Chick333 Posted March 11 Share Posted March 11 Hey, so me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years. Living together for one year. We just moved into our second apartment. I love living with him and having him in my life he honestly makes my life easier and every time I wake up and go to sleep next to him my day just feels complete. However, recently we haven’t been able to understand each other and agree on petty things such as spending time with each other. Really petty arguments that would turn into quite big. I am scared as last week, he packed up some of his things and left to stay at his sisters house. He didn’t even let me know he had any intentions of leaving. I came back from work and he was gone. I texted him asking what’s happened. He said he wanted time to think, a break. I want to give him that space but he saying he’s scared to be in a relationship with me because he’s scared nothing will change, we’ll still argue. I tried to tell him I’d rather try and sort it out than lose him and I’ll try and be more understanding. However he’s completely pushing me away and closed off. He finally told me he wants some time for himself, so he will stay at his sisters, however he wants to visit me and try and take it slow so he’s less scared and he said he won’t come back until he sees that there has been an improvement. He came to visit me and hugged me and kissed me and I even initiated sex. He then told me he loved me and was so passionate and attracted to me. He stayed the night but the next day he left to go to his sisters house again. All he said is we will try and make it work but there needs to be a change. When he is at his sisters he ignores me quite a bit. I am so scared. I’m staying in our apartment by myself. It’s making me depressed thinking that he will leave this apartment and everything we have built together. What do you guys think? I want to prove to him I can be better and I want him to prove to me the same. But I’m scared he’s going to leave me and I feel like my world is ending. I love him so much Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 11 Share Posted March 11 (edited) What changes does he need to see? You are both on the lease so not only can he come and go in his own residence but he's financially responsible for the remainder of the lease. Unfortunately he seems done with the relationship. Did he start seeing someone else when you were having issues with intimacy and arguments? Edited March 11 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 11 Share Posted March 11 I think you'd better brace yourself because your relationship is probably coming to an end. Why does he expect you to make all the changes? What kind of changes does he want you to make? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 11 Share Posted March 11 Has he told you what he needs? He can't just say vague things like he's scared He has to be specific. Something like I need an hour of alone time when I initially get home from work; then I'd like to watch TV or go for a walk with you before we go to bed; or I want us to have date night at least once per week. Seriously what exactly is it that you need to be "better" about? If he can't answer that succinctly there is little hope. Other than for him to come home, what is it that you need in this relationship & are your needs being met? Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted March 12 Share Posted March 12 6 hours ago, Chick333 said: Hey, so me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years. Living together for one year. We just moved into our second apartment. I love living with him and having him in my life he honestly makes my life easier and every time I wake up and go to sleep next to him my day just feels complete. However, recently we haven’t been able to understand each other and agree on petty things such as spending time with each other. Really petty arguments that would turn into quite big. I am scared as last week, he packed up some of his things and left to stay at his sisters house. He didn’t even let me know he had any intentions of leaving. I came back from work and he was gone. I texted him asking what’s happened. He said he wanted time to think, a break. I want to give him that space but he saying he’s scared to be in a relationship with me because he’s scared nothing will change, we’ll still argue. I tried to tell him I’d rather try and sort it out than lose him and I’ll try and be more understanding. However he’s completely pushing me away and closed off. He finally told me he wants some time for himself, so he will stay at his sisters, however he wants to visit me and try and take it slow so he’s less scared and he said he won’t come back until he sees that there has been an improvement. He came to visit me and hugged me and kissed me and I even initiated sex. He then told me he loved me and was so passionate and attracted to me. He stayed the night but the next day he left to go to his sisters house again. All he said is we will try and make it work but there needs to be a change. When he is at his sisters he ignores me quite a bit. I am so scared. I’m staying in our apartment by myself. It’s making me depressed thinking that he will leave this apartment and everything we have built together. What do you guys think? I want to prove to him I can be better and I want him to prove to me the same. But I’m scared he’s going to leave me and I feel like my world is ending. I love him so much On its own, there is nothing wrong or alarming in getting some space and slowing down things. On the contrary, that can be good for the relationship. I understand how you feel, but if he genuinely needs space to work on things you should give it to him, and try to work on your fear. What exactly does he want you to change? Did he communicate that to you? What have you guys been fighting about? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 12 Share Posted March 12 (edited) Since you are not on the lease you can move out at any time. Please look into affordable student housing and other options. Basically his family took you in when you fled your "abusive home", then he got you two your own place. However you decided to complain about his family and shut down intimacy for a long time. While it's manipulative for him to camp out at his sister's until you "change" (stop arguing and start having sex), it's really a toxic relationship you should consider exiting. Look into scholarships, student housing, more part-time work and other ways to move forward. Edited March 12 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 21 Share Posted March 21 On 3/11/2024 at 1:40 PM, Chick333 said: I want to prove to him I can be better You cannot prove to someone you 'can' change. You do it, you change, you seek help to change, that's how you convince them. Link to post Share on other sites
OldManThinking Posted April 9 Share Posted April 9 You are young. I assume he's a similar age. I'm going to inject a little of my own life into this. When I was your age I bought a house with the most beautiful woman on planet earth. I loved her so much. She loved me. The trouble was, I wasn't fully mature. I wasn't ready for that full-time commitment. I wanted to experience life. Now I never cheated on this person, not physically. But I *did* with my time. I'd go out drinking with work mates, I'd go visit friends, all without her. I'd return home late, and switched off. Perhaps drunk. And she clearly was not happy. In the end, I got home one night and she was no longer there. She'd left. Gone. I found out she got married soon after our break, just 6 months later. Perhaps *she* was cheating all along. Either way, I lost the love of my life. We never saw each other again. Now when it comes to blame, and shame, that's on me. Even if she was cheating, who could blame her? Being ignored, being unavailable (this was before smartphones and Social Media). I loved her so much, but mentally I was foolish, and I also wanted adventure. I'll be frank - I love her to this day. Honestly, she must be a very different person now, this was 50 years ago or so!!! Yet she still owns a piece of my heart. This is life. How life works. We all carry a degree of sadness with us. Some is visible, or talked about. Some call it "baggage", but that seems rather trite to me. It's part of who we are. Your man might simply not be ready. He may be incredibly mature in some things, and juvenile in others. To fix things you need to know exactly what's bothering him, specifically. Further, he needs to cut out some stuff too. For example, he's got to be willing to face up to problems and remain. What he's done right now is run away. This isn't how a man should act in these circumstances (unless there is violence involved). Seems to me, without knowing either of you, that he's simply not ready for a permanent relationship. But I sincerely hope he doesn't do as I did, and lose his great love, because that scar is for ever. You need to talk. You both need to be honest. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted April 9 Share Posted April 9 3 hours ago, OldManThinking said: I'll be frank - I love her to this day. Honestly, she must be a very different person now, this was 50 years ago or so!!! Yet she still owns a piece of my heart. This is so touching… It takes a lot of honesty and guts and a big heart to admit one’s own fault like this. You’re a good man🤝 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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