Parenting differences

[cr8sea]

So, my husband and I seem to be constantly having the same arguments about how to discipline and treat our five year old and I'm getting tired of it. I'm not sure If Im wrong and Im just being too "my way is the only way" so here I am to ask thoughts about this. 

So, our five year old is a very smart and sassy little girl. She also has a very strong temperament and I've known since she was a little one that you get a lot more with her through boundaries with kindness. For example, when she has a meltdown I *know* that yelling and screaming at her would just make it worse. So instead, I calm myself down, then I go to wherever she is and calmly validate how she feels while holding boundaries as best as I can  ("I can see your really angry and Im sorry you feel that way, but you still can't have that extra candy"). Now, Im not getting these things out of the thin air. I have done a lot of reading about parenting and it helps that I am a psychologist. 

Well, my husband has a very different approach. His approach is to yell at her...basically. He says that if she doesn't listen to what he says he starts getting more stern and after that, if she is still not listening, he will yell at her. Now, my daughter has told me that she is afraid of him, and often asks me why he yells so much. I have told him to try a different approach, and though he says he'll try, he just goes back to being "scary".  

Now, whenever I bring up that I don't like the way he has talked to her (mind you this doesn't actually happen all that often but it does happen) he goes into pouting mode. He becomes distant and sad. It feels like I am not allowed to bring up concerns because he gets pouty.  So finally, yesterday after dinner we had another issue with my daughter screaming at the top of her lungs. My husband told her to go to her room and she went off screaming and crying. I had to work so I went into my office but I could hear her screaming. I then realized I had some time before I had to start work so I thought I could go and calm her down. I got out of my office and was going to make my way up when my husband stopped me and told me to let it be and let him handle it. I told him I wanted to address it calmly and he just lashed out telling me that he would not tolerate her screaming at him and that if I didn't think he could handle it then maybe he should just leave (as in leave for the moment). That pissed me off. I told him that he needs to put his ego aside and realize his job is to teach her to control herself, not to join her crazy. He continued asking me to let him do it his way. By that time I had to go in to work so I told him fine but I needed her to stop screaming. 

I was livid with this interaction. I sent him an article about the appropriate way to handle meltdowns and told him basically that I felt he doesn't respect my knowledge or my attempts at descalating situations. 

I then come out of work and he is, ofcource, pouting. I just go about my business for the rest of the night and at the end he comes and tells me that I always make him feel ashamed of how he parents and he needs me to stop "lashing out" at him. I tried to explain that I was not trying to lash out but I do have the right to tell him when I don't agree with his parenting methods. He asked me to wait until he is a better space, not when he is in the middle of dealing with our daughter. He also asked me to change my tone when I tell him he is doing something wrong.  We talked some more and we kinda squashed it but this morning I woke up feeling super irritable. I feel like I have to pussyfoot around his feeling when he is doing something I just dont think is helpful. Am I being too sensitive? Is it too much to ask for him to try different methods to raise our kid? He told me he often feels like his "wrongdoing" is small but then I blow it out of proportion and it makes him feel like a horrible father. Am I blowing things out of proportion? Im getting confused with all this. 

[basil67]

I hear you!  Our son is autistic and behavioural issues are part of our life.   Extreme parenting is not for the faint of heart.

One of the things which could be causing problems between you and your husband is the fact that you are a psychologist and are basically trying to pull rank on your husband.  While I fully agree that yelling at her isn't going to help, it sounds like he's feeling like he doesn't have a voice in parenting his own child.

When we couldn't agree on how to parent our son, we would agree to stop telling each other how to parent and instead, to see a child psychologist and follow their directions.  Yes, I know you're a psychologist, but it's worth taking off the therapy jacket and being a mom and equal parent.   When you're with the therapist allow your husband to talk about what he's seeing and how he feels about her behaviour.   And it's entirely possible that the therapist may have some strategies which could work for both of you

Something else to consider: I'm aware that you probably gave us an abbreviated version of how you parent, but you make no mention of consequences for yelling at the two of you and I wonder if this is one of the things which is putting a bee in your husband's bonnet.  You talked about acknowledging her feelings and reenforcing that she can't have the candy, but do you have her apologise for her behaviour?  Does have to go without a favourite thing for an evening as consequence?  And how are you supporting her to manage her outbursts in the first place?  

 

[Wiseman2]

The enormous power struggle between you and your  husband is causing 1000x more damage than either of your parenting styles. Neither of you is right or wrong here.

Maybe sometimes she needs to go to her room and learn to self soothe. Maybe sometimes she can be coddled and cajoled that calms her down.

Either way the problem is the who's right who's wrong game you and your husband are playing. Please seek marriage therapy before you two totally confuse this poor little girl with your egos. 

[MsJayne]

I agree that yelling at kids isn't helpful, but neither is validating their obnoxious behaviour. Your husband is probably made angrier by the fact that you're pandering to the tantrums, and you're made angrier because you're a psychologist and you know how much damage yelling can do. You need to make an agreement to tackle your daughter together, make her aware that you and her father are a team and she's outnumbered, rather than making her the center of the universe and allowing her to come between you. As long as you keep giving her the idea that her outbursts are 'valid', she'll keep on doing it and, as you say, will start to see her dad as the enemy. Five years is old enough to start learning how to behave around other people, so you need to stop saying, "I can see you're angry and I'm sorry you feel that way" and try a bit of "You're being very rude and that won't get you anywhere so just zip it. You're not getting the candy." Then let her cry herself to the moon and back but just ignore it because she'll eventually get bored with her own carry-on and soon enough learn that it doesn't get candy or the kind of attention that positively reinforces her behaviour. You're being too soft, and your husband's being too hard.