friendship question for women

[seachange]

Fata , very good post , and I agree 100% why would you write off half the human population for friendship just because they were of the opposite sex.And MEN , would you write off the women as friends?

 

But you guys, I know I'm totally harping on this, but I also don't really get why you'd write off half the human population for friendship just because they're of the same sex...?

[FataMorgana]

But you guys, I know I'm totally harping on this, but I also don't really get why you'd write off half the human population for friendship just because they're of the same sex...?

 

I never said I would, I have just as many good girl friends as guy friends. As I was saying before, it's more about the person, if they are interesting and you click with them, that is all that matters to me, irrespective of what sex they are.

[Yamaha]

If your involved or married it's much easier to form friendships. Single people usually don't go out looking to form opposite sex friendships. Sometimes they happen by association but I don't think I have looked at a women and thought, " she would make a good friend ". I assume it is the same for women.

[lilmoma1973]

 

Yahama i will tell you my story about a guy i was friends with and didn't want nothing more than that!! He knew from the time we became friends that is all it could be .. I was going through a breakup with a my first love at least i thought it was love guess it wasn't maybe it was lust or infatuation.. I had been dating my ex about 2 yrs and then became friends with this guy through a mutual friend!!! We went to parties together and hung out together he would pick me up from work was his choice i had a way .. We was friends only and thats all i wanted and then he tried to pursue me ..I told him I was flattered and he was a nice guy but I didn't like him that way!!! I seen him more or less like a brother he was a really nice guy friend .. One night we went out together and he had to go pick someone up and when he did i met the love of my life my h and the rest was history!!

 

 

My guy friend was furious with his friend for taking me but he knew that things were on a friendship basis and he stopped talking with my now h .. My h and i wasn't looking for a relationship at all been almost a yr for me since i had broken up with my ex and he had just gotten out a bad relationship with his ex they had a kid together she was cheating on him.. We became friends and he came around more and more and i couldn't resist!! I am so glad that i never got with my guy friend he couldn't keep his zipper up !! He was having babies with everybody and now has 4 kids and they are by different women except one that is with his wife now!! We still talk now but i look at it as everything happens for a reason !! If he hadn't came into my life then i never would have met my H and had a beautiful daughter and talented ss !!

[Yamaha]

he tried to pursue me

 

Then he never looked at you as just a friend. His motives were romantic and you knew this but basically told him it wasn't happening. I understand this but my question is, do women ever look at a guy and see friendship qualities about them and befriend them or does the friendship happen because:

 

1. the guy/girl is to chicken to pursue more

2. he/she accepts the friendship because nothing more will happen

3. he/she is not physically attracted

4. The guy/girl is older so friendship can evolve

5. they see things in them that wouldn't work in a relationship

6. the guy/girl is married/attached

7. the guy's/girl's feelings changed as they got comfortable with each other

 

I guess I just don't see a reason where someone just wanted a friendship without any other extenuating circumstances. Can anyone give me any other examples that they can think of in this regard?

 

Is there such a thing as a "pure" friendship?

[witabix]

.............

so to answer your question, maybe I am weird but I have done it quite a few times in my life and still do, why would you cut out half of the population just because they happen to be the opposite sex to you, even if they don't want to have sex with you?

 

Felt I had to respond this question, from a purely personal point of view.

 

As a young man I had a ton of female friends, and went from dating one to dating another, even went between sisters at one point.

 

I met a girl, who I eventually married and divorced. She warned me that she had a lot of male friends, I said cool, I have a lot of female friends too. She then started to flip out when we would go to parties or bars, asking me how many of my exes were there, even if there weren't any!

 

The next LTR was with a woman who said she wasn't the jealous type, she proceeded to point out who she thought fancied me among my friends, a lower level of jealousy, but nevertheless jealousy.

 

This has left me avoiding the company/friendship of women because I felt (note past tense) that I was somehow being disrespectful to my SO's based on their reactions. It has been many years now since I had a "female friend", my choice, as I foolishly thought that I was doing something to alleviate the discomfort my SO's had with my level of "friendship" with my female friends. I never cheated on any one at any time ever emotionally or physically, I had offers but always steadfastly refused to act on them. My morals would not allow me to do this.

 

Now I am seeing a woman who also warned me that if I see her out with another guy that I am not to worry. Turns out there is only one guy who I am likely to see her with. Ok, I think, about time I decided to be my old self again. I met a girl I know in college, she lives in the same town as me and she offered me a lift to and from college. We know each other and I know her SO. We get along really well, share the same sense of humour etc.

 

I was in bed with my g/f when she asked me if my lift and I text each other much, added to this were other teasy type comments. I said no, as we don't. But the alarm bells started ringing again.

 

This whole friendship thing is a major minefield to me. My experiences have turned me into more of a cynic on this topic than any other. It seems to me that the women I know/knew where very happy to display their friendship with men and even conduct them on a one to one dating basis, but any woman who displays any kind of interest in me is seen as unacceptable. I now even get told when women I don't know are checking me out!!

 

I have been the subject of double standards on this issue, I find it very confusing. They seem happy to have their male friends and see them when they want, even arranging dates with them, but I am under suspicion if I get a regular lift from an acquaintance to college, even though its only a convenient thing to do!

 

I will not however compromise friendships with women any more because of this double standard. This does not nor does it mean to apply to ALL women, only the ones I have known.

[Art_Critic]

. But the alarm bells started ringing again.

 

How true.. when a conversation about ex's and a SO happens and they tell you it is nothing to worry about .. It is..

 

and the double standard does exist.. Listen to your red flags..

[lilmoma1973]

Then he never looked at you as just a friend. His motives were romantic and you knew this but basically told him it wasn't happening. I understand this but my question is, do women ever look at a guy and see friendship qualities about them and befriend them or does the friendship happen because:

 

1. the guy/girl is to chicken to pursue more

2. he/she accepts the friendship because nothing more will happen

3. he/she is not physically attracted

4. The guy/girl is older so friendship can evolve

5. they see things in them that wouldn't work in a relationship

6. the guy/girl is married/attached

7. the guy's/girl's feelings changed as they got comfortable with each other

 

I guess I just don't see a reason where someone just wanted a friendship without any other extenuating circumstances. Can anyone give me any other examples that they can think of in this regard?

 

Is there such a thing as a "pure" friendship?

 

Yes there is such a thing as pure friendship .. i had alot of guy friends in school that i didn't have anything with romantically and all we did was hang out and party!!

[loony]

witabix, I think the problem is, a woman who has a lot of guy friends is not really in a similar situation as a guy who has a lot of female friends. You might believe that the two situations are the same just with reverse roles, but I don't think this is really the case. A woman will naturally attract men and if she wants to have male friends, she can have them. She'll know that they probably find her attractive and that's why they're swarming around her. Most of the time you can bet that her guy friends don't have a lot of other female friends... A guy on the other hand who has a lot of female friends has something that women like, he's a good listener, he's sensitive, he's a nice sweet person. If your girlfriend sees you with another woman she will have good reasons to believe that his woman in fact does like you for who you are, she might consider you relationship material, while on the other hand your girlfriend might not consider her male friends as relationship material at all. The situation between a woman and all her male friends is just not the same as for a guy with a lot of female friends.

 

And I think some women feel a little bit more motivated to go after a man when she sees him happy with someone else (and who might be more attractive than herself which raises the guy's value).

[tinktronik]

But you guys, I know I'm totally harping on this, but I also don't really get why you'd write off half the human population for friendship just because they're of the same sex...?

 

Sea , I dont write them off as friends.Just dont stumble on to many Id like as friends.

[seachange]

ok, I gotcha - and BTW, I didn't mean to make such a deal out of it. sorry bout that.

 

friends: men or women, it's just good to have 'em.

[FataMorgana]

 

friends: men or women, it's just good to have 'em.

 

yeay. great post ...being fortunate enough to find them and recognise them for what they are is hard enough and sometimes takes effort to mantain a good frienship, need to be flexible and organised, but if you have, they are the best thing in life ...in my opinion anyway.

[mopar crazy]

Every time I met a guy I just wanted to be friends w/ they always wanted something more. There was never a guy that agreed we would just be friends and nothing more. Now that was b4 I got M of course. Now I have guy friends b/c I'm friends w/ their W's or GF.

[FataMorgana]

I have been the subject of double standards on this issue, I find it very confusing. They seem happy to have their male friends and see them when they want, even arranging dates with them, but I am under suspicion if I get a regular lift from an acquaintance to college, even though its only a convenient thing to do!

 

I will not however compromise friendships with women any more because of this double standard. This does not nor does it mean to apply to ALL women, only the ones I have known.

 

sorry to hear about your experiences. It doesn't sound very fair, maybe as you say, got burned a few too many times

 

I am happy for my SO to pursue his female friendships cause I know that's all they are. And I would never consider a realtionship with someone who wouldn't let me pursue mine. But he's always invited to come along and I am always totally open about it...

[LoveApple]

Most of my male friendships (I'm female!) have just started out spontaneously, but if I did meet a guy I thought had good qualities, I'd attempt to get to know him better. Traits like this would include confidence, happiness (seen smiling, laughing, etc), friendliness etc.

[seachange]

It's funny that the general sentiment on this thread is the opposite of the general sentiment on the parallel thread Yamaha started, asking guys the same question.

 

I don't have any conclusions about it, but I think it's interesting.

[basscatcher]

I have never had any kind of relationship with a man that was purely just friendship. I have always ended up attracted to something in them or they to me.

I have NEVER had a male friend where we could hang out just as friends. I have had men who were associate type friends but none I just hung out with or planned doing anything with like I do my GFs.

Even if I am not instantly attracted to a guy I find myself falling for him because of who he is and how he treats me so I don't know if I could have a man just as a friend.

I've had guys that wanted me as a friend ONLY but I can't. I make it clear that I can't JUST be friends when I find myself attracted to him. I can have associates I can joke with and chat with when we bump into one another or hang out in a group but thats it.

I think I am just too relationship oriented and I want that dream of man/woman relationship that ends up married, with children, happy life together till death do us part... hahah:lmao: Sounds to good to be true.

I've got the CINDERELLA complex.....

 

I wish I had the ability to look at a man as just a friend with no attraction to him what-so-ever. It would be great to be able to have that male persona I can learn from but it's been impossible for me this far in life so I don't think its possible for me. (could be also I know he is a MAN --he has something between his legs that I don't and that makes him attractive.--gosh that sounds bad...!!) I don't know. I can't figure out why I can't have a man in my life and view him as JUST A FRIEND.. Anyone have any ideas on this?

[witabix]

sorry to hear about your experiences. It doesn't sound very fair, maybe as you say, got burned a few too many times

 

Thats my total annoyance FataMorgana, it is not fair. However loony cast some light on it..

 

witabix, I think the problem is, a woman who has a lot of guy friends is not really in a similar situation as a guy who has a lot of female friends. You might believe that the two situations are the same just with reverse roles, but I don't think this is really the case. A woman will naturally attract men and if she wants to have male friends, she can have them. She'll know that they probably find her attractive and that's why they're swarming around her. Most of the time you can bet that her guy friends don't have a lot of other female friends... A guy on the other hand who has a lot of female friends has something that women like, he's a good listener, he's sensitive, he's a nice sweet person. If your girlfriend sees you with another woman she will have good reasons to believe that his woman in fact does like you for who you are, she might consider you relationship material, while on the other hand your girlfriend might not consider her male friends as relationship material at all. The situation between a woman and all her male friends is just not the same as for a guy with a lot of female friends.

 

And I think some women feel a little bit more motivated to go after a man when she sees him happy with someone else (and who might be more attractive than herself which raises the guy's value).

 

1. a woman who has a lot of guy friends is not really in a similar situation as a guy who has a lot of female friends

 

You are right, I do not believe this to be true.

 

2. A woman will naturally attract men and if she wants to have male friends, she can have them

 

I agree, it should be the same for men who naturally attract females. Some are capable of that.

 

3. Most of the time you can bet that her guy friends don't have a lot of other female friends..

 

What? I have a lot of female friends.

 

4. The situation between a woman and all her male friends is just not the same as for a guy with a lot of female friends

 

How is that true, these are male friends, I am a male. I have female friends?

 

5. And I think some women feel a little bit more motivated to go after a man when she sees him happy with someone else (and who might be more attractive than herself which raises the guy's value).

 

And this is not true of men?

 

Ok my situation is not representative of the whole world, I do not believe all women are the same, this is my experience seen through my eyes.

 

This particular topic is an issue in my current relationship. It is far worse now than it has ever been previously. I do not suffer from Paranoid Delusion, nor Delusional Jealousy.

 

How does this actual scenario sound to you?

 

Wednesday,

Boyfriend "Can I see you say this Friday?"

Girlfriend "Oh I never know what I am doing from one day to the next, I'll text you and let you know"

Boyfriend "Ok no problem, I will await your text"

Text comes at maybe eight or nine, see you later about ten thirty. Midnight is close when she arrives. This is a regular occurence, I know she is busy and has a hectic schedule. But has gone on for over a year.

 

Whilst the year passes she makes arrangements with her guy friend, timed events, planned weeks in advance, but he is just a friend. I have never met this friend even though they have had lunch in a bar not twenty yards from my apartment, she was with me when she went to this date, on time. I thought she could have said come along and meet my friend *******. But nope. Not even a suggestion.

 

I blew it out last weekend and pointed this out to her, if I were asking a female out on dates that she did not know and had never met how would she feel. If a female were asking me out on dates that she had never met how would she feel. She accepted my point of view. I want to believe that there is nothing in it, but those bloody alarm bells won't stop ringing. I insisted that the next time he asks her out I want to be there to meet this guy. I think her face was a mixed set emotions. She has been off work sick since then, don't know if there is a link. I will greatly interested in what transpires next.

 

Male friends are different, nope, females might fancy me, well maybe, I hope so, males will fancy her, of course. Even treatment, I don't seem to get any.

 

This my personal issue here and I apologize if its off thread.