What's wrong with me? :(

[Jo1985]

Hi my name's Jo, and I'd like to say a few things with reagards to my life...

 

Well, how can I start? I'm 20 years old and I'm from Bristol in England. I haven't had an easy life from the day I was born -

 

MY ORIGIN

 

I turned out to be a lovechild (an illegitimate child) and my mum wasn't planning on having a baby as she was 18 at the time.

I never met my dad, my mum nor my grandparents have mentioned him. I have asked my mum if she knew anything about him, and she simply avoided the issue altogether. I did request a copy of my birth certificate but under the 'FATHER' box, it had a cross through it.

 

It was very difficult at school, I was bullied for not having a dad (I was bullied for lots of things) and it made me make a lie about him. I told all the bullies that my dad had died in a car crash when I was very young. To be frank, I don't know what happened to my dad, he could well have died in a car crash or he might not have altogether. I can't go on any information because I haven't been given any and my mum isn't willing enough to tell me even though I'm now an adult. But kids at school said that I was weird when I told them I didn't have a dad. "Course you have a dad, everyone has." was all they could say. It was really hurtful that my dad could leave me and my mum, who was dependant on my nan and grandad (her parents)

 

MY RELATIONSHIP

 

I'm currently in a relationship with a guy. He's a lovely bloke and I think the world of him, but we were engaged, and have called it off. Really only because we can't afford to get married just yet, and I don't feel like I'm ready for a big commitment like that.

I did fall out with my best friend because of this, and she admitted a few days ago that she felt I was too young to get engaged - she didn't want me to completely accept her advice, she just wanted me to be happy and to do what I felt was the right thing to do.

The only reason that I could think of to end the engagement was because of -

ME

 

I haven't been given a lot of chance by my mum (when I lived with her - I moved in with my bloke a month ago) to go out and enjoy myself. Like going out clubbing, drinking, and so on.

Because I've lived a sheltered life, I never knew what people did when they went out into town and had drinks and all that. When I was with my current bloke in town for the first time, I found out that girls and lads my age went out on the pull.

For some reason at first it bothered me - but now I like the idea of pulling guys even though I go out with one.

I'm not saying I want to cheat but in the past I've felt like I've done so. I was

completely sober one night, and one guy (who wasn't be particularly good looking) came onto me and he was groping me and making me feel very uncomfortable. I didn't kiss him and he didn't kiss me and that was the end of it. But because I got bullied a lot at school for my looks (I was seen as very unattractive at school by other girls) I wanted to prove to myself that I still was very unattractive. Even though I get beeped at by men in sports cars, and get told every day by my bloke that I'm pretty, I still feel like I'm not. And I don't know why.

 

Sorry if I have a lot to moan about, but I really want answers to these questions, and I don't know who to turn to.

 

Jo

[Outcast]

I didn't really see any questions...

[sylviaguardian]

Jo,

 

Sounds like you had a rough past but you are young and there is time for you to turn it all around and be the person you want to be. At some point we all have to take responsibility for ourselves and let go of what happened in the past.

 

It sounds like you have pretty low self-esteem so I would work on that first. You seem to have a nice man but you are thinking about cheating? That doesn't make sense and has self-destruct written all over it. My guess is that you think you don't deserve a nice man. Try to find yourself a self-esteem course. There are free things on the internet that you can look into.

[Xoxogirl]

I feel that, in a sense, I know what you are going through at least with the self-esteem issues. I used to constantly feel unattractive to men, an in general, but through a lot of hard work, I realized that I was an attractive person only showing off all my insecurities which most likely made me less attractive to people. (I hope that makes sense.) You are extremely lucky to have found someone that you love and care for. Obviously, he is seeing something that you are not. I just think that you have been dealt with some things that most people have not had to deal with. You should praise yourself for just being where you are right now. Look at the things that you have achieved without some of the advantages that your peers have had. I believe you are a much stronger person for that. You just need to look at your accomplishments, however small they may seem to you, and start developing some confidence from them and move forward from their. I am sure that if you look at yourself from another viewpoint you will find yourself very attractive. I wish you well!

[LoveApple]

It sounds like you've had a hard time of it.

 

I used to be bullied at school, never knew the reason, and often didn't have friends- all this has given me low self esteem too. Maybe for no reason at all? Kids are cruel and often do so for no reason, trying to 'impress' each other, feel unity or 'belonging' to a group and such. NOT because you're a bad person. Please try to forget this, and consider having a new start without all this baggage.

 

If men are chasing you and your man tells you often that you're pretty, that suggests to me that you're selling yourself short! Sure, you may not be a 'classic' beauty such as supermodels- but who is? Around 12 women in the whole world! Lots of women that my male friends think are attractive, I think are not so at all lol... so you may be more attractive than you think

 

Are you sure you're not just holding on to this partner because you're scared to be alone? Or need a launching pad into the social world you're unfamilir with? Or because you feel the need for a male presence in your life? It may be hard, but if you're thinking about picking up, maybe you should consider ending the relationship..

 

Hope this helps and hope you're feeling better soon x