Frustrated with lazy, selfish husband who wants sex ALL the time...

[uleryrns]

Ok, I'll try to make this as short as possible:

 

My H and I have been married for 6 years, known each other for 7. We have 2 boys (2 and 4) and vowed to stay together until death do us part.

 

I'm at the point where I'm really uncomfortable with my H and not pleased with him as a husband. We've discussed my feelings (and his) to some level, but not so far as I truly feel. We just started counseling last week, so hopefully that will help.

 

Basically, not to say I'm not at fault for anything, but my H has a lot of issues that he needs help with. First off he's recently been diagnosed as being Bipolar Stage II (which is the low end manic/depressive). He doesn't have extreme highs or lows, but he does have serious mood swings and behavioral problems. It explains why he's been verbally and mentally abusive to me the last 5 years and why he will switch mood gears in a split second and fly off the handle.

 

But on top of his mood disorder, which he's taking meds for and slowly getting a handle on, he has other issues that are causing a LOT of resentment in me. From the beginning (and I've just had it now) he's been lazy, selfish, unreliable, somewhat irresponsible, a procrastinater, controlling (to a degree), angry, negative, demanding, self-righteous and just irritable. A lot of that may be his disorder, but I think a lot of it too is learned behavior from his childhood. His mom has always been there to bail him out and take care of his problems. From what I've been told by his entire family, my H usually was not the one to take care of HIS problems. So it's obvious to me now that he's used to someone else taking care of his crap or he thinks it will take care of itself.

 

He constantly tells me he'll do this or that and hardly follows through. He's reliably unreliable and I have NO faith in him, and this too has built up a lot of resentment in me.

 

No matter how much we discuss these kinds of things and he'll sit there and say all the wonderful things I want to hear, about how he didn't realize it was affecting me so much and how he'll work on changing it and blah blah blah, NOTHING ever changes. He talks the talk, but hardly ever walks the walk. I'd say about 90% of the time he does not.

 

And aside from that, I handle everything. The finances, the bills, the cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking care of the kids, and working full time. He works full time too, but right now, that's all he feels like to me, is a freakin paycheck. It's like having a third child sometimes, because he'll make a mess and leave it for me to clean up. Or if I leave it, it'll stay there and clutter up MY house. Yes, it's our house (we're actually renting), but I feel like it's MY house because I am the only one doing the work to keep it up. I am an organized, clean person and I was taught to pick up after myself and keep things tidy and clean. I was taught to be responsible for my things and repsect them. Apparently, my husband was not. And I don't want my kids learning HIS bad behaviors (which they already are).

 

Now, my husband was a great guy when we were dating. And even he'll admit that he put on that he was a great guy and hid all the baggage and issues he had, because he was afraid I'd run away. And right about now, I'm regretting that I married him. I hate to say it, but right now, I feel that if I had it to do over (except the kids) I would not have married him. I didn't know he was bipolar, I didn't know he had emotional problems and didn't know how to communicate well at all. I didn't know he was lazy and very very selfish.

 

Now I hope counseling will enlighten both of us and help us to become a better husband and wife to each other. But right now I feel like I want my H to be a totally different person than he is. I feel like I want him to change too much about himself and I don't think that's fair. Granted, if he realized he needs to grow up and be a mature, responsible, reliable husband and father, then he would be better off for it, but I know it's not really fair to expect that of him. I just know that with things the way they are and have been, I am totally unhappy and my desire for him has diminished a lot. All I think about is wanting to be apart from him. I don't enjoy his company much anymore either, because he is very critical of me and unless he's taken his meds, he has mood swings still that I end up getting hurt by. He gets mad at the slightest most trival things, yells and screams and curses at me, then after getting over the mood, calms down and realizes he was wrong and apologizes. But still, now I've been hurt and would just rather not be around him at all.

 

And on top of that, he wants to have sex ALL the time. He claims that's the way he feels close to me is by being physical and I'm glad he's so attracted to me, but it's almost an obsession. Every single night he approaches me and in an expectant and almost pushy way. And if I don't give in, I get comments and a guilt trip or he goes into one of his tantrums and stomps around the house, bitching. He'll tell me he's just gonna have to look elsewhere because I'm not attracted to him, etc. And unbeknownst to him (so far), the main reason I've been having sex with him is to shut him up, so I don't have to deal with his speeches and woah is me crap. He always plays the victim as if I'm the bad person because I'm not in the mood, again. I feel pressured and I hate going to bed with him every night now because I just know, he won't let up about having sex. It's all he thinks about, which I know is normal to some degree for men, but he makes comments and jokes and talks about it ALL THE TIME. And it's very very annoying and very much a turn off, even more than all the other issues I have resentment over.

 

So, I guess I'm just putting this here to see what anyone else has to say. Anybody else going through the same thing? Anyone have advice? I really don't want a divorce, because I do love my H. I just am not happy with the person he's become and I'm not happy being in this marriage right now. Is it fixable? That's the million dollar question.

[whichwayisup]

All I can say is be patient with him. I do believe all that he is doing, saying and acting like IS his disorder. Is he seeing a behaviour therapist one on one? If not, please get him to do this for himself. The marriage counselling will help both of you together, but he definately needs some one on one therapy to help him with his disorder.

 

Being with someone who is bipolar isn't easy and honestly, somehow you have to 'detach' yourself, accept things as they are when his lows come and hit. I'm not saying to cater to ALL his needs, he has to try to do as much as he can for you too, but this disorder really has taken over his life, which ofcourse affects you, the marriage and the kids.

 

Do a google on depression fallout. That should help you alot.

 

Hope things do work out. Don't give up, keep venting and posting.

[Becoming]

Yeah, it's fixable, but it's gonna take two and a lot of work.

 

I responded to you on the procrastinators' thread, but here are a few observations:

 

*Mania is often characterized by hyper-sexuality.

*To many men, sex=intimacy. For you, it's probably other things like talking, being reliable, etc. I highly recommend that you both sit down and each take the emotional needs questionaire on http://www.marriagebuilders.com It was eye-opening for both of us.

*Why would he want to open up if all he's getting is a diatribe? No judgment, hon. But I tried that approach, and trust me, it does not work.

 

Give counselling a go, but work through the stuff on marriagebuilders.com, too. It's helped our marriage as much as marriage counselling.

 

God bless!

[Outcast]

I am also sure that most of what you see is caused by the disorder. You have to understand that disorders ARE about behaviour. It's not as though he has a cold but should behave like a regular person - it's the behaving normally part that's the broken part.

 

You are in therapy and that's the only thing that might help. Resenting him won't. Understanding many of these things are not done wilfully or maliciously will.

[lilmoma1973]

 

Sounds like you have alot on your plate and i'm sure it can be frustrating and all but you made a huge step by going to counseling so if you two are willing to make it a go it can be fixed. .. I would say that most of his behavior is coming from his disorder and he is now on meds so it will probably work out for you cause the meds can control his mood swings!!! Hang in there it will be a rocky road while he sorts through all his issues of this disorder!! Are you saying that you have given up ? It is normal to be resentful but you gotta learn to let go before you can recover this marriage from all the things that happe.. Trust me i can relate with h not helping with the house ,the kids ,procastinating been there before and h is finally learning that he has to pull his weight .. I held alot of resentment and still am learning to let go and finding that letting go of the resentment is the best thing if you can't let go you will never move foward!!!!! Good luck

[sparticuss]

Terribly terribly cliched.

Go back and re read what youve written. Youv'e called him all the derogatary names under the sun but you havent actually said a thing about him. Just your opinons and feelings about him.

You have called him unreliable but you havent menteioned even one time that he has proven unrelaibe let alone the one hundred or so before you can call him consistenly unreliabe.

 

You have howled about his lack of atending to domestic duties but you haven't incuded the male domestic duties in your list. Have you helped him repair the car, or the plumbing. Or do the garden? Domestic duties do not end at the door.

 

As for his bipolar behaviours. Crikey! Women do that all the time. It's called PMS. And at least he is attempting to treat it. I wish more women whould approach thier PMS problems in the same way.

[Art_Critic]

Just your opinions and feelings about him.

 

What else is she supposed to post ?? her friends feelings and opinions instead?

 

As for his bipolar behaviors. Crikey! Women do that all the time. It's called PMS.

 

Are you nuts???.. She said he was clinically diagnosed as Bipolar Stage II .. you fool

[Milo]

One thing you can't allow is for someone's disorder to explain away or in some fashion forgive something like not cleaning up their dirty dishes left around the house. Despite someone's problems, just about everyone on the planet can do something simple like that.

[uleryrns]

Terribly terribly cliched.

Go back and re read what youve written. Youv'e called him all the derogatary names under the sun but you havent actually said a thing about him. Just your opinons and feelings about him.

You have called him unreliable but you havent menteioned even one time that he has proven unrelaibe let alone the one hundred or so before you can call him consistenly unreliabe.

 

You have howled about his lack of atending to domestic duties but you haven't incuded the male domestic duties in your list. Have you helped him repair the car, or the plumbing. Or do the garden? Domestic duties do not end at the door.

 

As for his bipolar behaviours. Crikey! Women do that all the time. It's called PMS. And at least he is attempting to treat it. I wish more women whould approach thier PMS problems in the same way.

 

Oh, where do I start with this one....? Jeesh

 

Ok, first off, I thought this board was to vent "feelings and opinions" about issues to get feedback. So that was what I was doing. I didn't want to take up everyones time listing ALL of the things that add to why I feel and have opinions as I do. Cuz it would add up to plenty and take a lot of time.

 

I disagree that I called my husband derogatory names in my post? Sure I said things that aren't nice, but I'm only speaking the TRUTH.

 

My husband is consitantly unreliable because he is JUST THAT. He'll offer and/or I'll ask and he'll agree, to do something and it doesn't get done, again and again. Unless of course I harp on him and "nag" him to do it. I'll give him a week or 2 weeks (depending on this thing needed to be done) and it'll sit there, undone. Unless I do it, because it NEEDS to be done right away. I will even specify a time frame and all I get is, "ok honey, I'll do it...", and still he sits there and doesn't do it.

 

For example, since you seem to need one, his weekly chores, he does not do on a regular basis as he agreed. He'll take the trash out regularly because he HAS to or it piles up and we have no where to put trash. But the other things, he'll blow off and ignore until I remind him to do it for about two weeks. Usually he'll let his chores go a month between doing them is not consisten with doing them when he does. And we both sat down and agreed to what he would do and what I would do and came to an agreement. He asked if I would write this list down for him and hang it on the fridge, so he can refer to it and not ever forget what he agreed he would do EVERY week. Not to mention he agreed to generally help me around the house, with the kids, picking up after himself and the kids, etc and he doesn't do that but maybe once a month, if that. He is not consistent. And usually, on his day off, while I'm working, he'll be home with the kids, letting them make a huge mess all over the house and he himself will make a mess and not bother to clean up after any of it, leaving me to walk in after working all day, to a messy house that I end up having to clean because he won't. If I ask him, I get the attitude and excuse that he's tired from watching the kids all day, when I know full well, he let them watch tv, while he either played computer games all day or watched tv himself.

 

And for your info, these are our typical house chores:, dishes

cooking

cleaning bathrooms

cleaning bedrooms

laundry (which not only includes the actual washer/dryer, but hanging and folding and putting away)

changing beds

vacuuming upstairs and downstairs (and the stairs)

sweeping and mopping the bathroom and kitchen floors

changing the cat box

occasional yard work

taking out the trash

feeding, changing and cleaning the kids

 

HIS chores are taking out the trash and sweeping/mopping the kitchen and bath floors and on his day off during the week, if he sees dishes or messy kitchen, to help with cleaning up that and anywhere else in the house, at any time, to help me with any thing else that needs cleaning up.

 

I DO EVERYTHING ELSE, PLUS manage the finances, take care of the bills/paperwork/taxes, any repairs around the house I take care of because my husband is incapable of handy-man type things, car repairs I try to handle depending on what it is, but mostly a mechanic gets that job, because neither my husband nor I can do that. Other than mowing the lawn and occasional weed killing (which happens about once a year at our house), I do most of the yard work (tree/bush trimming, weed pulling, cleaning patio, etc.

 

So you see, who has more duties here? Who handles more? You still think my husband is being treated unfairly here? Do you still think I'm not looking beyond the "door"? Paleeze.

 

You obviously know nothing about Bipolar Disorder or you wouldn't compare it to PMS. Read up on it, it's very enlightening!!!!!! And VERY tough for the spouse of someone who is. NOTHING in comparison to PMS, good God.

[whichwayisup]

Ignore sparticuss's replies to you from now on. He is NO help and is just being inconsiderate.

 

EVERYTHING your husband has become is because of his BP disorder. Somehow you need to accept that, deal with that and just detach abit more. Its hard but something you have to do for your own sanity. Don't rely on him for too much right now - UNTIL he starts to show some improvement.

 

I know this is hard on you, but unless you plan on a divorce, this is your life! So, make it easier on you! Get extra help around the house, work around him and DO what suits you right now in that sense.

[uleryrns]

Thank you WhichWay. You are right.

 

Luckily my husband is making some effort in trying to be more reliable. It isn't much, but it's a start. I suppose baby steps are better than none or even backward steps.

 

Until he gets insurance we're kind of stuck with just our marriage counseling, but I know he needs one on one with someone to deal with his behaviors and bipolar issues. And he agrees.

 

I take comfort knowing that our faith is in God and we put our marriage to Him, first of all. And secondly that my husband is willing to go to counseling and willing to make efforts to become a better husband. And that I too am willing to be patient just a while longer....

 

Thanx for the supportive comments.

[Outcast]

Are you on any bipolar support boards? You might find a lot of helpful advice from people who are actually living it there.

[whichwayisup]

Do a google on depression fallout. This will help you alot!

[alturrnababe]

Ok, I had posted stuff about my hubby being out all the time...yet when I read your post, it was as if you were describing my husband!! I feel so bad for you as I definitely know how frustrating this is.My husband does not believe anything is wrong with him, therefore meds are not an option-infact-I'm the one on them-because of him stressing me out!!!It seems like all I'm just a cook/prostitute/nanny all rolled into one.I kinda feel like the only adult around here and it's very lonely, so I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from-I really do wish you all the best.These guys need to spend a day in our shoes and see what it's really like to do absolutely EVERYTHING in the house on top of take care of children...then be approached for sex when completely exhausted....!!...lol... good luck to you!

[pinkrosette]

I agree with the poster who said get used to this, because this is the way he's going to be. People with BP can be extremely difficult to live with. They can take medication for it but it doesn't work on all of them.

 

Be prepared for things like:

 

hyper-sexuality (and they are likely to stray because of this)

 

compulsive spending (despite not having the money for things---watch your credit cards!)

 

irritablity

 

manipulation

 

depression

 

obssesiveness

 

sleeping all day and staying up all night

 

 

It is going to be a rollercoaster I'm afraid.

[RecordProducer]

You must admit that most mentally healthy people don't have all these flaws at once. I see that you're trying to determine how much of his behavior is his fault and how much due to the disorder. In any case, it's not his fault, even if that's how his parents taught him or he was born like that or he is just dumb.

 

As to how he was when he was a child, doctors are not sure when the disorder begins. Most children who turned out to be mentally ill as adults were difficult kids.

 

The question that you're asking is basically how much can be fixed. It actually depends on you - "how much" is enough for you. If you want him to be almost perfect then counseling won't do that, I am pretty sure. You must accept him to a certain extent if you want to continue to live with him. I know somebody who was married to a bipolar wife and she is also unreliable, moody, and some of the things you listed.

 

I believe that he is not incapable of cleaning after himself, but he IS incapable of realizing WHY he needs to do that. A normally selfish person will try to cover his fault most of the time, but your hubby doesn't see why selfishness is wrong, probably because he is bipolar.

 

So what I am saying is that he is most likely not able to understand what's wrong with him and why he need to change. His disorder probably interferes with his common sense.

 

In any case, counseling may help you, but I also believe that he should have sessions with his psychiatrist regularly. If this doesn't work... well you'll decide whether you will live like this forever or not.

[frustratedIam]

MY husband too is aggrivating the **** out out of me. I have a very low libido, and when I, occassionally, do want to do it, he either says that I don't really mean it or that I just want to skip the foreplay and get it done. It's all I ever hear...that he doesn't get sex...that I don't love him. He's myserable all of the time, and he makes me myserable. On a scale of 1 to 100, I'd say his sense of humor is about a 7, and I really have much more fun hanging out with my folks! All he does is play computer games or download music and create lists for his IPOD or whatever it is. I can't get him to do any chores whatsoever. It's 10:00 P.M. on New Year's Eve, and I'm 26, attractive, and sitting here typing on this computer. The old ball and chain sulled up about 30 minutes ago, because he couldn't get sex and went to bed.

[alturrnababe]

Frustrated I am....I totally sympathize...my hubby is out all the time, but when he gets home at say 3 or so on the weekends, he wants sex-he actually wakes me up...so selfish....mine has no sense of humor either...everything goes wayyyyy over his head, but I'm sure when he's with his oh-so-important friends at the bar or poker he's the life of the party.Do you have kids? maybe you should start going out and meeting people more interesting than your husband.Good luck and keep in touch,ok?