You EX's new Sig Other - TOO fast = Your relationship was a lie?

[SMHappyface]

This is a question to all those dumpers who dumped their SO and within hours, days or even weeks had another relationship going. What the hell is going though your head? How can you move on so fast? My ex-fiance was with me 3 years and constantly told me how much he loved me and bla bla bla. Then one day he changed - BANG, "I don't feel the same about us anymore" he told me and walked out. Within 2 hours he was with another girl, the girl he cheated on me with. This "cheating" relationship he was with her like a week before he dumped me, not long enough to fall in love with her REALLY. I guess I don't understand how you can love somebody SOOO much and then bang love another? It would make sense to have a f**k buddy or something like that, but a RELATIONSHIP!? God, does anybody have any reason for this, or are all of us sad LS people have really sick Ex's?

[slubberdegullion]

Some people are just like that, and they have this need to have a partner in their life. It's not about you, it's about him. I personally don't think it's a good idea, because it doesn't allow proper time to grieve and uncover the actual reasons for the break-up in the first place. But his actions are his actions, and they aren't any reflection on you or the relationship you shared with him.

[omegaRED]

1. They were lying when they said "I love you", in the weeks/months before the breakup. Well not neccesarily lying, but they didn`t mean it.

 

2. They were detaching long before the actual breakup. People rarely just break up with someone they like spending time with, let alone love, unless they have something "better" in their sights. Mind you, "better" is sometimes just "different". It might not be actually better.

 

3. What slubber said. Although from my experience, the first two are more probable.

 

These are IMHO the reasons if the relationship was good overall.

[JS17]

Personally SM, I agree with you but I'm REALLY jaded. My ex has been with his girlfriend for nearly a year now and they're completely in love. There was no break between the two of us and I'm pretty sure there was an overlap. I think that they just didn't care and it was all smoke and mirrors.

[scobro]

"I don't feel the same about us anymore" he told me and walked out. Within 2 hours he was with another girl, the girl he cheated on me with. This "cheating" relationship he was with her like a week before he dumped me, not long enough to fall in love with her REALLY.

 

I would suspect he probably felt this way for quite some time before he actually ended things.I also being male would suspect because you are a "pretty young thang"he decided to have his cake and eat it too for a while and got heat from the other woman.I would suspect also this girl might have been around longer than you think, probably not a week.Damn shame SM i feel for you because when I was with my wife and we were engaged you almost take on another bond together to make your love tighter for each other,its horrible what he did to you.

 

 

I guess I don't understand how you can love somebody SOOO much and then bang love another?

 

Thats why I think she was around longer than he is telling you.

 

God, does anybody have any reason for this

yes I do,he doesn't value relationships or marriage like you do.This is what my wife said to me when she dumped me"i guess I don't value marriage like you do",being it was her third marriage I would say she was right on the money.

In your case maybe your ex isn't ready for marriage in fact he obviously isn't if he is with someone else.It really isn't your issue you are fine its him that has the problem its just to bad you have to suffer.Its like I said in another post if you get dumped you are the loser they are the winners at first because you suffer much more than them, but after time goes by dumpees will end up winning.

 

or are all of us sad LS people have really sick Ex's?

 

yes most do;)

[SMHappyface]

I also being male would suspect because you are a "pretty young thang" he decided to have his cake and eat it too for a while and got heat from the other woman. I would suspect also this girl might have been around longer than you think, probably not a week.

 

This actually makes sense scobro - I may actually be 24, but I look 16 most of the time and being small, I was a bit of a "mascot" - looked cute on the back of his motorcycle, something to brag about to his buddies, and a fantasy object, but just that, an object. For about a year before everything ended, I did talk to him and tell him that while he treated me nice and all, it wasn't a peer level - I had to submit to everything he wanted and nothing I said was true, I was naive. He told me that wasn't the case, but I still felt it. Perhaps he did love me when we first got together, but he was more in love with my looks at the end than anything else. Overtime, I assumed the submissive, almost child-like position because we fought less that way. And when somebody came around that filled the void of a peer (she's 2 years older than me) he liked it. What I don't understand was he APPEARED to have just met her about 2 weeks prior to us breaking up (when she moved into his bedroom, another story) - she previously had lived in SC and he was there only once and that was two years ago. He DID know her brother, but she was married at the time and never met her. Anyways, oh well, guess I'll just have to have somebody that wants me for me, not just because I make him look good.

 

Hahaha, maybe I should dye my hair black and gain 30 lbs?! :-p Then they would HAVE to like me for me, lmao

[patwheel]

Some people are just like that, and they have this need to have a partner in their life. It's not about you, it's about him. I personally don't think it's a good idea, because it doesn't allow proper time to grieve and uncover the actual reasons for the break-up in the first place. But his actions are his actions, and they aren't any reflection on you or the relationship you shared with him.

 

Totally agree. Not enough time to reflect on yourself, see what you have done to contribute to the break up, and eventually, will history will repeat itself.

 

On the other hand, yes, it's all a show that they put on for us at the end. Im sure we all can tell you how many times we've heard the "I love you, I love you too" just hours or even minutes within the break up!

 

Were they thinking about it before? Was he/she cheating? Was I completely strung along? How long has this been going on? Those questions, I have asked myself over and over, and Im sure most of us here have too, but these will remain unanswered forever.

 

All we have to do now is build up our dignity again, keep our chin up high, and look at the next person without thinking about what our exes have done to us, and not do the same.

[SMHappyface]

On the other hand, yes, it's all a show that they put on for us at the end. Im sure we all can tell you how many times we've heard the "I love you, I love you too" just hours or even minutes within the break up!

 

Yeah, I can agree to this - one of his statements that really makes me think now was he said "I don't want to work at this anymore" meaning that loving me was becoming harder and harder. If you truly love somebody, it is not work. He had stopped loving me long before that. But that makes me question why the hell he asked me to marry him two weeks previous.

[scobro]

Overtime, I assumed the submissive, almost child-like position because we fought less that way. And when somebody came around that filled the void of a peer (she's 2 years older than me) he liked it.

 

I would have to disagree with you SM.The fact there is 3 years difference between you and your ex would not put you in a child like position unless you are dumb as dirt and he is intellectualy superior to you and reflecting on your posts I doubt that is the case.The age difference with this other woman is nothing ,I am at a peer level with a 22 year old and I'm 34 age means nothing its intellect.

 

What I don't understand was he APPEARED to have just met her about 2 weeks prior to us breaking up (when she moved into his bedroom, another story) - she previously had lived in SC and he was there only once and that was two years ago. He DID know her brother, but she was married at the time and never met her

.

 

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I would think there is a lot more going on than you were aware of.What is up with moved into his bedroom?now were getting very Jerry Springer.

Anyways, oh well, guess I'll just have to have somebody that wants me for me, not just because I make him look good.

You will end up far happier unless you pick another "player type" guy then you will repeat your patterns.Learn from this little blondy:D

[patwheel]

"I don't want to work at this anymore" meaning that loving me was becoming harder and harder

 

Yeah, I got that one too.

When someone is emotionally withdrawn, we can feel it; but letting yourself acknowledge the fact that your significant other wants out of the relationship is the problem: we just don't want to.

We hang on to them, we do what's necessary for them to stay, but they've already made up their mind long ago. I know my ex did, and Im sure if we all look back most of us too.

[Tangerina]

Grr, sounds like youe Ex was a jerk... I am sure he probably did love you, or at least thought he loved you, but as people say he probably checked out of the relationship emotionally a long time before the breakup, and yeah, probably met the girl earlier than you thought.... it doesn't mean that the whole relationship was a lie, it just means that you guys were at really different places when it came crashing down...

 

on a little bit of a tangent, in my case my ex left me but was devistated and heartbroken when I met someone new within a month (somehow he thought I would always wait for him just in case he was done being broken up) but I had to tell him that it had nothing to do with him, I wasn't trying to find another relationship at that point, and I wasn't doing it to get back at him or because I couldn't be happy without a man... it was simply because I met someone who was worth seeing about even though the timing was bad and things went from there and it really worked out.... in your case it might not even have anything to do with you but it happened to happen when you were still together... which I personally think if someone is worth cheating on or leaving your SO for then you should have the diginity and respect to break up with the BEFORE going for it.... so your ex is a jerk but it might it might be that he checked out a while back and just didn't do the right thing about it....

[SMHappyface]

I would think there is a lot more going on than you were aware of.What is up with moved into his bedroom?now were getting very Jerry Springer.

 

Hahaha - his dad is F***ing her mother. So if his dad and her got married, he'd be sleeping with his step sister. You're right, very Jerry Springer, lol. The moving into the bedroom part was her hubby cheated on her and she left him and moved to be closer to her mother. They all live in a little cabin in the woods with two rooms - downstairs and upstairs. His dad and his gf live downstairs and he lives upstairs. So when she moved into his bed-room, she moved upstairs. He didn't seem to think it was a big deal, LMAO! Also, I outwit him IQ wise by like 40 points, and he definately felt that (told me he hated feeling stupider than me, but he always seemed to feel "right" about everything)....

 

You will end up far happier unless you pick another "player type" guy then you will repeat your patterns. Learn from this little blondy:D

 

How do you NOT pick a player? I definately have a knack for them and can't seem to tell the difference. *sigh*

[scobro]

Hahaha - his dad is F***ing her mother. So if his dad and her got married, he'd be sleeping with his step sister. You're right, very Jerry Springer, lol. They all live in a little cabin in the woods with two rooms - downstairs and upstairs. His dad and his gf live downstairs and he lives upstairs. So when she moved into his bed-room, she moved upstairs.

How do you NOT pick a player? I definately have a knack for them and can't seem to tell the difference. *sigh*

 

hahahaha sounds like you live in some small logging town with 50 people in it.

 

A player is easy to spot or at least figure out.Usually guys who have had 9000 relationships that lasted 1 week are players.Guys who get bar burn from hanging at bars every Thurs Fri Sat.They will talk about how great their motorcycle is or their car before you even know they have one.They will not seem shy or secretive about certain sexual things when you first meet them.They know every girl at the bars and they are all "friends" you get my drift.Look for the nice guys we are out there .........at the gym;)

[SMHappyface]

A player is easy to spot or at least figure out.Usually guys who have had 9000 relationships that lasted 1 week are players.

 

My ex's previous relationship lasted 4 years, before that 1.5 years and before that 2 - the only "player" attribute is that he gets along quite good with girls and flirts a lot. But he was VERY shy when he met me, NOT player-like. Wierd huh?

 

And yes, I do live in hick-town, hahaha.

[scobro]

Sounds like he is not a player.

Just an A@#hole.

[JS17]

sorry scobro, i disagree, he sounds like a player. players have girlfriends, trust me.

[scobro]

what is a player to you?

[slubberdegullion]

If you truly love somebody, it is not work.

SM, you're cute and you're smart, but this statement is big-time wrongo.

 

Love requires effort. Making the decision to love means giving up a lot, though it also means getting a lot in return.

 

But it is work. It's supposed to be. No white knight or fairy princess stuff; that's not reality. Reality means being there when your SO is sick or angry, when the car won't start, when their clothes are all over the place after you just tidied up, when the dinner is ruined, when your plans go awry, when the baby's shrieking at 3 in the morning and so forth.

 

But the payoff, when it's working, is also reality: cuddling in front of a fire during a snowstorm, taking a vacation together, getting a note in your lunch that says "hurry home, I'll be waiting", undemanding attention, mutual orgasms (if you're lucky), arguing with rules, and the make-up sex afterwards and so on.

[JS17]

a man who uses their charms to get with lots of women. don't think for a minute that players don't have girlfriends and "play" on the side. I have a number of friends like this.

[JS17]

...something to brag about to his buddies, and a fantasy object, but just that, an object... it wasn't a peer level ...but he was more in love with my looks at the end than anything else...Anyways, oh well, guess I'll just have to have somebody that wants me for me, not just because I make him look good.

 

Hahaha, maybe I should dye my hair black and gain 30 lbs?! :-p Then they would HAVE to like me for me, lmao

 

SM, you're too good to settle for being someone's trophy. My ex treated me the same way. It was a really important lesson that I took away from that relationship. I know how much you hate getting the unfeeling "poor pretty girl" reaction from people when you have troubles in your love life and how hard it is to know if someone likes you for you instead of just your looks. You're right, if you dyed your hair black and gained 30 lbs you'd be more comfortable believing they like you for you but you shouldn't have to change yourself to find out. Everyone faces their battles in relationships this is just one of yours. Eventually you'll find someone that you won't question whether they like you for you or they like you for your looks.

[SMHappyface]

a man who uses their charms to get with lots of women. don't think for a minute that players don't have girlfriends and "play" on the side. I have a number of friends like this.

 

Yeah, my ex also cheated on his last gf of 4 years - His neighbor (and friend of 25+ years to the family) told me that he is just unhappy - looking for a mother figure to make him happy and take care of him. When somebody did the job better than me, he was happy to leave me.

 

This statement is big-time wrongo: Love requires effort. Making the decision to love means giving up a lot, though it also means getting a lot in return.

 

I should clarify - I'm not saying that love doesn't take effort, but work and effort seem different than me. Work is a job you don't want to do that you have to do. Effort is something you do for a greater good. If you don't love somebody it IS work - drudgery, something you feel trapped into. But if you love somebody, it may take effort on your part even when you don't feel like it, but the reason behind why you are doing it makes it all worthwhile.

[slubberdegullion]

if you love somebody, it may take effort on your part even when you don't feel like it, but the reason behind why you are doing it makes it all worthwhile.

Yes, that's the point I was trying - and obviously not succeeding - to make. Thanks for the clarification!

[SMHappyface]

SM, you're too good to settle for being someone's trophy. My ex treated me the same way. It was a really important lesson that I took away from that relationship. I know how much you hate getting the unfeeling "poor pretty girl" reaction from people when you have troubles in your love life and how hard it is to know if someone likes you for you instead of just your looks. You're right, if you dyed your hair black and gained 30 lbs you'd be more comfortable believing they like you for you but you shouldn't have to change yourself to find out. Everyone faces their battles in relationships this is just one of yours. Eventually you'll find someone that you won't question whether they like you for you or they like you for your looks.

 

Awww, the question still remains, how does one find if a person REALLY likes them for their looks or their personality? I should mention a detail - when my ex and I got together years ago, I weighed 30 lbs more than I do now and my hair was darker. About a year into our relationship I went on a health-kick and lost the extra weight, started running a lot and got a new hairstyle. Ironically it HURT our relationship - he still is overweight (5'11" and 245 lbs) and very innactive. I noticed that ever since then he started treating me differently. Now I'm scared of guys - they are all like "ooooh, you are so hot girl in size 0 jeans, bla bla bla" but are they only staring at my body or do they even care what I have to say? How can you know the difference.... GRrrrrr....

[JS17]

Honestly, I haven't figured that one out myself SM. I was about 15lbs heavier as a teen and in my early 20s. I have thyroid disease and eventually I found a good doctor who gave me the right medication and I went from a size 8/10 to a size 2/4 within months. Never before did I question whether guys liked me for me instead of my looks and I always dated really great guys. I didn't know what hit me when they all of a sudden started liking me only for my looks and it was painful. I felt that I was the same good person and didn't understand why all of a sudden I was being used. I had to completely change my mentality. I certainly don't trust the way that I used to. It actually upsets me when people tell me how pretty I am now, I hate it, and it didn't bother me before. So I guess I don't really have an answer for you and that just turned into more of a vent but at least you know you're not alone

[SMHappyface]

Honestly, I haven't figured that one out myself SM. I was about 15lbs heavier as a teen and in my early 20s. I have thyroid disease and eventually I found a good doctor who gave me the right medication and I went from a size 8/10 to a size 2/4 within months. Never before did I question whether guys liked me for me instead of my looks and I always dated really great guys. I didn't know what hit me when they all of a sudden started liking me only for my looks and it was painful. I felt that I was the same good person and didn't understand why all of a sudden I was being used. I had to completely change my mentality. I certainly don't trust the way that I used to. It actually upsets me when people tell me how pretty I am now, I hate it, and it didn't bother me before. So I guess I don't really have an answer for you and that just turned into more of a vent but at least you know you're not alone

 

Wow, glad to know somebody understands. I mean, It sounds totally superficial and WAHH WAHH to be crying that you are too good looking, lol. I mean not that I actually think I am or even remotely hung up on it, just that I KNOW guys are attracted to me physically instead of just me. Like if I meet a guy, we'll talk on the phone and instead of real conversation, it deteriorates to whatcha wearing, what positions do you like. You feel like a human toy! Back in college/teens, I wasn't as fit, but I still dated great guys but it was more solid. Aprhg! I wish I could get to know a great guy before he ever knows what I look like. *shakes head knowing that many other LSers are sarcastically thinking I have such a sorry lot in life...*