I broke up with her, but I miss her and I wish I loved her

[Frustrated_in_LA]

Hi all,

 

I just broke up with my girlfriend- it had been coming- I had been unhappy for some time and we both knew it. It started with a lot of promise, we had a great time and slowly I started realizing that I was unsatisfied and that the feeling was growing stronger rather than weaker.

 

I finally spoke up, actually broke up. But immediately we gave it a second chance and tried to make it work. Since then, I realized that, while I do love her, I just don't love her the way I want to and, though she is aboslutely wonderful, I can't shake the feeling that she isn't right for me. Despite this feeling that it was the right thing to do, I still miss her hair, and talking with her, and just having her in my life. I am angry and frustrated with myself for not being able to really fall in love with her, for feeling unsatisfied, with a perfectly amazing woman.

 

I have always fallen for creeps in the past and this woman was everything but. I hate that I seem to be wired in this f**ed up way.

 

Two questions:

 

I want to be friends, so does she, and we said we wouldn't be in contact for a while in order to make the transition. But, this morning she sent me a message and I responded. I know I shouldn't tell her about my heartache- after all - I am the one with the problem in the relationship - the last thing I need to do is ask HER to console ME. But, I want her to feel ok to tell me what she needs to tell me if and when she wants to. I don't want her to think I don't want to hear from her, because I do. Should I let her be in touch with me? I won't ask anything of her, and if she wants to not to be in touch, I would understand. I know she loves me, i'm not looking for evidence of that. I simply want to be helpful to her if I can be and I don't want to block her out if doing so woudl be hurtful to her.

 

Also, what the f** is wrong with me that I don't love this woman?? How do I figure this out? How can I see how amazing she is, and know that she loves me, and still be unsatisfied to the point of needing to end it? And I had to end it- I couldn't keep seeing her face register dissapointment whenever she realized I wasn't 100% with her. I had to stop pretending there wasn't anything the matter- we could both see there was. How can I miss her and wish I was in love with her at the same time knowing that I'm not and that isn't going to change?

 

Thanks for any response.

[fatcat]

There's Not Such Thing As Friends When A Relationship Like That Ends.

Move On And Have A Great Upcoming Holiday. Your Gut Instinct Has Done Well, Grasshopper.

[omegaRED]

You either love her, or you dont. You can`t force yourself to love her, don`t beat yourself up over it. It happens. It means that she, while in your opinnion perfect for you, is not the one.

 

Love comes naturally. It cannot be forced.

[fomerlyniceguy]

You seem like you are honest about your feelings, so don't beat yourself up over it. Give her time to move on and then in time maybe the friend thing can happen. It seems like you want to tell her all of these things, but while unburdening yourself sounds good to you it probably would make things worse for her. If she asks that is one thing, but I would keep it to yourself otherwise. I would bet in time though she will want to know. I would take some time to define what you are looking for in a woman, truth is you may very well not be ready for that kind of commitment. Missing someone is a feeling and sometimes we have to realize we have to let some feelings go, and let things play out like they are suppose to. I miss my stbxw but I know I have to let that go for now, because no matter how hard I work at it, nothing will happen. We have to do our best at managing our feelings and doing what is best.

[riobikini]

You say you have always fallen for (in your own words) 'Creeps'....do you feel as if you are not worthy of this 'amazing' woman?????

 

Get back with us on that one.

[JayKay]

I was in a similar situation in my mid twenties. I met this GREAT guy. I just never felt like I loved him 'that way' though...

 

It was so hard! I'd dated a lot of numbskulls and here was this intelligent, good-looking guy who not only got my sense of humour and sense of values but LOVED them.

 

We tried off and on for about two years, but the terrible gut feeling I had just wouldn't go away. I felt like if I stayed with him I was 'settling' , even though he was terrific!

 

I think that feeling of 'right-ness' is either there or it isn't. You can't force yourself to fall in love with someone. If you want to be in love, you will always feel empty when you're with someone who doesn't give you that feeling. And you feel so guilty when you realize you're hurting them....

 

You did the right thing. Yes, it's normal to miss someone who was a large part of your life. But the mature thing to do is to let her go if you don't love her.

[seachange]

Hi frustrated. I can't really answer your second question - why you don't love her, because I'm too busy identifying with your girlfriend and wondering the same thing.

 

But from that standpoint, I can try to address your first question.

 

No.

 

Don't be in touch, definitely don't tell her how you're feeling. If my ex were to do that I'd read what I so want to read into it, and you would indeed be leading her on. You want that contact with her, and that's understandable, but it's also selfish to an extent - if she's more in love with you, I think she's going to have a harder time letting go. Which is why she's contacting you. (Also guilty! ) Anyway, my point is, you care deeply about this person, you think she's wonderful, you want her to be happy. Right? I believe this. So cut off contact. Hard as it is, you shouldn't stay in touch right now, because she'll still hope, deep down, that you're wavering.

 

Trust me, I wish the answer were different, in my case and yours.

But it isn't. If you don't want her back, NC is the only way she'll heal.

[Frustrated_in_LA]

I told her she could write to me and tell my anything she wanted if and when she wanted to. I definitely can't and won't "unburden myself" on her. I'll understand if she doesn't write though, she has to define her boundaries.

 

I have to accept that this is reality. Why she is isn't the one, I have no idea. I wish she were. I don't know if I necessarily have low self-esteem, the people I have fallen for in the past are those who a) didn't love me back or b) did love me but in their own hurtful selfish way.

 

I think I'm giving up on love for now- I can't be pining for what isn't showing up in my life, I'll just get bitter. I don't trust myself to date- my judgment sucks right now - and I just don't have the energy.

 

Thanks!

[seachange]

don't beat yourself up too much, frustrated - as other posters have said, you can't make yourself feel something you don't, and in the long run, you've done her a favor. and yourself, too.

 

buck up, little camper. you're a good guy, and you were honest with her. that's a lot to be proud of. and you don't have to rush back into dating; it's not a race. you're mourning a loss just as she is. give yourself time to heal, too. it's going to be ok.

[Frustrated_in_LA]

thanks seachange, I am mourning, and am confused and angry and frankly, a bit lonely and pissed off that I am single again, especially since I was lucky to have her heart and it was me who just wasn't right. and thanks for the "good guy" comment- I'm a woman tho, but I get the sentiment and I appreciate it. I'm going to take it easy on love for a while- I've got plenty to keep me busy for the next few months. But this is hard- I was looking for a partner and finally thought this could be it- now its just me again. If you ask me, this getting older and still single thing is for the birds. have a great weekend everyone and thanks for the encouragement. Its helped a ton.

[seachange]

and thanks for the "good guy" comment- I'm a woman tho, but I get the sentiment and I appreciate it.

 

gah, my bad!! that's what I get for assuming things. sorry about that.

 

I'm going to take it easy on love for a while- I've got plenty to keep me busy for the next few months. But this is hard- I was looking for a partner and finally thought this could be it- now its just me again. If you ask me, this getting older and still single thing is for the birds.

 

I hear ya. And putting the focus elsewhere for a while sounds like a great idea...I should probably try to follow that advice as well.

[Frustrated_in_LA]

My girlfriend (can't bring myself to say ex yet) emailed me today - first time since the breakup last week- and it broke my heart. She misses me and loves me so much. Why can't I have that?? Why can't I have her love and bury myself in it? I want to leap into her arms so bad, Make a home in her heart and never leave, feel her warmth on me, all around me, Believe her when she says everything will be great, that we'll grow old and have kids and be, as says it, "grandmas together." I want to live in her heart and get rid of mine - my ****ty broken stupid heart that doesn't work.

 

God.

 

I want to love her. But I can't. I don't know why!! F****CK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

What is wrong with me?? Please! I need to know something, something that makes sense, that I can change or create or just believe in.

 

She asked me if I had ever felt passion for her and if I did, when it stopped. I wrote her back, not nearly this emotional, and told her that I did, that in the beginning I wanted to be with her and desired her and longed for a future with er. But that at some point, I started feeling that I wasn't in love with her, and that this feeling grew. It grew like a hole in my heart.

 

I thought I was being impatient- I thought that, with time, I would fall in love, That the promise of the beginning would solidify. But it didn't- time passed and passed and nothing. I grew affection, respect, admiration, but still, this hole. I told her this and said I wished I could make it be different but I can't. The longer we went, the more I knew I was lying to myself, the more she felt me distant, the more painful the break up was going to be. I told her that despite how much I miss her, how much I also want that ideal future with her, how much pain I am causing her, that I can't shake this feeling- its too real and too big and iit still feels right to not be with her even though I want to be.

 

Why is this happening?? I once thought that I need someone different, that her gentleness and sweetness isn't enough, that I need someone who shows strength in a different way, whose strength draws me in. I've had relationships with people that I am drawn to, whose force of personaility have compelled me magnetically as if by a superpower. That is something I never felt this time. But, I thought, why should that feeling be so important? In the past, it has kept me in really bad relationships too long- its not enough, it has even been destructive. I should stop needing that, she's so many other wonderful things, its stupid and probably bad for me to need that feeling. So why can't I shake the need for that feeling?

 

Am I selfish? Stupid? Naive??

 

Is it realistic to think that someday I will have everything I want? The love of someone so amazing, to whom I am drawn to, with whom I am also powerfully in love with? Am I going to be alone because I am greedy? Why can't I make myself take a great thing and be happy with it?

 

god god god god

 

this is awful, truly, painful. I want to not need love anymore. Its too hard to figure out and too painful. How do people do it? How do they find the right mix of things that lets you know its enough of a base? I have had only incomplete pieces at any given time- where the attraction was powerful but the love absent, where I've loved them but they didn't love me back, where we loved each other but had too many other problems (poor communication, no understanding, conflicting goals, bad timing, etc), where there was caring and affection and kindness and friendship but not that special feeling of being in love. WTF?? Are life, love and fate so cruel?? I can't figure this, and I hate it. I hate this out of control, stupid hateful heart of mine.

 

ok- I've stopped sobbing.

 

Thanks LS for giving me the space to write this out. Thanks to anyone who reads it and is helped by knowing you're not alone or who cares to respond.

[seachange]

it's odd, wanting to help comfort someone when i'm wondering why the hell my ex couldn't love me back. but...i think he's in pain, too, and it's probably similar to what you're feeling. and weirdly, i do want to help.

 

(though i'd rather he swept me up into his arms...but whatcha gonna do.)

 

anyway. that's not helping you. so, there's a post on here that Lucrezia Borgia wrote a while back. it's about how the dumper feels, and the pain s/he goes through. i don't know if it'll help you, but at least you can know that you're not alone in wondering why, in being angry at yourself for not feeling what you just don't feel, and in not understanding why you don't feel it.

 

here's the link, it's in this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t55268/

 

i hope this helps.

[Frustrated_in_LA]

wow. that blew me away. it was almost exactly how I felt at each stage. Except the last two bits about turning your back - I am not angry at her at all. I am angry at myself. I hope I never feel angry at her.

 

seachange, you are so kind. you must be hurting like my gf is and asking questions. Thank you for your help.

 

Having been the dumpee and the dumper, I guess the question we have in common is, why? what happened? Can I fix it?

 

and the horrible answer is, we don't know and its nothing we can do anything about.

 

So, after that, what helps us get back up?

 

Thanks again.

[2p worth]

I've found myself in a similar sort of situation - on both sides.

 

In my current situation (as the dumper), although I am not doing NC, my responses are very short, concice and infrequent. We haven't talked things through (feelings haven't grown to 'love') and I'm not sure talking would really help. Putting myself back into the current situation may make me more eager to get out again. This would also just be leading her on and it wouldn't be fair. I think as the dumper, I'd still feel the same about her if I got back with her, as the same red flags are present (at least in my mind). On this logic, I expect to go into NC soon.

 

From what I've read - and experienced, these 'creeps' you speak of know exactly how to manipulate you so as to keep you coming back for more. These 'creeps' present such a compelling challenge for you that the person herself becomes the challenge. Challenges can be sexual, mental, physical, skill, whatever... If they're done right - it usually leads to more sex. Eventually though, any person with little going for her will run out of challenges to set, or the person may change emotionally herself - that's when it ends. I'm guessing you've eventually wised up to past relationships of this nature and hence why you see them as 'creeps'.

 

If this amazing girl you've been seeing, cannot set a challenge or keep you challenged - whether mentally or physically, you're just going to feel bored at some point or another - and that is when you will start to doubt. The good things won't seem to outweigh the bad (even though logically - they do). From what you've said this "not feeling love" is an indicator to the level of your boredom. It is also why in the beginning things seem great and yet dwindle over time.

 

The one thing I haven't been able to answer yet is how to tell someone wonderful that she needs to start setting challenges to keep my interest. Perhaps that is exactly what needs to be said and the ball is then in her court. "Impress me - or be relegated".

 

In my opinion it is how to turn a girl into a woman... There are a lot of girls around these days, they know how to receive and they know what they want, but they don't know how to give enough. I'm sure this works similarly for guys too (nice guys always seem to suffer from it).

[riobikini]

OK I've read and reread all the posts to get a handle on where you're at so far, in this.

 

First, I almost cried with you in one of your posts where you were going 'through it'.

 

You sound so mad at yourself.

 

You need consoling.

 

Consoling because no one with the character you have displayed throughout all this should feel so negative about themselves.

 

You have tried and succeeded with high marks at doing the 'right thing' when faced with the issues.

 

You are not defective. You are not damaged. You are a warm, caring and intelligent person. Your consideration of your partner is overwhelming.

 

You have been honest with yourself about all these things...you are just having a rough time answering why you just can't love her in the way you've always imagined love should be.

 

Now...imagine she's a bottle of wine sitting on a shelf. (Yep!)

 

Some of those wines are packaged in such a way that they LOOK like the embodiment of good taste. The labels are artiscally done, they are often wines with French names that give an impression of being exclusive. They are very high quality. They are for the educated palatte....something special....a luxury....but not matter how they look or are packaged, they must stand the greatest test of all on YOUR palatte.

 

She's got it all......she's the package you are looking for on the outside ...and what's inside does indeed have quality and character you expect someone of her caliber to have.

 

But the CHEMISTRY is ALL WRONG for YOUR palatte.

 

It's not YOU who's 'wrong'....it's not her who's 'wrong'...it's just that the sparks aren't flying and never will.

 

You've tried and it doesn't work. She's a great girl, but you can't force it.

 

It's the CHEMISTRY that's not working.

 

And TRUE love FEEDS off CHEMISTRY.

 

LA....there's someone out there for you with the 'package'.....and more....

 

There'll be fireworks, too!

 

(Smile)

 

Take care.

[riobikini]

OK I've read and reread all the posts to get a handle on where you're at so far, in this.

 

First, I almost cried with you in one of your posts where you were going 'through it'.

 

You sound so mad at yourself.

 

You need consoling.

 

Consoling because no one with the character you have displayed throughout all this should feel so negative about themselves.

 

You have tried and succeeded with high marks at doing the 'right thing' when faced with the issues.

 

You are not defective. You are not damaged. You are a warm, caring and intelligent person. Your consideration of your partner is overwhelming.

 

You have been honest with yourself about all these things...you are just having a rough time answering why you just can't love her in the way you've always imagined love should be.

 

Now...imagine she's a bottle of wine sitting on a shelf. (Yep!)

 

Some of those wines are packaged in such a way that they LOOK like the embodiment of good taste. The labels are artistically done, they are often wines with French names that give an impression of being exclusive. They are very high quality. They are for the educated palatte....something special....a luxury....but no matter how they look or are packaged, they must stand the greatest test of all on YOUR palatte.

 

She's got it all......she's the package you are looking for on the outside ...and what's inside does indeed have quality and character you expect someone of her caliber to have.

 

But the CHEMISTRY is ALL WRONG for YOUR palatte.

 

It's not YOU who's 'wrong'....it's not her who's 'wrong'...it's just that the sparks aren't flying and never will.

 

You've tried and it doesn't work. She's a great girl, but you can't force it.

 

It's the CHEMISTRY that's not working.

 

And TRUE love FEEDS off CHEMISTRY.

 

LA....there's someone out there for you with the 'package'.....and more....

 

There'll be fireworks, too!

 

(Smile)

 

Take care.

[RainyDayWoman]

don't beat yourself up too much, frustrated - as other posters have said, you can't make yourself feel something you don't, and in the long run, you've done her a favor. and yourself, too.

 

buck up, little camper. you're a good guy, and you were honest with her. that's a lot to be proud of. and you don't have to rush back into dating; it's not a race. you're mourning a loss just as she is. give yourself time to heal, too. it's going to be ok.

 

 

i agree.

 

reading this made me realize the "dump-er" can feel this way too, and it might not just be "she was a bitch."

 

cheer up. it would be a lot worse for both of you if you pretended to love her that way and didn't....and it would cause you a lot of personal head trauma over it.

 

you sound like a very good person, and that's not compliment given out very often by anyone.

[Frustrated_in_LA]

The other day, I decided I coudn't think about it for a while... I turned around the pictures of us and spent a few days reading other people's threads and responding, studying for my finals, and applying to jobs (btw- "don't go to law school" was advice I really should have followed)

 

Today, I turned the pictures back around and saw your responses. Reading them is humbling and heart warming. Thanks for your support.

 

I know Rio, that you are right. She is amazing and its crazy to think that she loves me, had faith in me, trusted me and I just faltered. I wish I hadn't. I wanted it to be what it could have been. What I still wish for. We had such promise - we talked so easily, laughed, supported each other... in the beginning I had what I used to called "love surges" - where looking at her would just make me feel all warm and amazed. When that stopped happening, I still wanted to be with her, still missed her when we were apart. Sigh.

 

I started to feel uncomfortable. Like I was bending in awkward ways to keep continuing. I wasn't pretending, not lying, just not ... really all there. A part of me was missing and I thought ... it just didn't belong. The things I longed for- ways I would like to have felt, things I would have liked her to do, those desires were all wrong for us- they don't go with who I think she is, and, since who she is is who I liked- her qualities that make her - her- I felt like it was me who was off. She could feel it tho and would ask why I wasn't responding and I told her what it was that I desired- meekly though- I can't say I was completely up front with the strength of my unfulfilled desires - I didn't want her to think she wasn't enough the way she was- and she did try. But again, I felt like ... she shouldn't have to change, especially not for me or to keep me or something like that.

 

She is fine as she is, I am just not the right person for her because I don't have the right... receptors I guess. Not all the same ones, anyway. Some, I have some, but I have others and this - just didn't fit me.

 

It wasn't the right mix- or as you call it- chemistry.

 

2P- I think you are onto something, too. Maybe once we settled into a routine and got comfortable it stopped being as exciting. But i think in this case, its because we were getting to know each other better and I simply started thinking that it wasn't right, so then keeping going was just keeping going, not building, not progressing, just keeping going and hoping for the sake trying.

 

I have in the past been drawn to people who challenge me. When I was in college (and for several years after) I would date older women and men who were attracted to me, but who I would feel I wasn't enough for somehow (maybe they said it or I just for some reason felt that). And then- sure enuf, like a kid responding to a dare, I tried to prove that feeling wrong. Boy was that impossible to do, and tiring, and eventually, I stopped trying to be other people's versions of me and learned to be me.

 

But I am still drawn to people who have strong personalities, who are determined, and decisive, not short-sighted or tempestuous, mind you, (tho I can be at times). People who are considerate and thoughtful, but very much in tune with their opinions, desires, way of approaching life and all its situations. I just haven't been able to meet one who has fallen for me! So, this time, I went in a different direction. She is sweet and shy, patient, completely non-judgmental, accomodating, so giving. And, I realized, she's not for me. She has all this to offer and I can not do very much with it. I am still left looking for someone else.

 

ok- that's my reflection for the day. I really appreciate your support and advice. Its a little hard tho, even realizing that I am doing what is right for me, and because of that- better for her in this situation- I know I am making the decision to walk away from something good and that I will miss, probably for a long time. And what I am leaving for, is a hope and a wish that may never come true for me. At least not for a few years yet- my next few years are shaping up to be unstable- because of my career plans- I don't even know where in the country I'll be a year from now, and, moreover, how long I will be there. So, its just me, my freindships, maybe some sex here and there. Who knows when I will have the loving arms of a woman (or a man- who knows?!) around me, arms I can call home.

 

Sigh- ok- moving on with my day. Have a good one ya'll.

[riobikini]

LA...get through those finals...that's where your concentration needs to focus.

 

I personally want you to get through this whole thing and do well for two reasons:

 

#1) You simply deserve to be happy.

 

#2) After reading how you have handled all this, (you have shown much of your good character), it makes me smile to know there's gonna be at least one lawyer out there who not only has ability and talent for the profession but also has (surprise!) this incredible capacity to feel compassion, love deeply, accurately judge, and give due consideration to others.

 

You can do it.

 

-Rio

[Frustrated_in_LA]

SMILE

 

thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!