Help me win my ex back

[LoveApple]

Hi there!

 

Thankyou for taking the time to read and (hopefully) respond

 

I dated a confident, handsome guy for around 8 months on-and-off (yes I know, doesn"t sound hopeful), during which time he broke up with me twice to deal with issues in his life (one legitimate issue, one rash and in the heat of the moment). He wanted a more casual relationship than what I did (eg happy seeing each other once or twice a week) wheras I wanted slightly more- so feeling pretty much unloved, ended the relationship. It seemed like the right thing at the time, as he often made me feel inferior, and seemed I was more into it than he was. I INSTANTLY REGRETTED IT so tried to get him back for the next couple of months, all to no avail.

 

Then, I meet a guy and after a drunken pash start casually seeing him. The ex found out then tried to win me back.. but wary of the past and scared this new guy (who was really very nice) might be 'the one', stayed away. He wasn't 'the one'. But we had a nice relationship for about 2 years, during which time I was not allowed to see or talk to my ex- a condition of my new relationship (I did talk to him a few times however, hehe..).

 

I hadn't seen my ex boyfriend for around 2 years until last night. He'd been flirting with me for a while, sending messages like: Me: "Ok then, what would you do if you were here now?" Ex: "Probably sleep with you" and "You know, I still enjoy flirting with you" on another occasion, and never mentioned the girl so I thought he was single.. But seeing him again stirred up feelings that none of my other ex's conjure up! It's like he cast a spell on me!

 

He has a girlfriend who he's been with for over a year now and seems to like her: Me: "You really like her huh?" Ex: "Yeah. We have our problems but everyone does." I told him I felt I still had feelings and asked if he'd ever consider 'trying again' to which he replied : "I don't think I'd try again with any of my old girlfriends. It's just not me now." and "It's not that I get over it, they just aren't romantic feelings, more like friend feelings" but I want to win him back. The problem is.. I need your help!

 

If you've won back an ex boyfriend that seems reluctant.. or an Ex that has been completely turned around.. please give me your advice.

 

Thanks again!

 

LoveApple xox

[Nikita20]

Why do you really want to get back together with him? You mentioned when you guys were together, he made you feel inferior and he didn't put enough time and effort into the relationship. From what you said, you were more into him than he was into you. Why would you want to get back together with someone who doesn't value you? Plus, he has a girlfriend and he indicated that that he would never get back together with any of his exes because the romantic feelings are gone. It looks like you will be nothing more than a friend to him and you would be wasting your time chasing after this guy. You need to move on. This guy isn't worth it.

[LoveApple]

Firstly.. omg I nearly had a heart attack when I saw your username!!! I've only joined one other forum, years ago, which I still visit regularly, and Nikita20 is my username for that, even though my name isn't Nikita and i'm 22 years old (not 20)! What are the chances??

 

Secondly.. I know how grim things look. But he's the ONE ex that brings all those feelings back! Sure, I've been dumped before and took a while to get over it, but I did eventually. (While I did dump him, all negotiation afterwards failed, so I consider this him breaking up with me) Not so with this one I just hope that things will change.. we've both grown up now, and I want now what he was prepared to give me then. It just doesn't seem fair that our timing was out.

 

I don't understand why.. he would joke about sleeping with me (in the sexual way) if he only thought of me as a friend.. I sure don't feel that way about any of my friends :/ My brain is thinking back to when I wanted him, but was with the new guy, and just didn't want to give up what i'd established.. but in my heart really just wanted the ex back.

[Kengne II]

Firstly.. omg I nearly had a heart attack when I saw your username!!! I've only joined one other forum, years ago, which I still visit regularly, and Nikita20 is my username for that, even though my name isn't Nikita and i'm 22 years old (not 20)! What are the chances??

 

Secondly.. I know how grim things look. But he's the ONE ex that brings all those feelings back! Sure, I've been dumped before and took a while to get over it, but I did eventually. (While I did dump him, all negotiation afterwards failed, so I consider this him breaking up with me) Not so with this one I just hope that things will change.. we've both grown up now, and I want now what he was prepared to give me then. It just doesn't seem fair that our timing was out.

 

I don't understand why.. he would joke about sleeping with me (in the sexual way) if he only thought of me as a friend.. I sure don't feel that way about any of my friends :/ My brain is thinking back to when I wanted him, but was with the new guy, and just didn't want to give up what i'd established.. but in my heart really just wanted the ex back.

 

Please leave this man alone.

He is with someone else.

He is telling you he would not get back with his ex gfs, because his feelings are no longer romantic.

 

This is not a game for you to win - this is real life.

Have you once stopped to consider how his current gf would feel?

How would you feel in her position?

Please do not draw bad karma to you.

 

You dumped him.

You did not want to get back with him when he was trying to be with you.

You took a gamble with 'new guy' - and you lost.

 

This is life. Leave him alone.

You WILL find someone else who cause to feel just as deeply, if not more.

 

I believe your drive/desire to 'get him back' is more ego driven, then emotion based. Remember, people ALWAYS always want what they canNOT have.

 

Recognize it for what it is - and keep stepping.

 

K.

[LoveApple]

True, everything you say. But the reason I didn't go back was because I listened to my friends (who had probably only heard the bad things, as we are prone to tell our friends, whilst neglecting the good things) and my family. My parents said they wouldn't support me emotionally if I got back with him and got upset again. I only ever got upset because he wanted a more casual relationship. Now, 2 years later, that's what I want. The timing is right.

 

I mean, why would you send such flirty messages to someone? Sober, too.

[CaliGuy]

I mean, why would you send such flirty messages to someone? Sober, too.

 

I'm just guessing here, but perhaps he's a player and is heartless? Why else would someone do that?

 

Sounds like he's a jerk.

[Nikita20]

You are getting swept up in your emotions with him flirting with you and you aren't thinking logically. He answered your question loud and clear about getting back together, ""I don't think I'd try again with any of my old girlfriends. It's just not me now." and "It's not that I get over it, they just aren't romantic feelings, more like friend feelings.". How can you possibly think that the timing is right to get back together with him? It sounds like he is having problems with his girlfriend and he wants to stray from his problems by having a little fun with you. If you go back to him, you'll be back to where you started, having a casual relationship. Is this what you want? If he had truly changed, he wouldn't be with the girlfriend and he would be moving mountains to win your love back. This is a no win situation. I wouldn't waste your time pursuing this.

[patwheel]

But the reason I didn't go back was because I listened to my friends (who had probably only heard the bad things, as we are prone to tell our friends, whilst neglecting the good things) and my family. My parents said they wouldn't support me emotionally if I got back with him and got upset again.

 

If you tell the guy that you just want something casual, he'll sure his pride and go for you, even though friends and family will frown upon the two of you.

 

On the other hand, if you want something more than that, it's gonna take more than work for everyone around you to accept him again. Stigma of a bad relationship is tough to come back from. And the fact that he is in another relationship does not help. Don't put too much though about his playfullness, Im sure it's just a way to be friendly.

 

Good luck though!

[LoveApple]

Thankyou all for drumming some sense into me. Now I realise I have to just let it go. I hope you can understand my confusion at those kind of messsages though I'd never send those to a "friend". One last question, if I may. Would any of you bother persuing a friendship with this guy? Or does he sound like the person who would pay games within it (that's what my friends think). Thanks, LA xox

[Nikita20]

Stay away from this guy. He will only play games with your heart. Being friends with him will torment you. The underlying reason why you want to be friends is because you really want to pursue something more, as you indicated from your previous posts. Plus, he has a girlfriend and I'm sure that she wouldn't be too thrilled that he is communicating with you. Put yourself in her shoes--I'm sure you wouldn't like it either. In the meantime, don't waste your time with him. He is with someone else and you should respect their relationship. You should be spending your time pursuing single, available men that will respect you, cherish you and give you the love that you deserve.