My opinon on why second chances rarely work.

[CaliGuy]

I just wanted to voice an opinion formulated based on my experience, the experience of others, basic psychology and the opinions of Professionals.

 

There are many reasons why second chances don't work. Primarily it's because you, your significant other or the situation hasn't truly changed. You broke up because something was wrong with the relationship. Your S/O fell out of love with you due to the circumstances or perhaps you changed as a person. Maybe you took them for granted, cheated on them or just flat out tried too hard (clingy, insecure, etc). Maybe your life/career is going nowhere. Maybe the excitement is gone. Maybe one of you cheated (**more on that later). There are a ton of reasons and I can't possibly list them all.

 

However, the main reasons why second chances rarely work is because your S/O will almost always see you as the person you were when they fell out of love with you. You would have to SERIOUSLY change as a person for them to change their opinion of you. This doesn't happen overnight. In fact, it's rare if it happens at all.

 

If by some miracle you get a second chance, to your S/O it might initially look like you (or they) have changed but usually within six months old habits and personalities return. Six months is an estimate. Some sooner, some later. We are who we are and it's extremely difficult to change our inner selves.

 

In desperation for a second chance, we do everything we can to cling on to our Ex. We're so obsessed with getting information about them that we neglect our own need to heal and improve in the process. We need to heal ourselves first (no contact is THE healing tool and should not be broken by you) and get over them before we decide if we want to give it another try. Many have posted that after they got over the Ex, they didn't have the same desire to get back with them again for various reasons. Mostly it's because they realize it just wasn't the right fit. That's the key here, it probably wasn't the right fit to begin with.

 

If I had to guess, the success rate of those getting back together and it working out is about five percent. Pretty crappy odds, wouldn't you agree? Would you quit your job if you knew you had only a five percent chance to find another one? Would you have eye corrective surgery if you knew it only had a five percent chance of success? Would you gamble your savings on a stock tip if you knew it had only a five percent chance of return? Probably not. And so should your train of thought be before you attempt a reconciliation.

 

Also note, if you are the "dumpee" and you attempt a reconciliation before your S/O is ready, your success rate falls to zero. It's the "dumper" who's feelings have to change, not yours. You are not in control of how they feel about you. They must miss you, realize they made a mistake and earnestly want to work things out. Rare indeed. In the meantime, don't wait around for their feelings to change. Stick with no contact and let it heal you and free them to see the new, improved you in a different light, if ever.

 

There is a good chance if you stick to NC that your Ex will eventually contact you sometime down the road. They almost always do. That's no gurantee of a reconcilliation, but if you are the one initiating contact you're seriously jeapordizing whatever chance you have. Put them out of your mind. Stop worrying about who they are with, if they're having sex and if the new person in their life is better than you (they're not, just different). You have no control over that and it only serves to keep you down longer and delay the healing process.

 

**Now, if they cheated on you or you cheated on them, that's another story. I truly believe "once a cheater, always a cheater." Why expose yourself to misery? You can't trust them or they can't trust you. It's just extremely difficult for someone who has been cheated on to completely trust the other person. Once that trust is broken, it spills over into every aspect of your life. Are you willing to live night and day for months nay years asking them where they are going, what they are doing and who they are going with? That's no basis for a relationship. No mutual respect and trust. It can not work.

 

Bottom line: If we spent half the time healing and improving ourselves as we did trying to fix our broken relationship, we'd be a lot better off a lot sooner.

 

Focus on yourself first. It's not selfish as long as you understand you do have needs and they should be met too. Focus on the areas you need to improve upon (Self Confidence, Clingy-ness, Seeking approval from within, etc). Your Ex sees you in a bad light already and that image is almost impossible to change. However, if you work on your own areas for improvement you will be highly attractive to a new mate.

 

And think about it. Someone NEW who doesn't have a negative image of you (yet, haha), who loves you for who you are and who wants to spend time with you and be a part of your life.

 

Now isn't that a much better than someone who is cold, indifferent or just doesn't care about you anymore? You deserve to be happy and odds are you will find it down a new path.

 

Think about it.

[heartnsoul]

Very nice thread! Thank you

[J dub]

Excellent post, I agree with you. Perhaps that makes me a massive hypocrite? I dont know.

 

In any case I am throwin the dice...if it doesnt work out this second time, then at least I know I tried as hard as I possibly could and it just wasnt meant to be

 

Finally, the best part is -- during the time you had by yourself (assuming you implemented NC) if youre like me, you realized life is great with OR without them and that you'll live regardless. Just knowing that allows me to breathe a sigh of relief.

[Just Visiting]

I agree...good post!

[alphamale]

Bottom line: If we spent half the time healing and improving ourselves as we did trying to fix our broken relationship, we'd be a lot better off a lot sooner.

nice rant C.G. but unfortunately you're not taking into account the emotionality and irrationality of the human mind. When it comes to matters of the heart we generally don't think in a logical and straight-forward way.

[CaliGuy]

nice rant C.G. but unfortunately you're not taking into account the emotionality and irrationality of the human mind. When it comes to matters of the heart we generally don't think in a logical and straight-forward way.

 

True, but the point is still valid, whether someone is acting rational or not. At some point they have to realize they are beating their head up against a wall and they need to focus on themselves first and put the thought of a relationship with the Ex out of their mind - probably for good.

 

That's the only way to get healthy enough that you can have another relationship or be stronger and better able to handle a second chance, if that ever comes.

[seachange]

No!...sniffle...I won't I won't I won't listen...

 

dammit...I hate when you're right... :(

 

 

A wise friend has pointed out to me (and will probably have to do it again) that it's easier to angst over a person, something concrete that you can latch onto, than to deal with the vaster, more nebulous uncertainties going on in one's life. That may not be true for everyone suffering from heartbreak, but it definitely is for me...I miss him and want him back but I'm also just having trouble dealing with the more massive changes in my life that I've weathered over the past few years, and the lingering uncertainties they've brought. My breakup is superimposed over those, and it hurts, but it's still easier to focus on that than on this other stuff.

 

Just an additional thought - not to take away from CaliGuy's excellent post. I think that this illustrates his point - somehow, you have to be willing to focus on yourself. It's ironic - that's the part you can control, and I think it's rather frightening, because it involves taking ultimate responsibility for your own happiness. That's really kind of terrifying, when you feel the outcome is so uncertain.

[CaliGuy]

No!...sniffle...I won't I won't I won't listen...

 

dammit...I hate when you're right... :(

 

 

A wise friend has pointed out to me (and will probably have to do it again) that it's easier to angst over a person, something concrete that you can latch onto, than to deal with the vaster, more nebulous uncertainties going on in one's life. That may not be true for everyone suffering from heartbreak, but it definitely is for me...I miss him and want him back but I'm also just having trouble dealing with the more massive changes in my life that I've weathered over the past few years, and the lingering uncertainties they've brought. My breakup is superimposed over those, and it hurts, but it's still easier to focus on that than on this other stuff.

 

Just an additional thought - not to take away from CaliGuy's excellent post. I think that this illustrates his point - somehow, you have to be willing to focus on yourself. It's ironic - that's the part you can control, and I think it's rather frightening, because it involves taking ultimate responsibility for your own happiness. That's really kind of terrifying, when you feel the outcome is so uncertain.

 

My mom died last month and now my 18 month relationship with a woman I thought was going to be my wife is over too.

 

However, when I think about how bad my life has been lately, all it takes is for me to see someone with cancer, a child who can't walk or an elderly person with alzheimers.

 

That puts some perspective on my life. Yeah, it sucks right now but a lot of people have it much worse than I do.

[alphamale]

My mom died last month and now my 18 month relationship with a woman I thought was going to be my wife is over too.

I'm sorry to hear that C.G.... But things will get better, they always do

[seachange]

Yes, cali - I'm sorry too.

[CaliGuy]

Thank you. It's been a tough year that's for sure.

[sunaddict1]

Thank you. It's been a tough year that's for sure.

 

 

 

I am sooo sorry to hear about your mom cali! My heart goes out to you! I hope you are doing ok and taking care of yourself.

 

GREAT POST! I needed to hear those words that were written....I think sometimes we need to be reminded of those words. Love makes us do STUPID selfless things....but when you read things like that...it reminds us of what we "should be" doing! So i totally agree with you! I just hope there is another chance iwth my ex....i know i can change....but can he and does he think he needs to.