Should I let him go and end this marriage? Please help!

[The-Lost-soul]

My husband and I have been married almost 3 years now, he was 21 and I was 20, dated 6 months before married. We fallen in love with each other but then he had to go because of his job training--military. Okay we got married and I'd waited for him for 6 months at the time I was staying with my mom. 6 months was up, he finished his training and got sent to the base that was closer to his parents but we decided not to get an apartment yet because he won't be there too long just temporary it would be best to stay with his parents to save more money I did. Everything was fine, I worked part time there. During our marriage life, we always fight but the love that we had for each other always brought us back and even closer and closer everytime afte the problem. Most of the problem that we have were because him and his female friends (He said they just friends) and his spending, smoking, drinking behavior. Yes, he drank lots and lots and lots, and so is the smoke. He'd gone out to drink everynight when he was there and called me like around 1 or 2 in the morning. During the 6 months was horrible on his part. I cried almost everynight and told him numerous time that we should get a divorce because his behavior: spending and drinking. At that time he withdraw money without letting me know or what he was spending on. He bought CD, Movies, smoke, drinking and other crap. So the money never was there and that made me so upset because we were trying to save money so when we move in together we will have enough money buying funitures and stuff.

 

Then here came the time we move to his permanent duty station. I told him okay this is it, it aint going to work anymore if you keep doing this he agreed. I am taking care of the money and this is what you're going to have for now to spend each month, he agreed. So yes he has an allowance but still he goes over limited and every transaction is $20. No matter how much money he has in the bank, it will never enough. Some months he gone over like 5-7 negative transactions. Yes you can see how much the fee are. So the problem kept going I yell I cried I nagged and then it turns out to be verbally and physically violent--nothing serious. If I count it right it happened 4-5 times on my part. They happened becaus him never listened but turn around to talk to his female friends and told him every single things that happened to him at work. So I got upset because I am the wife known nothing, he never told me anything or shared anything with me. He once told his friend that he doesn't even trusted me. I was hurt and mad so confront him with that so yes the problem still keep going and goin he never taken time to listen I cried and I want to sit down and talk yes we sat down and talk then he didn't care. I tried to have him stop talking to his female friends and that backfire, I tried to have him quit drinking that is also not working, I tried to have him help me with all the decision making and be more mature and responsible as a husband that are also doesn't work. So I sometimes got frustrated then I express my anger by telling him so many times to back to the ship and live there, he never left he was here. Then just last month he came back from a short 28 days deployment he told me that he doesn't love me anymore and marriage life isn't for me. That we should separate. I felt the chill ran down my spine but I asked him why? He said he can't take verbal and physical abused anymore I said they are stop because we went to see counselor before you left remember? He said I don't know I'm just not happy. Then he asked me to drop him off at the ship I did but I begged and pleaded him to come back then he came back but the long face was there, not happy to be home, not happy to be here no matter what I do or done. Anyway things went back and forth because he couldn't make up his mind but last week he came back told me he was madly in love with me and this is where he belongs he was being a fool. Now I was mad already we had little argument then he aint coming home now and THEN AGAIN he is negative in his account like close to $200 now. I still love him deeply I still begged him to come home and he said he'll think about it. Now my question is, is it worth it to be with him? Is it worth it to put up with all of these? Will spending habbit ever changed? Who can help me with that? I know that he loves me too but he is just fighting his feeling right now and he is doing good with it. Me, on the other hand, not.

[Mistaken Identity]

It's not unusual for young married couples to have problems. And with your husband in the military, your problems seem compounded by his absence. Maybe once you live together, you can work things out. My brother and his wife are a military family. He too spends too much money. His wife took away his debit card. If he needs money, she withdraws it and sends it to him. You might try that.

[magda]

So the problem kept going I yell I cried I nagged and then it turns out to be verbally and physically violent--nothing serious.

If you're getting verbally and physically violent, I have to say it sounds serious. You may not realize it, but that behavior is not normal in a relationship. It should not become violent.

 

No amount of yelling has changed him yet. Of course hitting won't work. Your point is not getting across with the methods you've been using. I think that if you step away from this relationship you will see that it is doing ugly things to you and you will like yourself and be a happier person away from it. You should consider individual counseling to help you communicate without the anger.