women ending marriages

[scobro]

Is it true that when most women end their marriages there is 99% of the time someone else invoved?Not including abusive relationships.

[seachange]

what kind of someone else? OW or OM? or do you just mean, do most marriages end due to affairs?

[scobro]

what kind of someone else? OW or OM? or do you just mean, do most marriages end due to affairs?

 

When a women descides to leave is it to be with someone else who is waiting for her to end things.I keep reading most women will want to save their marriage than just walk but if they have found someone else or had an affair it is easier for them to leave.

[reader]

Scobro,

 

I'll help you, you help me. Check my response/question on "just for the guys"

 

Ok, I left my first marriage and did not have someone lined up. I was heartbroken, but it had to be done. I had offers, but was such a basketcase and felt so terrible about the whole thing that I couldn't even think about getting someone lined up.

 

I went to counseling and the counselor told me most people have someone lined up before they leave, and he said that is the wrong way to go.

 

I will tell you, Scobro, it takes a lot of strength to not get someone lined up. I know this might not be what you want to hear. I'm sorry.

[Art_Critic]

Why is it that some people believe women have to have an affair to leave a marriage ?

 

Can't a woman just not love someone or not want to be married ?

[Outcast]

Is it true that when most women end their marriages there is 99% of the time someone else invoved?

 

No. Don't know what your source is but no. People I know who left just got fed up of situations which were terrible and showed no hope of changing for the better.

[whichwayisup]

Why is it that some people believe women have to have an affair to leave a marriage ?

 

Can't a woman just not love someone or not want to be married ?

 

I was thinking the same thing...This question kinda reminds me of the one always asked about MM leaving/not leaving their wives for the OW...

 

Marriages end. Doesn't always involve someone else. Sometimes people don't get along, or find out later in life they do love the person they're married to but don't like them and don't enjoy spending time with them. It's better to end it, as painful as it is for the spouse - I would rather want my marriage to end because of unhappiness in general than stay with someone who didn't really love me. That just sucks!

 

You can love someone and really dislike them at the same time. Love is an emotion too, like is whole nother story...

[dgiirl]

i dont think it really matters if there's someone else lined up or not... if your relationship was strong and healthy, it wouldnt make a difference if there was someone else or not cos you'd be together. people want to blame the ow/om for the breakdown of the marriage, but in reality they're the LAST straw. sure it hurts like hell to find out they were having an affair, but i'm a much better person than to give this tramp another look. she's meaningless in my book and he deserves her and her him.

[Shanna]

NO NO NO Women don't line up a new guy before she calls it quits with her marriage. That's even silly to say.

 

Things change, people change, feelings change.. Why should a women or a man stay in a realtionship that they are unhappy with? I will never understand that. But maybe some cases there is another .. but that goes back to the OM OW, saga so..

[Mz. Pixie]

I think there is some truth to this.

 

I'm my sitch- I had the affair and it was over before I left my husband. I did not leave him for the other guy.

 

I met someone after I separated but my exhusband never believed I met him afterwards.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I'm not sure of what the statistics say regarding percentages, but I did read somewhere that a woman will usually begin detaching herself emotionally from her relationship years before she finds the courage to physically exit. And once she's gone, it's pretty much a done deal because she's already worked through the grieving process and 'letting go' part before she's left.

 

I think that most accurately describes the process for me. No other man or relationship waiting in the wings. Just plain burn-out and fatigue. And sometimes you don't even realize how bad things are until you're finally on your own and able to breath…sometimes for the first time in years. And I think it's this sense of relief and renewed independence that actually keeps some women from even entertaining the idea of tethering herself to another relationship. At least not for a very long time.

 

I have four girlfriends who have exited unhappy marriages. Neither of them left for another man, with the exception of my sister. But I'm not sure if this would serve as a fair representation of the actual percentages.

 

Come to think of it, I'm wondering if this means the percentage of women leaving marriages (or filing for divorce) is actually higher than men?

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm not sure of what the statistics say regarding percentages, but I did read somewhere that a woman will usually begin detaching herself emotionally from her relationship years before she finds the courage to physically exit. And once she's gone, it's pretty much a done deal because she's already worked through the grieving process and 'letting go' part before she's left

 

Yes, this was pretty much my experience.

 

From what I've read- when the woman stops complaining about the things her husband doesn't do that she wants is when she starts detaching. The man thinks "Wow my wife is so happy- she's finally not nagging me" and the woman is past nagging and ready to get out.

 

My exhusband kept saying I was leaving him for another man. I said, "No, I'm leaving you for ME" Looking back, that's still true.

[on the edge]

Is it true that when most women end their marriages there is 99% of the time someone else invoved?Not including abusive relationships.

 

Not for me...

 

I've actually been married twice and ended both marriages. One because of alcohol/drug addiction and the other because of affairs. It was still very hard despite the problems that were there....but neither one wanted counseling, etc. and I felt no other way out.

I would love more than anything to be with that special someone to share life with, but with two failed marriages...I really question my own perception/judgement/trust. One divorce was devastating enough, but two? I really thought I was going to go over the edge....

[basscatcher]

I didn't leave my XH for another man.

I did have a brief affair with my co-worker but was only a few months and I ended it.

I walked out on my marriage because I had enough of the abuse, lies, permiscus activity (him), drinking, drugs, neglect, arguing.

He threw me to the floor, pinned me down, yelled in my ears till I couldn't hear anymore, through across the room onto the bed from the door then dragged my body up a flight of stairs (I was not on my feet) and threw towards the door where I landed in a heap on the floor with my breath knocked out of me.

All because I asked him to spend time with his son and me instead of running around partying all hours of the night and coming home at 6am.

I had enough. 11 1/2 years was all I could take. I needed time alone after I left. I wasn't ready for another man in my life..

I walked without anyone on the sidelines.

Without plan--4 months after I left I did rekindle the romance with the man I had the affair with. He heard from a mutual friend I had left my husband and he harrassed me for 2 months to see me. I gave in and spent 4 1/2 years with him. I walked on that relationship too. Thank God I didn't marry him...

[Outcast]

I think in a lot of cases, the woman has 'checked out' of the marriage long ago but allows inertia to keep her physically in the relationship. Then some guy comes along who provides the impetus for her to actually exit the relationship she had long since given up on.

[seachange]

That's true, Outcast. Actually it's true of men, too. In fact, it's classed as a particular type of affair, the 'Exit Affair', in some surviving-infidelity-type support circles.

[Art_Critic]

I walked out on my marriage because I had enough of the abuse, lies, permiscus activity (him), drinking, drugs, neglect, arguing.

He threw me to the floor, pinned me down, yelled in my ears till I couldn't hear anymore, through across the room onto the bed from the door then dragged my body up a flight of stairs (I was not on my feet) and threw towards the door where I landed in a heap on the floor with my breath knocked out of me.

 

Pada.. my heart goes out to you.. whenever I read one of your XH posts they make me want to puke..

It is nice that you can post about it instead of internalizing it..

[Becoming]

I read somewhere--I think it was the Gottman Institute work--that women leave men more than vice versa and that the #1 reason was emotional neglect. Any affair is just trying to get emotional needs met. Of course, there are always exceptions.

[Woggle]

Women leave for any old reason. You can't predict it and there is nothing a man can do to prevent it. Marrying the right woman can lessen the odds. Honestly this is why I take somewhat of a detached approach towards women. You never know when they will just walk out. Don't get me wrong I love my woman but if she walked out oh well. I refuse to cry over a woman.

[basscatcher]

Pada.. my heart goes out to you.. whenever I read one of your XH posts they make me want to puke..

It is nice that you can post about it instead of internalizing it..

I am but many women who have endured this kind of treatment and what I endured isn't as bad as some.. I have been divorced for 8 years and I'm very grateful I found the strength my mother instilled in me and my trust in God to walk.

 

 

OUTCAST--I think in a lot of cases, the woman has 'checked out' of the marriage long ago but allows inertia to keep her physically in the relationship. Then some guy comes along who provides the impetus for her to actually exit the relationship she had long since given up on.

This is very true.

My emotions exited the relationship 6 1/2 years prior to my walking. I stayed and endured because I didn't want my son to be without a his father in his life and also I am a cradle catholic and in the old days of the church it was taboo to leave your husband and divorce him.

One of my thereapists said to me exactly what you are saying..

I didn't exit my marriage because of another man though. The other man taught me how it felt to be touched and treated nicely. I had forgotten what it was like to be treated so sweetly.

It reminded me of what I wanted and needed in a relationship and what I was living wasn't right or what I wanted.

[Mz. Pixie]

Women leave for any old reason. You can't predict it and there is nothing a man can do to prevent it. Marrying the right woman can lessen the odds. Honestly this is why I take somewhat of a detached approach towards women. You never know when they will just walk out. Don't get me wrong I love my woman but if she walked out oh well. I refuse to cry over a woman.

 

Woggle, just when I think you're recovering you go and say something this uninformed.

 

I guarantee you that there was something my exhusband could have done to keep me at home and faithful. He just didn't choose to do it.

 

There are certainly cases where the people involved do all they can do and end up losing their spouses but this is the exception rather than the rule.

[Lil Honey]

I'm not sure of what the statistics say regarding percentages, but I did read somewhere that a woman will usually begin detaching herself emotionally from her relationship years before she finds the courage to physically exit. And once she's gone, it's pretty much a done deal because she's already worked through the grieving process and 'letting go' part before she's left.

 

Excellent post - and my experience as well.

[Natalie05]

I ended my marriage because my emotional needs were not being met. And my physical needs were not being met because he was spending all his time looking at porn.

 

I said "adios" in search of a man who could meet my needs - I didn't have anyone "lined up".

[Woggle]

Woggle, just when I think you're recovering you go and say something this uninformed.

 

I guarantee you that there was something my exhusband could have done to keep me at home and faithful. He just didn't choose to do it.

 

There are certainly cases where the people involved do all they can do and end up losing their spouses but this is the exception rather than the rule.

 

Look I love my girlfriend and when I love somebody I love for real but if she decides to walk out so be it. I refuse to cry over her or any woman. If she is worth crying over she won't make me cry in the first place.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm not taking points with that.

 

Life is not so cut and dry. You can think you married the right person and still end up divorced!!

 

Also, in most cases, they don't just leave for any little reason. Do you think a woman turns her children's lives upside down just about any little reason??

 

It takes ALOT of courage for many women to leave when their marriages are not working, and for you to act like it's something done on a whim is insulting.