How to keep an affair from happening again

[opheliaapplegate]

Newbby - no offense taken .. i put the question out there to get a response and owl makes sense.. i am concerned about what he (OM) thinks , i have a feelign i will always wonder what her thinks ... but i am also wondering about this subject in general.. i am only trying to make sense of everything.. trying to learn about what has been happening to me .. i am a strong believer in the more knowledge we have the more informed decisions we will make... and the less chance i will have at making the same mistake twice... and yes i am just as much a liar as he was.. i know i was .. it makes me wonder about my self and how i have gotten this far ... strange component here is that my intellect knows right from wrong but yet i chose the wrong path to maintain this relationship... i was just trying to get a glimpse as to what could be going on in the OM head "in general" like i said every situation is different... and unique to the people involved .. i like to think he cared for me and his feelings were sincere .. do i know this to be fact ... no... i can only go by what he was telling me and by our interactions .. were my feelings sincere ... yes absolutely... but that is not what i was hoping to gain insight about... i just wanted a perspective ... and maybe owl is right i need to focus on me but i thought that this could be helpful for me ...

[whichwayisup]

I do believe you need to focus on yourself. To understand, gain knowlegde is a good insight - To WHY you allowed this to happen. What frame of mind you were (are) in, what led you to this, and how you feel about YOU.

 

Take the time to reflect. Build on your self esteem and realize that YOU are deserving of man who will love JUST you and nobody else.

 

I'm sure he felt something, don't take that away from your experience. Just treat it like any other breakup. The EX factor...

 

Go read no foolin's thread in the coping section, it's a long thread but has helped many people. (It should be on the first page, it's called the Long Guided walk to NC or something similar to that.)

[Sami_D]

Again...the "right to privacy". What, exactly, are you referring too? The ability to send and receive emails and text messages with other people without your SO knowing what's in them? Again, show me where the harm in seeing what's in those emails is? How does letting your SO have the ability to see those emails compromise your quality of life? Now, I would agree completely that this would be a major issue if both parties couldn't agree on it...but at the same time, I struggle with understanding with why you WOULDN'T agree to it?

 

...But why should you WANT, or NEED privacy from your spouse or SO? Of any kind?

---

 

Last note...your comment about 'people who want to have an affair will find a way'. That I can also agree on. For every way to check up on someone, there are a dozen ways around it. But, limiting the OPPORTUNITIES for one to begin just makes sense, doesn't it?

 

If my wife had thought that I was reading her IM sessions and emails from the start, would she have ever even crossed that line in the first place? Probably not. The affair wouldn't have started, because both of them would have already been aware of the limits and would have been taking care not to cross them in the first place.

 

Owl, I think your perspective on 'rights to privacy' is very much affected by having been a BS. You're looking for reasons why someone would want privacy, the ability to express themselves to friends or relatives or anyone without their SO reading everything they wrote. You are asking what reasons could possibly override the necessity you feel for 'making sure' that your SO has no opportunity to deceive you. But that's a result of what's happened in your life. Most people don't look at things that way.

 

I would argue that Everyone needs that kind of outlet. Everyone needs to be able to discuss a R with people outside that R. And sometimes we have fears about a R which we might not want to share in so many words with our SO. Of course if we have real worries, once we've mulled them over with someone else... then it's time to bring it up with the SO. But having friends we can confide in is an important part of life.

 

When you talk about preventing an affair (or rather, minimising the possibilities of one occurring), you talk of it in ways that assume that the SO would want to be unfaithful, and blocking them from doing it. I don't think that's really going to work, given that (as most would agree), there are always going to be ways and means of being unfaithful. And all those checks (or threats of checks) would surely have a negative effect on re-building trust. Trust is about Trusting... not about checking... If you're checking, how can you be trusting?

 

The idea (I would have thought) is to focus on building the relationship, and intimacy, so that the SO doesn't feel the need to stray. Do you believe that's possible, or do you believe that people will cheat whatever the quality of the R they're in, as long as they have the opportunity?

[elmejor]

Newbby- Elmejor-

 

Not taking any of your posts as attacking or disrespectful, and if you have felt that any of mine have been that way, I apologize.

 

You're absolutely right about us being PARTNERS...which also means that we both should equally share everything as I understand it. That would also mean those computers, etc... As far as viewing the cell phone bills...there is no way anyone can possibly see something wrong with both spouses seeing the contents of the phone bill.

 

Again...the "right to privacy". What, exactly, are you referring too? The ability to send and receive emails and text messages with other people without your SO knowing what's in them? Again, show me where the harm in seeing what's in those emails is? How does letting your SO have the ability to see those emails compromise your quality of life? Now, I would agree completely that this would be a major issue if both parties couldn't agree on it...but at the same time, I struggle with understanding with why you WOULDN'T agree to it?

 

Remember too, my wife has equal access and ability to view MY stuff too. And as I've said, the 'need' to check up on her is pretty much non-existant at this time...don't remember the last time I DID do so.

 

But why should you WANT, or NEED privacy from your spouse or SO? Of any kind?...

 

My question is this...if you have nothing to hide, why would you even care if your SO COULD read your emails if he/she wanted to? What difference would it make to you if they could? How would that change your life?

 

In all sincerity Owl, I get the impression that you and your spouse will be just fine and you seem to care deeply for her. She had an EA, right? So that's a plus too, that you got right on the problem and you made it clear from the start of the whole mess that you loved her and wanted to work things out. If I were your W (which we agree will never happen lol), and you were nice to me and we had a love worth saving, of course having access to the cell records, etc. would not be a problem. My problem is the possibility of all emails, etc being subject to examination by the H. Does this mean listening in on all phone calls, too? Because, if people think their conversations are being overheard, they are going to censor themselves to an extent, IMO. Of course spouses do need privacy. I can assure you that some of the processes we women undergo in beauty shops and spas for example, men are way better off not knowing anything about, just trust me!