should I grip or let go.??

[guitarblackemotion]

hello, I guess the ones that have been on the separation train of emotions will understand me and maybe wil give me a different oppinion.

ok, from the beggining:

 

We started our relationship 4 and a half years ago, she comes from a very restricted by religion home, im talking long skirts and long hair, and dont do anything on sunday cause is sin type of thing, well, we started going to church and dating, but then she kinda got out of the whole "holy" thing and we both drifted away from that church, which was a good thing, well, she was living at home at the moment, i was alone in my apartment, I invited her to go on a trip so San Francisco, and her dad wouldn't allow it, so I helped her out and she moved out of home so we could go on our trip, lots of fun, like every new relationship, sex was good, great times.

we did the "one night at my place, next night at yours" thing for about a year, she had always expressed that she never really did wanted a wedding, and also never have kids, i thought "well, she might just change her mind sometime" so, I popped the question she said yes, at the moment I started a part time job, to save money for the wedding, a job that required me to stay away every weekend, im a workaholic, i always worry about my financial situation, maybe a bit too much, well, we had a couple of problems before we got married, she is a very jealous person, very controling stuborn, hypocondriac kind, well, we kinda worked things out and continued with the wedding, i did noticed some sort of insecurity on her side, to the point that the same day of the wedding we had a little fight and i ended up telling her "all you have to say is NO" at the moment we have purchased a home, that were living in together, so we got married, and all that, she even got 2 wedding dresses, cause she didnt like the first one, and she wasnt happy with it, so went a bought another one.

well, we went to HI, for the honeymoon and i dont know if this was cause of jet lag, but there was no "action" that day, im a very very laid back guy, and lot of times i dont think for myself, but only her well being.

well with time i felt like i was loosing myself, im no social butterfly, and probably the only friends were the ones from my part time job that she didnt like.

more trips came along time went by sex wasnt as good or often, i was always trying new tricks, that she seemed to like, but i still wanst really satisfied with what i was getting, and im the only man shes ever been with sexually, so i didnt want to hurt her by telling her that i didnt like things she did cause i thought that she was really enjoying herself.

Well, then she got on the mood for trying new things, while i was staying out late working, and my sexual appetite towards her wasnt as much as it used to be. I was just working and i left her alone, thinking that she was happy.

Also a big mistake that i made, i secretly bought a porn movie from the 70's cause an actress that later became famous on a kids show (that's really why i bought the movie) and the movie was about incest, the mom and the child having sex (sick stuff), well i told her about the movie and i knew she wasnt going to like it, and she got mad at me, well i finnally found the movie on ebay, bought it, watched it, and i was ready to send it out, when i got caught, i couldnt resist the tempation of watching it cause i've heard from this movie since i was a teenager (im 27 now).

Well, big trouble, i apologize, redeem myself, and things went back to normal.

Then she tryed to improve our sex life, she tryed to get me to quit my part time job, the one i like a lot, and the one where my only friends are.

She bought book, toys and even tryed roll playing, i really dont see her as a very sexual person, im really atracted to her sexually, but its like a fish out of water, it was just not her field, not her stuff, yet i didnt mention it not to hurt her feelings, so we tryed, i was getting more depressed, playing the husband part, supplying all the money for the house with my two jobs.

She quitted her job and went to college for a year, both of my jobs helped pay for that, even one time, it really made mad, cause she went to see me to my part time job, with some guy, from college, now i might be a bit conservative here, but as a husband, how would ou feel if your wife is riding with some guy you dont know around midnight, and she doesnt even introduce you to this guy??? so i told her a few things, and the situation died right there, cause i trusted her.

well, then the college thing wasnt what she wanted, spent all that money, and it was just not what she wanted. so, quit college, got a job with very crazy hours, sometimes she would go to work from 2am until 4pm or go at 8pm and come back until 7am. so this got our sexual life eve worse. Me working 2 jobs and she with a job with odd hours. Well, 4 moths after that she got tired of that, and decided to play the house wife, she was at home all the time, took great care of me, cooked for me all the time, and i was still leaving her alone because of my part time job, eventually i was getting more depressed, i didnt wanted to to anything, and i got into playing online games really heavy, to the point that she would be in bed and i would be on the computer until late at night. She was really jealous, to the point of telling me that i has some sort of affair with somebody at my part time job, and she was even jealous of a lesbian chick that works there!!! a lesbian!!!.

She bought a great book, "the idiots guide to the Kama sutra" im currenlty working on that book, i was stupid and tought that it was just a sex manual, "push here and you get this reaction" so i wasnt interested in that at all.

I wasnt myself, the one she felt in love with, but still was content and ever her friends and herself told me several times that i was a great husband and i really took good care of her. I believed that was my job, that was part of my promise to her, sacrifice myself for her. i was so wrong.

Well, i got an idea of buying another pc so we could play online games together, we were both exited about it, so we got it, and we played together for about a month, then she made her own friends and got to the point of "when im playing with my friends youre not allowed to come, youre so annoying" she also started having a lot of conversations with this guy from Canada, that made me really jealous, and also the fact that she could make friends easilly and i couldnt.

so the tables were turned, she was up sometimes until 6am and i was in bed cause i had to work 2 jobs.

well, bill where getting high so we decided that she needed to get back to work, it was so nice cause we got to work on the same city, ride together to work in the mornings, lunch together, head back home on the evenings, i really loved that.

She got a new friend, that is currently living with her boyfriend and raising his kids from another woman, and she even told me that she was with her boyfriend just because she loved his kids. one of those crazy relationships to my opinion.

We where to the point of looking for another house at this other city, looked at a few, but never really found one we liked.

Our sex life was almost none existant, we went to a trip to the mountains for her birthday in october, i tryed new things, even one of her toys, but she's a very delicate girl and she was just not comfortable so turn off, and try later tpe of thing, this was very frustrating to me, i really wanted to have her with passion, but yet shes so fragile.

Several times in the past she had kinda suggested that maybe i should find somebody better than her, someone that wants to have kids, well, i really love this girl and im willing to give up everything for her. i was so wrong!!!.

When the holiday season comes my hours at my part time job go up, i have to work more and as always on the weekends.

Well, she finnally droped the ball, and said that she wanted a divorce and that she wanted out. I was so shocked, i knew there was problems with our sexual life, but i guess i really never paid attention to the signals that she was giving me.

well, i was so confused, at moments i felt happy, at moments i felt sad. After 2 days of begging and crying she would stay firm on her decision, claiming that we dont have quemistry anymore and that she wants to do things that she cant do cause shes married, i was so jealous, when after talking for a while she admitted that she had quemistry with several people before, and quemistry she says not as sexual, but more of that click, more of that butterfly in your stomach, some of that "i can talk to you forever and never get bored".

It was so stressful that i decided to go away for a day, get some time to think, well came to the conclusion that she was cheating on me, not with her body but with her mind, and i got mad. so whe i got back i said things i didnt really mean to say, told her that i wasnt going to wear my ring anymore and wished that she would experience all the wild sex that she always wanted.

well, rushed things, got an apartment, moved out, then i checked the history on the pc that she uses, found expedia searches to trips to France, romantic Paris, well, my mind just clicked and what kind of wife is looking up trips to France while separating from her husband that 2 weeks ago was looking to buy a house with? She's got a friend from Canada, that speaks French, she even mentioned that it would be nice to get to meet him someday...... that just made me loose it. I called her a whore, and told her that she was planning to go away with this man, and that was the reason why she was leaving. I really think im wrong. i was so mad at her cause i felt so betrayed, she claims that she has been gone for a long time, and she finally found the strenght on her friend from work and on this "quemical relationship" to leave me. SHe also claims that she didnt leave before cause she wasnt financially prepared for it. she gave me the "i love you, but im not in love with you anymore". She says im narcisistic, that i have the "madonna/whore" complex. and I really dont think so, but im going to go to a psycologist to find out.

We had some good conversations, i have been really honest with her, to the point of telling her that sometimes masturbation was better than sex with her, and i told her all the things i didnt like, i told her that i hated how quickly she would change her mind on everything.

Some other conversations are just a mess, last one i told her that maybe she wasnt worthy of my love, she just told me to get out of the house and i havent talked to her since.

I really love her, i dont know if im just obsessed with her cause my self esteem is so low, i dont know if because of her inexperience in life she feels like she's missing out, i dont know if she's just affraid of comittment and thats why she never wanted a wedding or children, or maybe she just found someone else already and she just doesnt want to tell me.

I have been faithful to her, i know i wasnt honest with her about our problems, but i was affraid of hurting her.

Im happy because now i can do the things i want to do, i really like the fact that im rediscovering myself, im back to the one i was before.

Maybe there is someone else better for me out there, maybe she will change her mind, maybe she will mess around with someone else and realize that i really treated her like the queen she is, and come back.

I want good sex, i think we can fix it, but then i really dont know if she's the one for me. we work well together, but maybe shes just young and inmature.

I just dont know what to do.

Thank you so much for reading and replying to my post, I hope you have a great day.

[Mistaken Identity]

You said you are happy now because you get to do the things you want to do. So what's the problem? Do you feel guilty for being happy? Or are you just trying to understand what went wrong? It seems like your relationship was built on sex. What about communication? By the way, it seems like you genuinely tried to please her in every way.

[scobro]

she also started having a lot of conversations with this guy from Canada

,

 

Never ever trust those damn scum sucking bastards from Canada,they are evil people that will manipulate American women with their Canadian good looks and their Canadian charm.Stay far away from the Canadians and their damn hockey and coloured money!!!

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

whew that was a long one! You have come to the right place that's for sure. Have you read many posts on here? You are not alone. I'm pretty sure that if she wasn't having a physical affair, she was having an emotional one online.

 

There is one part of your post that sticks out where you often refer to her as fragile. I wonder how this made her feel, and I'm sure this will come up in your counselling.

 

Good luck! As for the Canadian, she is living in a fantasy world and it will wear off. I know cuz I did it for 6 years before my marriage finally ended.