Guys - what makes a gal 'just a friend?'

[Craig]

That's what I was after. Not that I'm stunning, but I was hoping to be able to do something that would make me unsuitable as a partner so they'd just be pals. Dumb idea, I guess.

I don't think it is a 'dumb' idea. Not every guy is capable of being friends with a woman. The kind of guy that you would want as a friend would find you suitable as a friend only--because that is what YOU want, he would not allow his feelings to get in the way of the friendship. Think of it as a way to sort through and find men that are worth your being friends with.

 

Outcast, if you are as direct in your communication in person as you are here on LS I can only believe that any man that you have had "the talk" with must understand your intentions. If a man says that he wants to be friends with you, says that he respects your wish to only be friends and then makes moves on you, it is my belief that he has violated your trust and would make neither a valued friend nor a good partner.

 

Regarding doing something that would make you unsuitable as a partner, I'd have to say that inventing some relationship disqualifying attribute where none exists isn't exactly the way to develop a meaningful friendship (I can't see you doing that.)

[Outcast]

Outcast, if you are as direct in your communication in person as you are here on LS I can only believe that any man that you have had "the talk" with must understand your intentions.

 

LOL. Actually, much of this is about me being a chicken. Someone offered me his number. He's a *very* nice person from what I can tell but not partner material for me. I was sort of hoping to just befriend him but keep him at a distance but that's not gonna fly. It just gets really tiresome pushing nice people out of my life beause I'd only want them as friends. The 'LDR' is the way to go because I haven't spent time with him other than chatting at a social event so I couldn't say with any credibility (to him) that we aren't a good match. The truth is that I need someone (so awful to say) smarter but I'll chew off my own arm before saying that to some nice fellow.

If a man says that he wants to be friends with you, says that he respects your wish to only be friends and then makes moves on you, it is my belief that he has violated your trust and would make neither a valued friend nor a good partner.

 

I agree. Had one of them. But what I HATE is having to be actively cold to them. Not being friendly but just polite because being friendly (and believe me, I'm not talking 'pushing boob onto arm' friendly - just smiling and being interested in what they have to say) seems to create the impression that despite my stated wish to just be pals, they continue to hope I'll change my mind.

 

Regarding doing something that would make you unsuitable as a partner, I'd have to say that inventing some relationship disqualifying attribute where none exists isn't exactly the way to develop a meaningful friendship (I can't see you doing that.)

 

You're right. Sigh. I'm just SO sick of stifling myself.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

I don't think it is a 'dumb' idea. Not every guy is capable of being friends with a woman.

Think of it as a way to sort through and find men that are worth your being friends with.

 

Word.

 

The guy should have the same "motive" as you do. I think it takes a very specific type of guy (just like it takes a very specific type of girl) to actually be able to be friends and be comfortable with you. There are guys who are just fine as individuals, but for them, women are strictly categorized into a) mother or elderly figure, b) Daughter / sister / much younger female, and c) wife or girlfriend.

 

For them, it's impossible to think and therefore act in a way that is different from the 3 mentioned above. A lot of guys recognize this within themselves, and they prefer not to make platonic friendships in the first place. It's all a matter of individual beliefs.

 

Someone offered me his number. He's a *very* nice person from what I can tell but not partner material for me. I was sort of hoping to just befriend him but keep him at a distance but that's not gonna fly.

 

OMG Outcast...and I thought I was the one who thought in simplistic terms!! LOL....when a guy gives you his number, it only means one thing, at least in Western Culture.

 

I think the trick is to find a person who is satisfied and happy, in and of himself and his relationships. There's (generally) a higher degree of maturity / self-awareness involved, in the sense that he should be able to carry on a serious conversation (not regular pleasantries etc) with you, without feeling scared, awkward or thrilled to have a woman sitting at an arm's length.

 

When I think of or see a man and a woman being friends, it's usually based on mutual admiration, liking, and respect.

[Outcast]

OMG Outcast...and I thought I was the one who thought in simplistic terms!! LOL....when a guy gives you his number, it only means one thing, at least in Western Culture.

 

I know. I knew that. I was flattered of course but disappointed because I knew that meant another nice person I'd have to chop off at the knees. I just thought maybe I could turn it around but you're right - probably too late.

[johan]

What's the big deal? Why don't you just find some women to hang out with?

[Outcast]

The big deal is that these guys are already around and I know them and wouldn't mind having some guy pals like I used to. I have gal pals. It's not a question of seeking out friends; it's a question of befriending people I already know. The women are no problem, obviously, but like I say, I actively have to be sort of unfriendly to these guys and that's what I hate. Or not so much unfriendly as not friendly. Don't like having to be that way is all.

[Craig]

....when a guy gives you his number, it only means one thing, at least in Western Culture.

Ok, let me show you my ignorance...what does it mean? How are people supposed to become friends if they don't have contact info on each other?

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Ok, let me show you my ignorance...what does it mean? How are people supposed to become friends if they don't have contact info on each other?

 

The difference is in the sequence. Usually, phone numbers are exchanged after the girl and the guy have been on friendly terms for a while. I'm saying this because you don't decide on being "friends" right at the outset. It's gradual, after the acquaintance phase, the pleasantries phase, etc. The exchange of phone numbers happens in a more natural way, down the line. And notice that I said exchange - if it's just one person who passes on his / her number, it's an invitation for a date, more often than not.

 

This is what I've learned from my experience, at least. I was ignorant about this fact and then one guy (who I didn't talk to very frequently), gave me his number and said, "If you're not busy this weekend, why don't you call me?" I didn't call him since I thought it was a "friendly" exchange. The next time I ran into him, he said "You didn't call me over the weekend". It was then that I got what he meant.

[builder]

Okay. So what makes a gal a friend? I have just been dumped by my ar**h**e bfriend. This girl 'friend' is suddenly on the scene. Should I be suspicious? He told me she's nothing to worry about and claims they are just 'good friends'. While finishing w/me he compared me to her! wantd me to be like her! She frequently stays over at his house. Whenever I phone him he mentions that she is there and he can't meet me? Does he have other intentions with her? Is this more than friends? The spend most of their time together alone. Am I being parnoid of a simply innocent friendship? What do you ppl think? Is he up to something and does he like this girl than more?