I didn't really need to hurt myself that way but I was stubborn and would not listen and just kept cutting myself to deal with guilt or depression. So at that time she felt the break up was the last resort. Maybe she broke up with me as a psychological tactic to get me to go get help. I don't know. I still get the urge to cut myself when I'm under alot of emotional distress but I replace that by coming here to vent or talking a brisk walk, calling a friend, etc.

[CaliGuy]

I'd like to know how many of you think NC should ever be applied for awhile after the ex comes back? Doesn't absence make the heart grow founder and keep them missing you?? I've been back with my ex for about 4 weeks now. Haven't had any problems so far. We had a good visit over thanksgiving weekend. She called me twice yesterday. I felt it was unusual that she called me at 9:44pm in the evening when she usually calls after 11pm. That was a nice surprise. I've been letting her initiate most of the calls since we got back together.

 

A few thoughts.

 

Take it slow! Don't be in a rush.

Make sure you are confident in yourself.

Have activities outside of her that have your interest.

Hang out with friends.

Remember what caused the breakup in the first place and resolve to correct any personal issues within your power.

 

NC is a tool to allow you to heal, not get your Ex back. If they come back, it was because they realized they wanted to come back, not because you ignored them. Keeping that in mind, if you focus on the above suggestions it will greatly increase your chances of sustaining the relationship.

[grace2005]

Your back together ??

Was thanksgiving the last time you saw her ?

 

Yep. I usually saw her every other weekend before the break up and now that I'm resuming the relationship.

[grace2005]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=73165&page=2

 

My last post on this thread was on the night she took me back.

[J dub]

I know I've said this before but just to reiterate:

 

Perhaps what you mean is should you play hard to get when getting back together, because technically speaking and I know you will argue this but NC is a principle applied to those who are looking for strength to get over someone, not to punish them or use it as a mechanism to get them chasin you.

 

The way I see it, any relationship should really be more 50/50 than anything else. Women need to feel that they are desired and if you are restricting your calling her and whatnot, she is eventually going to be like "Alright do you love me or not because you seem really distant".

 

Just a female's perspective, not that you've ever taken anything I've said seriously before though

[grace2005]

<NC is a tool to allow you to heal, not get your Ex back. If they come back, it was because they realized they wanted to come back, not because you ignored them>

 

 

Not necessarily, we can't really be sure that our exs come back for the right reasons. I can't be certain she came back because she wanted to. She may be feeling guilty and think that she's atoning for her wrongdoings by re-dating me as a favor or maybe she just feels lonely and decided she would settle with me to escape any lonely feelings she has. If she felt any pressure to come back to me it was not from my end. I put no pressure on her at all to come back. God knows and only time will tell what her motives are.

 

So far it's been a month since we've gotten back together. I'm trying to be real cautious and not get comfortable with her and that's probably why I am playing hard to get early on. I don't want her to think that I have been dying and dreaming that this day would come. I do initiate phone calls but I make sure she's initiating 60-70% of the calls. After awhile I might drop it down to where it's 50% for both of us. Safe to say we only see each other 1-2 nights in a row every 2 weeks. So obviously we both have our separate lives during those 2 weeks.

 

I think not getting comfortable is a good thing. It means that I lost her before and I'm prepared for the worst case scenario (that I'll lose her forever). It may not happen next week, next month, or even next year. Being on guard will at least increase the chances of prolonging the relationship. I'm doing everything I can in my power. It's 50% dependent on me and 50% dependent on her. I have no control over her part in this only mine.

[J dub]

> I think not getting comfortable is a good thing. It means that I lost her before and I'm prepared for the worst case scenario (that I'll lose her forever).

 

You are worried about her leaving you and yet you have no reason to even be in that thinking mode. Why torture yourself with what if's?

 

>It may not happen next week, next month, or even next year.

 

Or perhaps not at all...

 

>Being on guard will at least increase the chances of prolonging the relationship.

 

And youre not allowing yourself to enjoy her either. Being too analytical and sensitive is going to prevent you from loving her the way she wants/deserves.

 

>I'm doing everything I can in my power.

 

To what, make it last? Please consider that there are no guarantees in ANY relationship regardless of if its new or not. At least if you love her with all you have, either it will work out or it wont. If it doesnt, you can brush yourself off by knowing that you gave it your all and theres nothing more you could do. By being overly cautious and guarded, you arent allowing yourself to fully experience and enjoy the relationship.

 

 

 

And I thought *I* was overanalyzing and being too guarded about being in this a second time around.

 

You need to just chill out and let things flow, for real.

[Art_Critic]

Not necessarily, we can't really be sure that our exs come back for the right reasons. I can't be certain she came back because she wanted to.

 

Spoken like someone who has not and refuses to move on..

[Art_Critic]

It's 50% dependent on me and 50% dependent on her.

 

Wrong.. it is 100% dependant on her.. anything you do makes it go to 110% and then 120%..

 

You are your own worst enemy right now..

 

Forget about her and forget about the games.. practice NC

 

which means No Contact.. it doesn't mean some contact..

 

Getting her back is easier if you just move on and really is the only way to really get her back

[grace2005]

Wrong.. it is 100% dependant on her.. anything you do makes it go to 110% and then 120%..

 

You are your own worst enemy right now..

 

Forget about her and forget about the games.. practice NC

 

which means No Contact.. it doesn't mean some contact..

 

Getting her back is easier if you just move on and really is the only way to really get her back

 

It does not seem like you have been following my threads for the past month. We have already gotten back together a month ago. Now that she has come back the relationship lasting is 50% dependent on me and 50% dependent on her. Now that she's back I also have a choice in the matter of staying in the relationship or dumping her. While we were on the break I didn't have that choice. It was already made for me by her.

[Art_Critic]

Forgive me for not reading the last months worth of your posts..I was on an LS reprive

 

If you are back together why are you playing the game with who iniates a phone call ? seems silly to me..

Is it so fragile that games must be played ?

[grace2005]

I just got home from her house tonight. Have not had any problems. Christmas night is the next time I'm going over there. I have marked it down on my calendar. We'll see what happens. I'm trying to be realistic about this!

[grace2005]

Forgive me for not reading the last months worth of your posts..I was on an LS reprive

 

If you are back together why are you playing the game with who iniates a phone call ? seems silly to me..

Is it so fragile that games must be played ?

 

 

I don't see how it's a game. I see it as taking it slow and not pushing my luck. Just because she took me back that does not give me the license to go back to calling everyday. Besides that I'm slowly getting the calls back to 50-50% Right now she's calling me at 65-70% so that puts me at 30-35% for now. I legitamately do have my own life during the two weeks we are not spending time together. Besides working, I do re-recreational reading, hanging out with friends at church, bowling allies, restaraunts. I have alot of books I'm catching up on.

[freckles3131]

I don't see how it's a game. I see it as taking it slow and not pushing my luck. Just because she took me back that does not give me the license to go back to calling everyday. Besides that I'm slowly getting the calls back to 50-50% Right now she's calling me at 65-70% so that puts me at 30-35% for now. I legitamately do have my own life during the two weeks we are not spending time together. Besides working, I do re-recreational reading, hanging out with friends at church, bowling allies, restaraunts. I have alot of books I'm catching up on.

 

I agree. I am in the same boat. I was hurt in the past by my ex. He pursued me this time(after n/c) and asked me back. I am on week 2. I think it's a matter of not getting all "ga-ga" as in the past. Taking it slow, as you would if you were dating someone totally new. I mean, if I was in the beginning stages of ANY relationship I would be aware of how much I was calling/pursuing/initiating time spent. I wouldn't want to go overboard in the beginning stages, regardless of with whom. I would not go into calling someone every day mode with someone new, or...a second chance. This is a fragile time....for both parties....even better for the dumpee who is stepping back into it to take it sloooowww and keep things in check until both parties are feeling at ease....plus, if we don't concern ourselves with the amt. of contact we could push the person away by being too "pushy"/"needy" or by not taking it slow. (again, as with anyone I would be dating....what's the rush? Get re-aquainted, don't obsess, keep living YOUR life, all of that. And it seems like Grace is on track.....how many people on here get there second chance and go in all "gung-ho" and calling at every whim only to say, "it overwhelmed their ex/second chance and they opened their heart up totally way too soon?

[grace2005]

I agree. I am in the same boat. I was hurt in the past by my ex. He pursued me this time(after n/c) and asked me back. I am on week 2. I think it's a matter of not getting all "ga-ga" as in the past. Taking it slow, as you would if you were dating someone totally new. I mean, if I was in the beginning stages of ANY relationship I would be aware of how much I was calling/pursuing/initiating time spent. I wouldn't want to go overboard in the beginning stages, regardless of with whom. I would not go into calling someone every day mode with someone new, or...a second chance. This is a fragile time....for both parties....even better for the dumpee who is stepping back into it to take it sloooowww and keep things in check until both parties are feeling at ease....plus, if we don't concern ourselves with the amt. of contact we could push the person away by being too "pushy"/"needy" or by not taking it slow. (again, as with anyone I would be dating....what's the rush? Get re-aquainted, don't obsess, keep living YOUR life, all of that. And it seems like Grace is on track.....how many people on here get there second chance and go in all "gung-ho" and calling at every whim only to say, "it overwhelmed their ex/second chance and they opened their heart up totally way too soon?

 

 

I'm glad you see my point. Now I'm kicking myself in the pants for kissing her too soon. I'm going to cut out kissing for awhile. We had a little spat over thanksgiving weekend because I wanted to sleep on the couch instead of sleeping with her in the bed. I told her that it is not like it's the first time I slept on her couch. If she tries to kiss me next time I will pull away. You are right there is no need to rush things. If she really wanted me back then she would be understanding about the boundaries I'm setting up. This will be the test to see if she came back for the right reasons or if she is just using me for sexual needs until she finds someone better.

[grace2005]

She has a higher sex drive than me. Or should I say she has more energy for sex than I do. I'm usually the one who falls asleep during sex anyway.

[J dub]

I Dont know why I am posting because you never listen to what anyone has to say on here anyway...but I am going to try anyway.

 

>Now I'm kicking myself in the pants for kissing her too soon.

 

How long did you want to wait? You waited just fine, holding off too much is going to drag things out and make her wonder what your intentions are.

 

>I'm going to cut out kissing for awhile.

 

She's going to think you dont love her/find her attractive any longer.

 

>We had a little spat over thanksgiving weekend because I wanted to sleep on the couch instead of sleeping with her in the bed.

 

PErhaps she ALREADY thinks you dont love her. God if my bf was like, I cant sleep in the same bed, I'd think I was dirty or something.

 

>If she tries to kiss me next time I will pull away.

 

She is DEFINITELY going to start wondering about why she got back together with you if youre monitoring your amount of phone calls, refusing to kiss her or sleep in the same bed, etc. Females need reassurance...its in our nature to want to feel loved/desired. Hell, who doesnt? Youre going to be insulting her with these actions. I smell a fight around the corner if you actually do these things as you say you will.

 

>You are right there is no need to rush things.

 

No, but life is too short to dangle the carrot for too long.

 

> If she really wanted me back then she would be understanding about the boundaries I'm setting up.

 

Would she? I think they are unreasonable and are going to scare her away.

 

I'm sure youre all "Oh I know her better than any of you" but seriously, PLEASE RECONSIDER THIS.

 

>This will be the test to see if she came back for the right reasons or if she is just using me for sexual needs until she finds someone better.

 

Youre not doing anyone a favor by thinking she may just be hanging out with you until she finds someone better. You could think this if you were with someone brand new as well, you realize that right? Maybe shes not using you at all, maybe shes just very attracted to you and loves you so much she cant help herself. Maybe she just needs to be loved in return. You are depriving her my friend, and it is going to backfire. I will put $ on it.

 

>I'm usually the one who falls asleep during sex anyway.

 

This is a perfect example of why she is going to conclude youre not into her. LOOK AT YOUR ACTIONS HERE, they SCREAM signs of neglect.

[grace2005]

Women don't like to be smothered either. I am proving that I am emotionally independent and don't need her in my life. Women are not attracted to needy men.

[J dub]

There is a massively huge difference in showing your love, and being needy.

 

Being needy = demanding to know their every move all the time

needy = crying when they want to go out

needy = acting like a child when you dont get the way you want

needy = not having your own life and making theirs, yours.

 

showing love = understanding they need some time to theirselves

love = attraction and passion

 

Women dont like needy, thats correct. But youre being overly obsessed with the minute details like amount of phone calls and kissing. I mean it when I say, you are not emitting the confidence you think you are when you restrict like this, you are acting too reserved and scared to let the walls down and just LOVE her.

 

Thats fine if you want to write this off as some username giving you nonsense advice, but I am a woman and I am telling you, we need to see that desire in your eyes. We need the reassurance that you LOVE us, that you NEED us, that you WANT us.

 

Selectively "allowing" us access to these things is depriving and controlling.

[grace2005]

Needing and wanting are 2 different things. Women say they don't need a man but that they want one. It's the same way men should be. It should not be a double standard.

[grace2005]

Furthermore, love is an ACTION word. Not a feeling. The passion feelings alone are not love. I do understand that women need time to themselves. That's one reason I let her initiate most of the calls. I never ignore the calls anymore. I always pick up.

[grace2005]

<I Dont know why I am posting because you never listen to what anyone has to say on here anyway...but I am going to try anyway.>

 

Contemplating applying NC with my threads then??