Meeting boyfriend's ex

[ZGT1503]

I'm currently in Australia and my boyfriend has just moved home to Europe. We're doing the long distance thing fine, but I'm still trying hard to work on the jealousy issue that I have. I'm getting counselling for this, and have begun to deal with it on a logical level, but I still get the emotional reactions when I think about women, or even female friends of his.

So anyway, his best female friend has just arrived in Australia for a couple of months. Since I'm trying to deal with this in a new way (ie not react stupidly the moment a woman is mentioned), I took the step of asking for her phone number so we could meet for a drink here. He was pleased about this, and she also took my number and said she'd like to meet me.

Ok, so now she's here, and I'm meeting her tomorrow. And I know that nothing has gone on between them, and that she's just a friend and has a boyfriend, but I also feel extremely jealous. I'm not sure I should be meeting her. I mean, I know I can hold it in and be polite and I'm sure she's very nice, but I also know she's attractive (I asked once... why?!) and I'm feeling very insecure about the whole thing.

Given the fact that I'm so jealous... am I doing the right thing here?! I figured it would be better to meet her to take away the mystery, but what happens if I come away feeling she's so beautiful and wondering why they never got together?!

Help!

[ZGT1503]

By the way I wrote the wrong subject line for this... she's not his ex at all, just a friend!!

[Second-best]

As someone who is/(was?) in a similar situation, let me tell you this - if you start to wonder why he wouldn't get together with such a beautiful girl, and why he picked you, remind yourself that he ISN'T with her - he chose YOU - and for that to have happened, he must find you MORE beautiful than her - right?? It seems you just don't have enough faith in yourself and your relationship. If you love your guy, trust what he says. Guys love it when girls are confident about themselves. I think meeting her for lunch is a good idea. If your relationship gets stronger, you're going to have to meet more of his female friends, and you'll know how to handle it. Over time, I'm sure you won't feel jealous. Hope it all works out! Reply w/ how the drinks went!

[witabix]

Interesting thread ZGT1503, I would like to know how it goes too.

[ZGT1503]

Thanks guys, I will definitely reply with how things went (meeting her tonight).

I agree with everything you say - logically. I just have to try so hard to transfer the logical thought into the emotional reaction! But I hope by meeting her, as you say, it will prepare me for doing it more often in the future, and I'll know how to handle it.

Will post tomorrow!

[ZGT1503]

Update: we met for dinner last night. She was a very nice girl, really friendly and sweet, and very very pretty (which I know shouldn't matter but does!)

We got on well and talked about a lot of stuff, but I still had major jealousy issues when she spoke about him, about what good friends they are and how she missed him when he was away and how great it is to have a close male friend etc. I mean, she didn't go on about this, only when it came up in conversation, but it makes me so jealous.

I even got a nice text from her this morning saying she thought I was really nice and was glad I was moving to be with my boyfriend and we must meet again.

So, everything was fine and good, until I got home after dinner and my boyfriend called. Now, I should be able to hold it in by now because I know being jealous is a hugely destructive emotion, but I found myself asking him to tell me if he had ever been attracted to her or wanted something more than friendship. So of course I find out that when they met (5 years ago) he did want something more for a month or so, but she didn't and then he realised anyway that they were more suited as friends and that's how it's been since then. Nothing ever happened.

Now, this was 5 years ago, I know, but how am I now supposed to be friends with her or be comfortable with their close friendship, when I know that he was once attracted to her? And yes, she is very attractive so it makes me feel really insecure and second best.

I REALLY didn't want to bring this up with him on the phone because I'm causing problems that aren't there. But how can I control this jealousy thing?! Counselling doesn't seem to be making a difference to how I FEEL about it, only helps me understand WHY. But the reactions are still there and I'm afraid I'll ruin the relationship soon if I'm not careful...

Sorry this turned into a long rant instead of the quick update intended!

[Second-best]

heyyyy... I'm glad it went so well... The reason I replied to your initial post, is because I'm going through a situation similar to yours. I met my boyfriend last year, in my first year of uni. We got on fine, but never ever thought we'd end up together. Over the course of that first year, we went from acquaintances to EXTREMELY good friends, to not talking merely cuz of the distance over december break, to becoming best friends, to fighting and not talking, and then finally mending the friendship and becoming a couple. However, in the second term (after the december break), when we were becoming best friends, it was because we had a mutual best friend... this VERY pretty, VERY attractive girl. She's QUITE the flirt, and at times it made me uncomfortable. However, she was SO happy that him and I got together, so I pushed it out of my mind. Until this past summer when she stopped talking to me and made a pass at my bf. While she already had her own bf, this still bothered me. My jealousy caused many problems during our relationship, and sometimes I'm so insecure when she's around, I still pick fights. True, my bf stopped talking to her because it turned out he realised he was weak in ways related to me that he did not like AT ALL about himself, so they dont really talk anymore. However, when I find her gossiping about me, it makes me sad. It also bothers me a lot sometimes because, before he asked me out, he'd asked her out twice, and while it was before theeey were even best friends, it still bothers me. But one of my friends pointed out to me, that in the end, he loves me enough to keep away from her and assure me that I'm the one he loves, and my friend also told me, that, at the end of the day, whom does he choose to be simply friends w/, and whom does he decide to take home?? jus thought also, that it was really ironic that u said u feel "second-best"

[ZGT1503]

Hi, yes I realised after I wrote it that your 'name' is 'second best', haha!

Thanks for the reply - I was interested in your situation too, didn't know the whole story though! Sorry that you were going through the same thing, but it makes me feel slightly better to know that there are other people out there who have experienced the same thing!

I guess the good thing for you is that he is not really in contact with her much any more. That's the problem I'm trying to deal with. I'm moving to be with him and she lives in the same town, and I know they will be seeing each other a lot as they are so close. She has a boyfriend so I know things should be ok, but I know I'll still feel very insecure in myself when she's around. I guess this is the root of the problems we've got - our own insecurities.

But, like you, it still bothers me that before they were friends my boyfriend wanted something more from her. Even though it was years ago. That's why I will always feel insecure around her, as if they would be together if she had said yes, and wonder if he must still find her attractive. I don't want to be constantly threatened by this girl, especially since she was actually really nice!

It's true we must try to focus on the fact that we are the ones our boyfriends are with, not the other girl. And my boyfriend is truly very loving and affectionate and has really made it clear that he's not interested in anyone else.

So, are you still in touch with the girl (you said she was a mutual best friend at some point)? You said she just stopped talking to you - is that because she wanted something from your boyfriend? To be honest, if she already had her own boyfriend, then this is really bad behaviour and it seems you and your boyfriend have realised that now.

Interesting to hear other stories!

[Second-best]

hmm, I actually left out quite a bit. They don't talk as friends, but they kind of accidentally happened to join the same committee, so for the past while, they've been in contact, just not about personal issues. There have been instances where he's omitted things, and maybe I shouldn't mention that to not make you uneasy, but he really did make up for it. He knows how uncomfortable I am with her, so he's cut contact. He's no longer on the committee, so I know I have no reason to worry. I'm not in touch with the girl anymore. She knows I dislike her with a passion, and she's not too crazy bout me anymore since I stopped my bf from talking to her, so she keeps her distance too. But I gotta say, tonight, I am really proud of myself, because, it's a religious occasion for us, and I went up and said hi to her, that was all, just hi. I got over my insecurities, my jealousy and my anger, and said hi very politely. She was so shocked, her reaction totally made me feel better. And I'm glad I could get that reaction by doing something good. I really truly hope you can see for yourself that you deserve your guy, and that she really does mean nothing to him. Keep posting with details!

[ZGT1503]

Hi Second-Best,

Congratulations on being the mature one and going up to her to say hi! This really shows that you're dealing with it well - even if you feel insecure underneath, it's very brave to put a smile on your face and hide that in order to overcome it all and show that you can rise above it.

I'm really trying hard to deal with this, and some days I'm fine, when I realise what a great guy I have and how loving and dedicated he is. But then sometimes the jealousy just takes over and I make myself feel sick inside just thinking about how close they are and what they share - even though they are just friends, I know!

I know what you mean about them omitting issues, that's why I want to get a hold of this problem now before it ruins things (I've already messed up relationships before over this). My boyfriend has already avoided talking about some things for fear of my reaction, and I can fully understand why they do this.

I think I could deal with it better if we were not going to be living near her, because I know he will be seeing her a lot and I will have to deal with that. But in a way it's better because it forces me to confront the situation and deal with my insecurities. I'm just not looking forward to it!

Are you jealous with other people by the way, or just this girl? I'd be interested to know! My problem is more with attractive girls but pretty much anyone female. Ridiculous!

[Second-best]

I know what you mean about the fear of proximity.

Umm, it (the jealous feelings) actually used to be about all pretty girls, cuz I used to always think, "what if he finds them prettier? What if he doesn't think I'm pretty enough? What if he leaves me for them?" But over time, (it's going to be 8 months since our first date, as of tomorrow), I think I just realised that if he was like that, if he cared only about looks and went after girls based only on that, or even noticed that about other girls, he wouldnt be showering me with the love that he is today. It's really weird, but right after I started posting on this site, right when I was feeling my lowest and as though he didnt care for me, he's been telling me he loves me about 5 or 6 times a day... random txt msgs, hugs and kisses, things like that... and i play around with it to make him smile - for instance, on one of his study pages, he'd written what to do for each day, and i added yesterday's date and put next to it - give your gf a biiig kiss, a tight hug, and tell her you love her. and he came to visit me as soon as he read it, and he did what it said, and i was so confused, cuz it was so out of the blue, and he pulled it out of his bag with a smile and says, look, it's on my schedule wow, sorry, that was totally straying from the question... um, basically, it's just with this girl that i feel jealous... my bf is a very very cute guy... very funny, and everyone finds him loveable... the girls find him adorable, so its weird to see them fawning over him. but it also makes me feel incredible when i see him leave them just cuz he's seen me and comes and wraps his arms around me. they all know we're together, and he respects me and keeps his distance from these girls. he knows i have trust issues, and he makes me feel ok about it whenever he can, because he knows it's partly his fault. basically, what i can tell you is, over time, you'll learn to trust him, and when you do, your relationship will bloom so beautifully.

in your first post, you said you're going to couselling... how's this going? have any theories been made as to why you have these jealous feelings in most(all?) of your relationships? let me know!

how are things going in general with your bf?

[ZGT1503]

Hi, that sounds so sweet the way you are with each other! Don't worry about straying from the question - it's nice to hear how you are together and to be honest it really sounds like you love each other.

My boyfriend is very similar actually, and I have no reason not to trust him. But my jealousy issues go back a long way, before I can remember.

Counselling is very interesting, in that it's explained the reasons. I think it's all to do with my childhood and my relationship with my parents. I'm someone who has always been very clingy with boyfriends but quite emotionally distant in other relationships, and I just have to find a way to connect this knowledge to how I FEEL!! It has nothing to do with the boyfriend at the time, and I'm only jealous of women, but it could be any women, strangers or friends.

I can get kind of obsessive in relationships, like I need to know everything. And that extends to knowing about their past, and other girls, and every time he sees a girl and so on.

But I've learnt enough from my past relationships to know that I can't behave like this and have to learn to first control it, and hopefully at some point get over it. It seems a long way off!

The trouble is I have to leave Australia (where I live and am getting counselling) in about a month and it's going to cut short the counselling before I get anywhere!

The other problem is that I'm a very emotionally controlled person in every other area of my life, so I'm not used to needing help or experiencing such strong feelings!

My actual relationship with my boyfriend is great and the only problem is this issue of mine. He is also very popular and has a lot of female friends, but he's not flirty and is very open about his strong feelings for me, so I know there's nothing to worry about. I just want to get this sorted before I move to his country and meet all these people!!

The way you think is very logical and I admire that you've overcome your fears with rational thinking!

I'm sorry I've rambled on and on here! I'm leaving work for the day now so can't respond till tomorrow, but keep posting if you have time, it's v interesting! Is there a reason you have trust issues? I assume it's not because of something your current boyfriend did, but do you know where they come from?

Enjoy your relationship - it sounds like a very happy one!

[Second-best]

Umm, I'd say my trust issues actually did start because of this b/f. It happened just before our 4-month... it's really long and detailed, but, the short story of it is that this girl (the problem "friend") insulted me when him and her met face to face the first time after she hit on him, and instead of standing up for me, he agreed with her. He treated her like a friend that night and that is where my insecurities lie. I felt lost, because, if you can't count on your partner to stand up for you, then whom caaan you count on?? but, after explaining and discussing this issue in great length, he realises his mistake, and truly is upset with himself for not being the kind of guy he wants to be, and for putting me through so much pain because of his actions. He really lets me know now how special I am to him, and yes, of course, we still do have problems from time to time, but, I think, if we didn't have those problems, we wouldn't be able to come closer as a result either. I mean, if we don't have problems, then we're always at the same level in regard to our feelings, and eventually, the passion just fizzles out, and the love becomes more of a habit rather than an expression. I find that when couples do have little disagreements, or things like that, they realise more what the person means to them. and when things are mended, it's like falling in love all over again.

could your counselor perhaps refer you to another counselor who will be close to where you'll be moving? maybe you could start with phone/internet sessions before you get there so you can be a little bit more comfortable?

and please, dont apologize - it's not rambling. It's nice to be able to talk about this anonymously

[purtyinpink_11]

I think you're making the first step into conquering your fears. I did something similar with my b/f's female friends but instead I emailed them. I basically explained the reason why I was writing to them and that was because I felt I should know who my b/f's friends are and that I didn't want to be jealous b/c I knew how much their friendship meant to him and with one friend it worked out fine b/c I met her and her son and her husband one day and we still email each other. We just clicked. The other one is too bossy and thinks she has the answers to everything and was already offering her advice. I let that one go. She's also married and about to have a baby. Maybe the person-to-person thing was too soon but I guess it's too late now?

[ZGT1503]

Purtyinpink, thanks for your input. I think in normal circumstances it may have been too soon to meet this girl in person, but since she had travelled across the world and we both knew we were in the same city, it was kind of a chance I had to take! The next time I would have been able to see her is in her hometown (where I'm moving) and I figured it would be better for me to meet her on my own before I met her with him, to lessen the jealousy and take away the mystery! Did the fact that you emailed them remove the jealousy element for you? Are you still jealous about other women?

 

Second-best, I totally agree that it can be constructive to have small arguments and discussions, because this way you find more out about your partner, and can move closer. And it's important to discuss things you have a problem about - to a degree... But I know with my jealousy I am often creating problems that are not there, and that's what I have to overcome.

I have thought about getting a new counsellor, but I'll be in Switzerland and I'm not sure it'll be that straightforward! My counsellor here offered to continue with phone counselling, but I'm getting frustrated at how long it's taking without much progress!

Anyway, it sounds positive that you and your boyfriend have been able to sort this out in a mature way. That must have been very hurtful that he didn't stand up for you, but it really sounds like he regrets behaving like this and has realised his mistake. I had a similar situation with my boyfriend when he didn't tell me something at the start of our relationship, but when you let them explain why, and they realise their mistake, it is definitely possible to try to understand and move on from it.

Pleased for you that you've managed to sort things out!

I'll keep you updated on how I go...

[purtyinpink_11]

Purtyinpink, thanks for your input. I think in normal circumstances it may have been too soon to meet this girl in person, but since she had travelled across the world and we both knew we were in the same city, it was kind of a chance I had to take! The next time I would have been able to see her is in her hometown (where I'm moving) and I figured it would be better for me to meet her on my own before I met her with him, to lessen the jealousy and take away the mystery! Did the fact that you emailed them remove the jealousy element for you? Are you still jealous about other women?

 

Second-best, I totally agree that it can be constructive to have small arguments and discussions, because this way you find more out about your partner, and can move closer. And it's important to discuss things you have a problem about - to a degree... But I know with my jealousy I am often creating problems that are not there, and that's what I have to overcome.

I have thought about getting a new counsellor, but I'll be in Switzerland and I'm not sure it'll be that straightforward! My counsellor here offered to continue with phone counselling, but I'm getting frustrated at how long it's taking without much progress!

Anyway, it sounds positive that you and your boyfriend have been able to sort this out in a mature way. That must have been very hurtful that he didn't stand up for you, but it really sounds like he regrets behaving like this and has realised his mistake. I had a similar situation with my boyfriend when he didn't tell me something at the start of our relationship, but when you let them explain why, and they realise their mistake, it is definitely possible to try to understand and move on from it.

Pleased for you that you've managed to sort things out!

I'll keep you updated on how I go...

 

Yes I still am and of the friends too but @ a different level. I know it's healthy for him to have friends I just don't see what he shares with them he can't share with me but he says it's got nothing to do with that. These are girls that he's known for years, before me so it's been something I've had to accept. He did get rid of some "insignificant" ones like an x and contacts here and there.