blue5000 Posted December 14, 2005 Share Posted December 14, 2005 Okay, I have a long story, which I will spare you right now. In brief, my ex and I ended things about 9 months ago, but we haven't managed to go more than one month without communicating. He broke up with me, but he was right to do so. The relationship was unhealthly, mainly b/c of me, and I needed to get myself together, which I did. So, I have been trying to win him back, but everytime we talk about reconciliation he says - I feel guilty. And the guilt,he says, makes him stuck. What does this mean? I have asked him on several occasions to be definitive, to tell me he doesn't feel the same, that we are not getting back together, but he can't seem to say it. And I know there is still a lot of feeling between us. And since the break up was my fault (no I didn't cheat), how long do I keep trying to show him I'm out of my slump? Lastly, I know he knows that it would be the second best thing for me to hear him say -- I don't ever want to be with you (the first is obvious), so why doesn't he say it if I have asked him for this? I truly believe he would want to make my getting on with my life as easy as possible. Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Nikita20 Posted December 15, 2005 Share Posted December 15, 2005 Maybe he feels guilty because he broke up with you. Maybe he feels guilty because he doesn't have the same feelings and doesn't want to get back together with you. Or perhaps he is seeing someone else and doesn't have the heart to tell you. It could be a million things. The fact of the matter is he doesn't want to be with you right now. I think the only way to let him know that you've changed is to initiate NC. Don't call him, email him, etc. Let him miss you, let him realize that you are out of his life for good, let him initiate the contact. Otherwise, by keeping in contact with him will push him away even further. If he wants to be with you, he will do anything and everything to get you back. So far, it doesn't look like he wants to get back together with you. You need to initiate NC and move on. By the way, why did you guys break up? Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted December 15, 2005 Share Posted December 15, 2005 The worst thing you can do right now is to pressure him into getting back together. You've laid your cards out on the table now the ball is in his court. Don't agonize over this. You have to accept how he feels right now and focus on yourself. Are you interested in dating other men? Is there someone else you can start seeing? Do you go out with friends? Start making your life busy with activities with friends or dating. If he changes his mind at all, I bet it will be when he realizes you are not chasing him anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blue5000 Posted December 15, 2005 Author Share Posted December 15, 2005 Nikita20 and Caliguy, thanks for writing. We broke up b/c, well...to make a long story short, I lost two members of my immediate family and I went into a downward spiral. I'm not sure I could have handled it any differently, but I used my ex as a punching bag. I was angry at the world and I took it out on him. To his credit, he got me through the whole ordeal. I really don't know what I would have done without him. In the midst of my grieving, I needed to feel secure, so I also kept pushing for a bigger commitment. This was despite the fact that our relationships was in no state to move forward. All I could do was irrationally push, while at the same time pick fights with him all the time. I was just a mess. Again, to his credit, he tried really hard to tell me that we needed time to get back on our feet, to take care of me, to just be there, etc. but I didn't hear any of it. I just kept pushing, thinking that if we got marrried it would fix me. I treated him horribly and said the most awful things. I look back at our relationship and see this wonderful person who got me through the hardest time in my life. I keep replaying how mean I was and can't let go of the regret I ahve. And I know he must look back and see how abusive I was, how I fought with him constantly, how I kept pushing him, and how his needs were completely ignored. I'm not dating anyone. It's hard to get back out there, especially in the city I live in. Also, re-hashing the events of the last several years is not a pleasant thought. I'm in my late 30s, so I don't have many single friends left and I've been extremely lonely. I think he feels guilty that he couldn't stick it out with me givin' everything I had been through. Him leaving was what made me snap out of my grief, go to therapy, get a job again (I took time off), depend on myself, etc. Now, I want to try again, without all the complications...just to see if it was the circumstances of my life or us. I just want one little chance... Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted December 15, 2005 Share Posted December 15, 2005 I can only speak from my own experience. My guy also says he feels guilty. Why? I think it's because he knows I love him and he can't commit to the least little hint of a longterm partnership with me. He is just afraid. My posts in this site tells the story. Commitment Phobics know of their problem....they deal with it all the time, in every relationship they form. They can almost tell you how the whole thing will turn out with each girl they date. That's because they have developed very sharp skills in knowing the stages leading up to the breakdown of the whole relationship. They have walked that road before ....and often. They have learned to read the signs of the (ever dreaded) impending "Let's Talk About Us" stage....and have learned to skillfully sidestep or derail any talk of where the relationship is headed. Women want to KNOW where they are in a relationship....whether most of us admit it or not, even the strongest, most independent of us need reassurance that we are not wasting our time with our partner and that our goals are similar. We need that in the back of our mind so that we can go on undistracted and give needed attention to the other aspects of our lives. But Commitment Phobics dole out reassuring gestures and verbalizations only to keep what they know they will eventually lose, for a greater length of time. They postpone the end.....INDEFINATELY. And if you are a 'giver'....look out! The Commitment Phobic will string you along for years! All he wants is his needs met. On his terms. I do believe that there are degrees of commitment phobia....the least description being 'cold feet', like the anxiety you feel before a wedding. That kind of fear normally releases itself and goes away. The dyed-in-the-wool Commitment Phobic, tho, will never make a good partner or husband and really should be getting therapy for his problem. One of the most difficult things I have ever tried to do (doing it now with my own situation) - is try to place exactly where he is at on the scale from 'low' to 'high' commitment phobia characteristics. It takes alot of info about the person to do this. Some display a few signs but are not true Commitment Phobics, by the time you gather all the info. Sometimes, it's just other problems kicking in their two-cents worth on top of a little relationship anxiety....and often, after the problem is dealt with, the commitment phobia symptoms disappear. Commitment Phobics always 'disappear'...in that they will often come to a point where they 'need time to think'...but don't get this confused with someone who is in love but just needs time to talk to him/herself about making certain they can shoulder all the responsibilities that will be forthcoming in a relationship that is deepening and has genuine potential for longterm. We do the 'break/take time thing' sometimes, so that we can be sure we can live up to all we want to do for the person we are in love with...we want to make certain that we can reasonably meet the future expectations. We also take 'breaks' from the routine activity in a relationship because we have come to realize that the person we are with does not meet our OWN expectations (ie character, morals,intelligence, lifestyle, personality, sex, physical appearance, family, health problems, financial, hygiene... etc) ...or the chemistry (spark, excitement) is not there. Taking a 'break' is one of the most dreaded things in a relationship and leaves both partners in a big gray go-nowhere zone til it's over and the envelope arrives. Whatever's in the envelope is survivable....perhaps, the result will be enjoyable...but no matter what is inside, just remember that you are LOVEABLE...now, tomorrow...and always. Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted December 15, 2005 Share Posted December 15, 2005 I can only speak from my own experience. My guy also says he feels guilty. Why? I think it's because he knows I love him and he can't commit to the least little hint of a longterm partnership with me. He is just afraid. My posts in this site tells the story. Commitment Phobics know of their problem....they deal with it all the time, in every relationship they form. They can almost tell you how the whole thing will turn out with each girl they date. That's because they have developed very sharp skills in knowing the stages leading up to the breakdown of the whole relationship. They have walked that road before ....and often. They have learned to read the signs of the (ever dreaded) impending "Let's Talk About Us" stage....and have learned to skillfully sidestep or derail any talk of where the relationship is headed. Women want to KNOW where they are in a relationship....whether most of us admit it or not, even the strongest, most independent of us need reassurance that we are not wasting our time with our partner and that our goals are similar. We need that in the back of our mind so that we can go on undistracted and give needed attention to the other aspects of our lives. But Commitment Phobics dole out reassuring gestures and verbalizations only to keep what they know they will eventually lose, for a greater length of time. They postpone the end.....INDEFINATELY. And if you are a 'giver'....look out! The Commitment Phobic will string you along for years! All he wants is his needs met. On his terms. I do believe that there are degrees of commitment phobia....the least description being 'cold feet', like the anxiety you feel before a wedding. That kind of fear normally releases itself and goes away. The dyed-in-the-wool Commitment Phobic, tho, will never make a good partner or husband and really should be getting therapy for his problem. One of the most difficult things I have ever tried to do (doing it now with my own situation) - is try to place exactly where he is at on the scale from 'low' to 'high' commitment phobia characteristics. It takes alot of info about the person to do this. Some display a few signs but are not true Commitment Phobics, by the time you gather all the info. Sometimes, it's just other problems kicking in their two-cents worth on top of a little relationship anxiety....and often, after the problem is dealt with, the commitment phobia symptoms disappear. Commitment Phobics always 'disappear'...in that they will often come to a point where they 'need time to think'...but don't get this confused with someone who is in love but just needs time to talk to him/herself about making certain they can shoulder all the responsibilities that will be forthcoming in a relationship that is deepening and has genuine potential for longterm. We do the 'break/take time thing' sometimes, so that we can be sure we can live up to all we want to do for the person we are in love with...we want to make certain that we can reasonably meet the future expectations...because we love our partner...and because they deserve it. We also take 'breaks' from the routine activity in a relationship because we have come to realize that the person we are with does not meet our OWN expectations (ie character, morals,intelligence, lifestyle, personality, sex, physical appearance, family, health problems, financial, hygiene... etc) ...or the chemistry (spark, excitement) is not there. Taking a 'break' is one of the most dreaded things in a relationship and leaves both partners in a big gray go-nowhere zone til it's over and the envelope arrives. Whatever's in the envelope is survivable....perhaps, the result will be enjoyable...but no matter what is inside, just remember that you are LOVEABLE...now, tomorrow...and always. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blue5000 Posted December 15, 2005 Author Share Posted December 15, 2005 Riobikini, Thanks for your thoughts. I think you make some very good points. Yes, I do think my ex has some commitment problems, but I'm not sure this is at the core of our issues. When we moved in together it took him a bit lomger to 'get there', if you know what I mean, but he did. He just needed some time. The problem we both know is that no one, especially someone afraid of commitments, is going to make one if they're being pushed. And that's what I did. There is a lot to be said about just being and enjoying the relationships. And b/c of everything I was going through, I created a lot of drama and a lot of turbulence. Again, let me state, I'm not sure I could have been much different, givin' the circumstances, but I never recognized how wonderful he was being, less alone provide any positive reinforcement about his actions. These are the issues that I think we/I have. I think we could have muddled through both our issues (as everyone else) if we/I wasn't hit with such loss. Ulitmately, I guess it would be easier to know that it was indeed US, that we aren't compatible, then wonder what if it was the circumstances of my life that didn't allow me to be healthly in a relationship. Know what I mean? Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted December 21, 2005 Share Posted December 21, 2005 Then it's probably time to begin working on those issues having to do with YOU. Any relationship you choose to be involved in, romantic or otherwise, is probably feeing the effects of your current problematic issues. If the current problems are similar to those you may have had in past relationships, chances are they will keep recurring. Point: At any given moment in your life, you are creating your future. Look at your behavior patterns, how you view and process things, mentally and emotionally. Breaking bad habits, changing behavior, adopting positive new coping methods, and learning to think with a totally new perspective takes a lot of courage, -and time. Courage, because you may have to sort through the not-so-pleasant garbage of your past to take full stock of who you are. Time, because humans arrive at conclusions about themselves through an evolution process that may involve many emotions. For some, the task is done without professional help. But if you think you need the help of a professional, (psychotherapist, psychiatrist, counselor), -seek one. And it sounds like your BF might need to deal with some issues, himself. But first....YOU work on YOU. You can do it. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
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