Dubya Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 There is no question in my mind that I've been abuse, but I don't know what to do now. The love of my life, my dear girlfriend (now ex-girlfriend), has a very...controlling, authoritative mother. The gist of the story is that once I said "no" to her (granted, at a time when I probably shouldn't have). Then, she freaked out on me, in what I can only call abuse. I became clinically depressed, and started to fear her. When I confronted her with this fact, she said she would kill me if I ever put her or her family in any danger or any risk of it. Well, considering the nature of a romantic relationship, we'd put each other at risk since the moment we started dating, a full year and a half before all this crap started up. She has since denied it, among other things (planning to get away with it, threatening me again, and even almost striking me during a therapy session). My mother took to calling her the "Psycho-Bitch," but never to her face. She (my mother) also has called what the other did to me "shaking the baby." This refers to bad parents of youngsters who, in order to stop the baby's crying, will shake it, ultimately causing it to cry more. That's what happened to me. Well, after a year of trying to be civil, trying to put up with her, and trying to be able to stand in her presence not supported by anything, my girlfriend broke up with me. That was almost a year ago. Now, I don't know what to do. I'm still depressed, and feel like I will be until I've reconciled with my abuser. I swear there's something messed up with her psychologically, but I don't think she's ever been screened or whatever. I bet she's bipolar. Anyway, she wants for me not to be afraid of her, and I don't want to. But I can't help it, not matter how hard I try. I have no idea what to do. And what's worse is that even though we broke up saying that we'd get back together, my ex no longer wants to, and won't tell me why. I just don't get it, and I don't know how to get over any of this. I've tried my utmost to get this crap out of my life, and to move on, but something is keeping me back. I have no idea what it is. ggggrrrrrr Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 Not clear what she did here. If she physically harmed you in an aggressive manner, you have to view it as an attack on your person, threats on your life are also an attack on your person, report these to the police. The fact that you are a man, I assume this, does not mean that this is any less serious. Go to the police. Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 Well. First you need to keep yourself out of her presence. Period. The relationship between an abuser and a survivor is not a normal healthy relationship of course--but both play a part. You can probably find some answers by getting some counseling from people that work with survivors of abuse daily. Have a look for your local domestic violence center and give them a call at their office, not the hotline. Ask to speak with an advocate or a counselor and go from there. Time will heal many of the wounds you have BUT to have a better chance of healthier relationships in the future you need to do some work on yourself with the help of a counselor. Learning as much as you can about abuse on your own will help but having a counselor can help you heal faster and maybe help you see things you might have missed on your own. Abuse, seems to me to be about control. And surviving abuse also seems to be about control. The abuser seeks to control the relationship and the survivor seeks the same thing--to control the relationship. Both chose unhealthy and destructive means to do so. Insecurity and fear also play a big role in an abusive relationship. If you want to get healthier, if you want to leave your depression behind you need to start working on getting better right now. Notice I said start getting better, this is going to take time. Take it easy, relax knowing that you can and will get better and that there are good days ahead for you. PS - If she threatens you again or causes you to fear for your safety or someone elses call the police. Having a history of calling the police on her might help you in the future in ways you can't even imagine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dubya Posted December 13, 2005 Author Share Posted December 13, 2005 She has not yet physically harmed me in any way. Yes, I am male (though good call for not assuming heterosexuality, very unbiased of you ). She has.....................berated me, emotionally hurt me, threatened me, and overall made me question my worth in society and in the world. Yes, that is abuse to me. As far as police..............I don't really know if I'm in any danger, especially since the wonderful relationship with her daughter is over. I'm still afraid of her however, and wish to......deal with that. What I really want to do is get her help, but I don't know how to do that, and I doubt I'm the one to do so. Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 What I really want to do is get her help, but I don't know how to do that, and I doubt I'm the one to do so.You are right, you are not the one to save her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dubya Posted December 13, 2005 Author Share Posted December 13, 2005 Oh, and as for the second response: I've been seeing a therapist for almost 1 2/3 years, and started on medication six months ago. I've been working very hard on getting this whole thing out of my life, but I'm convinced that there must be something else I need to do, since all previous efforts have failed. Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 Oh, and as for the second response: I've been seeing a therapist for almost 1 2/3 years, and started on medication six months ago. I've been working very hard on getting this whole thing out of my life, but I'm convinced that there must be something else I need to do, since all previous efforts have failed.No contact with your ex. Replace thoughts of your ex with thoughts of something good that doesn't in any way involve thinking about your ex or anyone in her life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dubya Posted December 13, 2005 Author Share Posted December 13, 2005 Replace thoughts of your ex with thoughts of something good She is something good. Plus, I've tried that. Like I said, I can't shake the feeling that there's more to be done here. Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 She is something good. Well, after a year of trying to be civil, trying to put up with her, and trying to be able to stand in her presence not supported by anything, my girlfriend broke up with me. I just don't get it, and I don't know how to get over any of this. I've tried my utmost to get this crap out of my life, and to move on, but something is keeping me back. I have no idea what it is.It doesn't sound like she is THAT good. From my perspective she seems wrong for you. I've tried that.Try? What thoughts would go through your mind if you were on a flight through stormy, turbulent weather and the pilot came on the P.A. and said, "folks I'm going to try and land in about 5 minutes." Like Yoda said, "there is no 'try' only 'do.' Like I said, I can't shake the feeling that there's more to be done here.And that is where continuing on with your therapy comes in. I'm not going to diagnose you online and say you are obsessive or anything. When it comes to the actions of a third party, your ex for example you can not control the outcome, you are powerless over her actions. Accept that fact. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dubya Posted December 13, 2005 Author Share Posted December 13, 2005 It doesn't sound like she is THAT good. From my perspective she seems wrong for you. The first she is her mother. The second one is the girlfriend. (Just clarifying.) Oh, and someone else has already labeled me obsessive compulsive: my psychiatrist. Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 Oh, and someone else has already labeled me obsessive compulsive: my psychiatrist.What I am about to say might not make any sense to you right now but your obsessive compulsiveness might very well be amplifying your discomfort. My advice is to work really, really hard with your psychiatrist and learn as much as you can about obsessive compulsiveness. Some of what you learn won't make sense to you. Have faith (blind faith if you have to) that these people that have studied it know what they are talking about. Come to accept that you have a tendency to think about some things in ways that do not serve you and look to the experts to help or assist you, think of them as coaches, teachers and mentors. Work on yourself and everything else tends to fall into place. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 Dubya, You're also showing classic signs of a co-dependant. See if you can attend one or two alanon meetings. Most people seem to think that co-dependency is exclusive to family members of alcoholics. Not the case. Co-dependency can occur due to many reasons. You must learn that her condition is beyond your control, and the best thing for you to do is leave it be, lest you become an, "enabler"..... The folks at alanon can help you with that. Link to post Share on other sites
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