michellebelle Posted December 11, 2005 Share Posted December 11, 2005 I dont need a morality lesson.I'm a christian so this makes it ten times worse.I havent done anything...yet,just flirting.I'm crazy about him but I dont know if he likes me or not.This guy has made major eye contact,good body signals...he is also married.But hes giving mixed signals.In the past he has walked in to where I was sitting gazed at me with wide eyes in total silence for 6 seconds and i pulled away first.Then he got really quiet.I have caught him staring at me numerous times.His eye contact hasnt been as frequent lately but I still catch him staring. He is definitly not giving me the "i find you repulsive" body language. He has no problem being in my personal space.I'm sorry but i would go for him in a nano second.My husband is one of these where sex is on his terms and time,its very boring and he never makes an effort to make me satified,he satisfies himself.I'm being neglected.I feel guilty enough but I'm about to explode.This man is also a professional so I'm wondering if I'm not mistaking flirting for friendliness.But how many guys stare to be friendly then look away quick when I look up.I also need to vent to get this off my chest. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted December 11, 2005 Share Posted December 11, 2005 Stop now before you do something you regret. Find a marriage renewal course to go on with your husband. Or divorce him and then start looking. But don't keep playing this game. In 99.99 % of cases, it doesn't work out well. Link to post Share on other sites
travellingman Posted December 11, 2005 Share Posted December 11, 2005 Stop now before you do something you regret. Find a marriage renewal course to go on with your husband. Or divorce him and then start looking. But don't keep playing this game. In 99.99 % of cases, it doesn't work out well. Right, like it's just that easy. For the connection to build with no sex, there is clearly something in the conversation she's getting that she doesn't from her husband, and no marriage counselor can make someone a more interesting person. Yes, it's a tough situation, but she will feel incredibly empty if she just walks away from this guy. Only thing I would caution against is rushing into bed with the guy, better to let the emotional bond build as much as possible withouth sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted December 11, 2005 Share Posted December 11, 2005 Hello michelle. There are a few ex-OW on here who have similar stories to yours, and there are some recent threads discussing exactly this situation at work. I am sure newbby would be able to give you some pointers based on her first-hand experience of this... and how it panned out. My advice is the same as Outcast's... you might be feeling neglected in your M now, but adding to your woes by feeling neglected in an EMA with someone at work isn't the answer to your problems. Work on your M... ultimately, it will be the best route, I think. Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted December 11, 2005 Share Posted December 11, 2005 Right, like it's just that easy. For the connection to build with no sex, there is clearly something in the conversation she's getting that she doesn't from her husband, and no marriage counselor can make someone a more interesting person. Yes, it's a tough situation, but she will feel incredibly empty if she just walks away from this guy. Only thing I would caution against is rushing into bed with the guy, better to let the emotional bond build as much as possible withouth sex. Sorry to disagree before michelle has even got back to the thread herself yet, but... What conversation? She's only talked about flirting, eye contact and body language. As for MC not making a spouse more interesting... that's not the point of MC. The point of MC is making (or trying to make) the Relationship work between two people. It's not about 'interesting' and dull people. Anyone can be 'fascinating' at work when they haven't yet run out of scintillating (but baseless) conversation. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted December 11, 2005 Share Posted December 11, 2005 Yes, it's a tough situation, but she will feel incredibly empty if she just walks away from this guy So? Noplace does it say that anybody has the right to go off and invade someone else's marriage and/or wound their own because they feel 'empty'. You feel empty, you find ways to deal that do not include ruining marriages. Babies believe they should get everything they want. As we grow into adults, we learn that life isn't like that and we learn how to deal. What ever happened to that? I've known married men who seem interested who I'd be very interested in. I know single guys who'd snap me up if I'd say ok. In the first case, I have no right to take what I want. In the second, I have no right to use people for companionship if I can't return their feelings. So while I might be lacking certain things in my life that I'd like to have, too bad. I won't die. There are hearts that don't deserve to be wounded by me. This way, the only wound is mine and I'm a grownup and will handle it. Link to post Share on other sites
travellingman Posted December 11, 2005 Share Posted December 11, 2005 As we grow into adults, we learn that life isn't like that and we learn how to deal. What ever happened to that? Because sometimes two people are meant to be together, and people often marry for the wrong reasons at the wrong times. Love and marriage are two different things, and to deny yourself happiness because you want to be a Puritan is ridiculous. Link to post Share on other sites
dumbojumbo Posted December 11, 2005 Share Posted December 11, 2005 Because sometimes two people are meant to be together, and people often marry for the wrong reasons at the wrong times. Love and marriage are two different things, and to deny yourself happiness because you want to be a Puritan is ridiculous. finally a good insight on this. If the marriage is so strong, no other man or woman can invaded to other's unless the other end just want to have a sexually relationship. But i do agree one has to end their bad relationship first before starting a new one. Link to post Share on other sites
opheliaapplegate Posted December 11, 2005 Share Posted December 11, 2005 Michellebelle The attraction is there - this OM has ignited a spark in you that your husaband has been neglecting - before you go running off into the arms of this M - let your husband know how you feel - communicate with him, let him know you are feeling neglected and discuss with him things he can do to help you feel better - I have been in your shoes -my affair started in very much the same way yours did - we work together (he is also a professional), we flirted with each other, he would come into my office every day to say hello, he would stare at me from down the hall until i broke his gaze, he called and paid a lot of attention to me and once we kissed and crossed that line our affair lasted for three years - we just recently ended it and i am so broken hearted - in the past three years we rollercoasted through being together, breaking-up, not being able to keep away from eachother, feeling guilty - I can not tell you how difficult it is on you emotionally - It is so hard to resist the feelings you are having right now but believe me for all the joy and ecstasy you will have with him the equal amount of guilt and heartache will follow - what ever decsion you make - stay true to yourself - and do what is best for yourself - but if i could've changed one thing it would've been to give my H the opportunity to try and make things better between us - once the affair started i grew apart from my H and all the attention and energy i gave to my OM i should've been giving to my marriage - and now that my affair is over I am trying to do that but it is difficult - so please think long and hard before you cross that line Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted December 11, 2005 Share Posted December 11, 2005 and people often marry for the wrong reasons at the wrong times. So then they should divorce. Love and marriage are two different things, and to deny yourself happiness because you want to be a Puritan is ridiculous. Um. What about an affair is 'happiness'? It's half a relationship or less. Nothing romantic about that. It's about self-respect. Love and marriage shouldn't be 'two different things' and if someone is in a marriage where he feels he doesn't belong, then he needs to be a man and leave. What's attractive about cowardice? Link to post Share on other sites
travellingman Posted December 11, 2005 Share Posted December 11, 2005 Um. What about an affair is 'happiness'? It's half a relationship or less. Nothing romantic about that. It's about self-respect. Love and marriage shouldn't be 'two different things' and if someone is in a marriage where he feels he doesn't belong, then he needs to be a man and leave. Yes, and we should all live in a gumdrop house on lollipop lane. Really would be nice if everything was as simple as you're making it out to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted December 11, 2005 Share Posted December 11, 2005 It's not that complex. But people like to throw up a fog of complexity to make it seem all big and mysterious and romantic. It's not romantic. It's sordid. Romantic is doing the right thing by everyone. It's having the courage of your convictions. Link to post Share on other sites
travellingman Posted December 11, 2005 Share Posted December 11, 2005 It's not romantic. It's sordid. Romantic is doing the right thing by everyone. It's having the courage of your convictions. Always easier to preach to others than to make difficult decisions yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted December 11, 2005 Share Posted December 11, 2005 I am sure newbby would be able to give you some pointers based on her first-hand experience of this... and how it panned out. are you taking the p, sami d? Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted December 11, 2005 Share Posted December 11, 2005 Always easier to preach to others than to make difficult decisions yourself. Always easy to make assumptions. Link to post Share on other sites
travellingman Posted December 11, 2005 Share Posted December 11, 2005 Anyone can be 'fascinating' at work when they haven't yet run out of scintillating (but baseless) conversation. No they can't. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted December 11, 2005 Share Posted December 11, 2005 michelle belle, i am afraid to let you down in this. i do not have any experience of this situation, have never been married myself. i do have a few questions. 1. is this other guy married? 2. why dont you get divorced? Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted December 11, 2005 Share Posted December 11, 2005 It is often that complex. Poor marriages don't always result in affairs... but being unhappy in a marriage is a story which is all over this site. Not all marriages can be 'saved'... often the other partner doesn't feel the need to change things. We can read plenty on LS about one M partner wanting MC and the other not being interested. IF, someone is unhappy in their M, is willing to work on it but the other partner isn't, but still wants to remain married (for the children, for financial, religious, social reasons), then what do they do..? Resign themselves to never having their needs met..? That's not really practicable. It's not as black and white as all that. Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted December 11, 2005 Share Posted December 11, 2005 No they can't. Well perhaps not everyone can . But it's a good deal easier for a stranger to appear fascinating than it is for the person you live with to have that effect. Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted December 11, 2005 Share Posted December 11, 2005 are you taking the p, sami d? No. Am I getting your story mixed up with someone elses..? I thought you had an A with someone at work, and it all started in much the same way... with him coming on to you in the office..? Many apologies if I have my wires crossed. I shouldn't have been so lazy and gone and looked up the threads myself! Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted December 11, 2005 Share Posted December 11, 2005 no, dont worry, there are so many stories on here its near impossible to remember those that are not exceptional. my story was all a long time ago aswell. Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted December 11, 2005 Share Posted December 11, 2005 michelle belle, i am afraid to let you down in this. i do not have any experience of this situation, have never been married myself. i do have a few questions. 1. is this other guy married? 2. why dont you get divorced? Yes, newbby... she said he is M in her OP. Which is why I thought of your story (or what I have in my head is your story). Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted December 11, 2005 Share Posted December 11, 2005 no, dont worry, there are so many stories on here its near impossible to remember those that are not exceptional. my story was all a long time ago aswell. But I remember (I thought) you (or someone!) recently talking in a thread about an office affair. How the MM in question kept flirting, and wouldn't let it drop. I think I'll hunt out the thread anyway, because it seems to me that it might help michelle. Link to post Share on other sites
reader Posted December 11, 2005 Share Posted December 11, 2005 "I've known married men who seem interested who I'd be very interested in. I know single guys who'd snap me up if I'd say ok. In the first case, I have no right to take what I want. In the second, I have no right to use people for companionship if I can't return their feelings. So while I might be lacking certain things in my life that I'd like to have, too bad. I won't die. There are hearts that don't deserve to be wounded by me. This way, the only wound is mine and I'm a grownup and will handle it." Very well said. Travellingman - you are right that people get married to the wrong people, wrong time, etc. The grown up thing to do is try to fix it or get a divorce. Period. Michelle, Who cares about looks and stares and whatever? How would you like it if your husband thinks you are boring? Put the shoe on the other foot. How would your husband feel? And, if this guy is married and fools around with you, what makes you think you won't or hasn't fooled around with others? Is that the kind of worry you want every day? Keep it clean. Fix it or leave. Link to post Share on other sites
reader Posted December 11, 2005 Share Posted December 11, 2005 I meant - what makes you think "he" won't fool around with others if he fools around with you? I get stared at all the time. I feel the vibes, etc., but the quote in the above message is the way to go. I'm not sure how old you are, but trust me, you want to look back on your life and be fairly comfortable with what you see. Link to post Share on other sites
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