opheliaapplegate Posted December 9, 2005 Share Posted December 9, 2005 I have just ended a three year affair with a MM, it was a mutual agreement. We are co-workers who still have to work together everyday. In the past we have tried and tried to end this relationship but we always manage to get togehter again. The passion and the connection that we have is scary. We decided to end this relationship because the guilt is getting to him and to me. We both have children and we feel that it would be too selfish to put our families through this ordeal. We both admit that we love eachother, but also talked about the consequences of our actions, how it would effect our kids and eachother. We both know that we care for our spouses and that they deserve better from us and they deserve for us to try and make our marriages better. It all sounds good but I have been feeling empty, sad and cry when i think of how much i miss him. I know he will stick to his word about us being together again this time but to work together everyday is going to be a struggle. I need some advice to what to do - or even if it is possible for us not to get together again. I feel lost and don't know what to do ... any adivice would be helpful... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 9, 2005 Share Posted December 9, 2005 The only way to completely END the affair and stop it from ever happening again is for both of you to come clean with your spouses. Talking about the consquences is one thing --- Actually HAVING to face it head on and deal with other spouse is what WILL stop it from happening. The rollercoaster ride will start up again. The only other way is to NEVER see/speak to him again. Which means one of you has to get another job somewhere else. Link to post Share on other sites
travellingman Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 The passion and the connection that we have is scary. I've commented on this topic in other threads, its reasonably common among people who work together, especially in semi-creative jobs where people are passionate about what they do. Often, their spouses are caught up in less-than-exciting jobs, or are dealing with child care and house maintenance, and seem very boring in comparison. Sometimes, these people belong together, the bonds are very real. If leaving your husband is not a realistic option, it is best to end the physical relationship, but accept that the situation will continue to be painful for you. Link to post Share on other sites
travellingman Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 The only way to completely END the affair and stop it from ever happening again is for both of you to come clean with your spouses. Talking about the consquences is one thing --- Actually HAVING to face it head on and deal with other spouse is what WILL stop it from happening. Disagree, best not to tell the spouse. That would be OK if it was just a sex fling, that's much easier to end than the deep feelings of a close connection with someone you love and have a lot in common with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author opheliaapplegate Posted December 10, 2005 Author Share Posted December 10, 2005 i have to thank you both for your honesty... this has been so hard for me , you have no idea.. i am torn between doing what is right and what i want .. i am trying my best to keep my logical side ahead of my emotional side... as far as getting another job - on monday i started looking for one because i know that not being around will make this easier.. i will never forget him because i do indeed love him but it will ( i hope) make it easier for us to through... i have to admit that i do wish he will come for me ( you know the knight in shinning armor bit) but again i know what i have to do .. and i will becuase in the end i know it is for the best .. thank you both Link to post Share on other sites
Author opheliaapplegate Posted December 11, 2005 Author Share Posted December 11, 2005 I have to tell you that after reading though several posts about this situation i realize how not alone i am .... what i do realize is that there is no one shot cure for getting over my broken heart except time and distance - but i do not have the luxury of distance - so what do i do ? i mean what can i do - it is so hard for me to see him everyday talking to other co-workers, smiling and appearing as though nothing is wrong - it is kills me how he avoids me now - if i have to speak with whim about work related issues he's very matter of fact - i was hoping we could at least remained friendly to each other - but i guess i was wrong - is this common .. is it better to be like that can anyone give me insight on this - Link to post Share on other sites
Grinning Maniac Posted December 11, 2005 Share Posted December 11, 2005 If it's hard to remain friends with ex-boyfriends and girlfriends without a lot of chaos and pain... do you REALLY think it's a good idea to try and have a friendship with a guy you used to bang on the side? *hits you with cardboard tube* Link to post Share on other sites
Author opheliaapplegate Posted December 12, 2005 Author Share Posted December 12, 2005 If it's hard to remain friends with ex-boyfriends and girlfriends without a lot of chaos and pain... do you REALLY think it's a good idea to try and have a friendship with a guy you used to bang on the side? *hits you with cardboard tube* Ok i admit i needed that tap but because i work with him eeryday and see him everyday i think it is hard to ignore him so i have to do something ... so i figured if i could try to put things aside and at least be friendly but i guess i'm wrong... i mean he is good at ignoring me and that hurts ... i am trying to understand it but its hard.... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 It's unnecessary pain you don't have to go through...Pouring salt in the wounds will make it worse. *hits you with cardboard tube* LOL GM, I will have TONS of those cardboard tubes after Xmas..Hehehe, I always get the urge to bop someone on the head or bum with those things! Link to post Share on other sites
reddog63 Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 "The only way to completely END the affair and stop it from ever happening again is for both of you to come clean with your spouses." This just seems like a crock of sh*t to me. Not attacking writer, but that is how strongly I feel about this advice. WhichwayisUp..........do not mean to be rude....really......it is just that I have a strong opinion. Did you get cheated on? Maybe many on this board give this advice because they were on the dumped or cheated on side. But I still contend, especially if a person regrets or has decided to put an end to an affair that he or she should keep guilt to themselves and not burden that other person with all the pain and torture that knowing will put them through. I think many are thinking through the eyes of the cheated on........that you would want to know, not looking at it as a whole. Sure, if my spouse was cheating I would want to know..........so from that aspect we agree. But from the remorseful, not going to do it again spouse, let them be burdened with the guilt and get on with life. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 Right now one of my bestfriends is going through a rough time. The advice she was given from her Therapist was to tell the OW's husband as the affair hasn't stopped. Been over a year, and he has been contacting the OW. Long story, and not my story to tell - But contacting the husband and letting him know what HIS wife was doing, has basically STOPPED it from ever starting up again. Many others in that position offer up the same advice. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 The only way to completely END the affair and stop it from ever happening again is for both of you to come clean with your spouses. Talking about the consquences is one thing --- Actually HAVING to face it head on and deal with other spouse is what WILL stop it from happening. The rollercoaster ride will start up again. The only other way is to NEVER see/speak to him again. Which means one of you has to get another job somewhere else. Totally agree and cut losses with who you cheated with also!! Once you confess and want to make things right with spouse and s/o you can't have any contact with the OP person ever again !! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 "The only way to completely END the affair and stop it from ever happening again is for both of you to come clean with your spouses." This just seems like a crock of sh*t to me. Not attacking writer, but that is how strongly I feel about this advice. IN this particular case for the poster, both her and her MM have tried to end it and it keeps starting up again...Know why? CUZ there are NO consquences, no losses here, except feelings for eachother. I don't believe either of them really wanna stop the affair. The only sure way of completely stopping it IS to tell their spouses. Sorry, I just go on what I've seen here, read here and from what a friend of mine is going through. Link to post Share on other sites
MySugaree Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 The irony, here, is that opheliaapplegate is being advised, by the brutal disclosure posters, to risk ending her marriage (and the marriage of her affair partner) by the disclosure of a 3-year affair when she and her lover mutually agreed to end their affair to save their respective marriages. Must these marriages be destroyed in order to save them? Must marriage and family be sacrifriced on the "Truth" Altar? Would full disclosure necessarily innoculate the Affair Partners from the Affair's resumption? The goal is to end the Affair, maintain the marriage and keep the family together.This goal is acheivable, for many, without potentially ruinous full disclosure. Balance all the costs and benefits before dynamiting your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 After 3 years, someone else MUST know about the affair. Another reason why to come clean. I'd rather find out from my own husband, rather than someone else gossiping. But that's just me. I have NO clue wtf she should do. But if she truely loves her hubby and wants her marriage to work then she has to end it with the MM. The more time in the affair, the less feelings of love and respect she has for her husband. The MM has her sexual attention, her deep intense lust. IS it love? Or just some real excitement that she's addicted to? Can she end it with her hubby and have a life with this MM? Only she can decide. All I can provide is my thoughts here, that's about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 The irony, here, is that opheliaapplegate is being advised, by the brutal disclosure posters, to risk ending her marriage (and the marriage of her affair partner) by the disclosure of a 3-year affair when she and her lover mutually agreed to end their affair to save their respective marriages. Must these marriages be destroyed in order to save them? Must marriage and family be sacrifriced on the "Truth" Altar? So, instead she should just blithely return to her marriage and lie and pretend that it never happened? And what is going to be in place to keep it from happening again? As far as 'risking losing her marriage'...THAT occurred the moment the affair started...nothing to do with her husband. You would be AMAZED at how many BS's out there will fight hard to save their marriage once they've learned about their partner's affair...I know....been there, and done that. Whereas if she DOESN'T admit what's been going on to her husband, it leaves her fully capable of doing this all over again, either with this OM or someone else. It doesn't force her or her H into making changes in the marriage...IMPROVEMENTS in the marriage designed to keep exactly this from happening again. Her marriage wouldn't be 'sacrificed on the alter of truth' even if it did end as a result of all of this...call it a 'collateral damage' as a result of her affair more than anything else. I stand with WWIU...tell the truth, and TRULY take the actions needed to fix your marriage. This will have the end result that you're looking for. Yes, your H will be devestated...that was a foregone conclusion based on the affair...NOT the 'truth'. But how you handle it NOW can and will make all the difference. Sugaree- No attack here friend...but I'm interested in knowing what would be her plan for repairing her marriage and ending the affair with OM WITHOUT telling her husband? Link to post Share on other sites
Author opheliaapplegate Posted December 13, 2005 Author Share Posted December 13, 2005 "I don't believe either of them really wanna stop the affair. " I have to tell you that has hard as it may sound or as hard as it is for you to believe after all this time and energy I have made my decision to repair my marriage and not be with this MM. I know that if i tell my H about this it would hurt him so much and this is the guilt i have carried with me for all this time. As i have said before this OM became a part of my life because my h was never there, too busy for what ever reason. Our relationship was more emotional than physical. Yes i have intense passionate feelings for him but i know that i cannot do this anymore i feel too awful and i am unwilling to continue to hurt so many other people. I have started the process of trying to make things better by telling my h i am unhappy. I have told him this in the past as well and he chose to conitnue to ignore me by saying "he is what he is, i either like or lump it" "he is not changing" etc etc so it is not like i just one day decided to have this affair it was a process that i fed into because i was lonely, and hurt. I think the difference between now and then is that i told him that if he did not want try to work with me that i think it was time for me to leave. So, with that he is trying, and so am i. I am having a hard time seeing this OM at work. it would be easier if i did not see him ever again, but i have to see him on a daily bases. It is hard and i am trying anything i can to keep my promise... for the record i have been married 20 years... I owe my h the opportunity to try with me to make things better... the idea to tell him about the om is something i thought about and maybe i will but i think it would be best for now to take one step at a time but i think in his own way he may already knows.... thanks for your opnions they are all helpful Link to post Share on other sites
kkat Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 I think that after three years, anyone who cares or WANTS to know about or acknowledge the affair knows - the spouses of this quadrangle either don't know or don't want to acknowledge it. The poster indicates, as does the behavior of the MM co-worker, that the affair is intended to be over, to salvage their respective marriages. Ophelia, as you mentioned, this was a mutual decision to end the affair. Your ex-MM's behavior towards you, however chilly it may appear, is his way of keeping up the bargain of ending the affair. As hurtful as it is, be thankful that he's not doing the opposite (which he eventually may very well do....) as that would likely make it more difficult for you to work towards disconnection. I think your keys here are 1/ Focus on why you had the affair, and what you can change, or not, about your marriage that would make you happy going forward, in your relationship. If you believe in your marriage, stay focused on that. 2/Realize that realistically, your road will be much easier traveled if you don't work with him. Continue to aggressively look for new employment (is he looking for a new job elsewhere - just curious???)...and get to a new workplace as soon as possible 3/Try identifying the core activity that you have come to associate with your lover - assuming it's not just sex after three years - and find something to replace it with. Good luck. You seem like a good egg. Kkat Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 the idea to tell him about the om is something i thought about and maybe i will but i think it would be best for now to take one step at a time but i think in his own way he may already knows.... Why do you think he may know already? Has he said something or do you think he's noticed a change in you. Maybe he does know and has chosen not to say anything - For the same reasons why you won't say anything to him. Too much pain to deal with, too much work and effort to actually fix the marriage. Maybe it's easier to go on as things are ... Just makes me sad to hear that because you say he was your soulmate 20 years ago. I'm sure all that love and feeling is there, somewhere...I do hope someday, together you find it again. Link to post Share on other sites
kkat Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 "Maybe he does know and has chosen not to say anything - " Great point. It's likely that he suspects something, if this is an ongoing relationship of a three year duration. But he may choose not to acknowledge it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author opheliaapplegate Posted December 14, 2005 Author Share Posted December 14, 2005 thanks so much for the above advice .. it is something that gives me a focus to concentrate on... and in a way makes me feel better about OM actions.. makes alot of sense... i can see alot clearer when i can use my logic over my emotions ... i just hope i can keep this persepctive .. as far as OM looking for another job I don't know but i am... i have put out some resumes and hopefully i will hear something soon, in the meantime i am going to try and make this holiday season the best i can for my family ... i have been spending lots of time with my H and he seems to be receptive of us speding this time together... we have lots to work on and often my mind does drift off to thinking of the OM and often i feel the emptiness the Om used to fill... and that is when i miss him the most .. i hope in time that will fade... My H is the kinda of guy that has been a little rough around the edges.. you know not very tactful or shows too many emotions .. he is your sterotypical Robert Dinero type ... so i know that all this new communication is probably killing him.. but yet he's trying. as for why i think he has some idea .... well he's hinted to the idea that i seem distant and extra moody ... he jokes that i have found someone else.... and he asks me lots of questions lately about where i am going and when i told him i wasn't happy instead of doing his usual stop complaining, you're too emotional, do you have your "P" attitide he gave me a look, like he knew and said that he did not want me to leave and that he would try ... i know i could've said something then .. it did cross my mind... but i couldn't hurt him anymore.. he and i have been together since i was 18 and i knew he was hurting already... and i do care for him ..... so as you see i need to do this for us and for our family.. plus for OM's family ....he has three little children how could i be so selfish as to want to take him away from them... it is such a mess .. i just want to make things better .... i am trying ..... and whichwayisup .... i am sad too.... (boy i sound pathetic) Link to post Share on other sites
nextel Posted December 14, 2005 Share Posted December 14, 2005 keep your mouth shut about your affair and maintain your family!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted December 14, 2005 Share Posted December 14, 2005 Whatever you do.... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- keep your mouth shut about your affair and maintain your family!! And watch all the work you and your H have done to fix things go down the tubes six months from now...because neither of you realize the scope of the damage done to your M. And in less than a year from now, find yourself back involved with OM...or someone else who's willing to show you a little attention. And spend this next year waiting on this to happen dealing with your OWN emotions...guilt, hiding the truth, running into OM and not knowing how to deal with it... OR... Do the honest thing. Tell your H, and take the steps you need to in order to work things out. THere are a lot of good books out there that might help you out...try reading "Surviving an Affair", "His Needs, Her Needs". You'll realize that hiding the truth is a LOT harder than you think...and that keeping this secret will maintain a rift between the two of you. Heck, your H already suspects you...trust me, it's only a matter of time before he learns the truth. Take it from a H who DID learn the truth that way. You'll be a lot better off in dealing with this on terms that you and your H can work through, instead of him finding out later and you being forced to spend your time REACTING, instead of planning out your actions to help him deal with it. Your call...I'm done posting. Link to post Share on other sites
Babbs Posted December 14, 2005 Share Posted December 14, 2005 Ophelia, I can only tell you what I did in a similar situation. I had a brief affair also and decided not to tell my husband to spare him the pain it would of caused him if he knew. Did I make the right decision? For me, I did. I'm trying to move on from my mistake and stupidity and get on with my marriage and life. Because it was my mistake doesn't mean I have to hurt my husband by telling him. Yes, I have guilt, but admitting might do more harm than good at this point. Hopefully, he will never find out about it but if he does, I'll deal with it then. Many people on here will tell you to confess and many will tell you to keep it to yourself, but you have to do what's right for you. Telling your husband doesn't mean you won't do it again..no one can predict that. Hopefully, you and I won't ever get ourselves in this situation again. We can learn from it. LS helps tons when it comes to this..you get many different opinions and then you make up your own mind. Just my little thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted December 15, 2005 Share Posted December 15, 2005 And in less than a year from now, find yourself back involved with OM...or someone else who's willing to show you a little attention. With respect, Ophelia doesn't sound like someone likely to change her mind about things just because she gets 'a little attention' from someone. She sounds like she has made her mind up to make her M work, and is doing everything she feels she needs to in order to see that through. Of course, we (or she) can't know that for certain. But not everyone is likely to stray unless they tell their spouse what they've done, and get them to watch out for them. Not everyone would have trouble putting something in the past and dedicating themselves entirely to their current R. On the subject of disclosure generally, I would add that it's not just the spouse that might be involved in that. Is the spouse supposed to keep that a secret once they know about it..? Or tell his/her family, parents, friends, etc.? Are more divisions between those in the know and those who don't know created..? I feel that the decision to disclose or not really has to be taken on an individual case basis. Link to post Share on other sites
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