Should I break it off?

[Furgess]

I have been dating my fiancee for 3 years and been engaged for 6 months. WE have been in a long distance relationship for the last 1.5 years and have another 1.5 years to go.

 

I always felt strongly that I loved her, but since moving away - the feelings have been going downhill. I feel as though I care greatly for her but I don't love her. Part of the problem is that we are only able to see each other 3-4 times a year and even then it is quite sporadic.

 

She is a great person - very intelligent, babied me when we were still in the same city and calls me often. I feel like a complete jerk for feeling this way about her.

 

Here are the reasons why I am starting to have doubts?

I don't know if the next 1.5 years will bring further decline to our relationship (very likely it will from what has happened the last year - she could move to my city but she doesnt like it)

I want to have children and she doesnt (she has agreed to having them but sounds very annoyed about the idea).

Is it unfair to keep the engagement going with someone I care so much about if I am having doubts?

 

Any ideas would be helpful.

[sophia34]

You and I have exactly the same problem, Furgess. (I've been in an 8-year relationship and engaged a month...same issues. Care for him a lot, don't know if I love him, he wants kids, I'm ambivalent about the idea, he loves to live in the suburbs, I want to live in the city, etc.).

 

You will have many people on this forum tell you that you and she are too different, that if you only "care for her" but don't love her, and if you and she have different visions of the future, that you should break it off and stop wasting each other's time. They'll say that you should find someone with whom you're more compatible emotionally and situationally, and with whom you have that "bond" and "in love" feeling.

 

You will also find that advice doesn't help much, because your feelings are your feelings. They are feelings of panic (about being in the wrong relationship and making a commitment to someone you may not be in love with), tremendous guilt (about potentially breaking up with and really hurting a good person, someone you share so much with and care so much about), sadness and regret (over potentially losing someone who really does mean a lot to you), and anger that has no target or outlet (over not being able to overcome these feelings and just get on with it to share a life with a great person, over not being able just to "be in love" and have it be a relationship like so many others seem to enjoy).

 

These emotions are turbulent and definitely hard to deal with--I'm having an incredibly hard time. I can't offer you advice, really, since I can't solve my own situation. It's definitely a problem that seems almost impossible to solve. But I can tell you aren't alone in this. That's not worth much, but let's just hope we both get through this intact.

[morrigan]

she could move to my city but she doesnt like it)

I want to have children and she doesnt (she has agreed to having them but sounds very annoyed about the idea).

 

When someone stays in a relationship or has children to appease someone else's feelings, there is going to be resentment that builds.

 

It's always hard to separate the concerns you have from your feelings for this person. The problem is, the relationship with her that you want--where she would truly want to be a mother and she would have no issue moving--is not going to happen.

 

It might be the best thing to have an honest (and yes, painful) conversation with her about how you feel. It's not going to be easy, but bottling up your worries isn't going to work long term.

[LifeRealistic]

I am going to tell you something a teacher once told me - if you have to ask it - it probably is.

 

Sounds like you want others to covience you of your own thoughts, you already have.

 

You can not make yourself love someone one no matter how hard you try. We can not control who we love, and anyone that says other wise , has never known true love.

 

Just try to live your life with as little regred as possible. Remember this is a marriage, not a wedding. That is usually more of an issue of reminder for Woman , than men, cause of the whole princess thing- but thought I would mention it anyway.

 

It you do end it, end it soon ; before plans go forward. If you can not run off a list of reasons you love this woman off the top of your head - you know what should be done.

 

Good luck