InfiniteDarkness Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 so this is basically the same problem everybody has, but I'm looking for advice because this is driving me nuts :/ sorry if this is long, or even repetitive, but I have to write all this somewhere to feel better this is the story, I'll try to put some order into it (excuse any errors, but all this happened in Spain, our home country) almost 2 years ago, I met this girl (let's call her J) while hanging out with some friends... I knew she had a boyfriend so I didn't really think about her on anything serious, because they looked very happy and I didn't want to get into their stuff. so we started becoming more friends, and eventually we became best friends pretty fast, probably because we share the same personality, we like the same things, we don't drink/smoke, we're of the same age (now 21 & 21) etc everything was normal friendship until 7 or 8 months ago, when I started feeling something serious about J. I thought it was temporary, but it has been like this until now, and I feel like she's the only girl I want to be with and nobody else is as perfect for me as she is. anyways, in june I had to move to the US, but we kept talking through the internet every day. finally J broke up with her boyfriend in september, but after that she is acting "strange" (not strange, but uncommon), some times she asks me to come back through emails, she tells me i'm like a brother for her, I'm the best guy in the world, etc, she only listens to music I send her, she also talks to me a lot more and sends me pictures of her with her friends (that kills me, I have almost 50 pictures of her now and can't stop looking at them) now her ms. BestGirlFriend comes into play (whom I'll call M. from now on). M adores me and thinks I'm cute and I'm a great person, so she doesn't think bad about me at all. we are close friends too. so some weeks ago J went out of home with some friends for 4 days to hang out, and I felt very jealous about it, because she'd be with lots of other guys, and after a failed relationship I thought she would try to find another person... anyways I felt so bad that I told M: "if she's having fun, why am I feeling so bad?" in a desperate need to talk to somebody (no answer received). from that point on, every time I talk to J, she starts the conversations with kisses, says she misses me, treats me differently, dunno, things she had never done in 2 weeks I'm going back to Spain for 40 days, and now she offered me to stay in her house with her parents for a week or 2 (M told me I was going to have unforgettable moments in there, god knows why she said that), and she got suddenly interested to go on a trip with me and some friends to 3 or 4 days to Andorra (she had said "no it's too far away" before my "confession") It's been strange, because I've never seen her after she broke with her BF, so I have no signs of what she feels about me, only instant messaging, but that doesn't count I guess, so I don't really know if she's sending me signals of what she feels, or just that she's doing what a plain and common best friend does. I'd really like to "upgrade" this friendship to something more serious... I don't see myself living my life with anybody else, I feel like she was made for me, so I'm thinking about showing her what I feel by subtle means... am I in the right way? what should I do? do you think this will turn out right? thanks for reading everything, I'd appreciate any advice anyone can give me PD sorry for the long post and the language/grammar, but it's not my native language and it's 4AM (not a good combination) Link to post Share on other sites
travellingman Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 thanks for reading everything, I'd appreciate any advice anyone can give me GO FOR IT! You obviously want her, and being her best friend is not going to satisfy you. You'll regret it later if you don't make a move. Even if something goes wrong, you should know that these "brother-sister" relationships lose a lot of their strength when you get older and marry other people. Link to post Share on other sites
noclobber Posted December 11, 2005 Share Posted December 11, 2005 Please remember that if you start as friends with a woman you can never ever become her boyfriend!!!! it does not matter whether she seems likes she is sending u signals.... women do it all the time for some warped reason that doesn't make sense... if u think she is interested and tell her ur feelings she will say "i only like u as a friend". to top it all this woman says she likes u like a brother! what more clue do u want? please don't fall for her. that will only result in heart-ache... she likes u only as a friend not as a boyfriend... date some other women Link to post Share on other sites
rd1978 Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 thats b.s. i have hooked up with a couple of close friends and at time could have had a serious relationship with them,, no clobber does have a point and its more likely that they will want to remain just friends but its not always liek that ,, and yes it may be easier to just find something else but you alway have that "what if" im going through something similar to you right now Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 Please remember that if you start as friends with a woman you can never ever become her boyfriend!!!! That's just one of those Loveshack-spun philosophies that gets thrown out every now and again. If the chemistry or potential for chemistry is there, being friends won't change that. It'll just give you more opportunity to do something about it. Link to post Share on other sites
noclobber Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 That's just one of those Loveshack-spun philosophies that gets thrown out every now and again. If the chemistry or potential for chemistry is there, being friends won't change that. It'll just give you more opportunity to do something about it. i beg to differ Lindya... this is not just a LS spun philosophy... its based on real life experiences... i am curious as hell to know why women refuse to date their guy friends just because they started as friends despite connecting deeply at all levels... to top it all they also feel betrayed when a guy friend of theirs opens up... they right away assume that the guy used the friendship as cover to get intimate with her... whatever... if they prefer to sleep only with strangers in the name of dating then so be it.... Link to post Share on other sites
luvtoto Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 Infinitedarkness, I met a man online a year and a half ago. When I met him in person, he told me he was crazy about me. I, like a dumbass, told him I just wanted to stay friends...wasn't over my x...blahblahblah. He was not my type. He was attractive, don't get me wrong. Just didn't feel anything for him. Well, our friendship is still going strong and things just keep getting better and better between us. I've told him how I feel about him and he's told me the same. He makes me feel like the most wonderful woman on earth! He'll do just about anything for me and my kids. We are not dating because he just got divorced a year ago, and is scared to jump in again. In the process...I have fallen completely head over heals for this guy. :love: Shocked the hell out of me. So, yes, IT IS possible to be just friends first and fall in love later... Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 i beg to differ Lindya... this is not just a LS spun philosophy... its based on real life experiences... So is my view It does happen, NoClobber...not always, but certainly sometimes. Especially if you have two quite shy individuals who take a while to become comfortable enough with eachother to take the chemistry a stage further. Link to post Share on other sites
noclobber Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 So is my view It does happen, NoClobber...not always, but certainly sometimes. Especially if you have two quite shy individuals who take a while to become comfortable enough with eachother to take the chemistry a stage further. yeah it happens sometimes... but i just think they r exceptions... why women do not want to date their guy friends is beyond me... may be the female members of LS can give the explanation... i am right now so so so upset b'cos the woman of my dreams refused to date me... we started as friends and i cudn't ask her out b'cos she had an LDR boyfriend at that time... after they broke up i asked her out and she said she only appreciates me as a friend... God, i adore this woman and i want to be with her but there is nothing i can do about it... i dunno whether she is not going out with me b'cos she is still not over her ex or she really doesn't have feelings for me... i asked her just 2 weeks after her break-up... she was with that guy for almost 3 years... but anyway, she still hangs out with me.. we r continuing as friends... Link to post Share on other sites
Yamaha Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 why women do not want to date their guy friends is beyond me... The number #1 reason is lack of attraction. Women don't want to tell you that because then you will not give them information about the guys they do want to date. Link to post Share on other sites
noclobber Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 The number #1 reason is lack of attraction. Women don't want to tell you that because then you will not give them information about the guys they do want to date. hahaha... good one Yamaha! makes sense... in my specific case my girl never mentioned about her BF, not once... and she has never ever talked about other guys too... even now when she is single... whatever Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 i am right now so so so upset b'cos the woman of my dreams refused to date me... we started as friends and i cudn't ask her out b'cos she had an LDR boyfriend at that time... after they broke up i asked her out and she said she only appreciates me as a friend... God, i adore this woman and i want to be with her but there is nothing i can do about it... i dunno whether she is not going out with me b'cos she is still not over her ex or she really doesn't have feelings for me... i asked her just 2 weeks after her break-up... she was with that guy for almost 3 years... Uh oh. A friend of mine was in this position a few years ago. He was all fired up to ask another of his female friends out after she split up with her boyfriend. I convinced him to hold fire a bit so that she didn't feel pressurised. People often need a decent chunk of time to recover from a break up before they dive back into the dating game. Link to post Share on other sites
Yamaha Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 hahaha... good one Yamaha! makes sense... in my specific case my girl never mentioned about her BF, not once... and she has never ever talked about other guys too... even now when she is single... whatever But she probably talks about men in general. She gets information about how guys think and that helps her in getting the guys she wants. If she doesn't talk about a b/f to you it means she doesn't think you feel romantic towards her so she doesn't have to bring him up. Link to post Share on other sites
noclobber Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 Uh oh. A friend of mine was in this position a few years ago. He was all fired up to ask another of his female friends out after she split up with her boyfriend. I convinced him to hold fire a bit so that she didn't feel pressurised. People often need a decent chunk of time to recover from a break up before they dive back into the dating game. totally agree Lindya... i asked her out in just 2 weeks b'cos of the following reasons:- 1) for some reason i thought she dumped him! but now i am wondering whether it was the other way round. she said she feels broken inside... why wud a woman feel broken if she dumped the guy... they wud only relieved.. not sure.. 2) i didn't want to enter the friend-zone b'cos i know that once i go there i can't come out. well even today she is a big puzzle not just to me but also to all the members that replied to my positng (thread = Rebounds).. she never ever mentioned about her BF... also she never talks about other guys to me.. the only time she mentioned about her BF was when she said that they broke up.. Link to post Share on other sites
noclobber Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 But she probably talks about men in general. She gets information about how guys think and that helps her in getting the guys she wants. If she doesn't talk about a b/f to you it means she doesn't think you feel romantic towards her so she doesn't have to bring him up. nope.. she doesn't talk about men in general too... when we meet all we have is just pure fun.. that's it. Link to post Share on other sites
luvtoto Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 Uh oh. A friend of mine was in this position a few years ago. He was all fired up to ask another of his female friends out after she split up with her boyfriend. I convinced him to hold fire a bit so that she didn't feel pressurised. People often need a decent chunk of time to recover from a break up before they dive back into the dating game. I agree, lindya. People do need time to recover. He told me that it wouldn't be fair to me to start something in the shadow of his relationship with her. He really loved her. His respect for his x-wife made me love him even more!!!! I respect him so much. If it doesn't work out with him...I know in the future, I will never judge another man with a first impression. Sorry, getting of the subject a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
noclobber Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 I agree, lindya. People do need time to recover. He told me that it wouldn't be fair to me to start something in the shadow of his relationship with her. He really loved her. His respect for his x-wife made me love him even more!!!! I respect him so much. If it doesn't work out with him...I know in the future, I will never judge another man with a first impression. Sorry, getting of the subject a bit. luvtoto, a bit off-topic but i am curious to know whether people need time even if they did the dumping? in my case i am not sure whether my girl dumped or she got dumped... i assumed that she dumped her BF but later realized that it was she that got dumped... Link to post Share on other sites
luvtoto Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 yeah it happens sometimes... but i just think they r exceptions... why women do not want to date their guy friends is beyond me... may be the female members of LS can give the explanation. When I first met my guy friend, I got this sense of desperation from him. Turned me off completely. I just felt like he didn't want me...he just wanted someone to take his pain away while going through his divorce. But, throughout this past year or so...he has showed me how independent he has become. He became much more attractive to me!! He motocrosses with his two boys, boats, goes on weekend vacations with his buddies. But, he still keeps in regular touch with me. Calls me frequently and makes me feel very special. I am gonna marry that man someday!!! Hahaha! Link to post Share on other sites
luvtoto Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 luvtoto, a bit off-topic but i am curious to know whether people need time even if they did the dumping? in my case i am not sure whether my girl dumped or she got dumped... i assumed that she dumped her BF but later realized that it was she that got dumped... Well, his x-wife initially dumped him. She started dating another guy right away. Can you imagine? 17 yrs of marriage...ouch!! He wanted to move on right away, too. But, the only person he wanted to move on with was me. He didn't want to hurt me with the rebound thing...so he decided to remain single...and stay friends with me. Then, his x saw that he was doing pretty good without her...then she wanted him back. He was strong enough to say,"hell no!' so he more-or-less dumped her. So...basically, they were both dumpee's. Kind of same situation...she dumped, but then he dumped. Link to post Share on other sites
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