hotgurl Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 well another point is that men don't talk at all. I can't get my bf to talk about us or anything. Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 well another point is that men don't talk at all. I can't get my bf to talk about us or anything. That's because you'd probably *put down* and contradict anything he says anyway so what's the point. Easier to just keep his mouth shut and not say a damn thing. Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 That's because you'd probably *put down* and contradict anything he says anyway so what's the point. Easier to just keep his mouth shut and not say a damn thing. I would't put him down. We don't insult each other but if he is unhappy I would like to know. I was asking him how he felt about our relationship and where it was headed I got nothing at all. except the standard I love you. Link to post Share on other sites
JS17 Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 I would't put him down. We don't insult each other but if he is unhappy I would like to know. I was asking him how he felt about our relationship and where it was headed I got nothing at all. except the standard I love you. It's really frustrating when the lines of communication are shut down. Have you tried asking him really specific questions or yes/no questions? Sometimes that's the only way to get the answers you're looking for if giving them space to bring the topic up on their own terms isn't working. Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 I would't put him down. We don't insult each other but if he is unhappy I would like to know. I was asking him how he felt about our relationship and where it was headed I got nothing at all. except the standard I love you. Well, most men are loath to talk about things like feelings, relationships, etc. That's just the way it is. Not ALL men are like that but many are. Doesn't make them *bad* people or anything. Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 Well, most men are loath to talk about things like feelings, relationships, etc. That's just the way it is. Not ALL men are like that but many are. Doesn't make them *bad* people or anything. yeah but why don't they talk about feelings. It's frustrating. Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 It's really frustrating when the lines of communication are shut down. Have you tried asking him really specific questions or yes/no questions? Sometimes that's the only way to get the answers you're looking for if giving them space to bring the topic up on their own terms isn't working. usually we're ok but ti is just this one issue and it's driving me mad. He won't say wither way because he is afraid I think. I should back off but can't I just want an answer. Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 yeah but why don't they talk about feelings. It's frustrating. Because most men tend to think in *manly terms* not *girly ones*. Talking about who's going to the Super Bowl, the engine on a '65 'Stang, what kick-ass horror films they saw, the basement project, the measurements of the new office secretary... *man* stuff. Talking about feelings, fashion, malls, hunky repairmen, latest quiche recipe, colour of the new draperies, dumbass Cosmo articles... *girly* stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 Because most men tend to think in *manly terms* not *girly ones*. Talking about who's going to the Super Bowl, the engine on a '65 'Stang, what kick-ass horror films they saw, the basement project, the measurements of the new office secretary... *man* stuff. Talking about feelings, fashion, malls, hunky repairmen, latest quiche recipe, colour of the new draperies, dumbass Cosmo articles... *girly* stuff. I can understand not talking about fashion etc..but occasionally men should talk about their feelings exp to thier so as a way of checking in on their relationship. It is easier to fix a problem when it is starting rather than once it has begun. and lay off the bible(cosmo) Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 I can understand not talking about fashion etc..but occasionally men should talk about their feelings exp to thier so as a way of checking in on their relationship. It is easier to fix a problem when it is starting rather than once it has begun. and lay off the bible(cosmo) Yeah, well, my past experience of *checking in* on a relationship ended up being a bad *surprise*... I don't need that garbage any more. If there are any *problems* then the woman can come out and say what they are instead of me attempting to extract teeth. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 He just left, oblivious to 4 bags of trash...... went right by them, and is driving right past the dumper. Studies also show that men have more trouble with field-to-ground distinction. To them the trash bags really do fade into the background. Also why they stare into the fridge yelling 'where's the ketchup' that's right in front of them. See? We think people are 'inconsiderate' when in fact they lack the ability to do the things we think they should do. If there are any *problems* then the woman can come out and say what they are instead of me attempting to extract teeth Smooch, dear, you're not getting it. It's men who won't come out and say what the problems are. They'll keep silent, act out in passive-aggressive ways and then leave; and in the process give you a list of complaints they never ever EVER brought up during the relationship. THIS is the communication women want and don't get. If YOU don't tell women what's wrong, women can't fix it. Link to post Share on other sites
NYCmitch25 Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 If you think this is funny, you should watch that show called blind date, it's always funny to see the male fools trying to get a kiss at the end of a terrible date.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Becoming Posted December 12, 2005 Author Share Posted December 12, 2005 "Attempting to extract teeth." Is this really what it feels like for some men to cough up an emotion (sounds like a hairball)? OK coupla stories (go get the popcorn; this could get long): My husband once likened his trying to share emotion with this little girl we knew whose parents were trying to potty train her with M & M's. She loved M & M's, and every time she pooped in potty, she got an M & M. So she'd go in and try and try and try to go potty just so she could get and M & M, but there was just nothing there readily available. They had to stop because they were afraid the poor toddler would get hemrhoids! Is that what it's like? Not emotional constipation (b/c constipation means there's something there), but just emotional straining to produce something ya just don't have? Another story: I once watched this documentary that followed a woman going through hormone treatments to become a man. Toward the end of the process s/he said he no longer got emotional over stuff that would have sent him over the top as a woman. And that it kinda bothered him because he knew the difference. And that it was also very freeing. I think the men may be trying to tell us something: we're trying to treat them as though they should be women. And frankly, that's not fair to them any more than it's fair that they should expect us to act like them. See? I can learn. Not all feminists want to cut it off and mount it on their walls. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 I think the men may be trying to tell us something: we're trying to treat them as though they should be women. And frankly, that's not fair to them any more than it's fair that they should expect us to act like them. There you go. At least someone gets it. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 If you think this is funny, you should watch that show called blind date, it's always funny to see the male fools trying to get a kiss at the end of a terrible date.. Amazing to see two people go on a date and one going on about how great the chemistry was between them while the other's saying there was zero chemistry I think the men may be trying to tell us something: we're trying to treat them as though they should be women. And frankly, that's not fair to them any more than it's fair that they should expect us to act like them. There you go. At least someone gets it Bah. We both need to fight some of these 'natural' tendencies in order to meet in the middle and overcome the differences. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Becoming Posted December 13, 2005 Author Share Posted December 13, 2005 Bah. We both need to fight some of these 'natural' tendencies in order to meet in the middle and overcome the differences. Precisely! Which may bring up another issue: To many women it feels as if we're the ones who are asked to not only go to the middle but beyond, while many men know they can just stay put and a woman will come for 'em sooner or later so there's no real need to try to meet women in the middle. Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 Smooch, dear, you're not getting it. It's men who won't come out and say what the problems are. They'll keep silent, act out in passive-aggressive ways and then leave; and in the process give you a list of complaints they never ever EVER brought up during the relationship. Other way around for me, Outcast. My XW was the one who *clammed up* and left... in fact, I have NEVER *left* anyone. I have no problems coming out and saying what the problems are. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 Is that what it's like? Not emotional constipation (b/c constipation means there's something there), but just emotional straining to produce something ya just don't have? I think if you want a previously emotionally inarticulate guy to express feelings, you have to train him into it. You can't expect miracles straight away. Outcast's point about lack of ability is spot on. Smoochie has also made a good point which comes out in the Gottman studies - the last thing a man needs when he is taking baby steps in emotional expression is to face a sudden blast of criticism. Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 "Attempting to extract teeth." Is this really what it feels like for some men to cough up an emotion (sounds like a hairball)? Wrong. It's what it feels like for a man to get a woman to f***in' come out and SAY what the hell's on her damn mind instead of clamming up and expecting the man to play Nostradamus. I am not a psychic. Either come out and say it (and forget about this "don't wanna hurt your feelings" BS) or grin and bear it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Becoming Posted December 13, 2005 Author Share Posted December 13, 2005 Thank you SF and RR for pointing out that women do this, too. None of us is a mind reader or psychic. Why is it so hard for some of us humans to say what's really going on with us? Do we just not know? Are we playing games? Are we scared of rejection? or (d) all of the above? Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 Why is it so hard for some of us humans to say what's really going on with us? Do we just not know? Are we playing games? Are we scared of rejection? or (d) all of the above? I think that the crucial points are, as you indicate: - knowing and understanding what's going on in our own hearts - having the skills necessary to express it (these include courage and tact) - and the wisdom to channel it correctly in our lives These emotional intelligence skills are incredibly important. And in short supply. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Becoming Posted December 13, 2005 Author Share Posted December 13, 2005 I think that the crucial points are, as you indicate: - knowing and understanding what's going on in our own hearts - having the skills necessary to express it (these include courage and tact) - and the wisdom to channel it correctly in our lives These emotional intelligence skills are incredibly important. And in short supply. Most profound and true. Wisdom succinctly stated that should be included in Proverbs. And ladies: do you note? This is from a man! (We stand slightly embarassed, toes stubbing the dirt, eyes down. Those who wear hats have them in hand.) Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 Most profound and true. Wisdom succinctly stated that should be included in Proverbs. And ladies: do you note? This is from a man! (We stand slightly embarassed, toes stubbing the dirt, eyes down. Those who wear hats have them in hand.) Awww. Thank you I have to confess though, that I have the advantage of having had several years of encouragement by a couple of emotionally literate Juliets. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Becoming Posted December 13, 2005 Author Share Posted December 13, 2005 Awww. Thank you I have to confess though, that I have the advantage of having had several years of encouragement by a couple of emotionally literate Juliets. Well, God bless 'em! May you and your kind populate the earth with several male children (whom you responsibly nurture, of course). Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 Well, God bless 'em! May you and your kind populate the earth with several male children (whom you responsibly nurture, of course). :bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
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