Flip Flop

[Dumbass]

Hey-

 

I worked with a girl a year ago, and we had great synergy, but then she moved about 2000 miles away about a month later...Ah well...We spoke over messenger a lot, and it was cool, but I never thought there'd be anything between us, even though I would have liked to...

 

She came back here to visit for a month, and called me right when she got back...I went over to her place, kissed her within a hour of arriving, and suddenly, we were wrapped up in this really beautiful thing...We bonded on MANY deep levels....Really foundational stuff about humanity, honesty, spirituality, you name it...She kept telling me that she was the happiest she'd been in 3 years (she was jilted at the altar by a total loser idiot, and it hit her *really* hard...She still is messed up because of it)...She also has been the victim of sx abuse for a long period of time when she was a kid...I also have been the victim of mental/violent abuse, and it seemed that we were both the types of people who came out of something like that having learned never to be like that, and to be better people (some dont- some become their abusers)....

 

She was ecstatic, and so was I...I was planning to move to where she lived, and it seemed so great...We spent every waking moment with each other and it was paradise...Laughing, smiling, kissing....She kept telling me I was the first sexy boyfriend she's ever had, she feels so perfect with me, that I was reviving parts of her she thought were dead....She even told me she loved me...

 

Same with me.

 

OK we had some kinda weird little things, I think cos she's immature (she is definately immature, and she's 24 and I'm 33)...Stuff like, and maybe this was a warning sign: About 5 days into our being together, we went to visit a guy we worked with a year before...A 20 year old self-professed man-slut, who has a thing for my girl....Well, not that it was such a big deal, but when we arrived, she started wrestling around with this guy like they were a couple of kittens...tickling, play-fighting, he even lifted her up at one point and said "you're my girl!"....It wouldnt have been so weird, but it went on for about 3 hours....Circle of people, and the two of them are just staring into each others' eyes, grinning, and then my girl would take a step forward towards him, thus, closing off the circle, if you know what I mean....

She didn't pay any attention to me at all for all this time, and I was starting to feel a bit bad....

 

She asked me what was wrong, and I told her very gently that it was her right to do whatever she wanted, but that I felt a bit uncomfortable watching them...And that just simply coming to me once in awhile would at least give some balance, ya know? Well, she got annoyed....wouldnt gimmie a hug or anything...Her reaction made me feel really embarrassed...She kinda looked down and was like "oh I cant deal with jealous guys"...But I think this was kinda extreme, no? I mean, even at one point, I tried to jump in and pretend to smash her foot, as they were doing to each other, and it was like the needle scratching across the record, a steely "WTF" stare, and silence...I felt WEIRD....Her reaction wasnt too loving either...According to her, it was totally ok because they were just friends, like brother and sister...Maybe for her, but this guy was staring at her ass, the whole thing....It was obvious...

 

Anyway, it resolved itself, and then like 3 weeks later, 2 days before she'd go back to her home, she told me that she was gonna go to this guy's house all day, and then prolly spend the night because she didnt wanna catch the last train.....He doesnt have furniture, they were gonna be partying, and I just thought that they would most likely be crashing in his bed (well, brother/sister, right? its safe! LOL)....I told her I felt a little uncomfortable with the situation, given how this guy totally wants her....

 

She got super pissed off, defensive, and I just tried to tell her that it was only a fear, and if she cared, she wouldn't invalidate my concern, and that I wasn't accusing her, but rather letting her know that I was just nervous about the situation...

 

Anyway, after that, I found that the super beautiful entry/poem she had written in her blog about me was erased, and suddenly she was like " I need to be alone, im a mess and i need to get my life in order", and basically she just dumped me....When we talk, she has no emotion for me in her voice at all...Actually, she's quite cold and borderline annoyed all the time, and if I bring up "it", she gets super defensive and pissed off....Like I should understand that she needs to get things done etc....I no longer seem to have a place in her life at all....

 

Now, its important to remember that we really really bonded and had something super special, and that it may sound silly, my fears, but I have had a really messed up past with getting royally screwed by ex girlfriends...Just to give an example, last major GF decided she also "didnt know what she wanted", so she made up a story about aborting our baby, and then made me feel really terrible for 4 months after that....Mind games, no explaination, etc....Actually, very very similar to what the girl I'm talking about now is doing....Demoted me down to buck private, but still calls....

 

Anyway, as it is, she's back in her state, and I'm here, and it just seems that if she calls, she calls me at 5am, and im the last on her list....I was even told after a 2 day absence after a "I'm cooking, so I'll call you in like 45 mins", that she had been busy making xmas cookies with some new friends she made like 2 days before....

 

I dunno...I try to give her space, but its hard. She seems to not care at all about the fact that although the love disappeared for her, it hasnt for me, but it seems that she just doesnt care...Or doesnt show it, anyway....Its just hard to give space when there seems to be a real indication that there's very little between us now, and no real communication from her that I'm someone she'd be sad to lose or want to hang on to somehow...

 

But then, she'll go and say that she does care and that she just needs me to be a friend, and that she doesnt know how long it will take for her to get her act together (she has no job, no money, etc...)....Maybe months, maybe years...and she doesnt know if there's a place for me in her future...

 

Kinda weird to go from being SO happy, and telling me so all the time, and us having such a great thing, to this....Where she doesnt even wanna talk to me..

 

Whaddaya think?

 

Thanks so much for any input....

 

P.S. It's worth mentioning that she thinks she's a clairvoyant, and can see ghosts. Also ignores you when you say something, or when you answer a personal question she asks, sometimes denies affection (sitting on opposite facing kitchen chairs and will not go sit on the sofa, although we've already been intimate), and stuff like that... "dissociative" behavior is how I've heard it referred to...

 

Dont get me wrong, i love this chick, and there are tons of good points I havent dwelled too much on, but the point was to point out these warning signs and see what y'all think....

[LoveApple]

I'm sorry to say this but it sounds like she might have been looking for intimacy to fill the gap left by her being 'jilted'.. and possibly acceptance by another male after having just been dumped by one. It was wrong of her to lead you on if she hadn't got herself sorted out first. But did you ever talk about the relationship or come to an agreement?

 

ETA: I particularly thought this: she doesnt know if there's a place for me in her future... was terribly insensitive of her to say, considering how clear you made your affection for her (jealousy concerns, etc). Although it's hard, it might be worth taking a step back and letting her sort herself out. If you back off a little and don't appear clingy, I think there'd be a greater chance of something happening between you two once she does get on her feet.

[Craig]

Ok I understand that she says she can see dead people, claims to be clairvoyant and has no respect for you but what is your question?

[ReluctantRomeo]

Dont get me wrong, i love this chick, and there are tons of good points I havent dwelled too much on, but the point was to point out these warning signs and see what y'all think....

 

Hey there DA.

 

I have to say the whole thing sounds pretty messed up. The stuff with the other guy is a huge red flag. The worst thing though is the general selfishness and willfullness - it really does seem to be all about her and how she feels at a given point, not about you and your needs.

 

My recommendation would be to cut the contact. Let her go. Otherwise she will continue to hurt you.

 

Go to a therapist and find out why you keep going for girls like this. You are tolerating a situation which most self-respecting guys would not.

[slubberdegullion]

She's a typical passive-aggressive drama queen. She turned the situation with that other jerk around to make it somehow your fault that you were upset; she takes absolutely no ownership of her behaviour. She played the victim, even though you were the one victimized.

 

Sorry to say, but her immaturity and her erratic behaviour don't sound like good relationship material to me. If it were me, I'd drop her like a rotten potato at a maggot festival.

[CaliGuy]

Sounds like she has similar issues to my Ex. At this point I would write her off and go no contact. Forget about her because it's doubtful she can commit any time soon given her past experience.

 

If your goal is to extend your pain as long as possible then keep talking to her, waiting for her call (as someone else put it "waiting for scraps of her attention"), waiting for anything from her.

 

Odd as it sounds, when you gave her attention, that was what she craved, but when you showed signs of jealousy, that drove her towards the other end of the spectum. If she is commitment phobic right now then that was probably why.

 

My question to you is given her behavior, why wouldn't you run away right now and save your feelings for someone more deserving? Why waste your affection on someone who, at least right now, doesn't appreciate it?

[Dumbass]

Heh...You make some good points that seem to jibe with the others I'm getting....And as for therapy, yeah, man...I'm already there....Just cos I'm crazy insane, it doesn't detract from my utter coolness

 

I tend to feel the same way, that she's kinda being selfish, like to take a drive with me, get the car up to 80, and then decide that she'd rather walk, so she bails out, and I slam dead into a tree on the momentum of it all...

 

The thing with the guy, I do chalk up to immaturity and naievete, but it doesn't help things any when I think I understandably get a little nervous when it comes to that guy, and how my girl seems to get quite annoyed at me, as if I'm being some kind of "jealous control freak" guy...Hell, I don't even mind if my girl dances with another guy, but to wrestle around like that, compounded with a 3 hour no-contact stretch between her and I...I dunno....and so it winds up as black marks against me unless I swallow it...But that's not the kind of relationship I want, and we had already had a conversation about that subject, and she agreed that communication and understanding is key...Actions...louder....words?

 

I definately do seem to attract abusive women, though...All I am is a sensitive, patient, loving, exciting person looking to be true to someone and build something with someone (2 floors, 100 floors...i just mean to say that I'm not just out to play..If I find the right one, she's my queen)

 

OK rant break....You wimmins oughta smack one of your own, cos these chicks are just turning us nice guys into Darth Vaders.....I mean, rejection is one thing, but to lead someone on with I love yous and all that crap, and then suddenly demote your guy to level -1 without much explanation is just selfish and insensitive, and it MASSIVELY messes with us....

 

rant break over...

 

Craig asked what's my question....My question is what do you all think of these warning signs I mentioned? Am I just chasing a bad one? Did I get duped? Is she just all scared and spooked cos of her past, and if so, what gives with the practically erasing all evidence of me, in the heart and literal?

 

Damn...depression sure makes one ramble...Sorry y'all....

 

Thanks,

Dumbass

[Dumbass]

Well, regarding showing signs of jealousy, like, would you classify what I described to you as the kind of "jealousy" that makes people "jealous people", or could you see it as that I am the kind of guy who's usually pretty mellow when it comes to that, but in this case, it was a bit extreme...I mean, when she would walk by him, his eyes would follow her ass, and this is the guy who she's gonna be spending the night with.... Is that being a "jealous guy", or a legitimate concern?

[omegaRED]

Dude, i`d hit her (and him) with a baseball bat if she was my gf and tried to pull that s*** off. Seriously.

[CaliGuy]

The thing with the guy, I do chalk up to immaturity and naievete, but it doesn't help things any when I think I understandably get a little nervous when it comes to that guy, and how my girl seems to get quite annoyed at me, as if I'm being some kind of "jealous control freak" guy...Hell, I don't even mind if my girl dances with another guy, but to wrestle around like that, compounded with a 3 hour no-contact stretch between her and I...I dunno....and so it winds up as black marks against me unless I swallow it...But that's not the kind of relationship I want, and we had already had a conversation about that subject, and she agreed that communication and understanding is key...Actions...louder....words?

 

Here's the thing, do you really want to be with a woman that would be so inconsiderate? I mean, if you say nothing, you're a wuss. If do say something, you're a jealous jerk.

 

See the trend here? You aren't going to win no matter what.

 

If it were me, I would have done the same thing. I wouldn't have said he makes me feel uncomfortable. I just would have said something along the lines of "I really think it's immature to wrestle around with some other guy when I'm standing right there. I don't really want to be with someone who's that blatently inconsiderate."

 

I mean, you're not going to win whatever you do, so why not walk away with your dignity in tact? Her behavior would be unacceptable to me and I'd make it known I wouldn't put up with it. That if she wants to wrestle around with other guys and hang out drinking with them and stay the night that you're just "not down with that."

 

Yes, you risk the chance of losing her. You do either way. But at least in this regards you let her know up front that if you're a couple (and I don't know that you really are, are you?), then you won't tolerate this sort of behavior. If you aren't a couple then you shouldn't let it bother you at all.

 

I definately do seem to attract abusive women, though...All I am is a sensitive, patient, loving, exciting person looking to be true to someone and build something with someone (2 floors, 100 floors...i just mean to say that I'm not just out to play..If I find the right one, she's my queen)

 

Sounds like to me you have some self-confidence issues. Confident, happy, self-assured men do not attract "insecure, unhappy, manic-depressive" women. It's good to be sensitive, patient, loving, etc but if you're coming off as a doormat then that could be the problem. Women are turned off completely by that. They can smell it a mile away and it's not sexy.

 

If you feel you deserve to be with a wonderful woman, then first examine yourself. Do you like who you are? I mean really, do you like yourself? You have to like yourself and be confident in who you are first and foremost. When you respect yourself, when you understand you are worthy of being with a good woman, then you'll start attracting them. Sounds over-simplified, but really that's it in a nutshell.

 

OK rant break....You wimmins oughta smack one of your own, cos these chicks are just turning us nice guys into Darth Vaders.....I mean, rejection is one thing, but to lead someone on with I love yous and all that crap, and then suddenly demote your guy to level -1 without much explanation is just selfish and insensitive, and it MASSIVELY messes with us....

 

Perhaps, but I tend to think that we turn into darth vader because we let them get to us. WE let them treat us this way and we lay down and let them run over us because we become insecure and spineless. I'm not saying turn into a jerk, just don't put up with bad behavior and tell yourself "she'll change." She won't. At least not until she grows up and that could take a long time. Are you willing to wait forever? Not me.

 

Craig asked what's my question....My question is what do you all think of these warning signs I mentioned? Am I just chasing a bad one? Did I get duped? Is she just all scared and spooked cos of her past, and if so, what gives with the practically erasing all evidence of me, in the heart and literal?

 

Yes, I believe you are chasing a bad apple. If you think you deserve better, and you do, then start respecting yourself and let her go. Clean yourself up and start telling you deserve better. You have to be confident (that comes internally, not just acting like you are but truly believing in yourself) in who you are and you will start attracting the right kinds of women.

 

Damn...depression sure makes one ramble...Sorry y'all....

 

You're letting her do this to you. You have the option of not letting it get to you, of not caring and of telling yourself you deserve better. Until you truly believe that you'll continue to be depressed.

 

I know I deserve better than my ex and I am upset not with her but with myself for allowing it to happen. By booting her from my place I made a stand that I wasn't going to take being disrespected. Sure, it won't fix that relationship but it sets a precident for the next one: "I deserve someone who compliments my life and who loves and cares about me as much as I do them. I will not settle for less ever again. I will not be disrespected or taken advantage of again. And I will not ignore the warning signs next time."

[CaliGuy]

Well, regarding showing signs of jealousy, like, would you classify what I described to you as the kind of "jealousy" that makes people "jealous people", or could you see it as that I am the kind of guy who's usually pretty mellow when it comes to that, but in this case, it was a bit extreme...I mean, when she would walk by him, his eyes would follow her ass, and this is the guy who she's gonna be spending the night with.... Is that being a "jealous guy", or a legitimate concern?

 

You know what's going on. You're not stupid. She isn't either. She wanted to have her cake and eat it to.

 

Why tolerate that behavior. If you say nothing, she'll assume it's ok with you if she drinks, parties, wrestles or stays the night with other men. If you're not ok with that, it's perfectly within your right to say so.

 

Just understand that you risk losing her. However, have you really lost anything at all? Her beahvior is indeed immature and not indicative of someone I would think would be prime for a steady relationship or marriage.

 

She wants to hang with other men, let her do it. Just let her know that you won't be dating anymore if that's the case, then walk away and MEAN IT. Break off contact with her.

 

Do you have boundaries at all? If so, you don't let her cross them without repercussions. If it makes her angry then so be it. But if you do nothing, then she loses respect for you because she knows she can cross your boundaries any time and you'll let her.

 

Do you understand what I am getting at? Yeah, it sucks that it had to end this way but really, what have you lost?! A manic-depressive woman who obviously has issues that are much deeper than you know.

 

Pick yourself up.

Dust yourself off.

Walk away with your head held high.

 

You drew a line in the sand and she doesn't respect that. No groveling, no begging, no clinging on to her. Don't sit up and beg for scraps of her attention. That's a complete lack of self-respect. And any of the previous actions described will only serve to drive her further away.

 

Also, she lives what? 2000 miles away?! LDR's are some of the hardest relationships to make work.

[Dumbass]

CaliGuy- You are AWESOME, man! Thanks SO much for that awesome comment..I totally got everything you said, and am gonna be referencing back to your post anytime I start to feel bad about this...You make tons of sense...

[Dumbass]

Jeebus H Christ, CaliGuy...Re: your last comment. I'm moving to San Diego in about a month and if you live anywhere near there, I'd like to buy you a few rounds Thanks again. Damn, man, your words are sinkin in with a vengeance

[Dumbass]

Yeah, the jealousy thing weighs heavy on my head cos it does seem that that final thing about her staying the night with that dude was the deal breaker, but I wish I could talk to her about how it wasnt an attack on her or an attempt to control her, but rather just to voice my fear of a)him taking her away from me, and b)him possibly taking advantage of a situation.... She knows I had a friend once who woke up with her "best friend who would never try anything with me" on top of her, screwing her.

 

Another thing to mention is that up until the time when we had sex (about 10 days after the AIDS test she insisted we both take...and we're upper-middle suburbanites!), she would talk a lot about the great road head she gave to this guy or the great thing she does with her hips and how she did that guy on a Bowflex machine etc..lots of sex stuff about her past adventures....I didn't appreciate that too much....Especially while we were not being intimate yet, not that I liked it much after we got intimate...

 

It almost seems that she would kinda try to stir up jealousy by presenting me with stuff that would tend to push those buttons...

 

Just a thought...I am more in line with CaliGuy's advice though.... Seems that she's immature, got tons of issues, and I do deserve better than fighting for every crumb, and walking on eggshells...

[CaliGuy]

You're welcome.

 

Understand I went through a similar situation and I didn't learn the first time. It took allowing her to run over me twice before I said "This is complete BS, I deserve to be treated better."

 

There's no fun in heartbreak. Men who can walk away and act like it doesn't bother them differ from men who dwell in a cespool of sorrow in one simple area:

 

"Self Confidence/Self Respect"

 

They know they deserve to be treated better. They respect themselves enough to say "I will not be treated this way and there are plenty of women out there for me."

 

Example: When I told my Ex that I didn't want her bringing guys to my place, she said "What do you want me to do, walk to the street corner to meet them?"

 

My answer? "How much is my respect worth to you?"

 

Her only reply was to nod affirmatively to me.

 

What I gained that day was invaluable. A new sense of confidence and self-respect that, while I am sad that it didn't work out, I know it sets me up better for the next woman that comes along.

 

And there will be others, my friend. You just have to understand that and don't worry. Work on your confidence and respect.

 

FWIW, I recommend reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy." She gave you a test and failed it. The book talks about how women cross boundaries to test you and laying down is absolutely the worst reaction you can have.

 

You don't have to be a jerk about it, just let them know that you won't tolerate certain bad behavior, and you must follow through with the repercussions. It's painful, it sucks, but you MUST say it, mean it and do it.

 

We can't Private Message here but if you want anymore advice, feel free to ask.

[omegaRED]

You do not need such a person in you life. That girl is not the one for a serious relationship, at least not now. She has a TON of issues, and it`s really not your job to deal with them. You`ll find someone worthy of your attention and company. She`s definitely not the one you need.

[CaliGuy]

Just a thought...I am more in line with CaliGuy's advice though.... Seems that she's immature, got tons of issues, and I do deserve better than fighting for every crumb, and walking on eggshells...

 

Now you're getting somewhere. Make YOUR needs important. You deserve to be happy. Don't be a self-centered jerk, just don't fall over yourself trying to make someone else happy. It's just not healthy.

 

When you make yourself happy, you build up confidence. When you build up confidence your self-respect increases too.

 

When you place your sense of self-worth on the approval of others, your confidence, self-respect and happines all decline.

 

See the trend here?

[Dumbass]

Hey Love Apple- to answer your question (first post! sorry it took me so long to get back to ya!) we only had "talked" about the relationship in the sense that we exchanged ILY's quite sincerely (so it seemed...mine to her sure was, and hers to me was accompanied by a rose)....We talked about that I would come to AZ, we referred indirectly to the other as boyfriend and girlfriend (in conversations or introductions etc), and aside from the kinda "wow! we're soulmates!" kinda silly kissy mutual revelations, never said literally "ok we are in a relationship"...

 

The way it ended was that we had this little thing about her guy friend, it never fully resolved because it happened tues. nite, and she left for AZ on thurs morning....So she didnt stay the night after all, so she said, she came back to her home and chilled with her real brother....next day was her mother's birthday so she was busy all day, and wanted to see me at night....she sent me a msg saying she felt ill at dinner, and was in bed, but wanted to see me, if for a little while...

 

OK so I go over, she's in bed in the dark...Doesnt lift her head up for the whole 20 minutes i was there, didn't really talk to me, didn't go to hug me at all or even kinda outstretch an arm....BUT the weird thing was is that i could see that her eyes were WIDE open and kinda darting round in the dark (it wasn't pitch black)....My eyes always sink into my head when i'm ill...

 

Anyway, next morning, she was fit as a fiddle...called me, be bop a lula, she's packin, and goofin and whatever....

 

Then she left, and it's been at this "i gotta get myself together, i got my own **** to deal with" attitude from her since then...I never really got to see her to turn the page on that thing, and so, although she says it isn't that, I can't help but wonder if it was...

 

The plot thickens (use flour to make a rue)

[CaliGuy]

I keep saying this and wondering when reality will sink in.

 

"Why settle for crumbs of someone's attention?"

 

Don't we deserve better? I know I sure do.

[Dumbass]

Well, Cali Guy I guess what it is that I had been striving to somehow identify and perhaps remedy whatever it was that made her go from gaga for me to nada for me....They're crumbs now, but when it flowed, I guess that's what yanks my strings a bit...Just 1 day before the bomb dropped, the weather was beautiful in paradise...

 

Smack upside the head well-taken, though...I *really* feel that I must buy you a lot of beer soon

[CaliGuy]

Well, Cali Guy I guess what it is that I had been striving to somehow identify and perhaps remedy whatever it was that made her go from gaga for me to nada for me....They're crumbs now, but when it flowed, I guess that's what yanks my strings a bit...Just 1 day before the bomb dropped, the weather was beautiful in paradise...

 

Funny, my ex used those same words. "I love you, I'm just not gah gah in love with you."

 

Smack upside the head well-taken, though...I *really* feel that I must buy you a lot of beer soon

 

No repayment necessary. Understand, people do fall out of love for various reasons. Sometimes they just don't know what they want but they know at least right now it's not you. They try someone else and find they are different, not necessarily better.

 

All you can do is focus on healing yourself, self-improvement and implementing no contact. If you grasp at her or otherwise hang on for dear life, you will only serve to push her further away.

 

We have that feeling of helplessness that we can not control the situation. We must accept that it's out of our control. Once we do and we stick to NC, the healing process starts.

 

You'll probably always love her. I know I will always love my ex. That doesn't mean I won't find someone else that I love even more. In fact, I know I will.

[Dumbass]

Hey all....I've actually been doing a pretty good job of accepting what the deal seems to be...I feel a lot better, and since Saturday, have been channeling my energy into getting fit again - working out etc....

 

I haven't done NC, but I havent called her or sent any text messages.....I just let her call me, and half the time I dont answer cos she calls at 5am and Im asleep anyway...

 

Last night she called, left a sad message cos she's having to leave her new place she just moved into cos her roommates are kinda psycho....

 

I felt bad, so I did call her back, and she vented and vented about them, and I listened...I didn't get all mushy, I just listened and talked to her like a psychologist would or whatever....No reference to any of my feelings, or about "us"....Matter of fact, I did paint a happy picture of what was going on with me...Fitness, move to San Diego, buying some new camping gear, etc..

 

Only thing is, I did say "hey if you're freaking and need a friend, gimmie a call".... I wonder if that wasn't a "bad move" that would push her away or make her feel like I'm worth less....

 

Did I make a big big mistake?

 

Just wondering.....Yeah, I'm moving on, and all that stuff, but I'm also trying to work out my own methods and whether doing even that would be a bad move in a situation like that...

 

Yeah, CaliGuy, I do still have a slight amount of hope....But maybe that's just my pride talkin.....Nobody likes to fail...

 

Thanks

[riobikini]

DU-U-U-DE!!!!

 

I just read ALL your posts, just as I promised, and I'm sitting here (on my ass!) in shock and disbelief!

 

This is the second post that has wired me up so bad that I wanted to just call you up and YELL at you!

 

(Smile)

 

I'm cool.

 

Here's what I think:

 

Man, in a nutshell (pardon the pun, I don't mean to insult your GF) -but, you HAVE to let that go back under the creepy rock it crawled out from.

 

She may have your heart by it's balls (yeah, I think it's physically POSSIBLE), -but you are way too sucked in by this girl.

 

She's simply a fruitcake.

 

Yeah, she probably has a few good things going for her to attract the guys, but she's far from having any grown-up goals, mature ideals, and she definitely doesn't know how to value a real, honest-to-God love relationship, -or any relationship, for that matter.

 

Not saying she isn't capable of straightening out her mind, heart, and life so that she can someday function in a way normal ppl can understand and communicate with -but right now, it doesn't look like she's interested in straightening up.

 

Get that poison out of your life!

 

Hell, give your computer and your phone to somebody and poke out both your eyes so you can't read a map to get to where she's at.

 

Just get her out of your life!

 

Now that I've taken all this to the comical maximum extremes, (Smile), -I want to say you have all my sympathy.

 

You've been a Sweetheart to this girl.

 

You're a decent guy.

 

You just throw yourself out there with your big ol' heart and some flake is smart enough to latch on for awhile and suck up whatever they can get out of you.

 

It happens.

 

Please take time to read advice given from a post by NoFoolin' in this forum.

 

Search for it.

 

Print it out and read it everyday, (provided you really didn't take my advice and poke your eyes out).

 

Every time you think of this girl, pull out that print-out and go down the list and try some of his suggestions.

 

It's a pro-active, down-and-dirty, life-changing, kick-ass survival guide that came from a guy who'd obviously had enough.

 

It's 'recommended reading'.

 

Do it.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[Dumbass]

THANK YOU so much for your input, Rio!

 

Things have totally gone pear-shaped now...We had some hard time after she dumped me, because of how it was left...a brief summary:

 

We had had this argument about her sleeping over at her wrestle-pal's house...The only reason it turned into an argument was cos she would not give gram one of compassion toward how I felt (ok granted, when she called from the restaurant where Surfer Dude had taken her to dinner, i was in a slight panic...it's not too fun to have your sexy IM's ignored and then have this happen)...

 

We kinda reconciled the argument later, leaving it with "I love you"'s....Then a bit later, I learned that she had erased every mention of me from her blog...That stung! She told me it was just to make spelling corrections (it wasnt the last entry, and the ones before and after had loads of spelling errors, but they werent taken down, so...)...

 

She was only in town for 2 days after the argument, and the only chance we had to see each other before she left was on her last night, when she developed some mystery illness that only lasted that evening...I saw her, she asked me to come over, but she was in bed with the lights out (and eyes DARTING round), and wouldnt really talk to me, or even lift her head up from the pillow...

 

So then she left....She made some allusions to that she still felt something for me ("I have eyes for you", and that she wore my shirt on the plane) but they were crumbs, and slightly ambiguous ones at that...

 

So the way the argument was resolved was kinda thin, and the proximity to the following events of her dumping me without any kinda hope for the future (she's encouraging me to "fly...follow your heart"), and the fact that she never seemed to get my text messages or phone calls (Oh, i left the phone in the car...oh, i didnt get that text message) and that when she called, it was kinda small talk all about her and that she would not help me to understand if i was perma-dumped, or if she still loved me and wanted me to just give her time, so that she could square herself away, and then she'd be back...

 

OK I'm rambling...But lets just say that it was all left on rather shaky ground, much the way that her ignoring my attempts to be "cutesy and sexy" with her over messenger kinda left me feeling a bit more stressed about her visit to Surfer Dude's house than I would have if we had been a little more "close" with each other before she left....Do you guys understand what I'm getting at?

 

So it was quite shaky, and I was really nervous about it...So, I was at the bottom of her priorities list, mayyyybe getting a 20 minute phone call at 5am, to talk about her day and her problems...

 

I mean, she didn't even respond to my very breezy and funny xmas greeting...That STUNG...I read about all you other folks who have messy breakups, but they still either send or respond to your xmas greeting..

 

I pushed her to talk about it with me, and she got angrier and angrier, resisting...Finally, the other day, she freaked on me, ending the IM conversation abruptly with "ENOUGH!"....

 

I called her phone, and just, well, let fly on her....I didn't smear nasty insults at her, but I did firmly say that she was a coward, and that although she talks to no end about what an empathic, compassionate person she is, that at no time did she ever show me any care towards my feelings, unless she was playing 20 questions about "what i like sexually" (heh, and the one time I asked her to do something, she got SUPER pissed cos she thought I was saying that what she was doing wasnt enough)

 

She then went on IM again (gee, she sure got THAT voicemail, eh?) and totally reamed me out, taking the things i'd told her in confidence about my past of basically getting royally brainf*cked by some exes, and the fact that I work for a violent psychopath, and used it as a weapon against me, and made me out to be this whiny guy who smeared my past all over her friendship...

 

That was totally blown out of proportion...This chick is the one who is drawing crying eyes and psycho-scribble, sitting me down to show me newspaper clippings of her sex abuse dude on trial, telling me all about how her ex screwed her over before the wedding, about her issues with her dad.... The times when I told her about my past, it wasn't to whine, but rather to A)let her know that I also have been screwed round and hurt, and B)it was in response to her questioning me about being screwed over and hurt.

 

I dunno, well, anyway, that last convo was AWFUL...I stood my ground and just told her I thought her stuff with Surfer Dude was immature, that I was hurt by her not giving my feelings about it any validity, and that I wasn't whining about my past any more than she was, and when I was looking at her laying her problems out, I sure would never ever use them as a weapon against her...Knowing about her pain just made me wanna hug her, and be excited about our future, knowing VERY well that I would only cherish her and treat her wonderfully..And that eventually, her fears about me would subside...

 

Well, so it didnt happen that way...She told me never to contact her or her family again, and clicked off....

 

Weird bit is that I would have TOTALLY thought she would have blocked me from her messenger buddy list....But the next day, she came online....She hasnt blocked me! What the hell does THAT mean?

[slubberdegullion]

But the next day, she came online....She hasnt blocked me! What the hell does THAT mean?

Doesn't mean anything. Even if it does, WHO THE F*CK CARES??

 

From where I sit, it looks like you'll be better off without her. So honour the loss and the grief, but be sure to move forward positively, with her and her family out of your life.