yikes12345 Posted December 14, 2005 Share Posted December 14, 2005 I'm a jealous girlfriend. I get jealous of his female friends but most of the time I can keep it under control and most of the time he's very understanding. I also have a huge problem with the fact that he looks at porn. He knows I hate it, he knows why I hate it, and he still insists on doing it. It makes me feel horrible about myself - I never used to wear makeup and now I always do because I feel like I need to look more like "those girls" - the ones he's so attracted to. But I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that he's not going to give it up. It hurts a lot, but I'm working on it. The thing is, he's told me several times that he's stopped and that I'm the only one who gets him off anymore. A simple check of his internet history shows that this isn't true. So why does he lie to me about it? Is he trying to make me feel better? Because it doesn't work and it's not helping at all. He once told me that him looking at porn had nothing to do with me - the only thing it had to do with me, he said, was that I'm just not there when he gets horny and needs to get off. Well, a simple check of his internet history (again) also shows that he usually starts looking at porn within 15 minutes after I leave his apartment. What, he just suddenly gets horny as soon as I leave? Even if I was throwing myself at him the whole time I was there, he always turns me down, and then jerks off as soon as I leave. That upsets me a lot too. We have a slightly odd relationship physically. He loves to kiss me on the lips, the cheeks, my neck, my hands...but we never French kiss. We did for the first few months and then he just stopped. We also rarely have sex anymore. He's just never "in the mood" (altho he's always in the mood to jerk off it seems). It all bothers me a lot. I love to make out and sex is definitely a plus. He's my first boyfriend - I waited 19 years for all this - and he's completely witholding it from me. I asked him about all of it. He told me that he's the kind of guy who likes those little kisses, making out is kind of a gray area, and that he doesn't like sex at all. This completely blew me away. I'm young and naive, but I didn't know there were guys who didn't like sex. And I especially didn't think I'd be (un)lucky enough to date one. So, like he said, making out is a gray area - we haven't made out in probably 9 months. Then how often does he think we should have sex, never?! It's just completely crazy to me. I don't know what to think about any of this. What's going through this guy's mind? How can he possibly turn me down for sex ALL the time, but jerk off 3 times a day? I just don't get it. Does anyone have any ideas...? I'm at the end of my rope. I can't stand to have one more fight about it, but not talking about it doesn't make it any better. Help me! eRica Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted December 14, 2005 Share Posted December 14, 2005 He lies to you about the porn because he knows how you feel about it. No, its not right that he lies, nor is it right that he continues to view it knowing how you feel about it. However, I think the main issue here is you need to learn how to get some self esteem. Porn is NOT the cause of your self esteem issues, it doesn't help it I'm sure, but thats not where it all started. You had jealousy/self esteem problems before you found out he was viewing it. I'm not trying to justify him looking at it since it bothers you, and this is just speculation but do you feel he turned to porn because he was tired of you being jealous? Has he ever communicated to you that you being jealous bothers him? I say you need to sit down and have a heart to heat with him. Get to the root of whats going on. Also have you ever considered getting some outside help for your self esteem issues? Jade Link to post Share on other sites
Author yikes12345 Posted December 14, 2005 Author Share Posted December 14, 2005 I know you think I must have had pre-existing self-esteem issues and I can see how you're probably right. However, HE has been a big part of my self esteem issues. About 3 months into our relationship, he almost broke up with me because he had a crush on one of his female friends. At this point in time, I knew he looked at porn (he had a bunch of pictures saved on his computer), but it didn't bother me much at all to be honest, and I never said anything to him about it. Obviously we ended up staying together and he supposedly forgot about this other girl. Well, I ended up finding pictures of her on his computer in his porn folder. And that is when the self esteem issues started. It's one thing when he's doing it to some Paris Hilton fantasy girl, but it was completely different when I had to start thinking of him getting off to a girl he almost left me for. And ever since then, I've had issues with him looking at ALL kinds of porn. So no, I don't feel he turned to porn because he was tired of me being jealous - he looked at porn way before I ever had a jealousy issue. He didn't have many friends (female or otherwise) when we started going out. Since then he's been trying to make friends and it's been going pretty well. I always end up having a problem with his female friends though, because he's always telling me about how they're flirting with him or playing footsies with him or whatever. And then he wonders why I get upset. He just makes it sound like every girl he meet "wants" him. I don't know if this is his way of making him feel better about himself or what. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted December 14, 2005 Share Posted December 14, 2005 I highly doubt he will stop what he is doing. You would think that most people would stop doing something their s/o doesn't like, however thats not always the case. I think you either will have to accept it and learn to deal with it the best you can, if you're planning on staying in the relationship. Or you may have to move on and find someone that shares your same views on not viewing porn. However, its possible that even if you find someone thats not into porn I think the jealousy issues will still be there to a degree and will interfer with any other relationship you may have until you learn to get ahold of it better. Good luck. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
sparticuss Posted December 15, 2005 Share Posted December 15, 2005 Yikes You haven't checked the porn out properley. Paticularily porn mags. Look past the girls to whats actually written. Its these girs rabign on about how much they like sex, andthe kind of sex they like. THESE GIRLS ENJOY SEX. Allright perhaps they don't and all the stuff was written by an editor and not the girls themselvs. But the message is the same. These girls are horny babes. Not beautiful ones. Horny is the turn on, not beauty. Convince him you enjoy sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted December 15, 2005 Share Posted December 15, 2005 She already said that she threw herself at him, and he completley blew her off. Only to jump on a porn site 10 minutes after she left so he could jerk off. She said she wants it, and that he is saying he doesn't. Not the other way around. Personally, I don't think you will ever get his full commitment to you. If it were just porn, unknown women he's never met, that's one thing. But beating off to pictures of the girl he almost dumped you for is completely different. For your own sanity and well-being, I would suggest you find someone who will love you, and want to be with you. To me, it sounds as if this guy is with you until he finds someone else. It's excrutiatingly painful to be with someone who constantly tells you of other women, who doesn't desire you, but can find desire for anyone else. For your own sake, seriously consider what you are getting out of this relationship. Even if you love him, if he's going to bury your self-esteem at the bottom of the trash bin, then you need to get out. To say it a different way... there are certain things I expect and want from a relationship. One of those is to feel desired. This doesn't have to be a 24/7 thing, but on an overall basis. I want, need, to feel as though my man desires to be with me sexually. If that's not there, then I need to find someone who will. Sex for me is a big part of a relationship. And I feel that if sex, or desire for sex with me, isn't there, then it's really just a friendship at that point. So what do you want out of a relationship? There's more to relationships then just love. If you're not getting your needs met, then you need to figure out if those can be met. If not, then find someone who can. You're life is too precious to waste on someone who is not going to find the total package desirable. He may think your a good person, but if he doesn't find all of you wonderful, then find someone who does. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted December 15, 2005 Share Posted December 15, 2005 Tell him you hope him and his porn/pictures and his willie have a nice life. Time to move on. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted December 15, 2005 Share Posted December 15, 2005 Tell him you hope him and his porn/pictures and his willie have a nice life. Time to move on. Jade ROFLMAO!! Too funny Link to post Share on other sites
purtyinpink_11 Posted December 15, 2005 Share Posted December 15, 2005 Wow. Is he a virgin? How old is he? Maybe he has a sexual dysfunction and is ashamed of you finding out? Jerking off 3x's a day sounds like it's become an addiction, and it can be. Have you tried watching porn together? Maybe if you do this then he won't feel the need to have to hide it from you but then again, I think the problem lays with him. Link to post Share on other sites
purtyinpink_11 Posted December 15, 2005 Share Posted December 15, 2005 Tell him you hope him and his porn/pictures and his willie have a nice life. Time to move on. Jade cute...i totally agree;) Link to post Share on other sites
Author yikes12345 Posted December 16, 2005 Author Share Posted December 16, 2005 He's 20 years old and he's not a virgin - altho we were each other's first. But since we have sex - I know there's definitely no dysfunction there. I may have been exaggerating about the 3x a day thing...but he definitely does it at least once everyday. We've talked about watching porn together but never completely followed through. We always start watching and then get caught up making fun of someone or something and that obviously ruins the mood. Link to post Share on other sites
JeT'Aime Posted December 16, 2005 Share Posted December 16, 2005 i know exactly how you're feeling. i continuously told him i didn't like it, and it still makes me have self-esteem issues, but i'm working on it. i told him straight up, if it doesn't stop, we're over. plain and simple. well a week later, i came over to his house, and you guessed it, he was looking at it again. well i didn't break up w/ him, but i know i should've. its really given me a lot of trust issues w/ him. so anyways, what i'm getting to is: if he's not willing to comprimise to make you feel better about your relationship, he's not worth your time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yikes12345 Posted December 16, 2005 Author Share Posted December 16, 2005 Compromise? That's part of the problem - I don't think there IS a compromise in this situation. Either he's doing it or he's not. Obviously he already tried the thing where he told me he wasn't and did it anyways, he apparently hid it well for awhile, but then he got lazy, I found out...and the whole process started over again. Or am I wrong, is there a compromise here somewhere that I'm missing? Believe me, I'd love for it to be fixed somehow, I can't stand to fight about it anymore. Also, on kind of a side note? Have any of you guys (err...people) been through the porn fight (she hates it, he can't/won't stop) and actually managed to keep the relationship going somehow? How did that work? Did you have to give in and deal with his constant playing with himself? Or did he agree to stop for the good of the relationship? I've just heard so many times "if you can't deal with it and he can't promise to stop, then it's probably over." And that's heartbreaking. Just wondering if anyone has been in this position and made it through intact - looking for some hope here. Link to post Share on other sites
JeT'Aime Posted December 16, 2005 Share Posted December 16, 2005 My boyfriend and i are actually still together, and this happened about 3 months ago. So there is hope. he agreed to stop, and he has. but that still hasn't changed my trust in him. i still check up on him just to make sure that he's keeping his promise. Link to post Share on other sites
makaze Posted December 16, 2005 Share Posted December 16, 2005 Have any of you guys (err...people) been through the porn fight (she hates it, he can't/won't stop) and actually managed to keep the relationship going somehow? How did that work? Did you have to give in and deal with his constant playing with himself? Or did he agree to stop for the good of the relationship? I have. I told my boyfriend that it upset me [he even initiated the conversation, I wasn't really wanting to get into it] and he said he didn't expect such a thing to upset me. He said he would stop if I wanted that. I said I'm not going to tell him what to do and what not to do, though he did stop. As he explained, it wasn't that important to him compared to the relationship, which he took seriously. That was pretty much the last of the porn 'issues' (about a year ago). Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted December 16, 2005 Share Posted December 16, 2005 Some people or couples issues with porn will come to a halt and others will not. Alot of times it depends on the situation, and the people involved. It can also depend on wheather its an actual addiction or not too. An addiction would be much more difficult to just stop at the drop of hat because their spouse or loved ones asked them too. Yes, there are some people to who don't actually have an addiction, and simply are selfish and do not care what the other person thinks, thats a problem in itself as well. The bottom line is to get to the root of why and if its just purely out of selfishness or if its an actual addiction. Also keep in mind that porn is not the CAUSE but a symptom of a deeper issue. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
Author yikes12345 Posted December 17, 2005 Author Share Posted December 17, 2005 Thanks the for encouragement. I thought we'd reached the end of the argument when he said he'd stop. But that just paved the way for him to try and hide it better and lie about it to me. And then I found out. And we're pretty much right back to where we started. *sigh* Link to post Share on other sites
makaze Posted December 17, 2005 Share Posted December 17, 2005 Thanks the for encouragement. I thought we'd reached the end of the argument when he said he'd stop. But that just paved the way for him to try and hide it better and lie about it to me. And then I found out. And we're pretty much right back to where we started. *sigh* Judging by this forum, I'm somehow amazed how many guys promised they would stop yet they didn't and just hid it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yikes12345 Posted December 17, 2005 Author Share Posted December 17, 2005 I'm kind of amazed by it too. Like I've said before, I'm probably young and naive, but...I tend to have a positive outlook on the world, including guys. And I thought that more guys would take these things seriously. We as girlfriends are not lying or just trying to pick a fight when we say that these things hurt. They do genuinely bother us. The only thing I hate about it is that since so many guys do the same thing (lie and try to hide it), to them, that justifies their behavior - "I'm just being a guy, it's not like I'm the only one who does this kind of thing." To me - it just makes me feel hopeless. Since "it's just a guy thing," I feel like I'm never going to find a guy who either doesn't do it at all or can say "I'll stop because you're more important to me than jerking off" and mean it. Link to post Share on other sites
filarena Posted December 18, 2005 Share Posted December 18, 2005 This may not be what you want to hear, but I think that the porn isn't a problem, but there IS a problem in your relationship. If you haven't even made out in months, something is wrong. Many guys look at porn. This is a common thing, and there are many other threads about it on this site. The short answer is, if it really really bothers her, yes, he probably should be willing to stop, but there's also not much reason to be bothered by it. Assuming it really is just when you aren't around and he does find you attractive. If he's doing it as soon as you leave, turning you down for sex, and beating off to girls he actually knows, that's a different story. My advice is lose this guy but remember in the future with other guys that it may not necessarily be the end of the world if he views porn. Link to post Share on other sites
anonymous Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 Also, on kind of a side note? Have any of you guys (err...people) been through the porn fight (she hates it, he can't/won't stop) and actually managed to keep the relationship going somehow? How did that work? Did you have to give in and deal with his constant playing with himself? Or did he agree to stop for the good of the relationship? I've just heard so many times "if you can't deal with it and he can't promise to stop, then it's probably over." And that's heartbreaking. Just wondering if anyone has been in this position and made it through intact - looking for some hope here. Me (19) and my bf (22) went through it and are past the issue. I discovered his porn when we began dating, and at first it didn't bother me. Then, I caught him 'cybering' with some girl on line. We battled about porn for 5 months or so. He'd promise he'd stop... then he would again, so I'd threaten to leave, and he'd promise to stop... etc. One day, I just came over and gathered my stuff without getting mad. I told him that porn hurts ME, and it is up to ME whether I let it continue. He should not have to change his ways for me. I left. He disconnected his computer and gave me all the cords (proof, i guess), threw away all his magazines, wiped out his hard drive, etc. Cried and begged me to stay. He didn't have computer access for the next 6 months... Its been a little over a year since the last time it was brought up. Link to post Share on other sites
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