under spectra Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 i'm engaged to someone whom everyone seems to dislike. the reason being that he is very mean to me and a little childish. he's 27 and i'm 19...and the reason i still want to be with him is because, well, it's true love, for both of us. after everything we've been through we'll try anything to be together. today he and i wanted to spend the day (and night) together when i got off work but i was asked to come in tommarow very early and since he lives in a different town i decided not to see him tonight. when i told him what i decided he was so angry that he doesn't want to talk to me for a week. he says it's because i don't care about his feelings, i'm a work-o-holic, and that the obvious choice was to turn down my boss to be with him tonight. it seems no matter how silly he is, it's my fault.am i going to spend my life like this? Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 If you have to ask this question, the answer is "no." Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 If you have to ask this question, the answer is "no." Amen. And yes, when you get married, it's likely the pouting and seeking to control your time and behavior will only get worse. Put the marriage off until this issue is thoroughly investigated. "Because he's my true love" is no excuse for putting up with behavior that makes you feel bad. Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 Amen. And yes, when you get married, it's likely the pouting and seeking to control your time and behavior will only get worse. Put the marriage off until this issue is thoroughly investigated. "Because he's my true love" is no excuse for putting up with behavior that makes you feel bad. "Because *************" is no excuse for putting up with behavior that makes you feel bad. There is no excuse, don't let him make you feel bad, just don't let him, he is not worth it. You have to work, everyone does. Anyone that would attempt to control that aspect of your life is very bad news, whereas attempting to control any aspect is just very bad news. Controlling is not loving, loving is understanding. Link to post Share on other sites
penkitten Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 no. a true love will not be demanding and will not act like a cry baby when he or she doesnt get their way. true lovers understand you and give you respect. truth is, you are going to grow as a person and he is going to stay the same. in a few years if you marry someone who shows you no respect you will think of divorce. please weigh out your options and trust your gut and your family's thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author under spectra Posted December 13, 2005 Author Share Posted December 13, 2005 thank you for the comments so far. i and my significant other know we have problems and he's heard enough from me that he has a problem. our plan is to wait at least 3 years until we get married. during this time we want to try to work it out, if not, we we'll brake it off...it's just that we want to grow old together and we've picked out our kids' names n' stuff. we're trying to be responsible and get through our/his problems Link to post Share on other sites
sophia34 Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 This is a no-brainer. He sounds childish, possessive, and potentially even abusive if he does not get his way. He is not worth one more second of your time, especially if you're only 19. I almost wish I had your problem. I'm with a guy who treats me like a queen and takes care of me and always puts me first. And I'm wondering whether or not to get married because of emotional concerns--not feeling the "spark," etc. It's making me miserable. If I had your problem, I would have no problem. You should require more of the man you marry. He should put you first (and you him), be understanding, and above all else, not get angry at you for having to go to work. If he gets angry over this relatively small situation, what will happen when something bigger happens? Make this guy history. Quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
Neptune Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 Quote from under spectra i'm engaged to someone whom everyone seems to dislike. There is a saying that love is blind but the neighbors ain`t. I think it applies here:( Link to post Share on other sites
Tamrick Posted December 15, 2005 Share Posted December 15, 2005 There are defintely problems here and you are the first to admit to them. However, childishness can be overcome. It is natural to react in disappointment and possibly even anger (to hide the disappointment) if someone you wanted to spend time with doesn't arrive, but it is not acceptable to overreact. He needs to learn to express how he feels without violating you. If you love him, you'll help him learn - even if it means by the hard way - ie make sure he gets more practice with disappointments. Its good you are willing to work on things though. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
UltimateZen Posted December 15, 2005 Share Posted December 15, 2005 You better be sure about this....waiting 3 years. That is 3 years of your life wasted on the notion that he will change for the better. To me, especially at the age you are at, he is not worth it. You are young and capable of having wonderful experiences that come without being in a serious relationship. Date, have fun, enjoy your years instead of forcing your life into such a dreary situation. You aren't even old enough to drink yet! My wife and I did not marry until recently (she is 28 and I 31). One of the biggest advantages of marrying when we did is that we both came into the marriage with relationship experience. Granted the majority of that experience was comprised of not so happy experiences; but we learned from our mistakes then so as to avoid them together in our marriage. There is a line from that Tom Cruise movie, Vanilla Sky: "Just remember, the sweet is never as sweet without the sour." Best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted December 15, 2005 Share Posted December 15, 2005 The whole thing sounds like a desperate attempt to not be alone. You are 19. Get an education. Meet other people. Don't look so intently at strapping yourself down with this guy. I really need to say that most 19 year olds THINK they know what "true love" is. (I was 19 once and have had two 19 yo kids.) Oh, and BTW, being mean, controlling and possessive isn't it. Just keep in mind that HIS problems are not YOUR problems. You don't have to be his personal savior. You shouldn't have to fix him. In fact, I hope you don't think that you can change him. My daughter just ended a relationship just like this. She wasted five years of her life trying to help him. She turned down other glances for the sake of the a$$ she was with. Edited to add: Always go with your gut feeling. Never talk your intuition out of anything. Like others have said, if you have to ask, the answer is, "No." And, the need to ask is your gut telling you that something isn't right. Link to post Share on other sites
stitchie21 Posted December 16, 2005 Share Posted December 16, 2005 If you are already questioning him, and your life with him - NO WAY. You are also sooooo young! Get out there and have fun, live your life, and worry about getting married down the line when you have experienced more and meet the right man! Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted December 17, 2005 Share Posted December 17, 2005 The fact that you posted the question means that a part of you knows something's not right. Having been 19 once, and knowing lots of 19-year-olds, I'd say you're trying to avoid the pain of deciding what to do with your life and letting someone else decide for you. You will only regret it. You're gonna have to face the pain of growing up on your own before you get married. Link to post Share on other sites
kitkat826 Posted December 19, 2005 Share Posted December 19, 2005 he's 27 and i'm 19...and the reason i still want to be with him is because, well, it's true love, for both of us. after everything we've been through we'll try anything to be together. I have to reiterate the point thats been made concerning your age. The above statement is a pretty serious once considering you are not yet twenty. This is not meant to be a bad statement about you, just the truth. So much is learned in the years you are in and during your twenties about who you are and how relationships work. Everyone at 19 thinks they have things figured out, and everyone ten years later looks back and can't believe how different they were. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted December 19, 2005 Share Posted December 19, 2005 I have to agree with kitkat on this one. I'm not trying to sound condescending, either, but speaking from experience I can say that most people don't begin to see the forest from the trees until after they've had more experience in adult life. Nineteen is just not a lot of time to really understand what 'true love' is. Also, this man of yours just doesn't sound like a very mature guy. He gets nasty with you or refuses to talk to you when he doesn't get his way...this is a very, very bad sign. To be brutally honest with you, I think your family and friends are trying to tell you that this guy just doesn't have the mental faculties to make a good husband. He acts like a baby, if you ask me. I know there's a part of you that's still quite young but searching for independence, and you probably don't want to hear your elders telling you that you're wrong. You probably think that they don't realize that you're a grown woman and you're capable of making your own decisions, and you think they're trying to restrict your independence. Don't look at it that way. Look at them as people with more experience living on this planet than you, and as people who care for your well being. They just don't want to see you get hurt, that's all. They're telling you that you can do better, and they're right - you can. Link to post Share on other sites
JayKay Posted December 19, 2005 Share Posted December 19, 2005 Oh my....RED FLAGS all over the place! * He blames you constantly * He is 'mean' to you * Nobody likes him for you * He is sullen and childish (giving someone the silent treatment instead of talking things out is immature, manipulative and hostile) Honey, you need to start using your head and not just rely on that mess of love chemicals swarming through your body. This isn't mature love. This is neediness, obsession and/or co-dependancy. You can spend your life loving someone who doesn't love you back (and I'm sorry, just based on your short description, this man is all about control and neediness, not mutual respect and caring). You will end up wasted, drained and prematurely aged. I am glad you plan to wait, at the very least. I'd suggest you two either get into counseling....or maybe just get yourself into counseling and find out why you feel his behavior is acceptable. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted December 19, 2005 Share Posted December 19, 2005 Hell NO! He is damn near close to thirty years old he should be mature enough to know that you have not even tasted life yet. Red Flags are all over this one! a4a 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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