how to proceed

[Gnodab]

Here is the general gist of my situation

 

I am 20 years old, and am just beginning to fully understand my situation.

My dad died when i was 8, and for the next 6 years or so, so did most of my living relatives, leaving my sister, my mom, and I pretty much isolated (my mom has a brother on the east coast, and a sister 30 minutes away, although she doesn't talk with her sister) from the world.

 

My mom has on occasion brought up how her parents were both alcoholics, and has been extremely neglectful and abusive of both me and my sister. She is just not all there in the head. She found christianity right after my father died, but I think she took in the "christ loves you no matter what" part and confused it with "christ loves you, so do whatever the hell you want to whoever the hell you want."

 

She became very distant from myself, and as far as i can tell from my sister. She would just sit at home all day every day doing absolutly nothing. She fears going out. She would never accept any other way of doing anything. And (this is an assumtion on my part) because I was the only male in her life, She would pick fights with me over everything. Anything I said or did, she would find some reason to argue with me about it. And she would never listen to my feelings on anything (the most annoying of all this was when she would tell me to do things, and continue to talk after I asked her to stop. I would say "ok, i got it" but she would just continue talking. Id ask her to stop again and even start doing things, and she would just continue talking. I would get angry and tell her to shut the hell up, and she would just look at me, tell me not to take that tone with her, and start talking. Occasionally this would turn into some kind of fight when I just couldnt take the annoyance anymore, as this happened pretty much day in day out)

I had it worse then my sister, because everything a normal boy does was denied to me, although, fortunitally for me, I managed to socialize myself well enough with the few friends I've had to be able to function as an adult.

 

Because of the neglect, and because whenever I recieved human contact it was in the form of fighting, for a while (actually up untill maybe a week ago when all of this suddenly started becoming clear) I would be hypervigilant of people coming into contact with me. Most of the time if someone touched me without knowing that it was gonna happen I would turn around and get defensive.

 

She would constantly take what few thigns I had and throw them out without my consent, and when I told her to stop doing that, she continued saying what do you need this crap for, or something to that extent.

 

from about the time I was 12 till the time I moved out (late 18, early 19, im not exactly sure), She would also go into diabetic reactions on a daily basis. She wouldnt take care of herself. We (my sister and I) ended up trying to send her to a hospital to get some help, only to find that while there she miraculously didn't seem to have that bad of a problem. We took care of her for years because she refused to take care of herself, and then Neglected and fought with us between the choatic episodes. Now whenever I hear an alarm clock in the morning that doesn't turn off, I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach because I was so used to waking up to it and dealing with her in an unconcious violent state, often times even choking on her own saliva. We (my sister and I) eventually found out that she was throwing up after she ate, and that was why she could never keep her insulin at the right levels, even though she lied about it to the end of the earth.

 

As far as I can tell, all of this stress drove my sister (2 years older then me) crazy. Now she has bi-polar and other severe emotional problems, and more often then not Im the one who she takes it out on.

 

About 2 months ago, I found Buddhism, and I find that meditation and the buddhist philosophy has helped me immensly to sort out what has happened in my life. I Even went to make ammends with her saying "there are so many things I can be angry with you about, but its just draining me and I can't do it anymore". She replied saying "why would you be angry at me".

 

Well later that night when I was cleaning her dishes for her (kind of a slob) she picked yet another fight with me, about using too much water when I was drying off some pots and pans or something. Then the next time i talked to her, about money and other important matters, She cut me off in the middle of what I was saying to start a fight that I hadnt properly said hello to her in a way she saw fit.

 

 

I do not know how to deal with her anymore. I can accept the idea of not holding a grudge against her for past actions, but I can't be around her. She refuses to be responsible for what she has done, and goes into defensive mode whenever anyone suggests she start to act different.

 

She invited me home for christmas, and as much as I think it would be nice to have family to be with on christmas, driving 2 hours to see her and my sister (the issues shes caused me to have are another post in and of itself!) just doesn't seem to be worth it. I try and look on the bright side of things, but I just can't figure out how I can spend time with either one of them without blowing up and leaving (which at this point I think is counterproductive). They are completely disrespectful of just about everything I say and do. Any advice as to how to handle this?