No,no, he won't go! My husband won't go to counseling!

[Jules61381]

My husband and I were married almost 3 years ago, 10 days before he went to Iraq. He came back with unbridled anger towards me, because we didn't manage to save the $30,000 that he made while he was there (because apparently he didn't think that I would spend ANY being a student in college and all). While he was there, he became extremely angry and bitter because I would spend money (this is apparently how I cope with stress in this way, but not alot of money mind you...just GOING TO THE GROCERY STORE AND DAILY NECESSITIES). Anyway, he would look at the online bank account, and ask me about every single purchase I made. I wasn't allowed to spend the night at my friend's houses (which most of my girlfriends from college weren't married, so it was like I was acting like I was just a girlfriend to them, not a married army-wife, awaiting her husband to come home from battle). To get to the point of this story, my husband came back a very controlling person, and I have given up most of my friendships (not entirely, but I certainly don't talk to my friends as much as I should), and he has problems with insecurity and trust. I have never cheated on him...or would I ever think of such a thing. To be honest, he really doesn't have any kind of indication that I would ever do such a thing...I answered every single one of his phone calls while he was overseas. Now, I am finally standing up for myself and telling him what I need from our marriage...He has been supporting me financially because I am now in a Doctorate Program; and he seems to think that he can call all of the shots because he is financially responsible for me. He told me that he would rather divorce me than go to counseling. I haven't figured out his logic for this, but it has continually made me feel as though I'm completely unimportant to him. Moreover I feel as though while he was in Iraq, he put me on a pedestal. He dreamed of me and the person he imagined that I am. He gets home, and I'm not this wonderful, fantastic, obedient wife that he dreamed up, and he resents me for it. He actually has gotten so manipulative, he makes me believe I'm a terrible wife! My family and friends dislike him, and the last time I was home visiting my family, everyone made me feel like I should file for divorce tomorrow! I just don't know how to cope, and I fear that if he doesn't agree to go to counseling soon with me, I'm going to have to file for a seperation. I don't want to do this, because I do love him, but I want a happy marriage, where I don't have to constatly be worried about what I'm doing wrong:(

[Becoming]

Wow. So many layers here. There's the whole post-Iraq thing that's probably going on. There's you in a doctoral program, which may intimidate him. There's $$, which is really about power. There's suspicion of infidelity, which may be a screen because he hasn't been faithful?

 

I think here's a man who feels so out of control that he's trying to control what one thing in his world that means the most to him to ensure it won't go away--you. Everything's changed for him, including you. And he's probably feeling a little lost in this world back from Iraq.

 

But you have a right to your life and a happy marriage. His behavior is "manipulative and controlling." You're isolated from your friends. The stage is set for an abusive relationship. I'd tell him that you love him and that what you want is a happy marriage and that you don't have that. You'd like him to go to marriage counselling with you to sort some things out together so you can both have the marriage you'd like. Tell him that if you don't get some things bothering you addressed in this marriage that you're gonna have to leave and that you think counselling would be the best way to do that. Give him so much time to respond to the things you need to change in the marriage and then decide whether you want this to be your life.

 

I take it you're $$ dependent upon him, which makes leaving difficult. I suspect the more you pull away from the relationship the more controlling he'll get out of fear of losing you. You need to start formulating a plan for living on your own because if he refuses to get help for whatever reason, I think you're gonna have to leave to save yourself and your sanity.

[Outcast]

Don't the armed services have post-deployment type counseling for couples since so many go through just such problems. If I'm not mistaken, he can be ordered to take it if you told his CO. That might be a 'last straw' type option for you.

[Becoming]

Yeah, check that. From what I understand, though, many men waive that benefit upon discharge without knowing they really need it. And some find that they're put in groups with VietNam or even WWII vets and their experiences are quite different. It really does sound like some post traumatic stress that he needs help with. But he may have a belief that "real men don't do counselling" that's gonna hurt him. Maybe hearing from someone he thinks of as "a real man" who's had counselling and how it benefitted him and/or his marriage would be really helpful. Know anyone who could do that for you?

[Jules61381]

Actually, he is now out of the military, and if any of you are aware of the kind of treatment that the military gives you after you get out, it's not fantastic. He doesn't have access to any bases anymore, unless he re-enlists, even though he is inactive. Inactive means that he doesn't drill anymore, but he could be called up if they need him.

 

This is an option for us, but we have to travel a long ways just to see the Chaplin that does this for his unit that he was in. We have no other option if we were to go this way, this is the only Chaplin that we can go to.

 

I think I'm really aggressive when it comes to bringing up the issues that I think that we need to address, so I've tried so hard to back down, and bring one thing up at a time. I want it all to be better right now, but having experienced the rejection of not wanting to talk about it, and completly disregarding anything that I say about it by "I don't want to talk about it right now", when he really means "we don't need to talk about it because I don't have a problem".

 

I've been told so many times by him that "counseling is for crazy people", and that "people are putting these ideas in your head", which constantly makes me feel alienated from our relationship because I haven't got a brain to think for myself according to him. I have told him this countless times, but I think he just tunes me out now. I have atteneded the counselor at my school because it's free; he's actually an academic counselor, but I've found that it's very one-sided, and I want my husband to be there to either defend himself or actually agree with what I'm saying.

 

The way I view my husband's attitude about our relationship is that everything will just go away as long as we keep our fights to a minimum and we can still have sex 2 or 3 times a week. He thinks that married couples are this elite class of humans that don't do anything with people that aren't married, the wife doesn't tell everything and anything to her mother (even though I've been close with my mother and grandmother my entire life), doesn't talk about our situations with other people, certainly no discussion of our sex life to a wive's girlfriends, the wife can't ever go out with her girlfriends without her husband (because why wouldn't she want him there?), and never, ever, ever admit to anyone else that there is a problem. It's obvious to other people though because we are constantly slamming each other in front of people when we go out with co-workers or class-mates, and our tension between us...which eventually turns into sexual tension. We are competetive. We like to push each others buttons. My husband admits that he likes to see how mad I can get at him, and I fall for it every single time.

 

I have suggested to fix the fights about money that (because I get an overage check for my financial aid to cover living expenses for the trimester, plus I am a teacher's assistant a couple of hours a week, I make small wages), I put my money in one of our 2 other checking accounts, so in a way it's almost like we have our own money, even though we still have access to each other's money, it's more seperate that way, and we just pay for 1/2 of everything. The only reason I'm willing to do this is to eliminate our fights, and eventually one day, I will have a business account that he will have access to, but at my discretion, because it will be MY BUSINESS. Anyway, he's completely shot this down, even when I tell him that his own parent's have seperate checking accounts, as my parent's do too.

 

Thanks for listening...I've got so much to get out....

[poohgirl101]

My husband came back from Afghanistan 14 months ago and things were fine. He did have some anger/anxiety issues, but not to the extent you've described. He started going to a psychiatrist that our family physician recommended, and they put him on stimulants, anti-depressants, and anti-psychotics. Now why this combination--it is beyond me. The stimulants made him more edgy and nervous. Can't tell if the anti-depressants did anything, but the anti-psychotics would literally knock him out.

For some reason, he decided to go to the VA for treatment. Every since he's been going there, he's come back with these OFF THE WALL stories about how he's having flashbacks of all these missions he went on, and they are messing with his mind, and he will never be the same blah blah blah. The stories got so far fetched that I finally started checking with some of the folks he went overseas with. I found out NONE of what he described EVER happened. All he did was man the radio's at night, and a "driver" by day. He was never in a totally life threatening situation, although they did receive indirect mortar fire. I came home from work 2 weeks ago to find he had taken all his belongings, and was moving out. (I was/am devastated because I never saw it coming.) About midnight that night, he phoned because he was out driving around. Obviously he had no place to stay so he came by. We talked a while and he still insisted he "wasn't going to get any better" and this is the best thing he can do for me. I finally busted him with his story and told him everything I knew about what he did, and I had solid proof I could provide him with. He then decided that his ex wife had revamped their child custody papers that if he got a place of his own, that he could start seeing his children again. Mind you, HE volunteered to give up his visitations during court, and has only seen the kids about 10 times in the past 10 years.

Anyhow, I figure he's probably having an affair, and this was his chicken crap way of getting out of the marriage, so I have started divorce proceedings.

 

Pardon my rant, the whole purpose was to inform you that your husband can go to the local Veteran's Administration office and fill out hundreds of pages of paperwork, but eventually, he can receive treatment for PTSD from those that have been in combat and can relate to what he's going through emotionally & mentally.