How to keep an affair from happening again

[Owl]

Well Sami, I think you and I will have to agree to disagree on this one.

 

Not telling her spouse has a couple of major effects.

 

1. It maintains that rift that is already there between them...it's something that she won't share with him in a relationship that is supposed to be BASED on sharing. Holding secrets like this also makes it easy for someone to start keeping OTHER secrets too. And honestly...she's held this secret for 3 years now...she's become an excellent 'liar by omission'. (not an attack Ophelia...but think about it...you HAVE gotten good at not telling your H things now).

 

2. It denies her support from the one person who COULD and SHOULD support her. Did I support my wife when she was dealing with the withdrawl from the end of HER affair? You betcha. Easy? Heck no...but it also was one of those things that SHOWED my wife in deeds rather than words how much I really did love her. It taught her that she COULD trust me and tell me things, even things that she knew would hurt me. My wife learned as much about me as a result of her affair as she learned about OM...

 

3. Relying on 'her own' resulted in the circumstances that allowed her to carry on this affair for 3 years! ALL marriage partners should be accountable to each other when it comes to something like this...ALL of them. I never had an affair...but am I accountable to my wife? Yeppers...she's more than welcome to read my email, see my phone, go through my wallet, briefcase, computer...whatever...at any time she likes. Why? Because it establishes her trust in me (not that I've ever been untrustworthy), and it could possibly keep me from doing something wrong if I WERE tempted to do so. Had Ophelia's marriage had this practice in the first place (had mine too, truth be told), it would have AVOIDED all of this to begin with. Go read "His Needs, Her Needs" by Steve Harley. It talks all about how to affair proof a marriage...and this all falls right in there. Take a look at "20 (Surprisingly Simple) Rules and Tools for a Great Marriage!" by Dr Steve Stephens too.

 

Is telling her H a risk? Yes...but it was a risk she took just STARTING the affair...telling her H now is the only true way to END the affair. Anything less just sets the stage for it to continue...and with 3 years behind it, it's going to be a darn hard thing to contend with. Not telling him is in effect CONTINUING the affair in some ways. Trust me on this one...if he learns about this five years from now...he's going to look her dead in the eyes and ask her "Why have you lied to me for EIGHT years?!?!" And the odds are very good he WILL find out eventually...there are a lot of things that could happen. OM could break down and tell his wife...Ophelia might do the same...they might resume and get caught...her H could stumble across some evidence left over from the affair...there are a LOT of ways it could come out.

 

And remember what I said on my first post here...it's the LIES, the DECEPTION that hurts the BS more than anything else...they can't believe that they've been betrayed and lied to by the one person they hold dearest. So continuing the lies, maintaining the deception...it's all just more and more damage to the BS.

 

And given that Ophelia has had a 3 year affair...if things get rough between her and her H in the future...yes, I DO believe that she'd turn back to OM in a heartbeat for support...UNLESS something concrete were in place to prevent it.

[newbby]

owl what about TRUST? surely having to go through each others belongings creates a feeling that there is no trust.

[Owl]

Newbby-

 

Excellent question!

 

So I respond back with another one...

 

Where does trust come from?

 

It can be given...but more often it's EARNED. By repeatedly demonstrating trustworthy behavior. Do you hand your wallet and credit cards to a stranger on the street? Nope...they've not EARNED that trust.

 

Everyone has to EARN that trust. It's done over time...and in a couple's relationship, it's begun in the courtship phase of things. And the longer they are together, the longer the trust is built up, the greater the level of trust. Which is why when someone is 'betrayed' after 17 years of marriage (like in my case), it comes as such a devestating blow that it's unbelievable unless you've been there.

 

And there isn't a REQUIREMENT for anyone to do that 'checking up on'...it's the willingness that is really the main key...and the fact that both people know that checking up is POSSIBLE.

 

It's been about a year and a half since d-day for me...when I learned of my wife's affair. I checked up on her HARD for the first year...and it tapered off a lot since. Even after this major event, she's regained a HUGE amount of trust from me...and I am not a trusting person by nature. I don't remember when the last time I actually logged into her email account was...but I CAN if I want to...and she doesn't have any issue with it at all. I don't know when/if she has ever logged into mine...but I make darn sure she knows the passwords and login ID's to any that I have...voluntarily.

 

It doesn't bother me one little bit to give her that info...what's Dr Phil's quote? "Those who have nothing to hide...hide nothing."

 

Why should it MATTER if she can see my emails or my phone history?

 

This is how trust is BUILT...especially after an event that destroys that trust. Her H will HAVE to be able to do these kinds of things when he does learn of her affair (whenever however that happens)...or he will NEVER trust her again.

 

Think about it...what would it matter if someone you love and trusted and shared everything with anyway COULD read your emails, your messages, etc...? As long as there was nothing to hide...and you shared with them anyway...and you knew that it built up their trust in you...and could even help prevent you from hurting them beyond belief....why would you even care?

[Sami_D]

Owl, actually, I completely see the truth in what you're saying about disclosure. And I don't disagree with the reasons you put for disclosing affairs. If it were me who had been lied to, I (think I) would definitely want to know what had happened. But actually, I am not sure that I'd want to continue a R with the person who had cheated on me. I have a huge problem with dishonesty (and this may be the one thing that breaks my R with MM, but that's another issue). And I don't disagree with you at all about the policy of disclosure.

 

What I am trying to say is that not everyone is the same in how they view this. Not every BS would want to know. Not every WS needs to disclose in order to work on the M. If someone (like me) needs to trust implicitly their spouse... then had there been an A that had ended, and was never going to continue... then if someone wanted to continue in a M with me... they had better not disclose. With you, it's different. With me, my trust would be destroyed forever. I do NOT want to live my life checking wallets and emails, neither would I want my H to feel he had to leave those things open for me to read.

 

I think that trust is basic to a R... and trust means that you can rest easy that your spouse has nothing to hide... NOT that you think you're entitled to read everything they produce in order to maintain peace of mind.

 

Specifically, this:

 

if he learns about this five years from now...he's going to look her dead in the eyes and ask her "Why have you lied to me for EIGHT years?!?!"

 

Not everyone would have a problem with this. Some people might think that, as long as their spouse decided to end it and decided not to tell them (for fear of hurting them further), the fact that they lived with such a terrible burden was an act of love, not continued deceit.

 

It all depends on the people involved. Which is why I said... each case must be taken separately.

[newbby]

yes, i am just not sure about this one. i see what you i saying and i do agree with alot of your points. it all just seems rather negative though, i mean it would be HARDER for her to do this alone, definetly, but i think saying things like if you dont tell you will end up repeating the affair are very negative and create negative expectations

[Owl]

Newbby-

 

I don't mean to be negative...but I DO try to take a realistic attitude towards things. Overall, there tends to be two types of "wayward spouse" for lack of a better word. I don't know for sure which one Ophelia falls under...it's entirely possible that she's not sure herself at this point. Now...there are exceptions to any rule...I know this. However, any time you're dealing with issues, you follow the majority rule...yes, it's POSSIBLE that this case is different...but it's not LIKELY.

 

Two types of WS's...first is the 'one time, OMG what a big mistake' case. It's the case where a marriage has a great base already built, but circumstances and lack of maintenance in the marriage lead to one of the partners to begin confiding in someone outside of the marriage...leading to shared intimacy with someone outside of the marriage. These situations often progress FAR faster than WS and OP would have ever thought possible...it's a flashfire effect. And in THIS kind of case, the marriage is often saved IF everyone takes the appropriate steps. Much like what I've outlined above. Contact with the OP has to end, full disclosure has to be made, the married couple need to start defining the gaps in the marriage that allowed this to happen and deal with it. (Interestingly enough, one of the most commonly cited reasons for this kind of affair is 'lack of communication'...think about it). Now...IF both parties do their part, this kind of scenario has a good chance for recovery. But...if either party does NOT follow through, the odds of a successful recovery plummet. Yes, there are exceptions both ways on this...but again, gotta play the odds.

 

The other situation is when you have someone who is a flat out D-A-W-G. A repeat cheater...someone who lives their life entirely based on their own wants without any regard or care for others in their lives. Often (again, not always, but OFTEN) cases where someone cheats more than once falls into this category. Now...it is POSSIBLE that someone can make the same mistake twice...but look at the odds...and if all the right steps were taken the first time and the marriage STILL ended up back at this point, it's pretty likely that the marriage (or parties in the marriage) have no solid foundation...and the marriage likely is not recoverable. Now...it MIGHT be recoverable if both parties are willing and capable of making some serious, fundamental changes in how they relate with each other and other people...but since most adults are pretty set in their ways, it's a HARD, HARD path for most.

 

Sami-

 

I too felt that 'if she ever cheated on me, I'd be out of here so fast there would be a hole in the air where I was standing'. And it was a close thing, I won't lie to you. She assumed I'd be gone...she'd asked him to buy her plane tickets for a few days AFTER d-day, rather than flying out that day...because she truly figured that it was the last that anyone would have seen of me and she wanted to make sure that the kids were taken care of. I grew up on the streets...and she knows full well that if I decided to leave, I'd be back off the grid for the rest of my life.

 

But...I decided to stay and work things out...shocking her, him, and myself. And you know what...turns out that I'm NOT spending all my time checking up on her...like I said, I can't remember the last time I DID check up on her. But, I'm still capable of doing so. I NEEDED that reassurance for a good while after what we went through...interestingly enough, although she was SO adamantely against me checking up on her immediately after the affair, she came to one of our MC sessions one time and told our MC that he was RIGHT for suggesting that I be allowed to do so. Because she realized that it didn't matter to her...there was nothing left to hide. But it DID reassure me that nothing was going on...she could see how this allowed me to see that she was being honest with me NOW at least. She caught on that it REBUILT that destroyed trust.

 

Hence the reasons for my advice to reveal the truth to the BS...because if the marriage can survive that shock, the odds for success are pretty high, assuming both parties follow through and make the needed changes. Yes, there are exceptions...but you can't PLAN on something being the exception. It's possible that Ophelia's marriage may be better off not telling her husband...but it's not LIKELY that it will be.

 

Let me ask you this...so you would prefer to remain in a marriage with someone who HAD cheated and you didn't know than to have learned that they cheated and either worked out the issues that lead to it, or ended the marriage? (NOT an attack...I'm curious on your reasoning...honestly curious if that's how you feel)

 

 

Ophelia-

 

You still there???

[Owl]

Oh, would like to add one more thing...if I were Ophelia's COUNSELOR, as opposed to just being some schmo on the 'net giving advice, I would CERTAINLY tailor my advice to her situation...but I can't possibly know her situation as well over the net as a counselor would in face to face sessions...so I give generic advice instead. Make sense?

[newbby]

owl i was just reading your reply and suddenly the page had turned into something about owl pellets and owls and it freaked me out for a minute! i realised afterwards that its a link on the page!

anyway, yes i do agree with what you say to an extent, i also think it depends on the person who had the affair and how determined they are to make things work. in your case your wife had not seen an affair through, she had decided to leave you, so she was at a vulnerable point. ophelia seems to have made a decision and be determined to work it out with her h.

if she tells her h doesnt that mean that there are two peoples pain and indecision to deal with? his indecision about accepting the affair, or how to deal with his feelings about it, aswell as her having to not only cope with the feelings she already has for om, but having to cope with the surely much more miserable state of the marraige after she has told him? and what if as sami says, he leaves? this has happened to people i know, and it has reached a point of irrepair, had she however, kept schtum, he would not have left and she could have made a decision and stuck to it.

[Sami_D]

 

Let me ask you this...so you would prefer to remain in a marriage with someone who HAD cheated and you didn't know than to have learned that they cheated and either worked out the issues that lead to it, or ended the marriage? (NOT an attack...I'm curious on your reasoning...honestly curious if that's how you feel)

 

What I meant to say was that IF someone I was with cheated, that the only way our R would continue is if I remained completely in the dark about it. I wouldn't be interested in someone coming to me and saying sorry, but I wandered off because I didn't feel my needs were being met at home and blah blah blah. Because that would be bull. The reason being...

 

If I ever do get married, it would be because I had found someone I believed that I could have a permanent commitment and relationship with. And that means that I'd have to believe that he felt the same way and would want to work at (and enjoy) the R just as much as I would right from the start. I would make absolutely sure that there's no chance for slippage, no way that he'd be confiding in anyone else because he felt 'lonely and misunderstood' at home.

 

There's no way that my M would get to a point where he could come to me and say that things had gone wrong because of anything I'd done. Given every chance to let me know when he was unhappy, and me being determined to make sure it worked... he'd be on very dodgy ground if he came to me with some story of an OW.

[Owl]

Well, you're absolutely right...he could leave when he finds out. But that risk was taken when she began the affair...not now when she decides to end it.

 

Same question I asked Sami...would YOU prefer to remain in a marriage believing that the person you love was faithful to you and committed to you when it wasn't true, or would YOU prefer to know the truth and be allowed to make your OWN choice about remaining in the marriage? What would YOU prefer...a marriage based on truth, or one that has a huge lie in it that you're totally unaware of? Which one would YOU choose, if the situation were turned so that you were the one cheated on? (again, no attack on you either friend...simply wanting your thoughts...I personally do NOT want to live a lie with my wife...I would NOT want her to lie to me about something like this and just hide it from me for the rest of our lives).

 

The 'two people's pain' thing is true...but honestly, should it be HER choice alone as to whether or not her husband knows the truth in her marriage? This marriage is NOT just about her...it's about BOTH of them. Her choice to have an affair DOES impact him...in any number of ways. And like I've said...you'd be amazed at how many of us foolish BS's actually step up to the plate and work to HELP our spouses deal with things...once the truth is out and the WS is actually working with us to fix things. But there is no way he'd have the CHANCE to fix things without knowing.

 

And here's this...she's going to go into withdrawls at the end of the R with OM...same horrible time that the OP has at the end of the affair. It's absolutely terrible for EVERYONE...and now imagine her H trying to figure out what to do to help her, what's going on, what to say or do....all without the slightest clue as to WHY this is going on, or what caused it? Odds are he's not going to be able to do much to assist her...which is just going to make her think that her choice to stay was a bad one. And that will make OM seem that much more attractive...and since there's no REAL barrier to contact between them besides some flimsy words....you get the picture. Happens all the time. How many times have we seen on here where someone starts NC, but it fails? All the time...because there is nothing PREVENTING contact.

 

I would have known within 24 hours if my wife had resumed contact...and she knew it. And she admitted to me later that often that was ALL that kept her from contacting him at the time...she didn't want to cause me anymore pain.

 

And now she's soooooo happy that we've worked things out. She has said this repeatedly.

[Sami_D]

Owl what you write about this makes so much sense. And I am absolutely sure it works in many, many situations. I don't think that anyone could possibly doubt that after reading your posts.

[newbby]

i agree it does make alot of sense. i agree with you. even on the question of the lying, yes, i would rather know. i thought for a while that i would not mind as long as my partner tried to make it work, but i would feel that we were so much closer if he told me the truth. also THAT is trust isnt it? trusting somebody with the truth, trusting somebody to handle the truth.

you are right, owl. not about it being the ONLY way, but definetly about it being the BEST way.

[opheliaapplegate]

Yes I am here.... I cannot believe all the wonderful advice i have gotten i cannot thank you enough... if anything i am still confused but hearing all sides is helpful ... you are all giving me such great support... i feel as though i do not want to let any of you down as well ... Owl i value your messages and you were able to give me some good perspective and you are absolutely right about my H not knowing what to do with me .. i have been depressed and agitated and i feel bad because he does not know what my problem is... I am still doing my damdest to keep away from OM and it is hard (not to keep away) but to see him a constant reminder and it hurts... I am contemplating telling my H but i think i want to go to marriage counseling first at least then i would feel safe in knowing that what i am doing will be in our best interest... i think there is so much more that needs to be addressed besides my A... i think the issues and the events that lead up to my needind attention from someone else will open the door for him understanding why and how i could become attracted to someone else... this is so difficult and my real hope is that we/i can get through this.. i am only at the beginning and road ahead scares the hell out of me...

 

but all of your imput and support is helping me... thanks

[RecordProducer]

I think you would benefit from changing your work place or at least switching to a new department within the same company if it's a big one. It doesn't sound to me like you can easily forget this man if you look at him every day. Even when you're completely disappointed in someone, it takes a year or two to get over. In your case, it might be long years before the butterflies in your stomach go away whenever you see his face.

 

You probably think it's a pain in the neck to change your job, but in the long run, you would feel much better and probably save your marriage and peace of mind.

 

You could also ask him to leave his job position instead of you.

[Owl]

Originally posted by Sami-

 

If I ever do get married, it would be because I had found someone I believed that I could have a permanent commitment and relationship with. And that means that I'd have to believe that he felt the same way and would want to work at (and enjoy) the R just as much as I would right from the start. I would make absolutely sure that there's no chance for slippage, no way that he'd be confiding in anyone else because he felt 'lonely and misunderstood' at home.

 

Sami-

 

Don't you think EVERYONE goes into marriage believing exactly this? I know I did. I would have NEVER believed that my wife would have even considered what she did...not EVER.

 

And I worked HARD to do my part in the marriage...but simple lack of knowledge in how affairs work, in how emotional needs work, in the 'languages of love'...all lead to us being in the boat we ended up in. Not to mention that there were other contributing factors...her losing her job, she stopped taking her anti-d meds, etc...

 

Honestly, I can't imagine there are many people that willingly marry someone that they could ever suspect of having an affair on them...

 

There's no way that my M would get to a point where he could come to me and say that things had gone wrong because of anything I'd done. Given every chance to let me know when he was unhappy, and me being determined to make sure it worked... he'd be on very dodgy ground if he came to me with some story of an OW.

 

I felt EXACTLY like you do...prior to discovering my wife's affair. Even up to the day I got my proof. But how you'll react once you get there is something you'll truly only know WHEN/IF you get there...trust me.

 

So...if you were married, and your spouse DID have an affair...would you want them to tell you so that you had the choice to make as to whether or not to continue the marriage? Or would you prefer that they never told you that it happened...that you never learned the truth and had to make that choice?

 

Ophelia-

You might be beginning to understand what I've been warning you about...the desire to contact OM is strong...and you're feeling like there isn't anything that your H can do to help you. That's not true, but at the moment you're not giving him the OPTION to help you or not.

 

Keep looking for another job...ASAP. Heck...if you can make it without that income, quit your job if you need to. Because continued contact OF ANY KIND will do nothing but keep setting you back. Go to the marriagebuilders website and look around there...there is a lot of good info there. Even post on their forum...it's generally pretty helpful for people that go there really wanting to work things out. Just realize that they are marriage BUILDERS...you won't find many advocates of continuing the affair in any shape there.

 

Hang in there...consider what I've said.

[Sami_D]

 

Don't you think EVERYONE goes into marriage believing exactly this? I know I did. I would have NEVER believed that my wife would have even considered what she did...not EVER.

 

Well to be honest, I think more or less everyone is capable of having an affair. I wouldn't be surprised if it happened to me (being cheated on). And no, I don't know how I would react. No-one knows that until it happens. But I can't imagine that I would want to 'make it work' with someone after the event, when that person couldn't be bothered to 'make it work' before wandering off with someone else. Why should I?

 

I suppose I'm thinking in particular about a future R with MM. I don't think there's any doubt in his mind that IF he ever cheated on me, there would be NO second chances. We are both aware of the dangers of affairs happening, how and why they happen, and how to (try to) prevent them. We've both done our reading of the Marriage Builders site and discussed our emotional needs in detail. IF (assuming we got together at all!) it went t*** up after all that 'prevention' then I can't see how it would be worth my while trying again with him.

 

 

So...if you were married, and your spouse DID have an affair...would you want them to tell you so that you had the choice to make as to whether or not to continue the marriage? Or would you prefer that they never told you that it happened...that you never learned the truth and had to make that choice?

 

I'd do from the beginning what most people do after they've discovered an affair... that policy of radical honesty thing..? That's the only way. We've already talked about it. IF he's being honest about any attraction, anything that he feels I need to know... then if an affair happened, him telling me after the event would mean I would end it with him. Anything else would be madness.

 

(and yes, I know it's very early days yet, and no doubt some will find it ludicrous to be discussing that with him, given that he's still M to someone else)

[whichwayisup]

Well to be honest, I think more or less everyone is capable of having an affair. I wouldn't be surprised if it happened to me (being cheated on). And no, I don't know how I would react. No-one knows that until it happens. But I can't imagine that I would want to 'make it work' with someone after the event, when that person couldn't be bothered to 'make it work' before wandering off with someone else. Why should I?

 

Because of maybe family obligations, taking vows and children. And ofcourse LOVE. I think that anybody who takes back a cheating spouse obviously loves that person enough to try to work things out and together make the marriage better.

 

Noone knows how they will react until they're in the sitation. It's too easy to say I'd walk out and that is all. SO much is at stake and the possible changes in life can be overwhelming, to start over.

 

I suppose I'm thinking in particular about a future R with MM. I don't think there's any doubt in his mind that IF he ever cheated on me, there would be NO second chances. We are both aware of the dangers of affairs happening, how and why they happen, and how to (try to) prevent them. We've both done our reading of the Marriage Builders site and discussed our emotional needs in detail. IF (assuming we got together at all!) it went t*** up after all that 'prevention' then I can't see how it would be worth my while trying again with him.

 

I could be wrong, but I think that many OW or OM who end up with the MM or MW, feel trust will always an issue. A slight fear of it happening again. I mean, they did it once and the OW/OM was part of cheating process at that particular time..So, it is always a possiblity. The key is communication and not letting ANYBODY turn your head - Enough to want to cheat. WE all look and wonder at times, that is normal. It's crossing that line and allowing it to actually HAPPEN that shouldn't take place.

 

I'd do from the beginning what most people do after they've discovered an affair... that policy of radical honesty thing..? That's the only way. We've already talked about it. IF he's being honest about any attraction, anything that he feels I need to know... then if an affair happened, him telling me after the event would mean I would end it with him. Anything else would be madness.

 

Again, you wouldn't know until you're actually in that situation. If you go into a relationship thinking the worst case senario, then chances are, that is the enery and possible always worry that it COULD happen...Not a good thing to worry about something that hasn't and may not happen.

 

(and yes, I know it's very early days yet, and no doubt some will find it ludicrous to be discussing that with him, given that he's still M to someone else)

 

Then that is a mute conversation that should not be taking place ...(if and until) he leaves his wife, then that is the time to bring it up. You cannot control what will happen, nothing is carved in stone.

[newbby]

and because of forgiveness

[Sami_D]

Because of maybe family obligations, taking vows and children. And ofcourse LOVE. I think that anybody who takes back a cheating spouse obviously loves that person enough to try to work things out and together make the marriage better.

 

Ah, well I wasn't talking about other people. I was talking about me. I have no family that I'd be obligated to. I'm 43 this month, and I can't imagine I'll be starting a family. Other people's expectations will vary.

 

I could be wrong, but I think that many OW or OM who end up with the MM or MW, feel trust will always an issue. A slight fear of it happening again. I mean, they did it once and the OW/OM was part of cheating process at that particular time..So, it is always a possiblity. The key is communication and not letting ANYBODY turn your head - Enough to want to cheat. WE all look and wonder at times, that is normal. It's crossing that line and allowing it to actually HAPPEN that shouldn't take place.

 

Well exactly. When you go into a R knowing that your partner has already cheated on his W, you had better have your eyes open to the possibilities of it happening again. IF it does, despite your (and his) best intentions... then you can't blame naivety.

 

Then that is a mute conversation that should not be taking place ...(if and until) he leaves his wife, then that is the time to bring it up. You cannot control what will happen, nothing is carved in stone.

 

I have no intention of controlling anything he might or might not do. My responses to Owl's questions were about what I would do IF he left, we got together, and then he cheated on me. I am quite entitled to express the level of behaviour that I'd tolerate from him.

[Sami_D]

and because of forgiveness

 

Well you can forgive someone for hurting you without allowing them to do it all over again. IF MM cheated on ME, then I'd say he was more or less going to do it over and over.

 

Once again, I'm talking about my pov and situation, rather than applying it to anyone else.

[newbby]

i see what you mean

[opheliaapplegate]

well ... it happened ... today i heard from a friend that the OM was planning on moving... I heard from my friend a fellow co-worker that i guess he made the decision to go with his family to another town.. about an half an hour away.. i knew was having financial issues and i guess he is doing this to help resovle them (coincidence?) well anyway .. i felt like i was hit in the stomach and when i saw him today i broke my silence and told him i had heard his news, we then talked for like ten minutes about what his future plans were and that he is actively looking for another job and will hopefull have one by spring... he told me things happen for a reason and that what we have done over the past three years was wrong and that he cared for me and loved me but not more than his children and that everytime he looks at his kids the guilt eats at him... he told me that this is hard on him and he appologized for hurting and ignoring me but it is weird for him to speak with me... but he is trying (like me) to do the right thing... so with that i told him i understood and that i was trying to get my life back on track as well ... and that i only want happiness for him .... and then we said goodbye

 

I cannot tell you how much i have cried today.... i sometimes would get it in my head that he wasonly using me, i used to think the worst just to make it easy not to see him anymore, but it is times like this when i see in his eyes the sincerety of his words and i know that he did or does love me... and that is hurting my so much .... i have no alternative but follow through with my plans of going to a marriage counselor or even just one for my self ... this OM was a part of life (like it or not/ worng or right) he was as much a part of my life as my children and my H and for the record i am not going to miss the passion as much as i am going to miss the person.... I have said it before we had many intimate moments but only 1 time in threes (and it was after 2 years) before we made love. So i guess i have to get stronger but my best foot forward and do the right thing... but first i think i will have really good cry :-(

[Owl]

Well, I'm NOT glad to hear about your pain, but I am glad to hear that this is truly ending.

 

I just can't imagine how you can keep all of this from your H with the way you're feeling right now...there is no way I'd miss the fact that my wife had been crying all day.

[opheliaapplegate]

well this is what i am talking about ... he never takes care to notice anythign about me... he is usually too busy or working ... but we'll see how things go... thanks for your support, wisdom and care

[Owl]

Reminded me of something that came up several times in marriage counseling when we were working through our issues...

 

My wife repeatedly and constantly complained that she'd been unhappy with me...for years. Looking back, I could see that she'd been unhappy...for about a year when her online gaming addiction and untreated depression were issues, but I couldn't see anything SPECIFIC she was unhappy with.

 

Our MC asked her several times until she finally answered the question..."When/how did you tell [Owl] that you were unhappy...and what did you tell him you were unhappy about?"

 

The truth is...she NEVER TOLD me she was unhappy. I knew it, but didn't have a clue on what to do to fix things. And our MC asked her a very good question..."How could you expect him to do anything to fix things if you never told him what was wrong???".

 

Have you told your H what you're unhappy about? Really? Point blankly, up front, here's the problems kind of discussion? And done your best to show him exactly how bad things were for you?

 

Remember this too friend...right now, you're looking back over your marriage through the lens of your 3 year affair. You're really not seeing it exactly how it was...I'm not making this up. It's a normal response that most people have when they've had/are having an affair. It's a mental process that their mind uses to help justify the affair in their mind. Not saying you're doing it deliberatly...you're not. You can't help it. But it CAN help you to know that this is the case. My wife went through the same thing.

 

Honestly...sit down and TALK with your H...even if its not about the affair, let him know just what you're feeling about everything else. And see if that leads you to do anything else.