8 Year Relationship - Need Advice

[mra]

My ex and I was in a relationship for over 8 years. 2 years ago we had a child together, wasn't planned. About 6 months ago we split up. We split up due to my actions. I have never cheated on her but I did neglect her for years and I was a pretty selfish person. I didn't work for about 3 years and she was the one working and paying the bills and supporting me. On top of that I was a pot head (smoked pot all day/all night) for a very long time, so that didn't help things out with us because I was lazy and numb, if you will. Since I wasn't working I've caused her some debt on her credit as well and she isn't happy about that.

 

Since we've broken up, I've quit smoking pot (clean now for 6 months) and I don't think I will ever smoke again because I don't like how it made me act and not see things clearly.

I've also gotten a good job with huge company which I'm sure most of you have heard of. It pays decent, it's full time and it's a respectable job.I've purchased a respectable car as well (didn't have a car for about 4 years).

 

So I'm getting back on track.

 

Now I love my ex with all of my heart and I still love her to this day. It's been 6 months and I still think about her all of the time and I still have dreams about her almost every night (some are good and some are bad).

 

I would like a second chance with her so I can make her happy and give our son a good life (not splitting between parents, having a new dad/new mom, etc).

 

I should mention that before we had our son we did breakup for about a year. During the split up she gave me back the ring I gave her and she said it was over (when we split up this time, I gave her, her ring when she was grabbing her stuff from my place, and she hasn't given it back yet). Then about a year later, I was going to move-in -- out of the country with my new girlfriend. Once I told her my goodbye and that I was moving, she didn't want me to go and she wanted to give us another shot, so I broke all ties with my current girlfriend and we did give it another shot, and along came our son.

 

Currently we are decent friends. We can take our son places like to the park, etc.

I even asked her if I could take her to a concert (one of her favorite groups) -- I asked her about 2 months in advanced and she said she will think about it. We ended up going to the concert and having a good time, she also asked me if i wanted to go have drinks after the concert. We both had a good time but we agreed that we would only go as friends and it didn't mean anything.

 

Now I would like to give it another shot with my ex. I talked to her about this about a month ago, and at first she said NO. Then she says I'm not throwing out the possibly of us forever, but it won't happen in the near future, and she said she doesn't think its salvageable. I then said I can't wait forever -- as it's too much pain. If we can't try to work on it later down the road then I can't be your friend, as it's too much pain.

 

I feel that she still loves me, per her actions -- and I told her I think she still loves me, she said she still does love me but she isn't in love with me and there is too much anger and hate wrapped around the love. I was talking to her best friend's boyfriend at the local bar, and he said she still does love me and she is always talking about how good of a father I am.

 

I said when I get my life back on track and I become stable, which I think she needs to do as well (she isn't taking this well either) -- we should go to a couples counselor and see if this is salvageable and see if he can help us start over and help us deal with our issues.

 

She said she would be willing to go to the counselor, but she said, regarding us, she is going to do what she feels and not what the counselor says, so I'm not exactly sure what the point of the counselor would be. But I think we still should go and see what happens. I told her in about another six months I want to start going (which would be a year split apart).

 

Right now, she is seeing someone else, she sleeps over at his house whenever she gets a chance. She works late sometimes and gets off around 11:00pm/12:00am. I drive by her place on my way to work and I notice when she doesn't come home at nights. I also found out that she is seeing someone else for sure. I asked her about this earlier on before I knew about it, and she told me she wasn't seeing anyone else (she told me, I'm not ready to see anybody else) -- but then I did find out and found proof she was.

 

So I told her, you're free to see whoever you want to see, that's your business -- but do not bring this guy around our son and do not have him over at night when our son is staying at your place.

 

Another thing that confuses me is how can she see someone so soon? How can she actually be staying at this guys house and getting that involded with someone, so soon after our splitup, it makes me think she isn't the person I thought she was. But since we were together so long and she hasn't really been with anyone else, maybe this is her way of exploring? Maybe this is her way of healing or boosting her selfesteem? I don't know.

 

On that note, I watch my son most of the time and she has him maybe 2 days a week. I'm a great father and I love my son more then anything.

 

So what actions should I take to try to repair this relationship or to get her back rather? I know if I push and nag, I'll only push her further away. But I don't want to just let her go either. I also just don't want to sit back and wait forever. It's really hard to see her almost everyday and act happy, like nothing is wrong. Also since she is with someone else now, that really hurts a lot too. It's things I think about and dream about everyday/every night.

 

- Sorry for writing book. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Mistaken Identity]

Congratulations on turning your life around. I think it's great, too, that you're being a responsible father. But I am curious as to why you have your son so often? Anyway, I think your girlfriend may need some time to see that you really have changed. Speaking from experience, a woman loses respect for a man who doesn't work. If this is what has happened, you'll have to regain her respect. That will mean keeping your current commitments to work and to refrain from smoking pot.