Why do I feel guilty about moving on?

[GuySimple]

I have been separated for a few months now and have started to get my new life in order. Work is going much better and I am able to concentrate much better. My relationship with the kids is going well. They come to my place on a regular basis both on the weekend and during the week. They seem to be very comfortable. My personal life has even been going well. I have met a few people and one has become fairly close and there is a good potential for a more serious relationship with her.

 

I still have a good relationship with my wife, albeit sometimes a bit strained due to personalities and the fact that emotions are still fairly fresh. But, overall I am fairly happy with the way things are turning out.

 

However, I do notice that my wife, who actually initiated the separation and request to consider divorce, is not very happy. She seems to be quite stressed and I haven’t heard her laugh or be relaxed in months. When we first separated she seemed to be a bit happier. But over the past month she has become increasingly short with me and somewhat adversarial for relatively minor things. The latest thing was today when I was helping with the outside Christmas decorations, I told her that before she puts the inside ones away in January we should divide them up between the two of us. She became very adversarial so I dropped the subject.

 

I have asked her on occasion if she has ever thought about reconciliation, not because I am really that interested (too much has been said and I have moved on) but to try and figure out what is going through her mind. She is very adamant that “we will never be married again”.

 

So I don’t understand if someone gets what they wanted and gets the chance to move on why they would not be happier. When she talks about our separation being the best thing it sounds like a very programmed response. I am starting to feel guilty about getting my life in order and being happy. In the end I want us to have a good relationship.

[Trimmer]

GS - here's my question: did she really get what she wanted? I am very much in your situation - separated, focussing on myself and very joyfully on my kids, healing, learning, and moving on. And while early on, I would have chewed off an arm or anything like it to "have her back", I offered everything I had and it was turned down, and so now I'm past it and I don't really see a way back either.

 

And through it all, I am still completely in the dark as to what my STBX wanted or wants out of this process. I know that she got what she asked for, but I still don't know what she wants, and I wonder if she really knows exactly what that is. I know that something was wrong, and I assume she had needs that weren't being met, and I assume I should have been meeting them, but she gave up on me, and decided that she needed to solve the problem by divorcing me. So she asked for a divorce, which she is getting, but I don't know that that is going to get her what she wants, at least in the short term.

 

I sort of wonder if she thinks the problem was just being married to me, and that if she just eliminated that obstacle, that she would be stepping through a gate into a field filled with happiness, or fulfillment or whatever it is she wants - that it would just happen to her. I fear for her, though, that the problem is more than just that, and although eliminating me from the picture may have been one possible step on the road to happiness, she may still have some significant work to do to get there, and it's not necessarily going to just come find her.

 

Frankly, in a twisted way, leaving me may have been an unintentional gift from her, as the shock forced me to start an intense building, learning process, and I have really stepped up to take responsibility for my own future in a way that maybe I wasn't doing before. And this is both wonderful and horribly sad, for all along I have maintained that she was throwing away, in me, perhaps an imperfect shell, but one filled with potential and desire to be a good and better husband. It's a bitter irony - how many times do you hear a leaving spouse say something like 'it's just too late, you didn't "get it" until I left', and yet I'm here to tell you, there's nothing that could have changed me for the better more deeply and intensely than this process has.

 

Put more simply, back when it seemed that you were the root of her problems, it seemed like getting rid of you would therefore solve her problems, but the reality of her life after leaving you may not be as automatically wonderful as she had imagined. Probably could have replaced the last 4 paragraphs with that one sentence, but I do tend to ramble on...

 

Grass; greener; not.

 

As to the guilt, I am familiar with this feeling. At first look, I would have expected that she would get what she asked for, she would move on in her life scenario, and I would be crushed and bitter. Her: happy. Me: sad. Now that I am past the I-want-to-pull-my-fingernails-out-slowly-one-at-a-time-with-vice-grips-because-it-would-hurt-less-than-this phase, and I am accepting and even embracing the vision of my future that does not include her as a wife, things are reversed from what I would have expected. Me: happy. Her: maybe not so much. I think some of my guilt, irrational as it may be, may come from a lingering connection and concern for her, as if I don't deserve my happiness because I have failed once again to make her happy, even with the sacrifice of our own marriage.

 

Another component to my guilt that I'm pretty sure of, comes from my feeling that my acceptance of my future without her is a kind of a betrayal of that which I stayed loyal to for as long as I could - our marriage. Even though she discarded it long before, I still felt some sense that if I was strong and could keep my dedication to our marriage, that she might get through the fog and "come back to it" or something like that. And just like the horrible feeling searchers must feel when they eventually have to give up a search after it has been just too long, I feel like my acceptance of our divorce - my recognition that it was inevitable - was "giving up", betraying the faith.

 

But it has to happen at some point - you have to give up the search, and you have to accept the future. And you hope that you can go to sleep knowing that you did everything you could, and that has to be good enough.

 

She got what she asked for; I hope she will make the best of it.

[Devils Advocate]

I have been separated for a few months now and have started to get my new life in order. Work is going much better and I am able to concentrate much better. My relationship with the kids is going well. They come to my place on a regular basis both on the weekend and during the week. They seem to be very comfortable. My personal life has even been going well. I have met a few people and one has become fairly close and there is a good potential for a more serious relationship with her.

 

I still have a good relationship with my wife, albeit sometimes a bit strained due to personalities and the fact that emotions are still fairly fresh. But, overall I am fairly happy with the way things are turning out.

 

However, I do notice that my wife, who actually initiated the separation and request to consider divorce, is not very happy. She seems to be quite stressed and I haven’t heard her laugh or be relaxed in months. When we first separated she seemed to be a bit happier. But over the past month she has become increasingly short with me and somewhat adversarial for relatively minor things. The latest thing was today when I was helping with the outside Christmas decorations, I told her that before she puts the inside ones away in January we should divide them up between the two of us. She became very adversarial so I dropped the subject.

 

I have asked her on occasion if she has ever thought about reconciliation, not because I am really that interested (too much has been said and I have moved on) but to try and figure out what is going through her mind. She is very adamant that “we will never be married again”.

 

So I don’t understand if someone gets what they wanted and gets the chance to move on why they would not be happier. When she talks about our separation being the best thing it sounds like a very programmed response. I am starting to feel guilty about getting my life in order and being happy. In the end I want us to have a good relationship.

 

She's not having as much fun as she thought she would with you gone. That's the simple answer. she anticipated that she could go back to having the kind of freedom and uninhibited life she had before marriage but keep the freedoms she had while being married. and it's not working out that way.

 

She's stressed because she has to deal with the kids all the time now (she can't just look over and have you do it or draw on your presence for support), and since you're gone she's realizing that now the bills can't be split and she has to pay them all from HER money (yes you're contributing but the look of it has changed).

Things are a lot more complicated than she expected them to be and then she see's you living the life she expected to have. Free to improve yourself, do what you want to do and have fun with the kids. She's now the full-time disciplinarian, warden and focus of dislike for the kids. Your time with them looks good and fun while her's looks like work and no fun.

 

She see's you as free and herslef as even more tied down now and she's jealous of you. Your guilt is misplaced, you didn't put her in this position she did.

[trickynj99]

Trimmer and Guy!! I have been reading your posts with great interest..and you guys have posted on mine as well... I am earlier on in the same exact game you guys are playing..(not really a game, i know)..so guy forgive me for stepping on your thread but its in the hope we are sharing the pain a little

 

to summarize,,,i blew it...i neglected my wife(didnt know it)...she finally gave up on me, then she finally TOLD ME, now i'm a pretty great guy!!! hehe....so do counseling, lose weight, suck it up, on it goes...trimmer..you're description of the suffering is right on..how did i make it thru the year???

 

fast forward to today... we split on dec 28/29...telling the kids first chance we get no later than this weekend...we split bills, i sign the lease on monday for my place, i'm back in therapy...everything my wife wanted all year she is now getting ... i finally gave up.. i'll move out of my own fricking house

she knows i'm great with the kids, i will be there for them at all times..everything we are doing is on her terms...i just dont care anymore ...pile it on...i can take it..AS LONG AS THE KIDS ARE OK...

 

so here we are , 5 DAYS (DAYS!!!!) after finalizing our plans..and i can't wait till the 28th...i feel empowered and ready to try this...i place our chances at a solid 50/50 in other words i have no fricking idea... i beleive in vows, (catholic), commitment, i will put up with a less than perfect marraige for my family, but not a loveless marriage...i FINALLY FINALLY realized this in fits and starts but at least i'm feeling like a person

 

the thing is....my wife is now miserable...cries all day, all night in bed...gets up at 3am and goes on the computer...she says she feels guilty, feels sorry for me, that i'm a great guy....WTF...now i'm not even out yet ....part of me reacts that this is the woman i married, who i still love and she doesnt really want me to go... i strongly feel though that i must tough this out and walk out the door no matter what happens in the next 2 weeks.....

 

based on what Guy is saying, this might be some typical behavior we are seeing and it might help to have a professional comment on whether it means anything...

 

my 2 cents to guy is to stay true to yourself

you said you wanted a good relationship, just make sure you are carrying your end of the bargain so if things go bad you dont have something to really feel guilty about....FEAR GUILT ANGER...those are the killers....doesnt matter what ther FEAR is OF, or you're GUILTY BECAUSE OF or what you are ANGRY AT,,,,doesnt matter -- those feelings/emotions are wreckers...i try to fight them with being honest with myself, and being kind and generous to everyone...i'm not always that good at it-or iwouldnt be in this mess...but its not for lack of trying......so give up the guilt-- JUST DO IT!!!! i keep saying that to myself everyday