riobikini Posted December 9, 2005 Share Posted December 9, 2005 It happens. If you have been in an emotionally and sexually intense relationship with someone and you go through a breakup, about fifty percent of the ache you feel is sexual 'wanting'. It's the acute ache you feel in your lower abdomen just about where your reproductive organs are (in women)...(don't know how/where men feel it, no one has ever talked about it)...but it's this very familiar ache that only happens if you have a sexual desire for a person and is more intense if you have actually been intimate with them or been (are still) in love with them. This ache is felt when you think about that person or see them with someone else and imagine all his/her emotional and sexual emotions/actions being directed to the new 'someone'. It's a natural physiological experience that is enhanced by emotions that have been preceded by the increased production of hormones (fact) during any romantic relationship. So the ABSENCE of NOT having your GF or BF around to cuddle with or sleep with will obviously be in conflict with the hormones that are still in your body and insist that you NEED someone to hold...and be intimate with. It's a natural reaction. And it's inescapable during breakups. You want him...or you need her...or you want to feel his smooth jaw against yours...or breathe in her scent as you nuzzle her neck. You can't erase those memories so you have to deal with them. But at first you don't know how. All you can think of is your past with your ex. You're in a state of emotional confusion or depression. You know only one thing: you long for intimacey. But there IS a way to deal with this intense need and it may not be the same for everyone. How ever, all the ways to deal with it have ONE THING in common...I'll explain what that is: just like in the 'NO CONTACT RULES', you must with the THOUGHTS of him/her. In the No Contact Rules, the idea is PHYSICALLY separating from him/her. In the EMOTIONAL I-want-to-keep-my-sanity RULES, it's all about separating yourself from the THOUGHT of him/her invading your thoughts...so drive them out! No one is EVER going to be completely successful with this, so start forgiving yourself now. And remember this only works if you have gone through the initial phases of Feeling The Initial Hurt of The Breakup, The Feeling Anger Phase, The What did I Do Wrong Phase, The Can I Undo This Phas, and The Self-Pity/Depressed Stage....and there are other phases, too that are individual to each person. The first thing you should do is establish the PHYSICAL NO CONTACT RULES...after that, you can start working on building new memories that will help you farther down the road to complete survival and a healthy healing from all this pain in your heart and head. Here are the keys to your new life...drive slowly: #1) Make a new friend. For this purpose, it can be either sex. I know this sounds like the last thing you want to do but do it. Not a friend to sleep with but a new friend to share with. Why not choose one of your old friends? Because they already know you and have all the answers ready for you...nothing new there...you need new info...new perspective...new insight...new experiences lived by someone else who can relate them to you and hold your interest. You need new CONFIDENCE. And you can begin building it by adding new people to your life. Beacuse you have been so focused on your life and your ex, you really, really need to focus some on someone else's experiences and enjoy them and relate OUTSIDE YOUR OWN BOX! Hopefully, you choose a person who plays tennis, hang glides, or some other sports or activity that pumps up the adrenaline or peaks your interests...because you need to give an outlet to the hormones that are still enhancing all those emotions in your body. What you are doing is 'surrogating'. You are replacing the desire for love emotions with the only other healthy thing available: super-interest activity. And you will do this for as long as it takes for you to feel more distant from the love emotions you feel for your ex. I know you don't think this will work. I know you don't 'feel' like it. I know you are rolling your eyes. But I know it's worth a try. And you do, too. If all you do is end up doing volunteer work at the hospital in your spare time, it's worth it. You need to give those emotions to someone who will benefit. Don't waste them. Keep doing it. Don't give up. And you will KNOW when you have finally reached that crossroads- it WILL come...just wait and see! #2) If you DO end up sleeping with someone just out of a feeling of need (happens to guys and girls, alike)...don't feel guilty. The last thing you need is guilt. Easier said than done, tho. Use the moment to check into a thing or two about yourself...ask yourself about patterns that you may have developed...whether or not you have ever used sex as a salve for other things going on in your life. Start a self evaluation on that subject all by itself. If you choose to read about the topic of using sex as a bandaid, don't get too caught up in the negative stuff you may read about it. Right now, you are almost expected to fail at preventing yourself from seeking physical intimacy with someone. It's just the past patterns of HAVING TO HAVE it and using it as a bandaid that you are looking for...and if it's in your past patterns you may have a problem....if it's not, then if you wind up sleeping with someone during this heartwrenching breakup and aftermath of feeling 'empty', then you are ok...you could have done without it...but it's ok if you didn't. It's a human need. Let it satify the need and move on. Just don't begin any new attachments with a new 'someone'. You'll just be fooling yourself ...and hurting someone else. New love can't work just now. You aren't ready. #3) Driving the thoughts away from your mind. That's what this is all about. Your old love was able to trigger thoughts in your brain. All that was developed from the first time you saw her. Now you have to erase as much of your hard-drive as possible. Computer experts will tell you it's simply not possible to erase EVERYTHING. So don't expect to do the impossible , some memories will remain imprinted forever...it's just that you won't USE them anymore. Like an new update for an old program....or a new program that is similar but with new exciting features. (Smile) You are gonna learn some new stuff! But how? By working on YOU! Reinventing, improving, pampering, and loving YOURSELF for a change! Look at yourself in the mirror. Now there's a nice-looking guy, a beautiful girl! Take stock of what you have going for you, your features, your personality, your heart. If there has been ANYTHING you ever wanted to change or improve about your looks, now is the right time! Anything from a different hair style to your wardrobe. Trying new things will make you feel adventurous and bold. You have the opportunity during a breakup to develop more confidence in yourself than ever before, as silly as it sounds. Guys, if you ever wanted to try a moustache, now is the time...Girls, if you ever wanted to wear a thong bikini, buy one! Start thinking about what kind of memories you want to create for yourself. DO NOT reinvent your old memories with him/her with just a new twist! The focus here is to keep those thoughts from being triggered. Alot of that depends on getting rid of the VISUAL triggers like the denim shirt she loved seeing you in...or the SENSUAL triggers like wearing a totally different perfume than the one he bought you. New stuff! Verbal phrases and facial expressions may also trigger thoughts in your brain and remind you of your ex...so stay away from her relatives ...they may all have that flowing flaming red hair that used to smother you when she leaned on top of you and kissed you....or his brother may walk with that same familiar sexy long-legged stride....whenever possible, avoid them. The Basic Rules of NO CONTACT also, (as I said earlier) should be heeded. *SEE MY PREVIOUS POST.... and finally, if you aren't feeling one bit better after three months, see a therapist. It doesn't mean that you are defctive...it just means you need someone to reinforce you. It's not a sign of any deficiency in you as a worthy, valuable human being...you ARE valuable, and loveable, and worthy. You deserve to be happy and healthy. For a long, long, long time. Link to post Share on other sites
Brittanyjean06 Posted December 9, 2005 Share Posted December 9, 2005 what about 4 months after a break up, and you develop a crush on someone, but still feel the hurt of your ex just not as much....could that be rebountitis??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author riobikini Posted December 9, 2005 Author Share Posted December 9, 2005 Brittanyjean... YOU WROTE: "what about 4 months after a break up, and you develop a crush on someone, but still feel the hurt of your ex just not as much....could that be rebountitis???" I think most of the people who post here write from their own life's experiences and, in my opinion, there's no greater teacher, nor more valuable advice given than someone who's "been There". I think if the relationship you broke up from was a very long one...anywhere from say 8 months up to one that may have lasted many, many years...the answer might more likely be 'yes'. But with dating experiences and relationships that lated for a shorter time period, I believe the answer is closer to 'no'. Amusing Sideline Note: I really hate it when ppl seem to minimize or belittle the impact and the intense pain of a breakup in a relationship that may have only lasted three or four months...it's like, to them, you really haven't had all this time invested so that must equal the rights to claim only the 'appropriate' amount of emotion invested, right??? Man! -they are sooooo wrong!!! You only use the perspective of how much time was invested as a GENERAL rule of thumb THE GENERAL RULES OF TIME will give you really good indications like: 3-6 mos, relationships=about 3-4 mos. healing time...and one year or more= about another year, at least.....but these generalized time-it-takes-to-heal rules are not 'hard and fast' rules...everyone is an individual and it really depends on the actual people involved and how intensely they loved. Bottom line is: your heart will tell you how much it hurts and for how long...and it doesn't care about the 'rules'! Given all the above, Brittanyjean...and since I don't have all your info about your relationship...the general rules will apply: it probably is not Rebounditis...soooo time to go for it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author riobikini Posted December 9, 2005 Author Share Posted December 9, 2005 Brittanyjean... YOU WROTE: "what about 4 months after a break up, and you develop a crush on someone, but still feel the hurt of your ex just not as much....could that be rebountitis???" I think most of the people who post here write from their own life's experiences and, in my opinion, there's no greater teacher, nor more valuable advice given than someone who's "been There". I think if the relationship you broke up from was a very long one...anywhere from say 8 months up to one that may have lasted many, many years...the answer might more likely be 'yes'. But with dating experiences and relationships that lated for a shorter time period, I believe the answer is closer to 'no'. Amusing Sideline Note: I really hate it when ppl seem to minimize or belittle the impact and the intense pain of a breakup in a relationship that may have only lasted three or four months...it's like, to them, you really haven't had all this time invested so that must equal the rights to claim only the 'appropriate' amount of emotion invested, right??? Man! -they are sooooo wrong!!! You only use the perspective of how much time was invested as a GENERAL rule of thumb THE GENERAL RULES OF TIME will give you really good indications like: 3-6 mos, relationships=about 3-4 mos. healing time...and one year or more= about another year, at least.....but these generalized time-it-takes-to-heal rules are not 'hard and fast' rules...everyone is an individual and it really depends on the actual people involved and how intensely they loved. Bottom line is: your heart will tell you how much it hurts and for how long...and it doesn't care about the 'rules'! Given all the above, Brittanyjean...and since I don't have all your info about your relationship...the general rules will apply: it probably is not Rebounditis...soooo time to go for it! Link to post Share on other sites
Brittanyjean06 Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 thanks!....well the relationship was very long 2 1/2 years, but when it broke up i could never picture even being attracted to anyone else... and now this crush has popped up, i will go on the date, i think it would good for me, but i dont want the reboundtis to pop up and than me not like this person anymore, you can like someone and be with them..and i think thats good enough! well see from there thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author riobikini Posted December 10, 2005 Author Share Posted December 10, 2005 Brittanyjean...make sure that the 'other' person (the new date/crush) knows some of the circumstances he'll be entering when he begins to date you...he'll appreciate knowing where you may be coming from by starting dating again...and hey- it's just the decent thing to do when you start up again with someone new. And Brittany....ENJOY YOURSELF with this new guy...girl, you deserve to start feeling GOOD again!!!! -B Link to post Share on other sites
Brittanyjean06 Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 awww thanks! yes i would have to be honest, that would feel really werid if i wasnt, when people ask" do you have a bf" i say no but i have an ex- witch meens alot....if you get it he just had a long relationship a year, so who knows... i know i get the gigly feeling , maybe its all in my head....but i guess its a good start! thank you:) so much Link to post Share on other sites
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