Should I continue after these red flags setting up the date?

[max3732]

Matched with this woman on a dating app who lives about 25 minutes from me. After a few messages I asked if she wanted to meet for ice cream/coffee and a walk around this beautiful park. She replied back with she could meet but she wants dinner.

I'm not taking someone to dinner after exchanging 3 messages on a dating app, but offered lunch and gave a place and time. She says that will work, but wants to do a different day. A few days later she says yes the new date I offered, but wants to meet near a park close to her house because she turned in her car and doesn't have her new one yet.

I found that rather suspicious, so instead of answering asked when she's getting her new car and she asked me why. So I told her it must be exciting to get a new car and she says she's ready to meet in person and never told me when the car is coming in.

That was a lot of back and forth and I find it odd she only wants to meet right by where she lives and doesn't have a car now and can't just take ride sharing to place 10 minutes away I suggested that would be in the middle for us. 

Where she lives I'm not familiar with at all and the parking is expensive and difficult. 

At this point should I tell her I'll wait until she gets her car and can meet me half way? Or is it reasonable to expect me to drive to her and try to find parking in a crowded area I don't know?

There is someone else I matched with who I'm scheduling with who is much easier to deal with

[Wiseman2]

Please try to cooperate and try to make mutually agreeable plans. Including time, date, place. Why ask nosy questions about her car? It's none of your business. 

And on top of that, rather than you driving an extra couple of minutes, she should pay a ride-sharing for an ice cream cone? C'mon. 

If she doesn't want to drive to you and feels safer in her area or location, so what? Basically you want her to walk around a park with a complete stranger that you pick out for your convenience? 

Unfortunately you still seem to be spending way too much time on chitchat, arguing ,etc.  Almost looking for reasons to avoid dating. 

Most women are going to feel more comfortable in their own familiar area and in a more public protected place like a cafe, whatever. 

Edited March 13 by Wiseman2

[max3732]

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please try to cooperate and try to make mutually agreeable plans. Including time, date, place. Why ask nosy questions about her car? It's none of your business. 

And on top of that, rather than you driving an extra couple of minutes, she should pay a ride-sharing for an ice cream cone? C'mon. 

If she doesn't want to drive to you and feels safer in her area or location, so what? Basically you want her to walk around a park with a complete stranger that you pick out for your convenience? 

Unfortunately you still seem to be spending way too much time on chitchat, arguing ,etc.  Almost looking for reasons to avoid dating. 

Most women are going to feel more comfortable in their own familiar area and in a more public protected place like a cafe, whatever. 

Asking when she will get her car is nosy? You don't find it odd she turned in her car and says she's waiting for her new one so can't drive anywhere?

Also I would be treating her to lunch, not ice cream. 

It's not the time of driving, but the parking is very expensive and hard to find. 

The other one I matched with said she's good for pretty much anything and listed a whole bunch of things and just wants a chance to meet me in person. I guess the contrast between her and this one is striking

[Wiseman2]

Who cares about her car? Maybe, like you she doesn't want to pay for parking. 

Anyway #2 sounds like a better match. 

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, max3732 said:

Asking when she will get her car is nosy? You don't find it odd she turned in her car and says she's waiting for her new one so can't drive anywhere?

Also I would be treating her to lunch, not ice cream. 

It's not the time of driving, but the parking is very expensive and hard to find. 

The other one I matched with said she's good for pretty much anything and listed a whole bunch of things and just wants a chance to meet me in person. I guess the contrast between her and this one is striking

I don't find it odd at all. But I don't know what you know about life in your neck of the woods, so maybe her words would mean something to me if I did.

Anyway, all that matters is that meeting her would be much more work than you're willing to put into the process. That's fine, you know. You get to decide what you're willing to do. So just cancel whatever plans you've shared with her and focus on the other woman.

[basil67]

3 hours ago, max3732 said:

Where she lives I'm not familiar with at all and the parking is expensive and difficult. 

This has been an ongoing issue for you since you've been posting here.  Honestly, if travelling to meet a person is too difficult for you, date people who live near you.

[Alpacalia]

I'll take a stab at this from another angle. What's your 1st impression of this woman that's steering you off-course? I know the situation is a lot of back and forth about the where and when of the first date,  but still...where's your heart at?

[FredEire]

I don't see many red flags here. Maybe she's being a tiny bit demanding in terms of where you meet but everyone has their own reasons and motivations for meeting in a particular place. Maybe try and just negotiate a little bit and be as reasonable as you can? Sometimes people have to go out of their way a little bit on dates.

[max3732]

14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Who cares about her car? Maybe, like you she doesn't want to pay for parking. 

Anyway #2 sounds like a better match. 

Under what circumstances would someone sell their car and not have a new one for an extended period of time? If she's getting her car the next day we could meet somewhere else.

My impression is that she's lying about the car so she doesn't have to put the effort into driving 10 or even 5 minutes away. The place I suggested has free parking that's easy to find. The place she wants to meet is in a congested area with extremely expensive parking.

 

14 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

I don't find it odd at all. But I don't know what you know about life in your neck of the woods, so maybe her words would mean something to me if I did.

Anyway, all that matters is that meeting her would be much more work than you're willing to put into the process. That's fine, you know. You get to decide what you're willing to do. So just cancel whatever plans you've shared with her and focus on the other woman.

On first dates I've driven over an hour and treated women to expensive meals just to get rejected again and again. 

In my neck of the woods there are also many women who come here on vacation and are looking for someone to act as a tour guide or pay for their meal and then they leave. Once I drove 2 hours to see someone for a 3rd date and she told me she wanted to get together again the following weekend and I see her location as across the country and she sends me a message she moved back

14 hours ago, basil67 said:

This has been an ongoing issue for you since you've been posting here.  Honestly, if travelling to meet a person is too difficult for you, date people who live near you.

Traveling isn't an issue once I've started dating someone. My last relationship she lived 45 minutes away and I drove to see her every weekend. The issue is a first date with someone I've only exchanged 3 messages with who demands dinner and that I drive and park somewhere expensive and crowded.

If she wanted to get to know me why demand dinner? After my last dinner dates where it was clear we weren't right for each other I figured something more low key would be better for a 1st date.

5 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I'll take a stab at this from another angle. What's your 1st impression of this woman that's steering you off-course? I know the situation is a lot of back and forth about the where and when of the first date,  but still...where's your heart at?

What attracted me to her are her photos, that she doesn't drink and she is educated. The 1st impression that's steering me off course is that she has 1 or 2 word answers on her profile .

The major thing was that she demanded I take her to dinner on a first date after literally exchanging 2 messages. I asked how often she goes skiing and she said "from time to time" and then she said for fun she likes "anything. Being active. How about you?".

I gave a much longer answer and figured it would be easy to meet up and have an actual conversation like I setup with this other one.

My heart is telling me she may be a scammer or at the very least looking for a meal ticket. As I said previously here if her goal was to get to know me why demand dinner and not an opportunity to get to know me walking in a beautiful area that's easy for us both with some delicious ice cream?

4 hours ago, FredEire said:

I don't see many red flags here. Maybe she's being a tiny bit demanding in terms of where you meet but everyone has their own reasons and motivations for meeting in a particular place. Maybe try and just negotiate a little bit and be as reasonable as you can? Sometimes people have to go out of their way a little bit on dates.

Isn't agreeing to meet her for lunch a compromise? I just don't enjoy being taken advantage of and am imagining sitting in traffic, driving around forever in 1 way streets trying to find overpriced parking to meet someone who will thank me for the meal and tell me she's moving back to another state or that is obviously wrong for me.

[Wiseman2]

Lunch, cafe, light snack, etc is fine.  However please don't ask women to meet you in a park. It's creepy. 

Please don't date women who live in the city. You seem to resent driving and parking there. 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, max3732 said:

What attracted me to her are her photos, that she doesn't drink and she is educated. The 1st impression that's steering me off course is that she has 1 or 2 word answers on her profile .

The major thing was that she demanded I take her to dinner on a first date after literally exchanging 2 messages. I asked how often she goes skiing and she said "from time to time" and then she said for fun she likes "anything. Being active. How about you?".

I gave a much longer answer and figured it would be easy to meet up and have an actual conversation like I setup with this other one.

My heart is telling me she may be a scammer or at the very least looking for a meal ticket. As I said previously here if her goal was to get to know me why demand dinner and not an opportunity to get to know me walking in a beautiful area that's easy for us both with some delicious ice cream?

I don't think that she demanded that you take her to dinner, I think she was trying to steer it to maybe something other than meeting for a first time in a secluded place, where making something happen could be easier for you and not her. You also might not be setting the bar as high as you should, as my other question about what it was that attracted you in the first place.

I really think that the photos are a small part, maybe what I should ask is what notoriously bad dating habits is she falling into and what are your preconceived notions of her is from her pictures only... I think that should shed some light as to why you picked this person... Just a small thought for you to bone over.

[Weezy1973]

Sounds like it’s possible she’s looking for a free meal. I never did a meal on a first date from online dating. A drink, or a coffee, or an ice cream at all great. If she’s insisting on a meal, I’d just pass. It’s weird to be honest for a stranger to insist on a meal for a date. The car thing is a nothingburger though. And yeah sometimes you’re going to have to deal with inconvenience when meeting someone with parking or driving. It is what it is. 

[max3732]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Lunch, cafe, light snack, etc is fine.  However please don't ask women to meet you in a park. It's creepy. 

Please don't date women who live in the city. You seem to resent driving and parking there. 

Of course I didn't ask her to meet me in a park. I asked her to meet me at an ice cream place and then go for a walk around an area that includes a park. It is a very public, popular area. 

I actually don't mind driving to certain parts of the city, just not ones that are congested and impossible or expensive to park. For someone I was dating I would go there, but not someone I'm thinking it trying to get a free meal.

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I don't think that she demanded that you take her to dinner, I think she was trying to steer it to maybe something other than meeting for a first time in a secluded place, where making something happen could be easier for you and not her. You also might not be setting the bar as high as you should, as my other question about what it was that attracted you in the first place.

I really think that the photos are a small part, maybe what I should ask is what notoriously bad dating habits is she falling into and what are your preconceived notions of her is from her pictures only... I think that should shed some light as to why you picked this person... Just a small thought for you to bone over.

Here's the exact message

Me: Would you rather talk in person? Meet for ice cream and walk around Neighborhood Name this weekend?

Her: Sounds good. We can meet over dinner and discuss the rest

To me that sounds like her demanding I take her to dinner. 

Can you elaborate on your 2nd paragraph?

[Alpacalia]

7 minutes ago, max3732 said:

Here's the exact message

Me: Would you rather talk in person? Meet for ice cream and walk around Neighborhood Name this weekend?

Her: Sounds good. We can meet over dinner and discuss the rest

To me that sounds like her demanding I take her to dinner. 

Can you elaborate on your 2nd paragraph?

Sure, of course. It's possible that she simply wants to continue the conversation and connect more in person over dinner. It's also possible that she's assuming you'll pay for dinner, but that may not necessarily be the case. She may be open to splitting the cost or even paying for her own meal. 

But if you are feeling uncomfortable with her approach or unsure about her intentions, it's completely valid to decline the date. You can thank her for the offer and suggest meeting for a casual activity instead, like grabbing ice cream and walking around the neighborhood. This way, you can get to know each other in a more relaxed setting before committing to a more formal dinner date. 

[JackFlash]

all I'll say is that you are communicating on texts and from your actions to be a VERY bitter, most likely not financially stable, and insecure man. Saying that "parking is expensive" is flat out ridiculous I'm sorry. 

 

You almost seem to be anticipating her using you for a free lunch/dinner, which is coming across to her as either desperate or that you're used to woman not liking you. Both are bad!

 

Just go on the date and suck it up. If you don't like her physically or from your quick chat then don't go out. Smart academic woman tend to be pretty straight forward and blunt about what they like, I see nothing wrong with ANY of her texts. 

 

But from what I am guessing, you probably come across as the classic " nice guy "which is far more the problem than anything else. I do agree with you to try to stick to lower stakes early first dates like ice cream is possible  

[basil67]

7 hours ago, max3732 said:

Traveling isn't an issue once I've started dating someone. My last relationship she lived 45 minutes away and I drove to see her every weekend. The issue is a first date with someone I've only exchanged 3 messages with who demands dinner and that I drive and park somewhere expensive and crowded.

If she wanted to get to know me why demand dinner? After my last dinner dates where it was clear we weren't right for each other I figured something more low key would be better for a 1st date.

I understand that you don't like her approach, but she hasn't technically done anything wrong.  Your attitude towards her virtually guarantees a fail anyway, so just save yourself the drive, the time and money and cancel it.

For it's worth, in my city virtually anywhere worth going is congested and expensive to park.  So we generally choose public transport to get there, even if that means driving to a half way train/bus station and public transport the last leg or two.  I'd be surprised if this popular locale she's selected has no PT options for you

Edited March 14 by basil67

[Acacia98]

10 hours ago, max3732 said:

On first dates I've driven over an hour and treated women to expensive meals just to get rejected again and again. 

In my neck of the woods there are also many women who come here on vacation and are looking for someone to act as a tour guide or pay for their meal and then they leave. Once I drove 2 hours to see someone for a 3rd date and she told me she wanted to get together again the following weekend and I see her location as across the country and she sends me a message she moved back

Traveling isn't an issue once I've started dating someone. My last relationship she lived 45 minutes away and I drove to see her every weekend. The issue is a first date with someone I've only exchanged 3 messages with who demands dinner and that I drive and park somewhere expensive and crowded.

I see what you mean. Admittedly, if I were in your shoes, I would not do the lunch at all. And that was my opinion before you provided the information that helped me understand your context better. I've learnt from my experience with my long-term friends that, if I have to jump through hoops to spend time with someone, it really isn't worth it. Bending over backwards to accommodate people would just result in my being resentful if they took my effort for granted (and that happens a lot, people can be pretty self-centered/entitled). So I just do what I am comfortable doing. Mind you, I'm talking about friends I've known for years. If I wouldn't do it for my friends, I wouldn't do it for a relative stranger in the name of dating.

[Acacia98]

5 hours ago, JackFlash said:

all I'll say is that you are communicating on texts and from your actions to be a VERY bitter, most likely not financially stable, and insecure man. Saying that "parking is expensive" is flat out ridiculous I'm sorry. 

You know, not everybody is at the same income level as your average middle-class American with a car. Even those with more restricted means want to meet someone to love etc. 

[JackFlash]

1 minute ago, Acacia98 said:

You know, not everybody is at the same income level as your average middle-class American with a car. Even those with more restricted means want to meet someone to love etc. 

I see, I apologize for my tone.

I do still think you are going in with way too many negative assumptions as many people have said already to you. Even discussing friends you have there is like a bitterness or negative history that you seem to indicate.

Woman whether it's true or not need to believe you have social proof/are above them in some way in order to be attracted. 

But if this is truly a financial hassle for you just go with the other girl you mentioned and circle back to her later. Not the worst thing in the world.. 

[Acacia98]

20 minutes ago, JackFlash said:

I see, I apologize for my tone.

I do still think you are going in with way too many negative assumptions as many people have said already to you. Even discussing friends you have there is like a bitterness or negative history that you seem to indicate.

Woman whether it's true or not need to believe you have social proof/are above them in some way in order to be attracted. 

But if this is truly a financial hassle for you just go with the other girl you mentioned and circle back to her later. Not the worst thing in the world.. 

I'm not OP. I think you're conflating my story with his.

[JackFlash]

52 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

I'm not OP. I think you're conflating my story with his.

oh oops

[introverted1]

On 3/12/2024 at 10:31 PM, max3732 said:

After a few messages I asked if she wanted to meet for ice cream/coffee and a walk around this beautiful park. She replied back with she could meet but she wants dinner.

Hey Max.  How did she present this exactly?  I am less put off about the car than about a woman who believes she's entitled to dinner (assuming she's expecting you to pay) on a first meet.  But I'd like to hear more detail about this aspect before drawing any conclusions. 

[smackie9]

This is what I always say....if it doesn't feel right to you, then it's not. You don't need any explanation why you shouldn't see this woman. 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

This is what I always say....if it doesn't feel right to you, then it's not. You don't need any explanation why you shouldn't see this woman. 

Agree with this.

If it doesn't feel right to you, which it doesn't, then you have your answer. Listen to yourself and move on. I suggested prior that maybe you counter offer but I think since you're having reservations it's best to not waste more time and energy on this woman.

Hold out for someone easier and less complicated for you to meet.

There are many women out there, don't get hung up on this one when you've not even met. Of course, you have to weigh the risks and benefits for yourself. If you're already not feeling good about it, then I think you're right to just let it go and move on.

I will say though, that if you go into each date with the mindset that a woman is looking for a free meal then you're going to be in for a lot of disappointment. Of course, there are women out there like that and I've seen and heard a few interesting stories but do you want to start off this way? Or, would you prefer to deal with someone else?

That's up to you to decide. I am certain you'll make a good decision for yourself. Best of luck!

[ShyViolet]

I think it's an exaggeration to call these "red flags".

If parking is such a problem for you in this area, why not take public transportation or a cab there.  Or just cancel it if you're not feeling it.