Very confused

[clia]

Okay, here's the situation.

 

There's a guy that I've been talking with over the past few months. I like him, so I've somewhat been trying to be a challenge by letting him do the calling. (I fully believe if a guy is interested, he will call.) Problem is, he doesn't call that often. When he does call, we always talk for awhile and have great conversations. (We've been trying to get together and go out forever, but our schedules have prevented it lately. I did run into him at the bar a few weeks ago.) So, because he rarely calls, I'm about ready to write it off. I feel like I'm wasting my time.

 

Last night I called him and he sounded very happy to hear from me. (We haven't talked since we saw each other 3 weeks ago. I wasn't even going to call, but then figured I'd give it one more valiant effort.) He asked me why it's been so long since we've talked and then started giving me crap about never calling him. What is this? I mean, I do call him, but I certainly don't want to bug him. (I said that and he laughed and told me I definitely wasn't bugging him.)

 

Guys, isn't it true that if you're interested you'll find the time to call? (He said he's been really busy lately with work and stuff.) I guess I should just ride it out and see what happens, but it's really driving me crazy. Think I'm being played or held on the back burner in case something better comes along? I just don't know if I should bother pursuing this or not. I mean, he says things when we talk that makes it sound like he likes me, but I think actions speak louder than words. What do you think?

[megan]

hey girlie

 

I just wanted to say that from my experience in talking to my guy friends and brother.. if they call a girl a lot and she makes them do the work they assume she is either not interested or always going to be like that. They want to feel like its equal... like the girl cares for them and isn't just talking to them when the guy calls..

 

Think about it.. if you had a friendship with even one of your girls and you always invited her to do stuff and she did accept.. but never called you.. you'd think it was a one-sided friendship.

 

I say go for it! I always ask guys out and they say that it took the pressure off so much and it cuts to the chase. If you want to know howt hey feel just go for it girl!!!

 

good luck!!

[beep]

As a guy, I ask why the games and try to be a "challenge"? It seems he turned the tables on you in the "challenge" department except he probably doesn't even know he is doing that. But I do have to say if I was interested in a girl, I wouldn't wait to call her, but would want it to be equal in her calling back, if I call someone and they don't call me back for a week, I would just assume they weren't interested. If I called a girl and she called me right back, that would be very positive, I just don't like all the games. Just be yourself. If you play games to start, there will always be games and someone will lose.

Okay, here's the situation. There's a guy that I've been talking with over the past few months. I like him, so I've somewhat been trying to be a challenge by letting him do the calling. (I fully believe if a guy is interested, he will call.) Problem is, he doesn't call that often. When he does call, we always talk for awhile and have great conversations. (We've been trying to get together and go out forever, but our schedules have prevented it lately. I did run into him at the bar a few weeks ago.) So, because he rarely calls, I'm about ready to write it off. I feel like I'm wasting my time.

 

Last night I called him and he sounded very happy to hear from me. (We haven't talked since we saw each other 3 weeks ago. I wasn't even going to call, but then figured I'd give it one more valiant effort.) He asked me why it's been so long since we've talked and then started giving me crap about never calling him. What is this? I mean, I do call him, but I certainly don't want to bug him. (I said that and he laughed and told me I definitely wasn't bugging him.) Guys, isn't it true that if you're interested you'll find the time to call? (He said he's been really busy lately with work and stuff.) I guess I should just ride it out and see what happens, but it's really driving me crazy. Think I'm being played or held on the back burner in case something better comes along? I just don't know if I should bother pursuing this or not. I mean, he says things when we talk that makes it sound like he likes me, but I think actions speak louder than words. What do you think?

[Owl]

He asked me why it's been so long since we've talked and then started giving me crap about never calling him. What is this? I mean, I do call him, but I certainly don't want to bug him. (I said that and he laughed and told me I definitely wasn't bugging him.)

 

Well... if you're worried about bugging him when you call, maybe he's worried about bugging YOU when HE calls. Fear of annoying your opposite number can be a powerful restraining influence on any budding relationship.

 

Let me tell you a story by way of general example. My sister is five years older than I am, and back when she was sixteen and I was eleven a dozen roses were delivered to our front door. She was very excited, thinking they came from this guy she liked at school. When she opened the note that came with them, all I remember hearing is "Sh*t! It's from 'so-and-so'!" and her tossing the roses aside in annoyance. Obviously they didn't come from someone in whom she was interested. I've remembered that over all the years since it happened, and I'm a bit paranoid about ensuring my attention is wanted before I start making a stronger effort. I don't want to obtain a reaction like that flower-buying guy got from my sister. This is a pretty common fear among a lot of people, men and women both.

 

Do you see how that might relate here? By making yourself a challenge, all you might have succeeded in doing is reinforcing any doubts he might have about whether you're interested in a relationship with him. If he's not sure you want his calls, or doesn't have any inkling you're interested in more than friendship, he won't call very often. Maybe all you have to do is say "Hey, I really like talking to you. Call me any time, 'kay?" and that will solve the problem. You're not making yourself any less of a challenge by letting him know you like talking to him, and it might be all the encouragement he needs.

 

The whole point of being a challenge is to drive a guy crazy (in a good way), but it sounds like you're the one going around the bend here! Yes, it's possible he's holding you on the back burner or playing you in some fashion. I think it's more likely he's just a slow mover in the initial stages of a relationship, or unclear on your intentions. Most guys have heard a million stories about how women tend to see guy friends as just friends -- i.e. they don't consider male friends as potential romantic partners very often. There might just be a high threshold before he registers you're interested in him... or gets the confidence to act.

 

Cheers!

[Sweetie]

I feel your pain. I have been talking to a guy for over a year who has done something similar to me. He tells me to call him more but doesn't call me more himself. I have made it clear that I am interested in him and I have asked him out several times. Yet he hasn't taken much initiative. Although my experience hasn't provided me with any answers (I just think the guy I am talking too is beyond strange when it comes to relationships), I would tell you not to play games. Just be straight forward. Hopefully, he will be nothing like the guy I have been talking to (who I don't think I will be talking to much longer) and start doing his part to get things moving between you two. I really believe that if someone is seriously intersted in someone they will eventually take some initiative.

 

Best wishes!!

 

Okay, here's the situation. There's a guy that I've been talking with over the past few months. I like him, so I've somewhat been trying to be a challenge by letting him do the calling. (I fully believe if a guy is interested, he will call.) Problem is, he doesn't call that often. When he does call, we always talk for awhile and have great conversations. (We've been trying to get together and go out forever, but our schedules have prevented it lately. I did run into him at the bar a few weeks ago.) So, because he rarely calls, I'm about ready to write it off. I feel like I'm wasting my time.

 

Last night I called him and he sounded very happy to hear from me. (We haven't talked since we saw each other 3 weeks ago. I wasn't even going to call, but then figured I'd give it one more valiant effort.) He asked me why it's been so long since we've talked and then started giving me crap about never calling him. What is this? I mean, I do call him, but I certainly don't want to bug him. (I said that and he laughed and told me I definitely wasn't bugging him.) Guys, isn't it true that if you're interested you'll find the time to call? (He said he's been really busy lately with work and stuff.) I guess I should just ride it out and see what happens, but it's really driving me crazy. Think I'm being played or held on the back burner in case something better comes along? I just don't know if I should bother pursuing this or not. I mean, he says things when we talk that makes it sound like he likes me, but I think actions speak louder than words. What do you think?

[clia]

As a guy, I ask why the games and try to be a "challenge"? It seems he turned the tables on you in the "challenge" department except he probably doesn't even know he is doing that. But I do have to say if I was interested in a girl, I wouldn't wait to call her, but would want it to be equal in her calling back, if I call someone and they don't call me back for a week, I would just assume they weren't interested. If I called a girl and she called me right back, that would be very positive, I just don't like all the games. Just be yourself. If you play games to start, there will always be games and someone will lose.

I'm not playing games. When I say I'm being a challenge, I mean that I'm not calling him all the time and pouring my heart out, etc. When he calls me and leaves a message, I always call him back as soon as I can. (Which sometimes might be a couple of days, but I'm busy and I always apologize!) I'm totally being myself! And I know he's busy, too, but I feel like I'm putting forth a lot more effort right now than he is, which makes me wonder.

[clia]

Thanks for your reply. I definitely agree with you, but I feel like I've dropped enough hints that I'm interested. (Although, who the heck knows? I've been trying to casually drop them along the way, but maybe he's not getting it? There have been some 'incidents' where he may think I'm not, but I don't feel like I should just sit back and wait for him to decide he wants to date me. We're always very flirty with each other and I always give the old 'Thanks for calling' line.) He gives me the impression that he's pretty confident with girls, but who knows?

 

The main reason this is killing me is because I don't generally have to 'chase' guys like this, so I don't like doing it. (I'm not trying to sound like big ego girl here, either, but you know what I mean.) I would love to pin him down and set a date to go out, but what's holding me back is this idea in my head that guys will call/ask out if they are truly interested, so I don't want to force him into something that he doesn't want. We've tried to make plans, but either he's busy when I'm not, or I'm busy when he's not.

 

Ugh. I really like this guy, and I don't want things to fizzle out because of miscommunication. That is my biggest fear.

He asked me why it's been so long since we've talked and then started giving me crap about never calling him. What is this? I mean, I do call him, but I certainly don't want to bug him. (I said that and he laughed and told me I definitely wasn't bugging him.) Well... if you're worried about bugging him when you call, maybe he's worried about bugging YOU when HE calls. Fear of annoying your opposite number can be a powerful restraining influence on any budding relationship. Let me tell you a story by way of general example. My sister is five years older than I am, and back when she was sixteen and I was eleven a dozen roses were delivered to our front door. She was very excited, thinking they came from this guy she liked at school. When she opened the note that came with them, all I remember hearing is "Sh*t! It's from 'so-and-so'!" and her tossing the roses aside in annoyance. Obviously they didn't come from someone in whom she was interested. I've remembered that over all the years since it happened, and I'm a bit paranoid about ensuring my attention is wanted before I start making a stronger effort. I don't want to obtain a reaction like that flower-buying guy got from my sister. This is a pretty common fear among a lot of people, men and women both. Do you see how that might relate here? By making yourself a challenge, all you might have succeeded in doing is reinforcing any doubts he might have about whether you're interested in a relationship with him. If he's not sure you want his calls, or doesn't have any inkling you're interested in more than friendship, he won't call very often. Maybe all you have to do is say "Hey, I really like talking to you. Call me any time, 'kay?" and that will solve the problem. You're not making yourself any less of a challenge by letting him know you like talking to him, and it might be all the encouragement he needs. The whole point of being a challenge is to drive a guy crazy (in a good way), but it sounds like you're the one going around the bend here! Yes, it's possible he's holding you on the back burner or playing you in some fashion. I think it's more likely he's just a slow mover in the initial stages of a relationship, or unclear on your intentions. Most guys have heard a million stories about how women tend to see guy friends as just friends -- i.e. they don't consider male friends as potential romantic partners very often. There might just be a high threshold before he registers you're interested in him... or gets the confidence to act. Cheers!

[clia]

Well, at least I'm not alone. I'm really afraid to be straightforward with him. (Fear of rejection and all that.) I agree with your last sentence completely, but this guy and I have had such a weird 'relationship' thus far that I wonder if we're both sitting here wondering what the other is thinking about things. What are you going to do about your guy?

I feel your pain. I have been talking to a guy for over a year who has done something similar to me. He tells me to call him more but doesn't call me more himself. I have made it clear that I am interested in him and I have asked him out several times. Yet he hasn't taken much initiative. Although my experience hasn't provided me with any answers (I just think the guy I am talking too is beyond strange when it comes to relationships), I would tell you not to play games. Just be straight forward. Hopefully, he will be nothing like the guy I have been talking to (who I don't think I will be talking to much longer) and start doing his part to get things moving between you two. I really believe that if someone is seriously intersted in someone they will eventually take some initiative. Best wishes!!

[Sweetie]

Well, I am not sure what to do really. However, I think it is time that I concentrate on finding other guys.

Well, at least I'm not alone. I'm really afraid to be straightforward with him. (Fear of rejection and all that.) I agree with your last sentence completely, but this guy and I have had such a weird 'relationship' thus far that I wonder if we're both sitting here wondering what the other is thinking about things. What are you going to do about your guy?

[Lauren]

Very Confused If he hasn't expressed a desire to meet and go out, I'm not sure I would interpret anything that he says as interest. Everyone is busy and works. If someone is TRULY interested in meeting you and getting to know you better, it doesn't require a four-hour date of dinner and movie. It could be a quick 1/2-hour for a drink after work or meeting for coffee on the weekend. I'm not sure what you are pursuing here if you feel that he isn't calling you enough. If you want to find out how interested he is and if there is a possibility for more - then get it done! Suggest something more casual and less time consuming. Him asking why you haven't called him doesn't sound like anything. Maybe he was hoping you would call him as much as you were hoping that he would call you. Maybe it was just a game and him "playing" you. You may never know. Decide what you want and develop activities and questions that will get him to tell you what he wants. If you are bother interested in seeing more of each other - great. If you are both interested in just getting together when time allows - great. If you have different goals now - I'm not sure things will change in the future. You need to really dig into this. It could be insecurity on his part of GF losing interest or using him. Good luck! Okay, here's the situation. There's a guy that I've been talking with over the past few months. I like him, so I've somewhat been trying to be a challenge by letting him do the calling. (I fully believe if a guy is interested, he will call.) Problem is, he doesn't call that often. When he does call, we always talk for awhile and have great conversations. (We've been trying to get together and go out forever, but our schedules have prevented it lately. I did run into him at the bar a few weeks ago.) So, because he rarely calls, I'm about ready to write it off. I feel like I'm wasting my time.

 

Last night I called him and he sounded very happy to hear from me. (We haven't talked since we saw each other 3 weeks ago. I wasn't even going to call, but then figured I'd give it one more valiant effort.) He asked me why it's been so long since we've talked and then started giving me crap about never calling him. What is this? I mean, I do call him, but I certainly don't want to bug him. (I said that and he laughed and told me I definitely wasn't bugging him.) Guys, isn't it true that if you're interested you'll find the time to call? (He said he's been really busy lately with work and stuff.) I guess I should just ride it out and see what happens, but it's really driving me crazy. Think I'm being played or held on the back burner in case something better comes along? I just don't know if I should bother pursuing this or not. I mean, he says things when we talk that makes it sound like he likes me, but I think actions speak louder than words. What do you think?